Sometimes, I wish I could just snap my fingers and the whole place would be clean. As it stands, I don't think that we'll see a spotless apartment again for many months. :P
UGH!
Ok, I'm done whining, now off to go start making some progress on this mess.
roses
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Saturday, September 08, 2007
I may just survive this motherhood thing...
Right now, the kid's asleep in the sling on my lap. He looks real cute when he's sleeping. I almost don't have the heart to wake him up for his next feeding. We've all been doing ok around here. Sleep is actually starting to happen at night, even if it is broken by the 3 am feeding. I've been feeling happier and less like I'm completely screwing everything up. Maybe it means that my hormones are finally settling out.
I'm a bit fustrated because the clothes that I have don't fit me right. Those clothes that I had about two years ago from when I was over weight, well, that's about what size I am now. My goal is to get the weight from the pregnancy down by next summer. I've been walking and doing a little light exercise recently. It's wonderful to be healed up enough to actually do some of this stuff again. I never thought that I'd enjoy doing sit-ups, but I did. It was a weird experience. :) Hubby's starting to show that he's making real progress on losing weight himself too.
He started working on improving his own health about two months ago. I didn't really notice because I was half insane from being pregnant. As it stands, I think he's probably lost almost an inch off his waistline, but I'm not entirely sure. I am proud of him for all of that effort, though. It's not easy to be doing things like putting yourself on a diet or making yourself go exercise when you've got about twenty different things pulling you in different directions. So, now, we're striving for healthy meals at home and getting some exercise in when we can.
We've gone for several walks recently, and it was really nice. Who knows, maybe next summer or later in the fall this year, we can go and actually take a few hikes on the trails in some parks we love. It's been a while since we've gone walking at the county park and I hope that we can do so soon. I can't remember if it's still open, as it is after labor day. I may need to check on that before I suggest it to him. :)
The baby is growing like a weed. I was going nuts trying to do the whole "put the baby on a schedule" thing and it wasn't working. So, we decided to give it a try with feeding the baby on demand. It's actually working alot better and the kid is eating/drinking more. The next challenge to conquer is getting him to transition from bottle feeding to breast feeding. It'll be a whole lot easier then continuing to do what I am doing now. I've been pumping and then feeding it to him in a bottle. We had a little success earlier this week getting him to suckle.
I figure if we keep at it, the boy will learn how. It's already pretty clear that he prefers the taste of breast milk to that of formula. I found that interesting. Perhaps it tastes as bad as it smells when he burps, I don't know. If I can just get this little boy to calm down when it's time to feed, I know that I'll see a lot more successes on the breast feeding front.
I'll try to post a pic of me and the baby soon. I almost have figured out how to [b]use[/b] the camera. Now to learn how to get the pictures!
I'm a bit fustrated because the clothes that I have don't fit me right. Those clothes that I had about two years ago from when I was over weight, well, that's about what size I am now. My goal is to get the weight from the pregnancy down by next summer. I've been walking and doing a little light exercise recently. It's wonderful to be healed up enough to actually do some of this stuff again. I never thought that I'd enjoy doing sit-ups, but I did. It was a weird experience. :) Hubby's starting to show that he's making real progress on losing weight himself too.
He started working on improving his own health about two months ago. I didn't really notice because I was half insane from being pregnant. As it stands, I think he's probably lost almost an inch off his waistline, but I'm not entirely sure. I am proud of him for all of that effort, though. It's not easy to be doing things like putting yourself on a diet or making yourself go exercise when you've got about twenty different things pulling you in different directions. So, now, we're striving for healthy meals at home and getting some exercise in when we can.
We've gone for several walks recently, and it was really nice. Who knows, maybe next summer or later in the fall this year, we can go and actually take a few hikes on the trails in some parks we love. It's been a while since we've gone walking at the county park and I hope that we can do so soon. I can't remember if it's still open, as it is after labor day. I may need to check on that before I suggest it to him. :)
The baby is growing like a weed. I was going nuts trying to do the whole "put the baby on a schedule" thing and it wasn't working. So, we decided to give it a try with feeding the baby on demand. It's actually working alot better and the kid is eating/drinking more. The next challenge to conquer is getting him to transition from bottle feeding to breast feeding. It'll be a whole lot easier then continuing to do what I am doing now. I've been pumping and then feeding it to him in a bottle. We had a little success earlier this week getting him to suckle.
I figure if we keep at it, the boy will learn how. It's already pretty clear that he prefers the taste of breast milk to that of formula. I found that interesting. Perhaps it tastes as bad as it smells when he burps, I don't know. If I can just get this little boy to calm down when it's time to feed, I know that I'll see a lot more successes on the breast feeding front.
I'll try to post a pic of me and the baby soon. I almost have figured out how to [b]use[/b] the camera. Now to learn how to get the pictures!
Sunday, September 02, 2007
first week down, how many more to go?
Well, the three of us survived our first week home. I'm torn on a few different fronts on how to handle a few different things. I want to breastfeed but the baby has difficulty latching on. He gets so excited/anxious when he tries that he just doesn't manage to get any real feeding done most of the times we try. I've been giving him a bottle with breast milk in it, but I really wish I could be feeding him at the breast. I'm not sure what the best option is at the moment.
Hubby has been working hard on trying to juggle supporting me in my postpartum insanity and dealing with the insanity of work. I love him dearly and I greatly appreciate the effort he has been putting in, but I don't know if I'm demanding too much of him. He deserves time to relax and such. It makes me mad that he has to use his vacation time to take time to be with the baby and I. I know that there's alot of fires to be put out at work and that in alot of ways my dear husband has been the reason why things run smoothly over there. I recognize that his boss depends on him alot for help, and with good reason, because my husband is damn good at what he does and as loyal as an old dog.
At the same time, I'm upset because he hasn't been given time to just relax before the baby was born. We didn't get to go spend some time together as a couple before the child came along, like a little vacation somewhere for a weekend. It was something we had tried to plan over the summer but it never worked out. Now, he's going from the stress of work (where they're trying very hard to improve their standing in the market, again) to the stress of being home with a wife whose half crazy because of hormones and a week old baby. It makes me worry that he's going to resent me for the times where I need him to cuddle me and tell me it'll be ok. And right now, it seems to be happening as often as the baby is looking to be cuddled.
The other source of consternation and confusion is how to manage to get things finished up with rearrangement around here. I don't know where I'm going to put various things and that makes me nervous. I don't know how to arrange things in a manner that will be most efficent. That makes me nervous. I feel like this place isn't big enough for us and that makes me highly uncomfortable. I'm sure that this feeling will pass after we get everything sorted out, but right now I feel like a cat in a rocking chair factory.
And the worst thing right now is the fact that I'm not 'glowing with happiness' when it seems like damn near everybody is insisting that I should be. Apparently, it's normal for new mothers to spend some time doing things like dressing the baby up in every single new outfit for him/her they own. It's apparently normal for them to tickle and such the kid even if they're sleeping. I just can't bring myself to do it and I'm not at the point of being damn near idiotic with happiness. I'm actually feeling rather numb most of the time. The happy face is a front to make the people who tell me I should be happy shut up. There are moments where I'm happy but most of the time it's a cross between nervous and numb.
A concerned friend of mine is suggesting that I may have a touch of postpartum depression. I don't know, maybe I do. I just know that there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to even catch up on stuff, never mind finish anything. It makes me want to cry in frustration. And I have this nagging fear that I'm not a good mother because I don't know what I'm supposed to do at every time with a newborn baby. I am afraid that I'm not a good mother because I'm not gushing with love for my baby boy already. I'm afraid that I'm not a good mother because I would rather sleep then get up in the middle of the night to feed him. ... The list of reasons why I am afraid I'm not a good mother is easily a country mile long.
And that makes me sad too.
I thought you were supposed to be happy when you have a baby. Not scared, sad, and numb. I can understand exhausted or exasperated, but the other three, I'm not so sure about that.
Hubby has been working hard on trying to juggle supporting me in my postpartum insanity and dealing with the insanity of work. I love him dearly and I greatly appreciate the effort he has been putting in, but I don't know if I'm demanding too much of him. He deserves time to relax and such. It makes me mad that he has to use his vacation time to take time to be with the baby and I. I know that there's alot of fires to be put out at work and that in alot of ways my dear husband has been the reason why things run smoothly over there. I recognize that his boss depends on him alot for help, and with good reason, because my husband is damn good at what he does and as loyal as an old dog.
