Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Long day but progress, maybe?

I don't feel up to a pic right now. Today was a long day. I spent a significant portion of my day trying to keep the kids entertained as I struggled to gather my wits. I did not sleep well last night. I kept having dreams of my computer crashing, my back up copies of my books being corrupted, and all of my notes getting destroyed. I think watching that video about how long storage stuff is supposed to last got to me. Add to this how I have been struggling to do much writing at all and it made for a bad night.

I have piles of papers everywhere. I have no less than three knitting projects going on right now. I have two spinning projects that are frustrating me to the point where I am contemplating burning the fiber so I don't have to look at it. My home is a bit of a mess at the moment. I know some of this is a natural function of the kids being on break. Some of this is also due to the fact that I spend more time trying to keep the kids out of fights and engaged in activities than I do on cleaning right now. I feel guilty about it. I have this little voice at the back of my head telling me that I should have a clean house right now, dinner on the table every night, and all of the clean laundry put away. (We're living out of laundry bags right now.)

I think I may be heading towards a downward shift in mood. I'm not sure. I feel over extended and like there is no hope of relief ahead of me. I don't know what my problem is right now. Once, I handled this stuff better. Why am I such a ball of anxiety now? Is this really the bipolar?

Monday, June 20, 2016

Yay, it's the Solstice!

I'm a bit overheated right now. It is 80+ in the apartment right now. It has been a good day. Beloved took the day off to spend some time with me while the kids were at school. I am a bit tired, as can probably be seen in the pic. I hope that I will sleep better than I did last night. The heat and humidity made it difficult to fall asleep last night. Still, I can say with full confidence that I had a great day today. There were some minor irritations but it didn't detract from the joy that I had in some alone time with Beloved or my amusement with the kids trying to direct traffic for the tow truck that was helping the folks across the way with their car. (It looked like the tie-rod went and the entire passenger side front steering assembly just fell off of their vehicle as they were attempting to turn into their drive way. Fortunately, no one was harmed and there was no other damage.) I also got a chuckle out of Beloved talking at a squirrel that just played creeper in the tree and stared at us for about a half hour.

All in all, today was a good day. And I have made good progress on yule gifts as well.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Father's Day = typical Sunday

Beloved does not like it when people make a big fuss over him. He utterly loathes it. Thus, his day today was like pretty much any other Sunday. The exception was that the boys had art for him from school and he got stuff for his birding hobby. (So far, it seems that the acrylic baffle is working really well to keep the squirrels out of the big feeder.) My day today was like most other Sundays as well.

I didn't do laundry today. Beloved and I agreed that the laundromat was most likely going to be insanely hot and probably would trigger a migraine. Mood wise, I am in my 'normal' range. I am a bit grumpy but that is because between my hormones not deciding how they were going to effect my mood today and generally being overly warm, I am not feeling comfortable right now. It didn't help matters much that I somehow managed to skin my right elbow on something. I have no idea what.

I'm just that much of a klutz. Tomorrow is going to be a fairly busy day. The boys have school until Wednesday. In between now and then, I want to get the edits that I finally finished writing down in the text of book 2 (which I am beginning to suspect didn't upload the correct version of the document when I sent it to the printer a few weeks ago) done on the manuscript. I also have a long list of files that I really need to copy and back up for safe keeping.

Beloved has tomorrow off from work. We may go out and have lunch, I don't know. I know, however, that tomorrow morning after I put the kids on the bus to school, I will need to run over to the laundromat to wash a few things. I'm trying to decide if I can afford it and what color I am going to go with, but over the last two weeks, I have gone from 'nope, not going to dye my hair some funky color' to 'you know, I'm 37. I should live a little.' Beloved has been amused with this gradual transition in attitude on the matter.

