Mild depression vs I WILL DO THE THING!

I'm really glad that I've got this medication working for me on the depression front. I derped pretty hard last night and had banana bread as my bedtime snack. That made my blood sugar spike and I was all tired and stuff this morning from it. It didn't go super high, but enough that I had that "I ate too much, time to take a nap.' feeling after breakfast. I still shoveled the front steps (cardio, anyone?) and did about 20 minutes of walking while we were waiting for the bus.

I still have the seasonal affective disorder kicking me in the ass right now. It's going 'stay inside, hibernate, and give up on getting stuff done because it doesn't matter right now.' I have been replying, "Shut up, you annoying hack. I've got plans to make happen. I haven't got time for your ninny nonsense." I recognize this is not the kindest way to treat myself, but I am getting really annoyed with it and frustrated when it gets in my way.

If it were a cat, I'd put it in its own separate room for a while so I could get some work done, but that isn't exactly possible. So it weaves its way around my metaphorical feet trying to assassinate me. I didn't let it stop me from submitting to a magazine yesterday, however. Writer's Digest has a monthly competition. If you win, your story gets published in the next issue. I think you get a copy of it too. So, I submitted something untitled and now I wait to see what the reaction is. It wasn't my best work but it wasn't my worst either. It was a fictionalized account of something I've experienced.

I'm considering writing more about that experience. I'm going to make that decision when I get the feedback from Writer's Digest on my submission. If it doesn't make the cut, I may just sit down and type up the long form version of the story and submit it elsewhere. I know there are places looking for interesting slice of life narratives. I've got plenty of those.

Menu for the week of Jan. 28, 2019

Date	Breakfast	Lunch	Dinner
Sun	Donuts	sandwiches / leftovers	pizza
Mon	kids: Donuts me: oatmeal, coffee	Kids: school Hubby: leftovers & ramen Me: salad	hamburgers
Tues	kids: school me: oatmeal, turkey coffee	Kids: school Hubby: noodle bowl w/ meatballs Me: salad	tacos, mexican rice, salad
Wed	kids: school me: oatmeal, nuts, turkey & coffee	Kids: school Hubby: burrito bowl Me: leftovers	chicken paprikash w/ noodles (spaghetti squash)
Thurs	kids: school me: zucchini hash w/ eggs & toast & coffee	Kids: school Hubby: leftovers Me: leftovers	meatloaf w/ roasted potatoes salad
Fri	kids: school me: mason jar omlette & toast & coffee	Kids: school Hubby: sandwiches & chips Me: leftovers	teriyaki meatballs w/ cauliflower rice
Sat	eggs, bacon & fruit	leftovers / sandwiches	pot roast w/ salad & mashed cauliflower

Maybe it's not migraines.

For the last month now, I've been averaging around four migraine level headaches a week. I brought this up when I saw the doctor Friday who suggested that this could be my allergies acting up. I have started on a prescription nasal spray for allergies (fortunately it doesn't contraindicate with anything else I am on). I haven't had a bad headache today, but today is my second day on it. This stuff takes two weeks to start to really take effect.

I know that some of the headaches I had were definitely migraines because I had problems with visual halos around things and stuff before and after. The doctor suggested that if the allergy medication doesn't help, there may be something I can take to prevent migraines. As I am approaching the beginnings of second puberty (aka menopause), I know that my body is going to do weird things. I'm currently on birth control because of the fact that my body does weird things and it may be part of the reason why I have been having these headaches.

Either way, spending half of my day out of commission due to splitting headaches where the evil day star is too loud is really cutting into how much I get done during the week. It's really frustrating and I hope that this allergy stuff takes care of it. I know that I have had a few migraines this month because of the weather. Really wild swings in the weather triggers migraines for me. The running joke at my house is that I'm the human barometer between my arthritis and migraines.

