Sunday, July 17, 2016

Why emotionally blackmail someone over stuff?

I confess, I have a few guilty pleasures in my blog reading. There is a mommy blogger who tends to have recipes that are usually pretty awesome and I find some humor in her chattering about life at large. While I do my best to avoid the mommy brigade, there are a few that I read because their writing style entertains me and I usually find them a point of light on a dark day. So, I was disappointed when I saw her triumphant post about how she finally managed to get her spouse to throw away his childhood baseball card collection after harassing him over it for 19 years.

I get that she wants her house to have as little waste as possible. I get that she wants to have as few nicknacks to clean up as possible. I even can appreciate the frustration of someone in your family collecting things that you don't understand the appeal for and get irritated upon the sight of them. All of these sentiments I can empathize with and appreciate. At some point in time, I have had them myself or been the object of this sort of feeling.

Those feelings don't give me free reign to pick at my spouse over the hobbies he has. They don't give me the right to tell him 'you're a grown up now, get rid of this childish stuff.' That is simply beyond the pale. I don't dictate who my husband is (aka how 'childish' or 'adult' he is) and I don't get to tell him that his hobbies are bad if they're not harming anyone or causing us problems in our ability to take care of our children, home, responsibilities, or marriage. A few binders full of cards is not a problem.

I'm sorry, but if you are going to take the position that the equivalent of a photo album is enough of a problem in your household that you have to harass your spouse about getting rid of them for an extended length of time, you've got a big problem and it isn't that photo album. Telling someone that they're immature or that they're childish because of what they enjoy is harmful to them. You are telling them that there is something WRONG with them because they're doing something that makes them happy and YOU are uncomfortable with it because it doesn't meet YOUR expectations of what and adult is supposed to be like. You are the problem here.

Because you don't get to tell your spouse WHO THEY ARE. Full stop. You are attempting to dictate elements of their personality and psyche on the basis of arbitrary bullshit and your level of discomfort with the way they fit into your arbitrary bullshit generator. If your uncomfortable with your spouse's hobby but it isn't doing you any harm beyond making you mildly uncomfortable with how you perceive their maturity level, you need to fix your issue. A pack of cards does not dictate the maturity level of the person possessing them. Additionally, a pack of cards does not dictate a damn thing about the state of your home other than the fact that you or someone in your home owns a pack of fucking cards.

The world is full of ugly, horrific things. If your spouse finds joy in little things and it is not causing problems in their ability to meet their responsibilities, provide emotional support, or otherwise be a partner in your relationship, then you need to suck it up and deal with the fact that they are going to find joy in things that are not going to appeal to you. You don't get to dictate what is 'grown up' and attempting to do so is going to cause emotional damage to your spouse and undermine their sense of self esteem.

I'll rephrase that into something a little more concise.

Your bullshit behavior over a pack of cards is emotional abuse. You are telling them that they're not good enough as who they are. You don't get to do that. You are not the gatekeeper of what is an acceptable adult. You are not the gatekeeper of who is an acceptable person.

The only person you get to make those kinds of decisions for are yourself.

And if you can't handle someone getting some happiness out of a pack of cards that has some warm, fuzzy emotional memories attached to them, then you need to acquire some emotional and psychological fortitude because this kind of crap is what dooms long term relationships.

So, yeah, after 19 years you managed to brow beat your husband into getting rid of his momentos from his happier childhood days. Good job. Next, are you going to start telling your kids to throw away their favorite belongings because you've decided they're too old to do what makes THEM happy too?

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Long day is Long.

This heat and humidity is making me miserable. I am tired because it is hard to sleep from it. I did a ton of laundry but I feel like I accomplished nothing. Which is perverse because I managed to keep the kids out of the really high heat, entertained, and engaged in educational activity with out spending a whole lot of money. (That's a hard thing to do it seems judging from what I see lots of other folks posting about their summer.)

