When I am depressed, I have delusions of inadequacy. It gets ugly in my head. They start with niggling little doubts. Then as the tide of despair rises, those doubts get louder and more vicious. It happens to be a particularly challenging time because my sleep schedule gets messed up and inadequate sleep or too much sleep makes it harder to refocus on more positive things. (I, for one, support abolishing the bi-annual time change for the sake of my brain health.) [Aug 31, '26]
It's been difficult to write. Even my short poems of daily prayers over on Tumblr are a struggle. I have reached the point that I am struggling with the urge to give up all together. I am not well. I am in the process of a medication change. I'm on a higher dosage of one of my antidepressants that is used off label to help with psychosis symptoms. That was started a little over a week ago. The fact that I feel motivation to make this post is an indication that it is helping, even though I don't feel like it is doing much.
It helps to remember that 'happy pills' don't make you 'happy' and to lower expectations to something more reasonable when you're unwell. I am attempting to expect myself not to function as if I am perfectly fine when I am clearly not. It is a daily struggle. I wake up with the echo of my dad saying 'you have two arms and two legs, they're not broken. get to work.' Having depression in my parents house was no picnic and their treatment of it was as if it was an epidemic of laziness and self-centered behavior. Thus I did my best to mask it whenever I wasn't in a 'normal' state.
My brain is winding up to start a trip down memory lane, revisiting all the bullshit but I'm doing my best to resist that. It doesn't do me any good and makes me more prone to self-sabotage. Like my blood sugar is high because I am not thoughtfully eating, I am 'snacking' more and passively neglecting my limits while still taking my pills and such. It's like Catholic suicide: you just neglect yourself until you die.
I'm not suicidal. I am neglectful because of a persistent delusion that I don't deserve care and such because I have not worked hard enough to be worthy of it. I'm working with my therapist on trying to short circuit that mental loop but we haven't had much success yet. [Oct 3, '26]
