Monday Menu

 We're in the home stretch of summer break. Breakfasts have been pretty regularly things like mini-muffins, fruit, and donuts. Lunches have been their favorite sandwiches and chips. As such the menu just features dinner items this week. My breakfasts remain the boring low carb yogurt with low carb granola. Lunch is either a salad or a peanut butter wrap on a diet flat bread with a bit of fruit to round out my carb load. 

At some point, I'll get the schedule tweaked so that I actually can get back into batch making food that is more diabetic friendly. It's been hard to do that with everything that goes on over the weekend. Fridays don't seem to work for that, which has me leaning towards doing it Monday mornings after I send the kids off to school. I can't believe that school is a little over a week away. We're pretty much all looking forward to it.

Here's the menu for this week.

Day	Menu Item
Sun	hot dogs & salad
Mon	Hamburgers
Tues	chicken fajitas
Wed	meatloaf
Thurs	meatball subs
Fri	pork chops w/ salad
Sat	take out

Social phobia sucks.

 I've gotten quiet again. I have stopped talking about things like my spirituality even with Beloved. I'm terrified of being judged. I know that he won't judge me. I know I can talk to him about anything. At the same time, this creeping terror gnaws at me and tells me that no one wants to hear what I have to say, not even the man I love the most.

Since the beginning of the pandemic in our region, I've functionally been housebound. I haven't gone grocery shopping in over a year. After I got the vaccine, I bought some clothes and struggled with this mishmash of feelings. I felt guilt over buying new clothes. I felt excitement about buying them and transitioning my wardrobe to something more authentically me. I felt gratitude that I was out of the house doing something 'normal' for the first time in a long time. And I felt creeping terror that the vaccine wasn't enough and I was still going to catch Covid-19 and die.

My anxiety keeps ramping up and when it does that it gets harder to be social. I find myself reliving the emotional trauma of the bullying I endured in school as a kid. (Including and not limited to people trying to light me on fire and spreading rumors that I was a whore so extensively that I had students from the local college ask me at 16 what the cost of a blow job was in public. It was awful.) I find myself reliving the emotional trauma of how my parents raised me and the scorn that they heaped upon me when I was in a depressive episode. I find myself reliving the mockery they made of my desire to become a professional author.

All of that together, I find I just scroll through social media platforms and struggle to reach out and even post stupid memes. I just lurk and feel left out. I know that no one is excluding me. I just have to post something, even if it's a few words. At the same time, I can't bear the thought of being utterly ridiculed and harassed. I've carefully curated my social media accounts to keep people who are kind in them and yet I am terrified that they'll prove as bad as the harpies that I had to deal with as a kid.

I don't know what to say. I feel lost and afraid. And I hurt very deeply. I should probably be working on this stuff with a therapist but none of the therapists in my area take my health insurance. And I'll be damned if I go back to the county mental health clinic for any reason. They made my life a thousand times worse with their bungling, ham handed, ill spirited bullshit. I'll not go back there even if I was paid to do it. So, I just write in my notebooks and feel awful. I'm going to try to be social, but it is very hard. And I feel like I am somehow defective because I can't bring myself to do it when it comes so easily to virtually everyone else.

Monday Menu

 The kids are officially on break until the 7th of September, when school starts again. Breakfasts have been things like muffins, french toast sticks, and fruit this past week. I presume the same for this week. Lunches have been their favorite sandwiches and chips. I've been having bagged salads and peanut butter wraps for lunches because I haven't had time to do batch cooking of better meals for myself. Breakfast has been yogurt with granola and an occasional bit of fruit when my blood sugar isn't too high in the morning. So, the menu is just dinners right now.

Day	Menu Item
Sun	pizza
Mon	Hamburgers
Tues	Tacos
Wed	raspberry chicken w/ quinoa
Thurs	pork chops w/ salad
Fri	chicken stir-fry w/ 'rice'
Sat	pasta w/ meatballs

Not really sure how to title this.

 There's a lot going on right now. I'm not sure if I have enough spoons to do everything. As a result, I'm not blogging across any of my platforms right now. I'm barely keeping up with my daily journal work. Actually, I'm not doing too great at that, to be honest.

My brother-in-law is in the hospital. He had a kidney transplant recently. He started out looking ok and then everything went sideways. My sister-in-law is just this side of having kittens because she doesn't know what to do. Beloved is doing his best to be supportive and the voice of reason. Things were looking really grim for a little while. Now, my brother-in-law is doing a bit better but his cognitive state isn't the best. The going theory is his problem is sleep deprivation. He's at the best hospital in the area and getting the best care that can be given. It's still a very stressful thing for the family.