The doctor's appointment Friday was to discuss how I'm doing with my diabetes and such. The doctor is pleased with the progress I have made. My A1C is at 6.5 which is half of what it was last year. (I started at 12.7.) My good cholesterol is a little low but the doctor attributes that to the fact that the bitter weather has made it difficult for me to get my daily walking in. I was going to talk to the care coordinator about my diet but she was out of the office. I still feel pretty confused and intimidated by the diet angle of all this.

The hardest part of the diet angle is figuring out what 'good' foods are. I've been reading and looking things up on the internet. I see a lot of fad diets that claim to cure diabetes. I don't think that's going to work for me. I see a lot of just plain bad advice (like drink okra infused water) and it disappoints me. The frustrating part of this research phase is that I feel like it is never ending. Also, a ton of people say 'eat salmon' and I have a very mild salmon allergy. I'm trying not to make that worse. I've been avoiding fatty foods because they give me an upset stomach more than the fact that they're pretty much all breaded and fried (though I confess I kinda miss mozzarella sticks and deep fried pickles).

I'm looking into making baked alternatives. I'll post something about the recipes I bash together. I've started a notebook for recipes that are diabetic friendly. I'm trying to approach this like it's science and have fun with it. I enjoyed doing lab work in college. It's just hard to find that fun feeling when there's never a break.

I have a new favorite yarn.

It's called My Favorite Stripe from Red Heart. The color saturation on this is fantastic. The striping works up great for scarves. I crochet one and then I knit one. Now I'm knitting another. It's just a lot of fun to have the yarn to the heavy lifting for the pattern. Right now, I'm just making another sampler scarf like I did in December. I'm not posting it as a Knit-A-Long because I honestly have no idea what I'm doing and I have misplaced my notebook.

I have another ball of this yarn. I'm going to use it to knit up a project that was last year's Knit-A-Long for spinning guild: That Nice Stitch scarf/cowl. It's a free pattern (last I checked) up on Ravelry. My plan is to donate the scarves I've been making and I don't need or find to be quite right for people on my gift list. I'm debating making hats to go with the scarves. I've been thinking about making scarves with pockets for hands too. But I feel good about making the decision to create stuff for charity again. I believe that most of the scarves are going to be fairly simple that I can knit with out concentrating too much. That way I can churn out more than one scarf in a month.

I have picked up the spindle again. I haven't loaded my fiber up on my distaff because it is a pretty small braid of it. So, I've been using my bracelet as a distaff for small sections. I'm using the Ashford Student Spindle to spin cobweb weight thread out of a grey-dark grey colorway from Winterhaven Fiber Farm. The fiber is a blend of merino(50), bamboo(35), and silk(25). I have 4 oz of fiber. I started spinning it with my turkish spindle. After I had two balls to ply, yule came. Then I made the mistake of putting the turkish spindle in a safe place. I still have the two balls of cobweb weight thread to ply. I'm not sure if I'm going to use a drop spindle for it or my kick wheel. I may go so far as to use my navajo spindle.

Menu for the week of Jan 21, 2019

So some of this is subject to change because I may actually get out and go shopping. I don't know. It really depends on the weather. Winter storm Harper is due to arrive Saturday, the day I usually go out shopping. And it is supposed to storm through Monday (the date this is scheduled to post, I'm writing it Friday afternoon), who knows if my shopping list changes.

Date	Breakfast	Lunch	Dinner
Sun	scrambled eggs	sandwiches / leftovers	pizza
Mon	kids: cereal me: oatmeal, coffee	Kids: sandwiches Hubby: leftovers & ramen Me: salad	hamburgers
Tues	kids: school me: oatmeal, turkey coffee	Kids: school Hubby: noodle bowl w/ meatballs Me: salad	tacos, mexican rice, salad
Wed	kids: school me: oatmeal, nuts, turkey & coffee	Kids: school Hubby: burrito bowl Me: leftovers	beef pot roast w/ roasted potatoes & salad
Thurs	kids: school me: zucchini hash w/ eggs & toast & coffee	Kids: school Hubby: leftovers Me: leftovers	gen. tso chicken w/ riced cauliflower
Fri	kids: school me: mason jar omlette & toast & coffee	Kids: school Hubby: sandwiches & chips Me: leftovers	pork korma cauliflower rice naan kids: ez mac
Sat	eggs, bacon & fruit	leftovers / sandwiches	roast chicken w/ green beans & mashed cauliflower