At the same time, I'm upset because he hasn't been given time to just relax before the baby was born. We didn't get to go spend some time together as a couple before the child came along, like a little vacation somewhere for a weekend. It was something we had tried to plan over the summer but it never worked out. Now, he's going from the stress of work (where they're trying very hard to improve their standing in the market, again) to the stress of being home with a wife whose half crazy because of hormones and a week old baby. It makes me worry that he's going to resent me for the times where I need him to cuddle me and tell me it'll be ok. And right now, it seems to be happening as often as the baby is looking to be cuddled.
The other source of consternation and confusion is how to manage to get things finished up with rearrangement around here. I don't know where I'm going to put various things and that makes me nervous. I don't know how to arrange things in a manner that will be most efficent. That makes me nervous. I feel like this place isn't big enough for us and that makes me highly uncomfortable. I'm sure that this feeling will pass after we get everything sorted out, but right now I feel like a cat in a rocking chair factory.
And the worst thing right now is the fact that I'm not 'glowing with happiness' when it seems like damn near everybody is insisting that I should be. Apparently, it's normal for new mothers to spend some time doing things like dressing the baby up in every single new outfit for him/her they own. It's apparently normal for them to tickle and such the kid even if they're sleeping. I just can't bring myself to do it and I'm not at the point of being damn near idiotic with happiness. I'm actually feeling rather numb most of the time. The happy face is a front to make the people who tell me I should be happy shut up. There are moments where I'm happy but most of the time it's a cross between nervous and numb.
A concerned friend of mine is suggesting that I may have a touch of postpartum depression. I don't know, maybe I do. I just know that there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to even catch up on stuff, never mind finish anything. It makes me want to cry in frustration. And I have this nagging fear that I'm not a good mother because I don't know what I'm supposed to do at every time with a newborn baby. I am afraid that I'm not a good mother because I'm not gushing with love for my baby boy already. I'm afraid that I'm not a good mother because I would rather sleep then get up in the middle of the night to feed him. ... The list of reasons why I am afraid I'm not a good mother is easily a country mile long.
And that makes me sad too.
I thought you were supposed to be happy when you have a baby. Not scared, sad, and numb. I can understand exhausted or exasperated, but the other three, I'm not so sure about that.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Wow, I'm a mother!
Well, the big day has finally arrived. It actually came last week. Here's what the hubby posted for some friends of ours on a forum we both visit:
It's funny, we expected him to be born this week and he showed up a week early. I'm now working on trying my hardest not to let the wacky hormone swings and the nervousness about being a new mother interrupt my enjoyment of being a mother. That said, I get worried as hell when this kid just won't stop crying. My mother tells me that is something all new mothers and fathers go thru and it'll be better next week. I admit it, I'm excited but I also feel like a cat in a rocking chair factory. :)
Hey, guys! Finally got home, figured I'd update everyone.My being incommunicado for the last week has been because I was working with hubby to get everything ready here for the baby's arrival and then I was at the hospital resting. The experience of being at the hospital has some ups and some downs, I'll be ranting about that later. Yep, that's right ranting. More aggrivations then just the crappy food (and why the heck is it that hospital food is so bad as a general rule?).
Douglas was born on August 22, at 1:01am EDT, weighing 7lbs, 8.5oz.
After a few days of some really bad contractions which I think turned out to be false labor, I took Deb in Tuesday morning because she thought her water broke. Turns out she didn't, but she was ALMOST dialated enough to be in full labor.
A walk around the suite fixed that REAL quick.
She spent 18 hours in full labor, but no dice. The hospital, in trying to make it painless, pushed her too hard too fast. Her uterus got too tired and we had to have a C-section. Damned doctors.
Baby and mommy are healthy. Deb's still got some swelling that's being treated, and of course she has to recover from surgery, so she'll be there for a few days yet.
I've gotta finish putting the crib together and arranging apartment furniture. We were in the midst of that when our baby boy came along a week early.
Thank you all SO MUCH for your well-wishes. It warms my heart, truely.
I've got pictures. They will be posted sometime in the next week or so. Yay for the digital camera the wife gave me for Christmas!
It's funny, we expected him to be born this week and he showed up a week early. I'm now working on trying my hardest not to let the wacky hormone swings and the nervousness about being a new mother interrupt my enjoyment of being a mother. That said, I get worried as hell when this kid just won't stop crying. My mother tells me that is something all new mothers and fathers go thru and it'll be better next week. I admit it, I'm excited but I also feel like a cat in a rocking chair factory. :)
Saturday, August 18, 2007
10 days and counting
Well, it's ten days until the due date. I'm nervous, excited, and generally feeling a bit like I'm all over the place right now. This weekend, my dear and darling husband has been working very hard to get things rearranged so that the furniture we need for the baby can be in here. His brother so very generously helped us out. It was a good thing, to say the least, as I'm at a point where I'm not exactly useful for doing things like moving bookcases and such.
I didn't really get to do much more then supervise. It was frustrating because I felt like I should be jumping into the fray and helping out, too. I have been having some kinda wild mood swings over the last few days. I feel like it's making me a terrible person to put up with, never mind live with right now. Hubby has been generally of good cheer about it all and managing it with a sense of aplomb that I wish I could accomplish at the moment. I didn't exactly enjoy being hit with a weepy sense of angst that I was losing my sex-life for good and that I was doomed to be a mediocre parent at best. It was especially terrible because it happened at 11 O'clock at night last night, right when we were going to bed.
From what I've been told, mood swings get worse as it gets closer to delivery. I'm hoping that since I didn't have really wild mood swings before now, these won't rival some of the ones that I had back in high school. As funny as it may sound, I think I was a crazy child in high school because of the plain insanity of hormones (aggravated by the fact that I've poly-cystic ovary syndrome, which means the hormones aren't functioning quite right to begin with). The other worry that I have is that with the hormones being all over the place, I may just have to deal with a bad case of postpartum depression. That makes me very nervous, to be honest because some folks in my family didn't just have postpartum depression but a postpartum psychosis.
I've to admit, though, the different reproductive system related problems that I've got running around in my family, I'm thankful that it's not as bad as it could be. The baby is healthy. I'm healthy. (I don't know why the doctors are always just about glowing as they tell me how proud/happy they are that I've been taking good care of myself. It's almost as weird as the hospital staff not fully comprehending that I was pregnant and I had appendicitis back in January.) The first thing that was tried worked for helping us conceive, unlike my aunt who had to go thru years of fertility treatments and a few lost pregnancies to have her little boy. I'm really thankful for this child. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to have children because of all the problems that run in my family. So this... this is a huge blessing for many, many reasons.
So now, we just have to make it thru the next week (approximately). Then we'll have a new, wonderful little baby in our home. It's funny, because this is all happening so close to our wedding anniversary. Hubby was joking with me that it was planned perfectly, I didn't need to think about what to give him as a gift at all for our anniversary. I realize that money is going to be a bit tight with the baby and all, but I still want to do something special for him. It's been three years on the 5th of next month that we've been married. It doesn't feel like it.
Some how, I'll think of something, even if he insists that I don't need to. He's helped me make so many of my dreams come true. I just can't ignore that or the fact that it's a great excuse to really do something wonderful for him. The man's the best thing to ever happen to me.
I didn't really get to do much more then supervise. It was frustrating because I felt like I should be jumping into the fray and helping out, too. I have been having some kinda wild mood swings over the last few days. I feel like it's making me a terrible person to put up with, never mind live with right now. Hubby has been generally of good cheer about it all and managing it with a sense of aplomb that I wish I could accomplish at the moment. I didn't exactly enjoy being hit with a weepy sense of angst that I was losing my sex-life for good and that I was doomed to be a mediocre parent at best. It was especially terrible because it happened at 11 O'clock at night last night, right when we were going to bed.
From what I've been told, mood swings get worse as it gets closer to delivery. I'm hoping that since I didn't have really wild mood swings before now, these won't rival some of the ones that I had back in high school. As funny as it may sound, I think I was a crazy child in high school because of the plain insanity of hormones (aggravated by the fact that I've poly-cystic ovary syndrome, which means the hormones aren't functioning quite right to begin with). The other worry that I have is that with the hormones being all over the place, I may just have to deal with a bad case of postpartum depression. That makes me very nervous, to be honest because some folks in my family didn't just have postpartum depression but a postpartum psychosis.
I've to admit, though, the different reproductive system related problems that I've got running around in my family, I'm thankful that it's not as bad as it could be. The baby is healthy. I'm healthy. (I don't know why the doctors are always just about glowing as they tell me how proud/happy they are that I've been taking good care of myself. It's almost as weird as the hospital staff not fully comprehending that I was pregnant and I had appendicitis back in January.) The first thing that was tried worked for helping us conceive, unlike my aunt who had to go thru years of fertility treatments and a few lost pregnancies to have her little boy. I'm really thankful for this child. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to have children because of all the problems that run in my family. So this... this is a huge blessing for many, many reasons.