The kids are not aware of the ongoing matter. They've been a handful all on their own since summer school ended two weeks ago. That ended on a contentious note due to a massive communication failure, which got resolved (?) the day before school finished. The kids got their first shot for the Covid-19 vaccine at the beginning of the month. Next week is when they get their next shot. Amazingly, my needle phobic boys didn't freak out. One of them actually high-fived the pharmacist who gave him the shot. I'm hoping that the second round goes just as well.

Cuddle Bear is currently doing talk therapy once a week to develop some behavior interventions for his tendency to perseverate on his imaginary world to the exclusion of things he needs to do. We got started on this path because of a teacher thinking he was suffering from psychosis. This lead to a full psychological evaluation back in April (I think, time's a blur). The result was the psychologist said that he is showing classic autistic behaviors and that he is perseverating on his imagination. The experts have consistently said this through out the entire business. We've made a point of keeping all of his care team in the loop and making sure that the school shares information with them. 

But, at the time of the teacher's panic, I called the autism center and got set up with their behavioral intervention program. I then forgot all about that until the behavior intervention program people called me to apologize for the wait and schedule his assessment. That was at the beginning of the month. We've hit the point now that the child psychologist that we're working with has developed a treatment plan and we're getting ready to implement it.

Less damn fights about what's real and what's not would be fantastic. Less fantastic stories about how his imaginary friends are causing trouble would be helpful too when the situation is that he is actually the one up to mischief. I don't want to snuff out his imagination and I don't have a problem with imaginary friends. But he has to learn when and where to let his imagination to run wild. I am hoping that the treatment plan is going to work and he learns what we've been desperately trying to teach him on our own - discretion in his imaginary play and better focus on reality.

If we're lucky, some of the skills and interventions that we learn from this process will be helpful with Snuggle Bug, who is beginning to demonstrate some of the same perseveration behaviors (obviously on different topics). I just want my kids to be able to navigate the world with some measure of success, I don't really care about their approach because everyone does it differently regardless of how neurotypical they are. The perseveration, unfortunately, is turning into a hinderance and I don't want them to struggle because of it.

I'm just still kinda burned on how we got started on this path. The teacher who thought that Cuddle Bear was psychotic is going to be Snuggle Bug's teacher next year. I'm rather dreading it. Because I have a bad feeling that she's going to find something else to complain/fuss over. Beloved and I are fairly sure her education in Autism is lacking. But, I know what I'm going to do if we go down that road again because of Snuggle Bug's fascination with robots and his occasional insistence that he is one. 

It's been a rough couple of months.

Monday Menu

 This is the kids' last week of summer school. As such, this is going to be the last week of the summer where the menu is only dinners. The boys have taken to refusing what the school's offered for lunches over the course of the last week and been eating their favorite sandwiches for lunch at home. I don't know if the trend is going to continue this week or not. But I'm going to be prepared and make sure I have plenty of bologna, raspberry jelly, and bread on hand. We have enough peanut butter on hand to kill a horse, and that's before you count the dried stuff I picked up to try doing some recipes with.

My breakfasts are still just yogurt and granola. I'm getting bored of it, but I haven't had the time or energy to batch cook on the weekends right now. I'm sure I'll figure something out that's different. Probably refrigerator overnight oats if Beloved can find me some relatively low carb fruit to put in it. But, it's all a juggling game because we've had fruit go bad before we can use it when it's been picked up recently. I'm seriously considering going with frozen fruit, even though the sugar content for a number of the selection is higher. The menu is below.

Day	Menu Item
Sun	hot dogs & salad
Mon	Hamburgers
Tues	Tacos
Wed	grilled cheese & gazpacho
Thurs	pulled pork & broccoli slaw
Fri	raspberry chicken w/ quinoa
Sat	Take Out

See, I haven't completely forsaken colors!

 I stole Beloved's old t-shirt from college and I've been wearing it off and on for years. It's the one I've got on today. It's a black and denim day because laundry day is tomorrow and what I have left that is straight up black isn't fitting for the weather. I'm happier than I have been in a while since I've changed my clothing style to a more goth themed one. I'm still figuring out how to make it work.

I have a love of wearing collars. Partly because of kink and partly because I really like how it looks. I am still throwing in pops of color to break up the black on black look. I'm doing the goth thing on my terms. It's made for some interesting reactions from people around town.

The ladies at the post office think it's fantastic that I am going with a clothing style I've always wanted to do since I was a teen. They've given me some suggestions and have asked me about what accessories I am going to pick up next. It's been fun stopping over there.

The rando sales person who stopped at the door got uncomfortable. Part of it, I know, was the collar and the fact that I'm not some 20 year old thing bebopping around trying to impress people with how edgy I am. Part of it was the fact that I made very clear that I wasn't a push over, which some people would think because of the collar. I got a subtle 'y'all need Jesus' out of one of the guys and they haven't been back since, despite my making an appointment to discuss what they were offering. If they can't handle the fact that I'm 42 and wearing whatever the hell I want in my own home, they need to get a life.