Garlic and herb riced cauliflower

This is a pretty simple recipe. I love my food processor because it makes cooking stuff like this a lot easier. I have decent knife skills but the simplicity of being able to just blitz it up in the food processor is hard to beat.

Ingredients

1 medium head of cauliflower

2 tablespoons minced garlic

1 teaspoon Italian seasoning

Step one: Cut your head of cauliflower into bits. I use my food processor and chop it into rice sized bits in batches because my food processor is on the small side.

Step two: In a non-stick skillet, saute your cauliflower with your garlic and seasoning with a small amount of butter or oil. When your cauliflower is tender and your spices are fragrant, you're done.

If you want to be a bit luxurious, toss this with some grated parmesan cheese. Serve it warm. This makes enough to serve five people, with some extras left over.

3 steps to making yourself miserable.

Step one: have a migraine that lasts two days.

Step two: feel guilty for having said migraine.

Step three: try to do ALL THE THINGS because of said guilt.


To say the least, I am working hard on not doing step three. The pain from the migraine is somewhat improved between the coffee, the aleve, and the tylenol but my vision is still a little funny. Which is annoying because I had stuff to do today that I had to reschedule. I am somewhere between craving sweets, which is a thing that happens when I have a migraine, and utterly disgusted by the thought of anything like solid food.

And I'm tired, because migraines exhaust me. With winter storm Harper marching steadily towards us, I know that my migraine was triggered by the weather and my joints are beginning to join the chorus of suck. Stupid arthritis. I feel like I am trapped in an old woman's body with how the arthritis gets to me and the way I get cold in a draft. I've always been like this. It's really exasperating.

But, I'm doing my best to practice self care, because that is one of my goals for this year. I sort of gave myself a partial pedicure on Monday after I took a warm bath. I'm not good at those things, that's probably the second or third I've actually done. But my socks didn't try to shred themselves when I put them on. So I guess I did something right. My feet were really dry and stuff.

Veiled Witch # 18 - Be Kind to Yourself

Dogged persistence serves us well until you run out. You run out of time; you run out of energy; you run out of clean laundry? No matter what it is, you run out of some vital resource that powered your persistence. It is part of the reason why New Year's Resolutions get abandoned at about this time of year.

You may find yourself at a place where you just can't do the thing. The trick here is to be mindful and kind to yourself. Remember, you are not a machine someone can set off running and not worry about. You need time to rest and recover. You need time to take care of your needs and time to relax. View setbacks as an opportunity to regroup, rest, and prepare your next move.

ETA: Whoopsies. I posted this to the wrong blog. But it is still pretty good to keep in mind, so it stays.

Oh, THERE'S WINTER!

I was planning on going to the spinning guild meeting this month. And then the weather report started turning uglier and uglier. Now we're talking about a serious winter storm starting Saturday and going through to Sunday evening. Usually, this would not be a huge concern, except for one small thing. Spinning guild meets up in an area that also gets lake effect snow off of one of the Great Lakes.

We've had just a minor dusting of snow on the ground off and on since Thanksgiving. Now with this winter storm projected to blow through, we can possibly get over a foot of snow depending on how far north it is going to track. That's before you move out of the Finger Lakes region (where I live) and up into the snow belts off of the Great Lakes. North of us and west of us are the snow belts off of lake Erie and Lake Ontario. They're getting projections of over 20 inches of snow in some places based off of possible storm track placement.

Because winter is finally here. Good thing my son loves his snow shovel and the idea of digging people out of the snow. He might just get paid by the neighbors to help shovel out their cars on a snow day.

