Saturday, August 16, 2008

Ah, the wisdom of children.

I'm sitting here with my son asleep on my lap (in his sling) saying that I'm thankful he's unconscious rather then screaming in my ear. (Teething is so much worse then it's presented as. Don't let *anybody* fool you!) So, I decided to sit here and read the news on CNN's website. At which point I saw this iReport article about a father taking his kids' XBox and nailing it to a tree because he was sick of their constant fighting and general bad behavior with this toy.

Reading the comments yeilded much hilarity. I think it was the comments from intamesalvag that did it for me. I have to say, it's really priceless how teens can claim that they know more about parenting children then the parents do. As a kid, I got ticked off when my parents got on my case for my attempt to make what I thought were intelligent comments in the conversation. Looking back on it now, I realize that my comments were intelligent but woefully lacking, to the extent where they had to be disregarded. What my comments as a kid lacked was a combination of a full comprehension of the situation and the type of knowledge that comes with experience.

I think I'm not going to necessarially snap at my child when he gets to the age where he thinks he can give adequate input on topics such as disciplining a child. I believe that I'm probably going to ask him to leave the conversation and then come back to him later and explain what his ideas were missing. I know that I hated the experience of being chastised and dismissed by my parents when I tried to get involved in the more 'grown up' discussions. I don't want my son to feel that he's being castigated. I think, however, that using the situation as an opportunity to teach him would be a good idea.

Sometimes, kids do have really great and innovative ideas that can lead to some interesting solutions to problems. They also need to learn how to navigate the territories of adulthood at *some* point in time. There's alot of stuff that can be learned in the safety of the home, where there is the support structure of family, and the greatest risks are generally to one's pride. Perhaps this is one of those things that can be brought up, explored, and taught to some extent before the child is out on their own in the world.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

i'm not happy.

right now, i feel out of the loop. i want to be involved in stuff going on in the game i'm a part of but i can't really because i now have a two and a half month gap. i can't seem to get the stuff for another game i want to be a part of figured out.

and i feel like i maybe should scrap stuff and start over again on all of that. i don't know. i feel so horribly disappointed because it seems like i'm always trying to get things taken care of, cleaned up, or something else done around here. sure, i've got small projects that i can throw a little time at but i feel guilty for it because so much else needs done.

i don't know what to do.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

forgotten fun from the interwebz

here's something i forgot about. go ahead, click it. ;)

Sunday, August 03, 2008

I don't know what to do... (pt.2)

So, I suppose I should probably take a moment to state directly just what the hell is going on right now. Please bear with me as I engage in this rather rambling recap, I'm dealing with alot of emotions here and I'm half distracted by keeping an eye on my son as he is eating his breakfast.

About six years ago, my youngest brother got married. It was a small, quick wedding. I was the only person from my side of the family that got invited. I essentially guilted him into telling my parents about it, mind I had never even met the girl. No one in the family had met her. It made things tense between him and my parents for a little while. He told her some fairly terrible stories about my family, which really didn't help things much. Some of these stories were true and others he were exaggerated or out right lied about. Myself being one of the people he lied about to his new bride for a while before she and I met.

I kinda wonder if my insisting that he let our parents (at least) know that he was getting married (which he did the night before the wedding) is part of the reason why there's problems between him and I. I honestly don't know because there's been a strange gulf between him and I for years now. So, he joins the military. His wife has a tough time of it at first, but it's pretty clear that it's due to some communication problems. This, however, becomes even more of a problem as time goes on. He gets back on leave and he spends his time at my parent's house rather then at his in-laws house, where his wife and children are living. She's rather obviously hurt by this blatent rejection by her husband. It's not pretty.

She tries to forgive him this but he then does things like call our mom rather then his wife when he's got time to make phone calls while he's on his tour. Financially, it's a mess too. He just wants to spend 'his' money like he wants, no real regard for things like buying diapers for the kids back home. It reduces his wife to essentially begging family (hers and ours) for finaicial support for herself and the kids. This sets the tone for the rest of the relationship up to today's point in time.
And, yes, that includes the year and a half he was out of the military. During that time, he spent money willinilli and lived in our parent's house rather then with his wife and children at his in-laws or getting them an apartment or a house of their own.