I haven't worn the bdsm collars out to doctor appointments because the established relationship there would be a bit upended by the stylistic change. I see that they're getting used to the all black garment and the ribbon choker with the big glass heart on it. I figure give it a year and they'll be ok with it. Easing people into the concept that you're not as 'normal' as they assumed you were seems to be the process of getting them to accept that you're not going through a midlife crisis.

I've been contemplating picking up a third style of collar. I adore the two I have. I finally figured out how to clean the tarnish off of the steel on the one I'm wearing (cleaning vinegar and a soft cloth). The pink and black one is super comfy. I'm hoping to possibly locate one similar to something I saw on Etsy that had flowers on it. There was an absolutely gorgeous painted leather one with a bright pink wild briar rose design on it. It was also super expensive compared to some of the others I've been looking at. But, it has stainless steel hardware (which I need so I don't react to the metal) and it was really lovely.

I find myself thinking about using some of the money from Keen to buy it for myself. I know that is set aside for book promotion, but it's been at the back of my mind since I saw that thing a few months back when Beloved and I started looking into getting me a new collar because I was reacting to the one I'm wearing now. It was pure luck that I learned about the vinegar to clean up steel. 

I was super happy yesterday when I realized that those knee high sneakers that I had from when I was LARPing still fit. I had to adjust the lacing a bit, but I can wear them with my dresses and look nifty. I also found the fingerless gloves and with a bit of adjustment, I think I can make them work. So, the question now is what style of goth am I going for. I do kinda want a spikey collar for fun but I think my kids would put out an eye when they came running at me for a hug. That was the whole reason why we didn't get one. Because there were some really cool looking ones.

I'm also thinking about dying my hair. Well, to be more precise, I'm thinking about bleaching my hair out and then dying it some unnatural color. It's not very long yet. I haven't decided how long I want to get my hair. I already of white streaks showing up. I thought it was grey and my hair was thinning until I got a close look in the mirror and realized that it was white. Stress, it's a hell of a drug. But, if my hair is going white, I might just bleach it out to white and dye it some neon color and go with some interesting partial coverings. Or, I might go with an ombre color so that my dark roots just need a touch up as my hair gets longer. I haven't decided yet. 

The hair business is going to have to wait for when the kids are in school and I have more than a few hours free to sit and do so anyways. I last tried royal blue. It didn't take very well because of how dark my hair was a few years ago. I might try a royal blue ombre starting at the top of my head and going to the tips with a cotton candy blue. Then again, I may go with red fading down to neon pink. It's hard to decide.

Building planners for the boys for school

 The kids are starting to think about when the school year begins. So have I. As the modified bullet journal system has been working really well to help me manage my executive dysfunction due to my disability, I thought that it would help the kids. I let them decorate the covers with all the stickers they wanted. Snuggle Bug went with almost a full page of Transformers stickers.

I set it up so that the 'calendar' has their week at a glance. The first day of the first week is highlighted because it is a day off from school. It's part of the same way that I code days off from school on the wall calendar and in my own planner. I used the bullet journal notation for an event 'O' to mark that it was Labor day. The second day of the week also has that 'O' mark with a note stating it is the first day of school.

On the extreme right hand side of the daily section, I note the calendar date and the letter for the school day. I've decided that I'm going to do something a little fun for the kids and put stickers in on the days they have off. I included at the beginning of each binder a copy of the bullet journal key.  On the first page of each section, I put a short note on a brightly colored post-it sticky note explaining how to use the section.  This is partly for the kids to use and partly to inform the teachers how it's set up.

And, if we go back to distance learning because of Covid-19, I've got that beginning of structure in place that meshes with what I've got going on so I can do a better job of supporting them and their academic needs.

There is one section that is not assigned yet. But this gives the teachers flexibility to assign something to that section. It it my hope that this will work better than the last planners that the school gave out which were much smaller and poorly organized. We're going to practice using the bullet journal system with notecards over the next few weeks where they have their tasks for the day written down and they mark them off according to the system. I bought some extra large notecards to make this a little easier.

Monday Menu

 I found the table generator webpage again. It made this a breeze. As the kids are still doing breakfast and lunch courtesy of summer school, the menu only features dinners right now. My lunches have predominantly been peanut butter wraps or salads. Breakfast has been yogurt with low carb granola. It's boring but easy and not too hot with the weather we've been having.

Day	Menu Item
Sun	hot dogs & salad
Mon	Hamburgers
Tues	Tacos
Wed	steak & peanut noodles
Thurs	meatball subs
Fri	raspberry chicken w/ quinoa
Sat	Take Out