So now, we just have to make it thru the next week (approximately). Then we'll have a new, wonderful little baby in our home. It's funny, because this is all happening so close to our wedding anniversary. Hubby was joking with me that it was planned perfectly, I didn't need to think about what to give him as a gift at all for our anniversary. I realize that money is going to be a bit tight with the baby and all, but I still want to do something special for him. It's been three years on the 5th of next month that we've been married. It doesn't feel like it.
Some how, I'll think of something, even if he insists that I don't need to. He's helped me make so many of my dreams come true. I just can't ignore that or the fact that it's a great excuse to really do something wonderful for him. The man's the best thing to ever happen to me.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Baby shower gossip. :)
Sorry I didn't post this sooner. Life has gotten busy and I've been feeling very tired of late. On the up-side, it seems that the baby has begun to descend to the proper position and it's raining right now (which means much less humidity).
The baby shower was held at my husband's parents' house a few weeks ago. The weather was stunning and fortunately not too warm. The color scheme was blue and white. I've noticed that a great many things in my life have had that color scheme (high school grad party, engagement party, baby shower, a birthday party...). I wonder if it's a weird coincidence or some twist of fate. Either way, aside from the color scheme, the other major theme was 'It's a Boy!'
Fortunately, folks didn't get too nuts over it all. I was a bit concerned that they'd go crazy. You never know with my husband's sister. The food was standard picnic fare with an ice cream cake for dessert. I was quite glad that I've taken to carrying lactaid in my purse with me everywhere. I don't think I would have been able to have about half of the food there if I hadn't had it.
I generally hate the dopey games that they make you play at baby showers. Anyone who knows me also knows that I'm not a fan of Bingo in any incarnation of the game. Fortunately, there was only one game played at the baby shower. Unfortunately, I had to suffer thru 'Baby Bingo'. I think I hid my distaste for playing Bingo fairly well. Though I knew that my brother's wife and my mother were both secretly smiling at how much I was suffering. To me, Bingo is the most god-forsakenly boring game on the face of the earth. It doesn't matter how cute you try to make it, it's still boring. We only played 2 rounds, so I wasn't bored for too long. The serious Bingo players in the group, I noticed, lit right up like Christmas trees at the prospect of playing. The kids had fun also, so I guess it wasn't too bad.
It really was a huge surprise that Mom was there. I had expected her to still be out in Ohio or on the road. Everyone except for my husband and I were in on the surprise, apparently. It was wonderful to see her when I had prepared myself not to. I don't think I can really put into words how much it meant for her to be there. Mom had missed my bridal shower because she was on the road trying to get a little more money to help pay for the wedding. It was a huge disappointment, and that was before the familial drama of my Grandmother's stunt.
I now realize that I am switching back and forth between capitalizing Mom and mother. As well as making other grammatical errors. I don't think I care at the moment. :) Sorry, Lady Cinnibar, but the internal editor is on vacation right now. :P (It's always fun to drive my former english major friends nuts... LOL)
The other major highlights of the party were:
The baby shower was held at my husband's parents' house a few weeks ago. The weather was stunning and fortunately not too warm. The color scheme was blue and white. I've noticed that a great many things in my life have had that color scheme (high school grad party, engagement party, baby shower, a birthday party...). I wonder if it's a weird coincidence or some twist of fate. Either way, aside from the color scheme, the other major theme was 'It's a Boy!'
Fortunately, folks didn't get too nuts over it all. I was a bit concerned that they'd go crazy. You never know with my husband's sister. The food was standard picnic fare with an ice cream cake for dessert. I was quite glad that I've taken to carrying lactaid in my purse with me everywhere. I don't think I would have been able to have about half of the food there if I hadn't had it.
I generally hate the dopey games that they make you play at baby showers. Anyone who knows me also knows that I'm not a fan of Bingo in any incarnation of the game. Fortunately, there was only one game played at the baby shower. Unfortunately, I had to suffer thru 'Baby Bingo'. I think I hid my distaste for playing Bingo fairly well. Though I knew that my brother's wife and my mother were both secretly smiling at how much I was suffering. To me, Bingo is the most god-forsakenly boring game on the face of the earth. It doesn't matter how cute you try to make it, it's still boring. We only played 2 rounds, so I wasn't bored for too long. The serious Bingo players in the group, I noticed, lit right up like Christmas trees at the prospect of playing. The kids had fun also, so I guess it wasn't too bad.
It really was a huge surprise that Mom was there. I had expected her to still be out in Ohio or on the road. Everyone except for my husband and I were in on the surprise, apparently. It was wonderful to see her when I had prepared myself not to. I don't think I can really put into words how much it meant for her to be there. Mom had missed my bridal shower because she was on the road trying to get a little more money to help pay for the wedding. It was a huge disappointment, and that was before the familial drama of my Grandmother's stunt.
I now realize that I am switching back and forth between capitalizing Mom and mother. As well as making other grammatical errors. I don't think I care at the moment. :) Sorry, Lady Cinnibar, but the internal editor is on vacation right now. :P (It's always fun to drive my former english major friends nuts... LOL)
The other major highlights of the party were:
- My husband and his father eating the charred hot-dogs. One of these things still had smoke coming off of it! And they were thrilled that these things were so burned. Just goes to show you, I am married to an odd man. :)
- Watching my brother-in-law's girls and my eldest niece play with the adorable little puppy they had brought with them. I think it's called a cockapoo (it's a cross between a cockatiel and a poodle) and is named Toffy. Real pretty little thing with fur the color of caramel and cream, and has a very sweet temperament, too.
- The gift of the refurbished antique rocking chair from my husband's parents left me as speechless as seeing my mother there. This chair, if my suspicion is correct, came from the house of his late grandfather. It is a wonderful and very comfortable rocking chair. If I can manage it, I'll try to post a picture of this thing up here. I'm not very good with figuring out the whole digital camera stuff.
- Having my eldest niece and my mother in law help me out of the rocking chair after I sat down in it was probably the funniest part of the afternoon, too. Wonderful chair, but it's difficult to get out of because it doesn't have arms!
Monday, August 06, 2007
I blame the Russian.
It's all this guy's fault. :)
Your Score: Katharine Hepburn
You scored 23% grit, 14% wit, 47% flair, and 28% class!
You are the fabulously quirky and independent woman of character. You go your own way, follow your own drummer, take your own lead. You stand head and shoulders next to your partner, but you are perfectly willing and able to stand alone. Others might be more classically beautiful or conventionally woman-like, but you possess a more fundamental common sense and off-kilter charm, making interesting men fall at your feet. You can pick them up or leave them there as you see fit. You share the screen with the likes of Spencer Tracy and Cary Grant, thinking men who like strong women.
Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the
Classic Leading Man Test.
| Link: The Classic Dames Test written by gidgetgoes on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test |
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Wow! I'm actually learning how to do this stuff!
For the first time ever, I made a web-page on my own! I'm feeling quite thrilled and proud of myself. I'd been scared to try for a few years. With the fact that I'm starting a business on the internet, I needed to have a web-page. At first, I tried to make one using Geocities. It came out ok, but I couldn't link to it on Keen, where I'm running my business.
I asked my busy husband to help me move the page to Keen. In the midst of his being busy with work and trying to get himself ready for the baby, I realized this morning, it would be better if I took some steps to try to make this page myself. So... I gave it a shot and it actually came out ok. If you look at the section that begins "Meet Your Reader" ... well... I did that!!
I'm feeling *so* proud of myself right now. :) I just thought I'd share that little bit of happiness with all of you before I go rummage around to find my notes on the baby shower.
...
Of course, I wrote down notes! I've been forgetting what I went to get out of the fridge as I'm opening the thing up! If I don't write notes, I'll just have a vague blur for a recollection of the baby shower! And I thought that the forgetfulness to this extent was just a myth... I was *so* wrong! Now... what was I going to do?
Just kidding! Be back soon!
I asked my busy husband to help me move the page to Keen. In the midst of his being busy with work and trying to get himself ready for the baby, I realized this morning, it would be better if I took some steps to try to make this page myself. So... I gave it a shot and it actually came out ok. If you look at the section that begins "Meet Your Reader" ... well... I did that!!
I'm feeling *so* proud of myself right now. :) I just thought I'd share that little bit of happiness with all of you before I go rummage around to find my notes on the baby shower.
...