I narrowly dodged the migraine that was threatening this afternoon. Beloved was awesome and he watched the kids while I took a cool shower. Between that, a dose of aleve, and a hefty amount of coffee, I just had a bad headache for a few hours. I wish it was that easy to avoid migraines other times. I didn't do any walking outside today really because it was so horribly hot. (My friends from the tropics, the desert, and pretty much anywhere else that has temperatures of 90+, I recognize I am a lightweight compared to y'all.)

My mood has been going back and forth between cranky and upset. I think part of the problem is just the physical discomfort of all this heat. I am pretty sure that I would also be a bit less upset with things if I wasn't premenstrual. I am still having some difficulty sleeping and not having intrusive thoughts pertaining to the murders that happened last week. It has brought up a mess of unresolved stuff pertaining to things like when my uncle was murdered as well.

It's just been rough.

Saturday, July 09, 2016

Did some crafting.

Today was tiring. I went out to my sister in law's bridal shower. It was ok. I had a nice time cuddling a little baby and chatting with two other young mothers. I was pleased to see that my present was well received. It was a bride's emergency kit with pretty much everything needed in case of a wardrobe malfunction. I also gave her a fancy white lace parasol. And a sampler.

I have spent my evening looking at mindless things on the internet. I did a little playing around with jewelry supplies and made the necklace I'm holding above. It is a gold filigree cage holding two pearls and a raw bit of garnet on a gold chain. I'm hoping that I won't have problems with having a bad reaction to the necklace or the pendant. It is gold plated onto copper. I have some issues with plated metals.

The sampler above was the highlight, in my opinion. For some reason, everyone was surprised by the lace parasol that I found for her. (The pic was from when I finished the thing.) It was really quick to work up. I am presently working on another embroidered item. I have a little surprise that I'm making for my mother-in-law. Because the mother of the bride should have something special as well.

Thursday, July 07, 2016

As Seen on Facebook

ok i am going to make some people angry. i will be honest, i don't give a damn if it does right now either.
people should not be gunned down by law enforcement if they are not actively shooting or putting people in a state where their life and limb are in danger. stuff can be replaced, so property damage is something i give functionally no fucks about in this case. why? because you can not replace a person. when someone is dead, they're a corpse.
i know there are people who are pro-law enforcement. that's cool. law enforcement serves an important role in our society and, when functioning properly helps everyone. there are a lot of good cops out there who, i suspect, are mad as hell about the stuff that the bad cops do. i'm pretty sure that there are people who would be happy to take the ones who make the rest of them look bad out behind the woodshed for a long conversation via morse code and a bit of applied force.
my problem is not with the good cops. my problem is with the society that says that this crap of people dying in police custody is acceptable. my problem is with the society that says if you have any sort of arrest record, you deserve brutality because you must clearly be guilty and deserve all forms of systemic oppression because you were arrested at one point for something. my problem is with the society that says that if you were, gods forbid, ever imprisoned for something that you are worth less than everyone else because you must continue to pay for your crimes long after the courts say you're done. my problem is with the society that turns a blind eye to systemic oppression for minorities and are quick to label the people who are not of the 'chosen' socioeconomic and cultural markers as deserving of essentially all forms of abuse that can be heaped on them by people who are from that chosen group and their agents (including but not limited to governmental agencies that are treated as serving said chosen group).
i have an enormous problem with the fact that people in this country have forgotten about habeus corpus. i have an enormous problem with the fact that people in this country have forgotten about the presumption of innocent until proven guilty. just because you have a gun, you are not judge and jury. and you are sure as hell not executioner. the sheer number of times that these rogue elements within the agencies that are charged with keeping law and order get away with gross violations of the rights of the people they are supposed to be serving is repulsive.
the people who are saying 'stop killing us' and 'our lives matter' are not doing it to make your life inconvenient. they're not doing it to be dramatic. and they're sure as hell not doing it for funsies. they're doing it because their blood is in the streets and it has been shed by the people who are supposed to be protecting them. when law enforcement edges towards failing to not only obey the laws set upon them by their own nation but the rules of war, there is a big fucking problem.
last i checked, the rules of war said you don't get to murder people you have taken into custody. (take a second and review article 3. then ask yourself, just how well have people been doing on following that bit of late? ) maybe i am a wild person with mad ideas. i know there are people who manage NOT to act in this sort of horrific fashion. maybe we should do something about these motherfuckers who are failing to recognize the most basic of human rights as covered here.
anyone who seems to think that the arrest history of the dead justifies their killing, drop me off your friends list. anyone who seems to think that the color or socioeconomic status of the dead justifies their killing, drop me off your friends list. anyone who seems to think that we should accept these people in positions of power failing to uphold the FUCKING GENEVA CONVENTION with respect to MOTHERFUCKING CIVILIANS, drop me off your friends list and go fuck yourself with a sideways cactus.

