Exhausted but upright anyways.

 I am working with a sleep clinic that posts their results in a file that I and my care team can read together. I am not expert on sleep apnea but I suspect that the doctor who runs the clinic is going to have some things to say that I don't want to hear. Like that I have some form of sleep apnea and that one night of the two night test, I did stop breathing. I'm trying to steel myself for this potential but it is as vague and intangible as the air itself. I can not grasp a handful of the wind and put it in my chest.

Looking at the reports surrounding the pneumonia stuff, I really hope that this damn business starts to clear up. Otherwise, I might have a real problem on my hands. I am frustrated and tired. I can't sleep well. I can't breathe well. I am having difficulty coughing up the gunk in my chest because I can't breathe well. I don't know what the medical solution is but around the end of next month I get another chest x-ray and find out if my general practitioner sees that nothing's changed. 

If there is scarring in my lungs I don't have any idea where it could have come from. I was born a preemie and I had breathing difficulties when I was itty-bitty. I had asthma but my lovely parents couldn't be bothered to make sure it got treated and regularly had me doing things that triggered what I now know to be asthma attacks. Bonus points here, because they smoked like chimneys and the white walls of their house were a tacky yellow by the time I was old enough to tell colors. 

Yes, I argued with my parents that the walls were not white like the paper in my books. That went over like a lead balloon. It wasn't too long after that I was getting exposed to asthma triggers and being left gasping for breath as my parents told me to toughen up as I hurt while breathing.

The sleep thing is awful. I have nightmares every night of something horrible. Either it's a flashback thrown into a blender with Salvadore Dali's art style or classic staircase wit where I have screaming arguments with my parents for accusing me of being a drug addict. They started that at ten. I didn't have access to drugs. We lived in the middle of nowhere and the closest thing to a drug dealer in our neighborhood was dairy cows. Because we all know the intoxicating effects of whole milk, right? 

This is not going as planned.

 My chest x-ray showed haziness in my left lower lung. This is no difference from the last one, except for the region is a bit bigger now. I woke up this morning with cold symptoms and a very sore throat. So, at my appointment to discuss the x-ray, my doctor and I agreed that a covid test to rule it out as a complication was a wise decision. If I have covid again, I am going to be highly irritated. Last time, I was 3 weeks flat on my back, coughing and hacking. I did ask if the haziness the x-ray showed could possibly be scarring in my lungs. The doctor shrugged and said it was possible but given my other symptoms, pneumonia was more likely.

For all these people saying the covid tests administered by doctor offices are awful, it wasn't a terrible experience for me. Irritating, yes, but nothing like when I had my sinuses scoped about twenty years ago. For one thing, it was a lot faster. Secondly, the doctor wasn't wiggling the thing around in my nose. On the whole, the 'real' covid test wasn't any worse than the at home one. Heck, it was kinda easier because I didn't have to do anything but sit there and don't sneeze.

I have my diabetes follow up appointment with the doctor in a month. He wants me to get another chest x-ray a few days before hand to see if the antibiotics that have been prescribed this time will clear up that haziness in the last two exams. I hope it will. This whole time, I've been tired and feeling like garbage with my chest aching a lot. 

When they weighed me at the beginning of the visit, I saw that I gained about three pounds. Now, I know the weather's getting colder but I wasn't wearing my boots and heavy weather gear. This has been stress eating due to a number of things going on right now. I'm trying to stop doing it but it's proving really hard. I'm trying to get back to food logging and that is really hard. Which is stupid because all it is, really, is writing down a quick note when I eat. But between the stress eating and the food logging stuff, I am finding myself struggling with the urge to cut down how much I eat in a big way.

I don't really know how to describe my relationship with food beyond saying it's very complicated and hurtful. Between the diabetes and my history of anorexia (instilled in me by my insane mom who insisted whenever she caught me eating as a child that I was eating too much and my brothers were going to starve because of me, I was 5 when I started skipping meals) my emotional response is mixed. I love to cook for people. But that's been dialed way back by anxiety that I can't eat what is 'normal' food. It's a mess, folks.