Of course, I wrote down notes! I've been forgetting what I went to get out of the fridge as I'm opening the thing up! If I don't write notes, I'll just have a vague blur for a recollection of the baby shower! And I thought that the forgetfulness to this extent was just a myth... I was *so* wrong! Now... what was I going to do?
Just kidding! Be back soon!
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Well, it's August.
I don't know about you guys, but it's hot as an oven here. Today, the temperature got up to almost the mid 90s and I think you can probably just wring the water out of the air. Tomorrow, it's supposed to be hotter. I'm not exactly looking forward to it. While we've got some air conditioning now, it confines me to just one room of the apartment. :P
I'm sure that some of you are wondering how I'm doing and just what the juicy details of the baby shower are. I apologize for the fact that I forgot to update here. The past week has been busy mainly in the direction of making baby clothes, when I've been awake. It's somewhat foolish, or at least I feel somewhat foolish, for how I get tired for no apparent reason right now. I understand that because I'm pregnant and it's hot out, my body is feeling more worn out by everything. I just wish that I didn't get so sleepy all the time. It's been difficult to get things done. I'd love to be able to get the dishes done and have this place cleaned up at the end of the day. I don't exactly manage that right now, however.
I may get some of the things I want to do done, like getting the mail or folding up my laundry, but others will fall by the wayside as I run out of steam. I find myself sitting at the computer looking at silly pictures or sitting and reading a book, if I'm not napping right now. Either I'm physically exhausted or I'm mentally drained. Neither work too well for accomplishing much, but I've been doing my best not to feel too guilty over it. But, that's what's been interrupting my posting recently.
I'll ramble about the baby shower in the next post. And it won't be a week until it shows up, I promise!
I'm sure that some of you are wondering how I'm doing and just what the juicy details of the baby shower are. I apologize for the fact that I forgot to update here. The past week has been busy mainly in the direction of making baby clothes, when I've been awake. It's somewhat foolish, or at least I feel somewhat foolish, for how I get tired for no apparent reason right now. I understand that because I'm pregnant and it's hot out, my body is feeling more worn out by everything. I just wish that I didn't get so sleepy all the time. It's been difficult to get things done. I'd love to be able to get the dishes done and have this place cleaned up at the end of the day. I don't exactly manage that right now, however.
I may get some of the things I want to do done, like getting the mail or folding up my laundry, but others will fall by the wayside as I run out of steam. I find myself sitting at the computer looking at silly pictures or sitting and reading a book, if I'm not napping right now. Either I'm physically exhausted or I'm mentally drained. Neither work too well for accomplishing much, but I've been doing my best not to feel too guilty over it. But, that's what's been interrupting my posting recently.
I'll ramble about the baby shower in the next post. And it won't be a week until it shows up, I promise!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Amazing how things change...
I guess all I needed was a good dinner and my honey to talk to. I'm not feeling half as shaky and freaked out. I'm still anxious about stuff, but not to the degree I was earlier. I'm hoping that I can manage to get him to sit down long enough to help me with budget stuff next week, but I don't feel like it's all doomed.
The restaurant we went to has finally finished their remodeling. It was a charming but slightly run-down establishment before. Now, well, it looks completely different. The worn green carpeting is gone, the army of over grown plants along the divider between sections in the back has been scaled down, and the cracked, peeling vinyl seated booths are no more. It is a huge difference. Now, the place has a sleek look and you can really feel that the restaurant has room for a body to move in there.
The food has always been good. The service has been excellent just about every time we have gone in. With the addition of the new hardwood floors, beautifully refurbished booths (that I think are larger), and a general freshening up of the paint, it makes the place look very, very nice. All of this started about four months ago when the business came under new management. The folks that are in charge made a few subtle changes to the menu lay out before ordering whole new menus that are a lot easier to read. They kept the things that sold really well and got rid of the ones that hadn't done well since the late 1970s.
That right there was something that made a little bit of a buzz in town among the regulars. When they started to add new desserts to the menu, more chatter happened and business started to perk up. The place isn't a big, hopping joint but I think it's on its way there. If you're ever in our neck of the woods, we'll have to take you over to Peppermints. I think that they've got the best grilled chicken in the three counties for under $10 and I'm positively addicted to their chef's grilled vegetables. Something about the way these things come out, they're not mushy or burned. It's just enough to bring out the color of the vegetables and still keep 'em crisp.
To say the least, my mood has been dramatically improved. :) Now to go and tackle other projects and tasks around home. At least I got the most miserable of 'em all done. And my darling husband is going to be helping me out with the other one I hate, dishes. It's wonderful, absolutely wonderful that he has been helping out more around the house. I love the fact that as his stress levels at work go down, he helps out more and is generally more cheerful. Here's hoping that things keep going this way!
The restaurant we went to has finally finished their remodeling. It was a charming but slightly run-down establishment before. Now, well, it looks completely different. The worn green carpeting is gone, the army of over grown plants along the divider between sections in the back has been scaled down, and the cracked, peeling vinyl seated booths are no more. It is a huge difference. Now, the place has a sleek look and you can really feel that the restaurant has room for a body to move in there.
The food has always been good. The service has been excellent just about every time we have gone in. With the addition of the new hardwood floors, beautifully refurbished booths (that I think are larger), and a general freshening up of the paint, it makes the place look very, very nice. All of this started about four months ago when the business came under new management. The folks that are in charge made a few subtle changes to the menu lay out before ordering whole new menus that are a lot easier to read. They kept the things that sold really well and got rid of the ones that hadn't done well since the late 1970s.
That right there was something that made a little bit of a buzz in town among the regulars. When they started to add new desserts to the menu, more chatter happened and business started to perk up. The place isn't a big, hopping joint but I think it's on its way there. If you're ever in our neck of the woods, we'll have to take you over to Peppermints. I think that they've got the best grilled chicken in the three counties for under $10 and I'm positively addicted to their chef's grilled vegetables. Something about the way these things come out, they're not mushy or burned. It's just enough to bring out the color of the vegetables and still keep 'em crisp.
To say the least, my mood has been dramatically improved. :) Now to go and tackle other projects and tasks around home. At least I got the most miserable of 'em all done. And my darling husband is going to be helping me out with the other one I hate, dishes. It's wonderful, absolutely wonderful that he has been helping out more around the house. I love the fact that as his stress levels at work go down, he helps out more and is generally more cheerful. Here's hoping that things keep going this way!
I feel almost ready to SCREAM!
I absolutely hate going thru the bills. I recognize it is a necessary evil. Unfortunately, it is something that just must be done. As I've spent multiple hours dealing with this headache, I feel almost ready to spontaneously combust or scream. I'm honestly not sure which. And to think, some time over the next week, the budget for next month needs made and the check register gets to be compared to the bank statement. Oh how much joy and rapture will this be, indeed.
It doesn't help that the pile of bills and mail that I just went thru had been sitting for months. Fortunately, most of the bills are paid. Those that are awaiting payment and filing are now in a nice, neat little stack next to my desk. I still feel on the verge of a complete freak out because I've been sorting and filing old medical bills and expenses. Right now, I can feel my hands beginning to tremble and I'm torn between being cranky as hell and just whimpering in anxiety.
It's a huge mess. I'll admit it. Between the mountain of medical bills related to the year that I didn't really have a job and had many lung problems and the bills all relating to the health needs I've had over the past three years, I think the amount of debt in this front is probably equal to the amount I owe on my student loans. I honestly don't know, which is part of what has me freaking out right now. I have no damn clue how much money I owe people.
It makes trying to get the financial picture settled out scary as hell. I really do wish that I had my husband's constitution. It seems like the man never gets sick. When he gets a cold, it's the sniffles where as I am sick in bed for a week with a sinus infection and a cough that the neighbors hear thru the wall. Now, I am finding myself dreading things like when cold and flu season comes because I don't know if the baby is going to take after me or my husband. I don't know if I'm going to be horribly ill at some point and be absolutely useless for taking care of the baby. It's ... it's rather terrifying because I don't know what to do right now.
I'm doing my best to remain healthy. We've got good health insurance. I try to keep our home relatively clean and make sure that we eat healthy. It feels like the rest is just up to the fates. After all, who knows when my ovaries will decide it's time to have a grapefruit sized cyst or if my lungs just feel that it's a ducky idea to not function quite right because of my allergies. Here's hoping that my anxiety attacks don't start coming back as I handle things with the money around here. Gods, I hate dealing with this crap.
It doesn't help that the pile of bills and mail that I just went thru had been sitting for months. Fortunately, most of the bills are paid. Those that are awaiting payment and filing are now in a nice, neat little stack next to my desk. I still feel on the verge of a complete freak out because I've been sorting and filing old medical bills and expenses. Right now, I can feel my hands beginning to tremble and I'm torn between being cranky as hell and just whimpering in anxiety.