Behold the power of reassurance.

So, I did as Beloved suggested and called the care coordinator at my doctor's office. We discussed my numbers and eating habits. Apparently 6.5 is a good number. Considering that I started at 12.5 (or something like that), it is a very good number. She said that a number below 7 is good.

I feel calmer about this stuff. She's going to meet with me at my doctor's appointment and we're going to discuss things a little more. I am fumbling in the dark with this stuff. I have done a lot of reading but it is all still really confusing.

It makes theoretical physics and linear algebra look easy. And I didn't make it through the physics program and linear algebra is just hellish. I'm no dummy, but I am not a registered dietician. I'm coming to understand that fad diets are bad. I'm realizing that carbs and I have a very complicated relationship now.

I'd go vegetarian with my diet but even that has problems to it. Because, I've learned that most vegetarian diets rely heavily on carbs for energy. What is problematic for me? Carbs. So, I'm going to talk to the care coordinator, who knows a lot more about this stuff, bring along my food journal, and try to figure out what foods are good for me.

I am getting bored eating eggs and oatmeal for breakfast. It probably isn't helping my cholesterol either. But, maybe she has some suggestions for me on menus or some books she can recommend. At least I know now that 6.5 is not a bad number. I was just misunderstanding what I was looking at when I was looking at my test results.

Body, why do you do this?

Image from Pexels.com

Look at that picture. All of those glorious carbs topped with yet more glorious carbs. And such a nice person offering them with such an inviting smile. It's pure torture right now. The only thing worse would be if it were chocolate at the moment.

I have type 2 diabetes. It's stupid. I hate it and I wish it would just magically go away like it magically showed up one day. Unfortunately, diabetes doesn't work like that at all. (I had been borderline diabetic for years but no one told me. Then last year, it hit me like a freight train.)

Now, normal non-diabetic people don't feel hungry when their blood sugar is high. I don't know how it works for other people with type 2 diabetes. I don't know if this is normal or if this is just that my body is weird in yet more ways. But, my blood sugar goes over 200 mg/dl and I get ravenously hungry. I've been told by some well-wishers that I should eat when I'm hungry and that will cure my diabetes. As if I am a person who will eat because they are bored or something.

I can't trust feeling hungry. If my blood sugar is high, I feel like I'm starving. If my blood sugar is low, I feel like I'm starving. There's a sweet spot in the middle where I'm pretty meh about food in general. The worst part about all of this is realizing that I can't have any of my comfort foods because they're all too high in carbs. I'm not talking about having a liter of Mt. Dew as comfort food but a small bowl of macaroni and cheese. A single serving of pasta has too many carbs for me to eat with out my blood sugar spiking.

I've had to give up normal bread. I know the reason why my blood sugar is spiking right now (I don't even have to test it I just know it's high because I ate two hours ago) is because I had my hamburger on bread. It wasn't some fancy dense artisian bread. It was actually a relatively low carb whole wheat bread that clocks in at 13 carbs per slice instead of 15 like white bread. (Potato bread, one of my loves clocks in at almost 20 carbs per slice. I've had to give it up completely.) So, I usually eat diet bread that is 9 carbs per slice. My blood sugar still goes up but not quite as much because it is half the amount of carbs in a normal slice of bread, approximately.

I can't eat rice. Cauliflower has become my life now. Riced cauliflower is not half as satisfying as fried rice. It doesn't cook up as well in fried rice either, to be honest. I just throw more veggies at it to make it look a little closer to fried rice when I make it. Beloved fortunately is willing to eat it. The kids, not so much.

I am getting frustrated with all of this. I started out with this whole diabetes stuff and I said I'm going to eat 30 carbs per meal and 10 - 15 carbs as a snack. Between that and my medication, my A1C dropped from around 13 down to 6.3. I lost a lot of weight. I thought, ok, I'm at a weight that I feel pretty comfortable with. I'm still exercising. I should start eating more carbs. The care coordinator who helped me figure out diet stuff told me I could eat up to 45 carbs per meal. So I started eating 40 carbs per meal.