So, he joins the Army Reserves. Mom goes into a coniption fit and immediately starts to panic that her baby is going to die on some foregin battlefield somewhere. We've been all doing our best to ignore this ongoing fit, as the rest of us accepted it was part of the risk for a while now. Mom's still having difficulty with it and is on the verge of yet more of a fit over his serious talk of joining the Army full-time. It appears fairly clear to my husband and I that my brother is doing this to avoid being an active part of the life of his wife and children.


I can't do this. I can't just describe this. My words don't do justice to the magnitude of injury that has been done emotionally to my brother's wife. I can't find enough to say for how confused my brother is...

My brother has created a horrible mess. His wife feels that he doesn't trust her. She's convinced that he wants a divorce but won't do it because:
  1. It's too much effort.
  2. He doesn't want to spend the money which can go twords his drinking, video games, or collection of anime.
  3. He doesn't want to have money taken from him to pay alimony.
My parents are insisting that I'm looking at the situation like there's too much blame on my brother. I don't think they see how my brother's wife and children are living right now. I don't think they realize that my brother's eldest daughter keeps trying to run away because she believes that the whole family hates her and blames her for her father being gone.


It's just... It's just ugly. And in all of it, I feel like my heart is getting torn to peices. I love these people, I don't want to let the go out of my life. In their own strange ways, I know that they love me. If they didn't my brothers wouldn't have shown up when I had that appendictomy back when I was pregnant with my son. My youngest brother wouldn't have driven up from the base where he was stationed for a day and a half with out sleep to try to get to my wedding.

They seem so damn intent on hurting each other and destroying their lives, however, that it's just ... it's breaking my heart and leaving me with the terrible feeling that I'm going to have no choice but to let them go. Though none of them area aware of how I feel about this situation or anything else. It's... It's hurting like hell for me and I'm realizing just how much emotional baggage I have surrounding my family... I don't know what to do because I can talk to them and hope they will listen to me or expect them not to listen and let them go.

I don't know what to do... (pt.1)

I had a nightmare last night that woke me up feeling like I got punched in the gut. I honestly expected to be crying when I woke up this morning. I honestly don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I sit here and look at the situation and my heart is just breaking all to pieces. In the meantime, I feel that I should keep a smile on my face and act like I'm mystified by the entire mess going on in my side of the family.

My brother who is serving in the Army in Afghanistan joined the Army Reserve because he was having a tough time adjusting back to civilian life after he finished his tour with the Marines about two years ago. A year and a half after he was done being a Marine he signed up for the Army Reserves. He's talking about re-enlisting, this time in the Army. This fact by itself is kinda tragic and says something about the way we're treating our military service members when they get home at the end of their tour of duty.

I can't help it. I worry about him everyday. I try to live my life like everything is ok, but there's the fear that my youngest brother won't come home. He's half done with his deployment, if they don't extend it. I don't believe that he's going to come home on time because looking at the situation, I genuinely expect his outfit's deployment to be extended. I have his address via the military, I don't know if I should write him or not though. There's alot of stuff going on here around my brother that I'm hurt, angry, and deeply disappointed with him over. At the same time, he is my youngest brother and I love him deeply. It hurts and it... It has me feeling incredibly conflicted right now.

And then there is all of the other crap going on which just... I'm at a loss for words. It's the proverbial shitstorm that has resulted from my brother being an idiot. And I think that it's going to just break my side of the family apart. It's something that is painful as hell for me to think about. As I sit here writing, I look over at my son and see him playing with his piece of zweibeck toast. I ask myself, what is the right thing to do by him? I can't keep doing this on the basis of how I *feel* about the situation.

My heart, however, keeps making it's pain known as this proceeds. So, I do need to act with consideration to these emotions and how I view all of this mess. The really stupid thing is I am questioning what on earth I did wrong to cause this. Never mind the fact that the moral accountability test of the situation shows clearly that I have no form of responsibility here beyond my immediate response to the situation. It's root and origin lies in other people's decisions and actions.