It's a huge mess. I'll admit it. Between the mountain of medical bills related to the year that I didn't really have a job and had many lung problems and the bills all relating to the health needs I've had over the past three years, I think the amount of debt in this front is probably equal to the amount I owe on my student loans. I honestly don't know, which is part of what has me freaking out right now. I have no damn clue how much money I owe people.
It makes trying to get the financial picture settled out scary as hell. I really do wish that I had my husband's constitution. It seems like the man never gets sick. When he gets a cold, it's the sniffles where as I am sick in bed for a week with a sinus infection and a cough that the neighbors hear thru the wall. Now, I am finding myself dreading things like when cold and flu season comes because I don't know if the baby is going to take after me or my husband. I don't know if I'm going to be horribly ill at some point and be absolutely useless for taking care of the baby. It's ... it's rather terrifying because I don't know what to do right now.
I'm doing my best to remain healthy. We've got good health insurance. I try to keep our home relatively clean and make sure that we eat healthy. It feels like the rest is just up to the fates. After all, who knows when my ovaries will decide it's time to have a grapefruit sized cyst or if my lungs just feel that it's a ducky idea to not function quite right because of my allergies. Here's hoping that my anxiety attacks don't start coming back as I handle things with the money around here. Gods, I hate dealing with this crap.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
It actually went somwhat well...
I'll give a more complete report of how the adventure known as the baby shower went last Saturday during the daylight hours. I'm making progress on things like baby clothes and getting the apartment ready for a massive amount of furniture rearrangement. The last few days have been odd. Monday I slept all day because I was exhausted for some unknown reason. Today, I woke up because the baby was kicking a lot at about 8 am. I'm not going to try to figure this out.
I've moved the supply of antacids to the bedroom because the heartburn has gotten to the point where it wakes me up and doesn't let me sleep more often then 3 times a night. I'm hoping that this will be gone as soon as the baby is born. The last thing I need is for the heartburn and the lactose intolerance to potentially continue.
I've most of the thank you cards written from the baby shower. I now need to address them and send them in the mail. I will try to remember to send letters out to the various people I must be writing as well, I'm not sure how successful I will be. I've completed the pre-registration paperwork for the hospital and I'm in the beginning of completing the new patient paperwork for the baby. As I move forward on these things, I am baffled yet again by the sheer mass of bureaucratic paper pushing that is required for events such as birthing a child, getting married, or dying. I suppose hell is well populated with the persons who felt these paper trails were necessary, because it's pure suffering to be fighting with all of it.
I'm not looking forward to the 'fun' of the social security paperwork. It was a huge headache just to get my stuff updated when I got married and changed my last name. I don't want to think about how painful it will be to do the paperwork for the baby. Either way, I'll be posting more tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to drink my glass of water (grimacing at the heartburn) and maybe read up on some nice recipes.
I've moved the supply of antacids to the bedroom because the heartburn has gotten to the point where it wakes me up and doesn't let me sleep more often then 3 times a night. I'm hoping that this will be gone as soon as the baby is born. The last thing I need is for the heartburn and the lactose intolerance to potentially continue.
I've most of the thank you cards written from the baby shower. I now need to address them and send them in the mail. I will try to remember to send letters out to the various people I must be writing as well, I'm not sure how successful I will be. I've completed the pre-registration paperwork for the hospital and I'm in the beginning of completing the new patient paperwork for the baby. As I move forward on these things, I am baffled yet again by the sheer mass of bureaucratic paper pushing that is required for events such as birthing a child, getting married, or dying. I suppose hell is well populated with the persons who felt these paper trails were necessary, because it's pure suffering to be fighting with all of it.
I'm not looking forward to the 'fun' of the social security paperwork. It was a huge headache just to get my stuff updated when I got married and changed my last name. I don't want to think about how painful it will be to do the paperwork for the baby. Either way, I'll be posting more tomorrow. Right now, I'm going to drink my glass of water (grimacing at the heartburn) and maybe read up on some nice recipes.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
an artist's perspective
I like unusual and unique artwork. I think that this gentleman's work clearly qualifies. I just found this blog and I've got to say it's amazing.
Bent Objects
Excellent work Terry! I look forward to seeing more as time moves forward!
Bent Objects
Excellent work Terry! I look forward to seeing more as time moves forward!
Going to Buffalo.
Yep, my husband and I do that some times. We don't live *too* far away so we can get over this way to visit some of our friends here. Last night, after the baby shower, we came out for a game that my husband helps to run. As he was assisting in directing the players to their various tasks and keeping order in the chaos that usually follows, I sat and worked on some embroidery. The baby blanket that I have been making for the last year is almost done.
It was a quiet evening, despite the fact that the game was an active group and after which we came to a friend's house for a bonfire. Somehow, even with all the potential for things to turn crazy, it didn't. I am glad that we stopped over here at our friends' house. After the baby is born, we're not really going to get too many opportunities to just cruise over here and hang out. I'm not sure but I think this may be the last time I come out this way for a while.
I feel sad because I am going to miss a lot of folks. At the same time, there is a good deal of teenage angst/drama that happens surrounding the games we play in that I won't miss. I've made some good friends here and I'll do my best to keep in touch with them. I just hope that it doesn't turn into a case of 'out of sight, out of mind.' I don't know what I'll be doing to get out of the house and take a break from taking care of the baby. I sincerely hope that it will not be something foolish, like perhaps going to the mall or something equally inane. It's hard enough to figure out what to do with myself now, before the baby is born.
I am nervous that I'm going to possibly be socially isolated by virtue of the fact that I'm not going to be leaving home very much. In the same moment, however, I feel relieved to have some of the social awkwardness lifted from my shoulders. I'm not exactly comfortable in a city setting and I find that I have a difficult time finding common ground with folks who are from the city. It still surprises me that some of my most lasting friendships are from people who were raised in major metropolitan areas. I guess my rough, some what shy, country ways isn't too alienating. I just worry that they are. Now, I'm going to be embarking on something of a great adventure, raising a child with my husband. I hope that the baby doesn't grow up to resent us too much for not favoring the city and it's rapid pace of life. It sure does look more interesting then watching grass grow in our little town or out on the farm.
It was a quiet evening, despite the fact that the game was an active group and after which we came to a friend's house for a bonfire. Somehow, even with all the potential for things to turn crazy, it didn't. I am glad that we stopped over here at our friends' house. After the baby is born, we're not really going to get too many opportunities to just cruise over here and hang out. I'm not sure but I think this may be the last time I come out this way for a while.
I feel sad because I am going to miss a lot of folks. At the same time, there is a good deal of teenage angst/drama that happens surrounding the games we play in that I won't miss. I've made some good friends here and I'll do my best to keep in touch with them. I just hope that it doesn't turn into a case of 'out of sight, out of mind.' I don't know what I'll be doing to get out of the house and take a break from taking care of the baby. I sincerely hope that it will not be something foolish, like perhaps going to the mall or something equally inane. It's hard enough to figure out what to do with myself now, before the baby is born.
I am nervous that I'm going to possibly be socially isolated by virtue of the fact that I'm not going to be leaving home very much. In the same moment, however, I feel relieved to have some of the social awkwardness lifted from my shoulders. I'm not exactly comfortable in a city setting and I find that I have a difficult time finding common ground with folks who are from the city. It still surprises me that some of my most lasting friendships are from people who were raised in major metropolitan areas. I guess my rough, some what shy, country ways isn't too alienating. I just worry that they are. Now, I'm going to be embarking on something of a great adventure, raising a child with my husband. I hope that the baby doesn't grow up to resent us too much for not favoring the city and it's rapid pace of life. It sure does look more interesting then watching grass grow in our little town or out on the farm.
The Baby Shower
I'm relieved to say that the baby shower did not turn into the fiasco that I was so worried it would. Held at my Parents-In-Law's home, it was a casual affair. The color scheme was baby blue and white, with the accents of yellow occasionally. There were balloons which said "Welcome Baby!" and "It's a Boy!" in blue and white. The weather was stunning, which only served to help the time fly by.
I think that one of the biggest surprises of the day was having my Mom there. I had thought that she was going to still be out of town on business, but I was obviously wrong. The other surprise was the refurbished antique rocking chair that my husband's parents gave us. To say that I was stunned would be to commit a great understatement, I was speechless. It is a beautiful chair and actually more comfortable then the rocking chair that I had located at Wal-Mart.