Guess whose A1C has started creeping back up. I see my doctor in about two weeks. I know that a rise of two tenths of a point is not a big deal for most people. I'm trying to keep my A1C low and I'm trying to get my daily numbers within the ADA guidelines. I can't quite seem to manage it on my own. Because if I'm not vigilant about monitoring when and how I eat, I can eat too many carbs because I feel hungry when my carbs are high.

I was told that was going to go away. I was told the hunger pains that I was dealing with at 30 carbs per meal was going to go away.

It's not going away. I'm kinda mad about that. And we won't get into the psychological effects of the lower carb diet. I'll just say that they weren't pretty. Not because I was hangry all the time but I have a lot of PTSD stuff surrounding food.

I tell myself lies all the time.

Let's be honest. I tell myself lies all the time. I'm going to do yoga every morning. (That's a lie, I've been lucky if I manage it twice a week right now.) I'm going to make super healthy meals for everyone and pack lunches for everybody. (That's a lie. I make reasonably healthy meals and forget to pack lunches half the time with the leftovers.) I'm going to fold all the laundry today. (That's a lie, it's just going to sit in the bag unfolded until tomorrow.)

I'm trying to break that habit. Because there are other, bigger, nastier lies that I tell myself. Lies like "I'm stupid." or "I'm worthless." Those are the more polite versions of how they manifest in my head when I am not well. There's a laundry list of others that are just as awful, if not more so. I'm not going to share them, but let it be enough to say that I've been in and out of therapy trying to deal with it for most of my adult life.

It dawned on me today, if I stopped telling myself little lies (like that laundry one) then perhaps I can stop telling myself the bigger and nastier lies (like my value lies in how much I can get done). So, I'm attempting to stop lying to myself.

It's really hard. But, I made it through today with out lying to myself and actually making an effort to do some stuff that is hard for me. (Like the promoting my books thing and being social on social media.) My goal is to accomplish a week of this. If I can get through one week with out lying to myself about little things, I'm going to get myself some kind of reward. It can't be ice cream, because diabetes. (Honestly, I can't stop thinking about chocolate ice cream right now. Thank's high blood sugar. Rant on that in the next post.) Maybe I'll get myself some stickers or something.

I write books. It's a thing I do.

I announced it on Facebook and Twitter. The first trilogy of the Umbrel Chronicles is out on the market now in three formats. There's more details about where you can get them on my book writing blog. I write in a variety of genres. That blog is focused on my heart's delight, fantasy. I write dark fantasy as a way to process the traumas I've experienced in life. You'll find a lot of myself in the various characters and themes that the books explore.

I think it's true for any author. Whatever you write, it comes from somewhere inside you. The exception is if you're writing a research paper or a book that's equivalent to that. But, even then, you will still find your way into your work. You have your own unique voice and it shows up in pretty much every genre you write. I'm working on rediscovering my voice after having about two years of back to back depressive episodes (with brief relief and equally brief hypomanic episodes) making it really hard to write.

While I haven't been really coming up with a lot of new material or blogging very much, I have been editing old material. I have been combing through my notebooks for work to put together for future books. So, I'm going to be rolling out a few new books over the next few months. They're ones that got written before the waves of depression and edited over the last few years. Book four of the series will be out in the spring. Book five will be out in autumn.

My goal is to finish book seven by this summer and have it ready to go next spring. And to write book eight during NaNoWriMo. I also have another book that I have to completely rework and I think it may split into three books. It's in a different genre. But it is good to be getting back to writing again and feeling more like myself.

Sense of timing sucks.