I've got the next month to try to get my eating habits back to what they were last summer and lose those three pounds. Three pounds doesn't sound like a big deal, but it kinda is because when my weight goes up so does my A1C numbers. I am scared right now. I hate being sick and I hate how it reminds me of being sick as a kid where things were ugly. 

I now have a working computer, huzzah!

 Around the time of my last post (no joke), my computer died. I went to my old Win 8 box and discovered it was well and truly dead. And filled with  moth larvae corpses. It wasn't pretty. So, I looked around and found a place that fixes computers and pretty much all tech equipment. (They also have a good sense of humor.) 

Approximately the same time as I got my computers into the tech shop, I got aspirational pneumonia. I have been having sleep problems for over a year now. I woke up one night choking on phlegm, acid reflux, and saliva. To say the least it was unpleasant. I coughed and hacked for an hour. Somewhere in that time period, I inhaled the mixture. Next day, I called the doctor at one of the other offices for the family practice we go to because it was the day that the office of our doctor was closed. I spoked with the doctor at the other office and explained the situation. They put me on an antibiotic and told me to get a chest x-ray. 

This x-ray showed a couple of spots of pneumonia in my chest on the lower left lobe of my lungs. I was put on a stronger antibiotic and told to follow up with my primary care doctor. So, I go and do that. And the unexpected happens. 

He asks me if I have a fever and goes to check me with a temporal thermometer. I answer that I don't and my normal body temperature is 96.8, roughly two degrees lower than normal. Well, the doctor was shocked when I said that. He said that everyone's core temperature is 98.6 in a most offended tone and insisted that my thermometer is calibrated wrong. I was so surprised by his response that I didn't say that every thermometer ever used on me read that when I was healthy since I was a small child and that I believed the lack of subcutaneous fat (that's the one that insulates your body just under your skin) was the reason why. Normally, our interactions are much calmer and generally genial and pleasant, no matter how rotten I feel.

Still, after this moment of awkwardness, we got back on topic and he prescribed a stronger antibiotic and told me to get a second x-ray in two weeks. That was last Saturday and the results are not in the computer system yet for me to view. I am hopeful that Dr. E. has them and can tell me if the pneumonia is getting better or worse. I feel awful. Initially, I didn't feel that bad. Now I am at the point where my left side hurts. All through this I had no urge to cough (which I suspect is a very bad thing) and my peak flow meter for my lungs is in the middle of my yellow range, tending lower as time goes on. I hate albuterol but I use it when I feel wheezy and like I can't breathe.

I got my computers back last week. The old Win 8 machine is now a Win 10 box because there was no way to salvage it and I was lucky that it still worked. I don't entirely know what I'm going to do with two computers. I'm considering dedicating the older computer to just messing around and doing stuff like playing games. This one, however, I am going to focus on using it for work like stuff. Fortunately, I backed everything up on these machines before they went kaput on me.

On the health front, I'm still dealing with pneumonia. I have a follow up appointment with Dr. E. tomorrow to talk about the chest x-ray. Last week, I did a sleep study and I'll be talking to Dr. M. about the results in a month. Apparently that was the earliest that they could book me to see the sleep doctor. There are other doctors on his team that he has me booked to see, like a sleep psychologist to discuss my nightmare problem. And I still have to get my blood work done to see how I am doing with my diabetes. So, I am a little nervous about my health. My last test had an A1C of 7.5 which isn't gods awful but it's not good. It was a steep jump from where I was at before (6.1). 

I'm trying to control my eating habits but it's really hard. I've also been somewhat depressed about things for various reasons and self soothing by way of food. Sounds weird that a former anorexic will do that, but there you go. I have been getting a little more exercise and then I got the damn pneumonia which makes doing more than crossing the room at a brisk stride tiring. As this wears on, I just feel worse and have no urge to cough. It's scary.