Friday, June 17, 2016


Feeling less anxious and depressed today. I spent my day pretty much doing household stuff. I have the kitchen mostly clean now. I will most likely finish up that bit of work tomorrow. I was going to go out to spinning guild tomorrow but plans changed. I don't remember how to get to where the guild is meeting (somewhere aside from the usual location in Victor) so I will be home. If the weather is nice, I will take the kids to the park. I have finished the first of many Yule gifts. I have now started work on a scarf. I'm actually knitting two at the same time. One is in varigated yarn, so it is just plain, basic knitting that I don't have to think about. The other is an illusion scarf with two colors. So, that one will require some attention and thought.

Thursday, June 16, 2016


End of a long day. Went to the dentist and had two fillings done. Had lunch with Beloved, which I honestly thought he was going to be too busy for. It was a really nice time. Then spent the rest of my day running around after the kids. I feel worn out. My eldest is still awake, staring at me as I sit on the couch and wait for him to go to sleep. My mood is tending towards just worn out and cranky right now. And I started my menses, sort of. Last month, I just spotted some and then there was nothing more. I don't know if this month is going to be the same. I would really appreciate it if my body made up its mind as to what the hell it was doing right now.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Long day is Long.

I suppose my big accomplishments today were folding laundry, watering plants, and keeping the kids from burninating the world. I'm tired and uncomfortable. My stomach hasn't been feeling too great today. I'm not entirely sure why.

A part of me says that this business of daily pics and a note of what the day was like is foolishness. But, the various blogs and sites out there say that if I keep a mood diary, it will make it easier to track my bipolar. Right now, I'm not a ball of anxiety. I am just... numb and cranky.

My thoughts on Orlando.

It is a very ... meaty post. I tried to give a little bit of a crash course in philosophy in my post. It is at best, the beginning of a discussion on what is happening and how to handle it. At worst, I will have managed to single handedly offend a laundry list of people through the use of my philosophy and religion minor's being applied in my writing.

Here's the link: Atrocity, Evil, and the Gods.

Monday, June 13, 2016

So tired, so worn out.

Today has been a typical, quiet Monday. I have been doing what I can to avoid the news about the atrocities that happened over the weekend. As a result, I have been pretty much off of the computer. I repotted my root bound miniature roses. I repotted my mint plants in the hopes of salvaging them after them being forgotten for about a week or so (as best I can tell). I also put the geranium cuttings in the ground. They have roots now and one is budding out blossoms. I put up the plastic fencing along the second flower bed out front.

I spent my afternoon editing. It was difficult because I am having a hard time focusing. I went to start work on dinner and discovered that I had veggies that had gone bad. So I threw them out. I think I am going to have to just clean out the whole fridge. I walked a bit today. I suppose it was about a quarter of a mile or so that I have gone.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Did stuff, now beer.

Just got home. Spent all day out helping out with some family stuff. I'm exhausted. My nerves are fried. Somewhere around 2:30, my last fuck flew away. I was polite and pleasant. I did this by being quiet and focusing on entertaining small children with my crochet. I have demonstrated that I am competent with a knife and good at making food look appealing on a plate. With a chef's knife and an ice cream scoop to work with, I managed to make an attractive centerpiece for the fruit plate and hollow out the honeydew melon to hold the melon pieces I had.

If I am in this position again, I will be bringing my melon baller. It would have been a lot easier than what I did this morning. Now, I have a lukewarm bottle of Not Your Father's Root Beer sitting nearby and I'm enjoying peace and quiet for the first time all day.

I am tired of adulting. Screw this shit. I'm drinking my beer and looking at stupid cat memes or something. My mood is low, my anxiety is high, and I want a distraction from feeling rotten and used. Scumbag brain can shut the fuck up anytime now.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Fuck Anxiety.

Me, right now. Super anxious, but medicated. (All hail the gods of pharmacology and praise their blessings. I have taken the sacrament of Ativan and it is good.)

Beloved says this is pretty clearly a mixed episode day. I've been somewhere between wanting to curl up in a ball somewhere and cry and wanting to punch a wall, throw things, and scream in rage. I hate my brain right now.