So, I have really bad timing. I think the only times when it wasn't horrible was when music was involved because then I could follow the beat. I could always manage to march in step with the band even when music wasn't being played. I was also the person who started calling out "Your left, left, left, right, left!" at full volume at the back of the entire group after I got exasperated with everyone around me shuffling their feet. I learned to march as a kid. Convoluted story there, has nothing to do with this, so I'm not going to get into it. (I did it at the daycare I worked at when a cadre of about eight boys decided they were an army. So I became their 'commanding officer' and taught them how to march much to the amusement of parents and coworkers. I had one parent say he felt like he was back at Ft. Bragg and asked me if there was any military in my family. I answered army and marines.)

But, telling jokes, I'm hopeless at it. I can kill you with dry sarcasm and snark. I can't tell a joke, however. I tried to be cute and get my husband to laugh at various times. I wasn't very successful. I keep trying, because I am convinced telling a joke is a skill I can learn. I haven't learned it yet, though it's been 30 something years that I've been trying.

My sense of timing is equally bad for judging how long I've been doing something. I was doing yoga this afternoon and was convinced I had held a pose for a full minute. I glanced at the clock, it was only 30 seconds. Yoga hates me as much as I dislike it. I honestly think I'm doing something wrong because in some poses, I have my right arm go numb. I don't know if it is because I did more damage than just fracturing a rib on that side last year or because I'm just that out of shape. It didn't used to happen, but it does now.

I am frustrated with my sense of timing for when to announce things and keep up with trends. Either I start something waaay before it becomes a trend and I never benefit from it becoming trendy or I start joining something about when it is waning. It leaves me wondering what I'm going to do when it comes to marketing my books and stuff. You need good timing and strong set of social skills to market things. I don't have much of either. I'm the person who tends to mumble and be awkward when they're put on the spot.

It's a combination of bad timing and social phobia. The only time I don't have that going on is when I was playing a character or performing somehow. I could put on this persona of confidence and I managed to interact with people with out awkwardness. Indeed, I had a character I played that intimidated people based on force of personality. I can't quite manage that in person. I am shy and stumbling. And anxious. But, give me a pen and I'm a bit bolder.

Who knows, maybe I'll figure out how to write jokes.

Arguing with my subconscious sucks.

As I posted on Twitter:

land of birds, reminder: scumbag brain is lying to you when it says that your value is based on what you produce, how much you make, or the sum total of your possessions. as much a reminder for myself as for you.

I find myself arguing with my subconscious again. Because I have a lot of toxic baggage surrounding this time of year. That post was an external counter argument to what scumbag brain is harping on.

Additionally, if people base their relationship around what is convenient only for them and fail to take your needs or situation into consideration, there isn't really a relationship there. Those require people to have mutual give and take, what you've got in that situation is somebody using you for something.

When contact is one way only, they don't really want to have contact with you. They just want the idea of it.

When you're always made out to be the 'bad guy' for situations you had literally no involvement in, you need to walk away from those people.

If you are in a situation where help comes at a price from people who claim that they support you unconditionally, that support isn't unconditional and you should regard them with suspicion because they lied to your face. Their deeds show who they really are.

I could keep going, but this is what's rattling around in my head right now. I can't stop thinking about the past. Yay PTSD and anniversary dates.

Thunderstorm in January?

I supposed it would make sense if we were living somewhere like Florida or southern California where they usually get rain in the winter but this is confusion. It is pouring pretty hard outside right now. The skies are dark and gloomy with an occasional crack of thunder. My ribs don't ache right now, which I am thankful for. But later this week, the temperature is supposed to drop back to seasonable levels and I honestly wonder if we're going to get a severe storm when it happens.

I know that January usually has a thaw and things warm up for a bit. But winter weather started late this year. If this is our January thaw, it is early. It all has me concerned if we're going to be facing drought conditions this coming growing season because the water table isn't being replenished by sufficient snow melt later. It would make gardening difficult for me but it would be a major problem for the farmers in the region.