I wasn't terribly enthralled with the 'Baby Bingo' game that was played, but it made me smile to watch my brother's and my brother-in-law's children win the game. We didn't receive half as many baby toys as I thought we were going to have thrust upon us. Mainly, the gifts were clothes. It's some what amusing that they got the message wrong and most of the clothes that we were given were for an older baby. It's a good thing that I've been working on sweaters and the like for a newborn to a 3 month old child.
My dear and darling husband did come to the party with me. He, his brother, and my father-in-law, all hid away from us ladies, however. My father-in-law did pester his wife as to when ice cream was going to be served immediately after we were finished with the picnic lunch. It was good for a chuckle, as was the expressions of shock on my husband's aunt's face when he and his father both ate some royally burned hot dogs. These things were still some what smoking when they came out for some more to eat.
I generally avoided talking with my grandmother by being chatty with my sisters-in-law. My brother's wife and my husband's brother's wife both got along quite well together. I think that is just wonderful and I hope that maybe they can strike up a friendship. My brother's wife is a somewhat lonely woman, despite the fact that she has a brood of girls and a small army of family immediately around her. It is my hope that us married women with children may actually get together on a somewhat regular basis after the baby is born. I know that it would probably do all of us and our kids some good.
On the whole, the family party was a nice party. I do still feel disappointed that a party involving my friends couldn't have happened. I couldn't help but smile, however, when my husband said that when our next baby was going to come along, he would take a hand in planning the baby shower so that will happen. I had been a nervous wreck over the last few weeks leading up to this party. It's kinda funny, in a sad way, that I was so anxious over this.
I don't know if it was hormones contributing to the anxiety or if it was the painfully clear recollection of the humiliation that came along from my grandmother at the last big party thrown in my honor. Either way, I walked into this expecting to have to face the worst and do so with the same level of cool headed grace as I had when there was panic behind the scenes at the wedding. It was an enormous relief that the worst thing that happened was a toddler fell over and some hot dogs got burned beyond recognition. It gives me a thin bit of hope that the next time some one plans a party for me, it won't turn into a disaster or some kind of display of familial obligation (if not some sick combination of the two).
I think that one of the biggest surprises of the day was having my Mom there. I had thought that she was going to still be out of town on business, but I was obviously wrong. The other surprise was the refurbished antique rocking chair that my husband's parents gave us. To say that I was stunned would be to commit a great understatement, I was speechless. It is a beautiful chair and actually more comfortable then the rocking chair that I had located at Wal-Mart.
I wasn't terribly enthralled with the 'Baby Bingo' game that was played, but it made me smile to watch my brother's and my brother-in-law's children win the game. We didn't receive half as many baby toys as I thought we were going to have thrust upon us. Mainly, the gifts were clothes. It's some what amusing that they got the message wrong and most of the clothes that we were given were for an older baby. It's a good thing that I've been working on sweaters and the like for a newborn to a 3 month old child.
My dear and darling husband did come to the party with me. He, his brother, and my father-in-law, all hid away from us ladies, however. My father-in-law did pester his wife as to when ice cream was going to be served immediately after we were finished with the picnic lunch. It was good for a chuckle, as was the expressions of shock on my husband's aunt's face when he and his father both ate some royally burned hot dogs. These things were still some what smoking when they came out for some more to eat.
I generally avoided talking with my grandmother by being chatty with my sisters-in-law. My brother's wife and my husband's brother's wife both got along quite well together. I think that is just wonderful and I hope that maybe they can strike up a friendship. My brother's wife is a somewhat lonely woman, despite the fact that she has a brood of girls and a small army of family immediately around her. It is my hope that us married women with children may actually get together on a somewhat regular basis after the baby is born. I know that it would probably do all of us and our kids some good.
On the whole, the family party was a nice party. I do still feel disappointed that a party involving my friends couldn't have happened. I couldn't help but smile, however, when my husband said that when our next baby was going to come along, he would take a hand in planning the baby shower so that will happen. I had been a nervous wreck over the last few weeks leading up to this party. It's kinda funny, in a sad way, that I was so anxious over this.
I don't know if it was hormones contributing to the anxiety or if it was the painfully clear recollection of the humiliation that came along from my grandmother at the last big party thrown in my honor. Either way, I walked into this expecting to have to face the worst and do so with the same level of cool headed grace as I had when there was panic behind the scenes at the wedding. It was an enormous relief that the worst thing that happened was a toddler fell over and some hot dogs got burned beyond recognition. It gives me a thin bit of hope that the next time some one plans a party for me, it won't turn into a disaster or some kind of display of familial obligation (if not some sick combination of the two).
Thursday, July 19, 2007
update upon the mood front
I'm not feeling as upset/depressed as I was earlier. I suppose the combination of a nap, a shower, and spending some quality time with my husband is what did it. I'm still unhappy that my friends won't be able to make it to the baby shower, but that's how life goes sometimes. I don't know if I had noted the fact that I've started an on-line business or not. I suppose if I hadn't I just did. :)
I've finally taken the big plunge and stared an on-line tarot reading business thru Keen.com, despite my anxiety. So far, it has been slow going. I've got the beginnings of a web-page designed. My dear and darling husband is going to fix it up so that it actually looks presentable. There will be a picture of me up on the listing and on the web-page. I've started another blog just for this little business of mine. On the whole, I've got a some what sound beginning set up.
I've even actually had a few callers. Generally, it's been a lot less complicated then I was concerned it would be. I must admit, it is pretty amusing that I had dragged out my old text books from the class that I took at college for mass media writing. It included a section on advertising, which I have reviewed and am attempting to apply towards things like the website I am building with my husband's help. It is my hope that I will build up a reasonable bit of advertising and such so that I can have a somewhat regular check coming in from this.
The way my husband and I figure it, if I can get to a point where I can have a regular customer base and a flexible schedule, I should be able to continue doing this after the baby is born. The grand experiment of selling items on Craigslist.com has not panned out very well for me. It would be really nice if it did, but I'm afraid to say that I'm not offering anything interesting enough for sale to get any buyers. I could theoretically be making and selling baby booties, but I just don't want to take the effort I'm using for making baby clothes and spend it on some one else's baby, unless they are a friend of mine. It may sound a bit selfish or perhaps mean-spirited but it's how I feel. I'll post more about the baby clothes stuff in a little bit.
I've finally taken the big plunge and stared an on-line tarot reading business thru Keen.com, despite my anxiety. So far, it has been slow going. I've got the beginnings of a web-page designed. My dear and darling husband is going to fix it up so that it actually looks presentable. There will be a picture of me up on the listing and on the web-page. I've started another blog just for this little business of mine. On the whole, I've got a some what sound beginning set up.
I've even actually had a few callers. Generally, it's been a lot less complicated then I was concerned it would be. I must admit, it is pretty amusing that I had dragged out my old text books from the class that I took at college for mass media writing. It included a section on advertising, which I have reviewed and am attempting to apply towards things like the website I am building with my husband's help. It is my hope that I will build up a reasonable bit of advertising and such so that I can have a somewhat regular check coming in from this.
The way my husband and I figure it, if I can get to a point where I can have a regular customer base and a flexible schedule, I should be able to continue doing this after the baby is born. The grand experiment of selling items on Craigslist.com has not panned out very well for me. It would be really nice if it did, but I'm afraid to say that I'm not offering anything interesting enough for sale to get any buyers. I could theoretically be making and selling baby booties, but I just don't want to take the effort I'm using for making baby clothes and spend it on some one else's baby, unless they are a friend of mine. It may sound a bit selfish or perhaps mean-spirited but it's how I feel. I'll post more about the baby clothes stuff in a little bit.
what i've been up to...
Well, where do I begin? I haven't really been terribly active of late. I try to get my walks in, but as things have progressed over the last month or so, my walks become shorter and shorter. Swollen feet and ankles don't exactly help a person take a two mile walk or even a quarter mile walk. I've been feeling kinda bummed today, actually for the past few days. The reasons are fairly simple and I feel rather annoyed with myself over them.
I'm nervous as hell that this baby shower that's being thrown for me by my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law is going to come out like the bridal shower did. I was painfully bored and I was offended deeply by my paternal grandmother's antics. Maybe it's just me, but it's kinda offensive to be giving some one a copy of Etiquette for Dummies. I'm dreading the idea of her deciding to give me a copy of Parenting for Dummies because she's ticked off by the fact that she wasn't involved in the planning of the baby shower or some other thing. I feel badly that I don't really want to go to this thing, because I'm expecting the worst possible things to happen.