Tuesday, July 05, 2016


I don't know why, but there has been an increase in the number of flies around today. I'm not sure what is going on with that. I am a bit annoyed with them, but what can you do?

I feel badly that I have done no writing today. I am feeling upset with myself on several levels. I think that the predominant problem today was the fact that I forgot my morning medications in the rush to get Beloved off to work and then get to my appointment. I then spent the rest of the day toodling around town getting things done with the boys in tow. It was a very warm day today and the heat had me a bit crabby as well.

Moodwise, I am on the lower end of normal-ish. My psych provider commented on how I am doing so much better than I was a few months ago. I suppose that is a good thing. I have been out and about. I have been doing things and being somewhat social. I presume this would indicate that I am making progress in a healthier direction. If nothing else, all the walks to the park (which averages 2 per day and a total distance of a mile) must be doing me some good. This heat has had me less than thrilled about eating much, thus my appetite has been a bit lower. Not dangerously so, though.

I'd post a picture but I feel unpresentable. My hair is somewhat mussed from driving around with car windows down. I look as overheated as I feel. It just is not something I feel looks any good. I have been having low body confidence for a few days now. Realizing that there is a fair amount of grey in my locks has me feeling upset (which is funny because as a child I desperately wanted to have grey hair like my great grandmother). I feel like I look old and shabby.

I'm trying hard to remember that many feel that my grey hair makes me look dignified. I honestly can't say I feel that way today. And I can't manage to shake the bodyshaming nonsense about how I should magically reacquire my pre-pregnancy body after I have birthed my children. It is a little thing that keeps worrying at the back of my mind. I am not having much progress in getting that out of my head. Which has me saddened and frustrated.

Monday, July 04, 2016

It's the 4th of July. Meh.

The last several days have been busy. I am honestly looking forward to when summer school starts. I have been just worn out by the business of keeping up with the kids and all the stuff that goes into keeping them out of mischief over the last week and a half. I haven't a photo to share today. I honestly don't feel particularly photogenic right now.

I am behind on my writing work. I don't want to place unreasonable demands on myself but I want to have this manuscript off to the publishers in short order. I feel a great deal of pressure to do a ton of things right now and like I haven't the means to accomplish pretty much anything. I am also feeling somewhat burned out. This is not much fun. I will, however, persevere and do my best.

Aside from that, I'm so tired of the jingoism that is running rampant right now. I once felt that sort of thing. And then I realized just how much people are getting screwed over in this nation. Now I am jaded and tend to view that sort of thing as a level of immaturity. I am also sick of the bubbly 'happy 4th of July!' that I have encountered everywhere.

How can it be a happy day when we have people dying for bullshit reasons in and in the name of this country? How can it be a happy day when people are disenfranchised at functionally all levels of government and social strata? It is hard for me to have warm fuzzies about it all when there is so much that is wrong.

Also, unrelated to anything, I'm fed up with these wee tiny bugs flitting about the apartment after the sun goes down. And I feel mildly depressed with how grey my hair looks and the fact that I look all of my 37 years. I think that I have over exerted myself a bit on several levels and it is catching up with me.

And I feel like I can't go and sleep because there is so much that must be done.