I feel like my family doesn't generally give a damn about me. Mom calls me and checks up on me at times. I know that my brothers care and so do their families. The rest of 'em... well, they don't take the time to call me or try to see me. And yet I'm supposed to believe that they care, are interested in my well being, and I should be putting in the effort to go see them. It's rather ... stupid (to put it as lightly as I can). I hate to have to go and court the good favor of my relatives when things are generally good. To have to do so when I'm pregnant and the rest of the world seems to think that I should be receiving visitors and good wishes, well, it's rubbing salt in the wound. Especially when I've got neighbors and associates who assume that this is how life is for me, as it supposedly is for each woman that is pregnant.
I guess I can say that I feel depressed right now. It's not due to the fact that my hormones are a bit nuts right now. Or at least, I don't think that's the case. I feel hurt by the fact that I spend everyday home alone. Friends who said they'd call me from work never did. Family who said they were looking forward to visiting me when school was over, well, they don't show up. I've some other folks who have a knack for getting themselves into trouble and then call me to resolve it, people who I thought were my friends but are now showing that they're just using me.
In the midst of all of this, I've got some friends who I am trying to get a hold of but it just hasn't been working out right. Now, I'm scared that I've offended them or some how managed to push them away, so that the friendship is destroyed now. Never mind the fact that I had wanted them to come to my baby shower, but it's just not happening this summer. I got mad because I had assumed that my sister-in-law was being a flake (as per usual) and had put off planning the baby shower for months. I then find out that the gal was attempting to plan the shower with a mutual friend from high school, who had become pregnant recently. The delay in the shower was due to a combination of the friend's morning sickness making planning difficult and family chaos in my husband's family.
So, I feel mad at myself for being angry with my sister-in-law. At the same time, I'm mad at my sister-in-law because she didn't get a hold of my brother's wife (who according to theory was helping in the planning, but no one really talked to her, apparently). I've got so many different things that are bothering me and making me upset. I feel like I shouldn't be upset like this, like I should be one of those women who take everything that happens in their pregnancy with complete aplomb and navigates the situation with the best of 'em. I don't know if I have legitimate reasons to be upset.
I want to cry, scream, or just crawl into bed and hide from the world. I've been keeping a lot of the upset bottled up and it just kinda blurted out here. I'm sorry if I've disturbed you. I wasn't trying to, just trying to maybe help myself feel better. It doesn't seem to be working at the moment. I guess I will go crawl into bed and hide from the world. Sometimes, when the world feels like it's out to just make you feel like crap, the best thing to do is go take a nap.
My dear husband, I'm pretty sure that you're going to read this. I know that there's a lot of good that I've done recently and there's a lot of good on the way to us. I know that our baby is healthy and that's a huge blessing in and of itself. I know you love me and that you think that I am a competent woman. I just feel badly right now. Getting mentally prepared for the 'fun' of this weekend, well... it makes me feel like I need to force a smile and do my best to make everyone else happy, damn how I feel. It's just how it feels to me between how the last big party held in my "honor" went and how virtually every other party had gone in my family that was for me. It hurts to feel like this and I don't know what to do.
I'll do a happier post or at least a less upset one after I wake up from my nap.
I'm nervous as hell that this baby shower that's being thrown for me by my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law is going to come out like the bridal shower did. I was painfully bored and I was offended deeply by my paternal grandmother's antics. Maybe it's just me, but it's kinda offensive to be giving some one a copy of Etiquette for Dummies. I'm dreading the idea of her deciding to give me a copy of Parenting for Dummies because she's ticked off by the fact that she wasn't involved in the planning of the baby shower or some other thing. I feel badly that I don't really want to go to this thing, because I'm expecting the worst possible things to happen.
I feel like my family doesn't generally give a damn about me. Mom calls me and checks up on me at times. I know that my brothers care and so do their families. The rest of 'em... well, they don't take the time to call me or try to see me. And yet I'm supposed to believe that they care, are interested in my well being, and I should be putting in the effort to go see them. It's rather ... stupid (to put it as lightly as I can). I hate to have to go and court the good favor of my relatives when things are generally good. To have to do so when I'm pregnant and the rest of the world seems to think that I should be receiving visitors and good wishes, well, it's rubbing salt in the wound. Especially when I've got neighbors and associates who assume that this is how life is for me, as it supposedly is for each woman that is pregnant.
I guess I can say that I feel depressed right now. It's not due to the fact that my hormones are a bit nuts right now. Or at least, I don't think that's the case. I feel hurt by the fact that I spend everyday home alone. Friends who said they'd call me from work never did. Family who said they were looking forward to visiting me when school was over, well, they don't show up. I've some other folks who have a knack for getting themselves into trouble and then call me to resolve it, people who I thought were my friends but are now showing that they're just using me.
In the midst of all of this, I've got some friends who I am trying to get a hold of but it just hasn't been working out right. Now, I'm scared that I've offended them or some how managed to push them away, so that the friendship is destroyed now. Never mind the fact that I had wanted them to come to my baby shower, but it's just not happening this summer. I got mad because I had assumed that my sister-in-law was being a flake (as per usual) and had put off planning the baby shower for months. I then find out that the gal was attempting to plan the shower with a mutual friend from high school, who had become pregnant recently. The delay in the shower was due to a combination of the friend's morning sickness making planning difficult and family chaos in my husband's family.
So, I feel mad at myself for being angry with my sister-in-law. At the same time, I'm mad at my sister-in-law because she didn't get a hold of my brother's wife (who according to theory was helping in the planning, but no one really talked to her, apparently). I've got so many different things that are bothering me and making me upset. I feel like I shouldn't be upset like this, like I should be one of those women who take everything that happens in their pregnancy with complete aplomb and navigates the situation with the best of 'em. I don't know if I have legitimate reasons to be upset.
I want to cry, scream, or just crawl into bed and hide from the world. I've been keeping a lot of the upset bottled up and it just kinda blurted out here. I'm sorry if I've disturbed you. I wasn't trying to, just trying to maybe help myself feel better. It doesn't seem to be working at the moment. I guess I will go crawl into bed and hide from the world. Sometimes, when the world feels like it's out to just make you feel like crap, the best thing to do is go take a nap.
My dear husband, I'm pretty sure that you're going to read this. I know that there's a lot of good that I've done recently and there's a lot of good on the way to us. I know that our baby is healthy and that's a huge blessing in and of itself. I know you love me and that you think that I am a competent woman. I just feel badly right now. Getting mentally prepared for the 'fun' of this weekend, well... it makes me feel like I need to force a smile and do my best to make everyone else happy, damn how I feel. It's just how it feels to me between how the last big party held in my "honor" went and how virtually every other party had gone in my family that was for me. It hurts to feel like this and I don't know what to do.
I'll do a happier post or at least a less upset one after I wake up from my nap.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
I may sound paranoid at times but ...
So, I'm reading the news and listening to the news radio programs about everything going on in the world. As I am listening and reading, it occurs to me, the fact that the head honcho at the Homeland Security office has a 'gut feeling' that a terrorist attack may happen is quite possibly a clever ploy to attempt to clamp down more on the rights of the people. Maybe it's just me, but doesn't it seem like any time there is some big announcement that we've to be 'concerned' (read afraid and kowtowing to the State) about terrorists that there's some kind of shyster move being made domestically. It's kinda like during the Clinton administration there was a new scandal or international incident to cover up some domestic screwing of the citizens that was being done.
Maybe I'm paranoid.
Maybe I'm not, and that is what troubles me.
Maybe I'm paranoid.
Maybe I'm not, and that is what troubles me.
Monday, July 09, 2007
hmm...
Somebody must have told the marketing folks here at Blogger about my penchant for collecting and reading cookbooks.
I just found at least six different cooking related blogs displayed as "blogs of note" for me to review via the links at the dashboard page. Some of the items looked wonderful. Others, well... they weren't quite my style, but it was interesting to read about them.
I'm an odd person, I suppose. I've started to keep a cooking journal of sorts. It's really just a few notebooks of recipes. Some day, I'll actually write down some thoughts about the recipes, aside from what substitutions work best and which ones my husband likes. I've started one for my girlfriend Lionessa. At some point, I really should get over there to give it to her. I think she'll enjoy it a lot.
I love to write and I'm finding that I've a budding love of cooking. I just wish that I didn't abhor the cleaning up part quite so much. I think it would make my culinary adventures easier then. There's still that pile of dishes in the other room and I suspect that 78% is probably about as cool as it is going to get tonight. This may be the best time to go wash dishes and get a few things ready so that we can actually have dinner at home tomorrow night. I just don't know if I feel motivated enough ... no, not motivated... I don't know what the right word for it is. Ah well, I think I'll be procrastinating on dishes for yet another hour of insomnia... as I suspect I'm not going to really sleep at all tonight.
I just found at least six different cooking related blogs displayed as "blogs of note" for me to review via the links at the dashboard page. Some of the items looked wonderful. Others, well... they weren't quite my style, but it was interesting to read about them.
I'm an odd person, I suppose. I've started to keep a cooking journal of sorts. It's really just a few notebooks of recipes. Some day, I'll actually write down some thoughts about the recipes, aside from what substitutions work best and which ones my husband likes. I've started one for my girlfriend Lionessa. At some point, I really should get over there to give it to her. I think she'll enjoy it a lot.
I love to write and I'm finding that I've a budding love of cooking. I just wish that I didn't abhor the cleaning up part quite so much. I think it would make my culinary adventures easier then. There's still that pile of dishes in the other room and I suspect that 78% is probably about as cool as it is going to get tonight. This may be the best time to go wash dishes and get a few things ready so that we can actually have dinner at home tomorrow night. I just don't know if I feel motivated enough ... no, not motivated... I don't know what the right word for it is. Ah well, I think I'll be procrastinating on dishes for yet another hour of insomnia... as I suspect I'm not going to really sleep at all tonight.
insomnia, anyone?
Here I am, sitting here at the computer when I really should be sleeping. I don't really have a reason to be awake right now. My darling husband is actually sleeping quietly and peacefully. He's even managing not to take pillows or push me off the bed, as he does some times (usually about 4 in the morning). The baby's not kicking a lot. The air conditioner is doing wonders and making the bedroom actually comfortable for sleeping.
I just can't sleep.
Instead, I find my mind wandering. I think I've mentally sung the lyrics to about six different country songs over the last two hours. I can't seem to manage to get into that relaxed sleepy state that I was in when I first went to go lay down. Ironically, now that I'm up and typing here at the computer, I've actually got a bit of heartburn. :P I was comfy and all, I just couldn't make my brain quiet down.
If I wasn't singing country songs in my head, I was wondering if it was going to rain tonight. I was staring out the window counting the number of cars driving by based on the glare of the headlights against the bit of the roof that overhangs the bedroom window. I was wondering how my husband was sleeping, hoping that his dreams weren't stressful. Given that he's not snoring, tossing, turning, or muttering in his sleep, I don't think I've got anything to worry about there.
I debated going and washing the small mountain of dishes that needs done right now. I think the noise of it would wake my husband up, though. It's been a while since he's gotten a good night's sleep. I worry about him sometimes. Well, more often then sometimes. I can't really help worrying about him. It's not that he's got a dangerous job or anything else crazy like that. He's just been really stressed out of late with work and he's been a bit panicked over my well being since the whole business with my appendix back in January/February. It makes it where he doesn't sleep well.
It's hard to believe that I'm now 8 months pregnant. I'm finding myself feeling nothing of the excitement that so many other women have or the nervousness that I'm being told that I should be. I haven't been too uncomfortable with this pregnancy. Sure, it's ackward and I really would like it if my ankles didn't swell up like balloons when the weather got hot or I was standing for a while. The sore back and now the sore hip are also feelings I could probably do with out, but it's not too crippling.
I kinda wish that I had a few more pictures of myself as this pregnancy progressed, but life got in the way of that happening. It always seems to happen that way, life getting in the way of plans and projects. I've gotten a fair amount of sewing done, even some crochet for the baby's clothes. I don't like this one pattern for leggings. I'm half tempted to rip the work out and just make something different with the yarn. It's not the best idea, though, because I'm so close to having these goofy things done. It's just the difficulty of getting the one leg finished properly for the back of the leggings. Once one is finished, the second leg just whips right along. Then I'll just need to stitch them together and make the shoulder straps.
I'm going to be making some baby sweaters, caps, and mittens. Hubby wants me to use this rather garishly colored yarn to make an outfit for the baby. It'll match the little lap blanket that I've been working on for hubby, so I'm not going to object too much. I bought the yarn back in December, shortly after I learned I was pregnant, and I thought that as I worked with it the colors would settle out into a rainbow pattern. I was wrong, as I found out making baby booties for coworkers back in June. It makes this (hideous, in my opinion; cool, in his) tie-dyed/melted crayon effect to the fabric that blends these bright colors together. While I want to use bright colors and I am willing to put some unusual color combinations together, this is just too much for me. Hubby, however, loves the combination and just about begged me to make some clothes for the baby with this yarn.
So, I went out to the store and bought more of this yarn. His lap blanket/afghan will be done soon and I'll make the clothes next. I'm not using the dopey pattern that is in my book, though. It's driving me crazy because I swear that these people can not count. I've been trying to correct for their errors but it's getting rather aggrivating. I'm thinking that I'll probably make a nice little shawl for me, too. I won't be doing the screamingly obnoxious color combinations that range from a deep wine color to the bright shade of the inside of a cooked acorn squash. And those two colors are right next to each other on this skein of yarn! :P
I have a big skein of garnet colored yarn that I think I will be using. I just need to decide on the pattern. Here's hoping that it will be done better then this pattern for the leggings. :p
I just can't sleep.
Instead, I find my mind wandering. I think I've mentally sung the lyrics to about six different country songs over the last two hours. I can't seem to manage to get into that relaxed sleepy state that I was in when I first went to go lay down. Ironically, now that I'm up and typing here at the computer, I've actually got a bit of heartburn. :P I was comfy and all, I just couldn't make my brain quiet down.
If I wasn't singing country songs in my head, I was wondering if it was going to rain tonight. I was staring out the window counting the number of cars driving by based on the glare of the headlights against the bit of the roof that overhangs the bedroom window. I was wondering how my husband was sleeping, hoping that his dreams weren't stressful. Given that he's not snoring, tossing, turning, or muttering in his sleep, I don't think I've got anything to worry about there.
I debated going and washing the small mountain of dishes that needs done right now. I think the noise of it would wake my husband up, though. It's been a while since he's gotten a good night's sleep. I worry about him sometimes. Well, more often then sometimes. I can't really help worrying about him. It's not that he's got a dangerous job or anything else crazy like that. He's just been really stressed out of late with work and he's been a bit panicked over my well being since the whole business with my appendix back in January/February. It makes it where he doesn't sleep well.
It's hard to believe that I'm now 8 months pregnant. I'm finding myself feeling nothing of the excitement that so many other women have or the nervousness that I'm being told that I should be. I haven't been too uncomfortable with this pregnancy. Sure, it's ackward and I really would like it if my ankles didn't swell up like balloons when the weather got hot or I was standing for a while. The sore back and now the sore hip are also feelings I could probably do with out, but it's not too crippling.
I kinda wish that I had a few more pictures of myself as this pregnancy progressed, but life got in the way of that happening. It always seems to happen that way, life getting in the way of plans and projects. I've gotten a fair amount of sewing done, even some crochet for the baby's clothes. I don't like this one pattern for leggings. I'm half tempted to rip the work out and just make something different with the yarn. It's not the best idea, though, because I'm so close to having these goofy things done. It's just the difficulty of getting the one leg finished properly for the back of the leggings. Once one is finished, the second leg just whips right along. Then I'll just need to stitch them together and make the shoulder straps.
I'm going to be making some baby sweaters, caps, and mittens. Hubby wants me to use this rather garishly colored yarn to make an outfit for the baby. It'll match the little lap blanket that I've been working on for hubby, so I'm not going to object too much. I bought the yarn back in December, shortly after I learned I was pregnant, and I thought that as I worked with it the colors would settle out into a rainbow pattern. I was wrong, as I found out making baby booties for coworkers back in June. It makes this (hideous, in my opinion; cool, in his) tie-dyed/melted crayon effect to the fabric that blends these bright colors together. While I want to use bright colors and I am willing to put some unusual color combinations together, this is just too much for me. Hubby, however, loves the combination and just about begged me to make some clothes for the baby with this yarn.
So, I went out to the store and bought more of this yarn. His lap blanket/afghan will be done soon and I'll make the clothes next. I'm not using the dopey pattern that is in my book, though. It's driving me crazy because I swear that these people can not count. I've been trying to correct for their errors but it's getting rather aggrivating. I'm thinking that I'll probably make a nice little shawl for me, too. I won't be doing the screamingly obnoxious color combinations that range from a deep wine color to the bright shade of the inside of a cooked acorn squash. And those two colors are right next to each other on this skein of yarn! :P
I have a big skein of garnet colored yarn that I think I will be using. I just need to decide on the pattern. Here's hoping that it will be done better then this pattern for the leggings. :p
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