The funny thing is I was going to go for a walk earlier and I got laid low by a migraine out of nowhere. I now know why I had that migraine this morning. Because of the on coming storm. What a weird week for weather. Just yesterday, we had a very mild ice storm that left a very fine glaze of ice over everything. Today it's a thunderstorm. And tomorrow we are projected to quite possibly get snow in the evening. It's like we're experiencing all of the seasons in one week. Please, don't let it happen that we have a sudden day of summer weather. That would completely freak me out.

Low Carb Chicken and 'Rice'

The trick to getting this recipe to work out well is not to expect it to cook like traditional chicken and rice because you are using riced cauliflower in place of regular rice. The riced cauliflower is not going to absorb much liquid. This is a recipe that you can make in the oven or in a skillet on the stovetop. Honestly, the skillet may be the best bet because the oven version is kinda soupy.

I used boneless, skinless chicken thighs for this dish. You can use chicken breasts also. It depends on how many you plan on feeding. First step is to brown your chicken lightly in a skillet so that it releases some of its juices and grease. In an aluminum foil lined 1 quart casserole, add 1 medium package of riced cauliflower. Stir in a tablespoon of rotisserie seasoning for chicken. Then place your browned chicken on top and sprinkle a generous amount of seasoning over your chicken. Cover your casserole and bake at 350 degrees until your chicken is finished cooking. In my oven, that is around 45 minutes.

If you are starting out with frozen chicken then you can toss everything into the casserole and cook at 350 degrees for 30 minutes per pound of chicken.

Now, the skillet preparation is a little different. Rather than just browning the chicken, you cook it fully and then transfer to a plate. Next, you add your riced cauliflower and cook it according to package directions until it is warmed through. If you want your chicken seasoned, you will need to season it before adding it to the pan. I like using a nonstick skillet for this dish because clean up is a lot easier. The skillet version of this recipe allows for the excess liquid to evaporate off with out your chicken turning into nuggets of rubber. It is also a bit faster.

Menu for the week of 1/7/2019

Date	Breakfast	Lunch	Dinner
Sun	scrambled eggs	sandwiches / leftovers	pizza
Mon	kids: school me: oatmeal, coffee	Kids: school Hubby: leftovers & ramen Me: salad	hamburgers
Tues	kids: school me: oatmeal, turkey coffee	Kids: school Hubby: out Me: salad	tacos, mexican rice, salad
Wed	kids: school me: oatmeal, nuts, turkey & coffee	Kids: school Hubby: out Me: leftovers	pork chops w/ roasted potatoes & salad
Thurs	kids: school me: zucchini hash w/ eggs & toast & coffee	Kids: school Hubby: leftovers Me: leftovers	pepper steak w/ riced cauliflower
Fri	kids: school me: mason jar omlette & toast & coffee	Kids: school Hubby: sandwiches & chips Me: leftovers	pork korma cauliflower rice naan kids: ez mac
Sat	eggs, bacon & fruit	leftovers / sandwiches	beef stew and biscuits

How many planners are too many?

It's January and I am trying to get my life organized. Again.

Being sick and depressed last year completely threw me off my game. I didn't get a lot of the stuff I wanted to do done. My goal for this year is to actually accomplish last year's goals and get a few others done too.

As a result, I have my Control Journal, ala FLYLady. In the Control Journal is the year's calendar in monthly format with appointments and major events written down in it. I check that every month and update it on a weekly basis. I have my wall calendar that has the month's events written down on it and along the bottom monthly portion I have highlighted the days the kids have off from school for the rest of the year and circled the half days. I carried that system of highlighting the day and circling the day to the Control Journal.

I also have a weekly planner where I write down all of my appointments and the kids' appointments and such. I reconcile that against the monthly calendar every Thursday when I set up my daily planner for the up coming week. And then in my daily planner, I spend fifteen minutes every evening updating the next day (or two days if necessary) with tasks that need to be done and calls that need to be made. My daily planner and my weekly planner have the notation system that was developed by the guy who came up with the Bullet Journal system.

All of this, I am going to coordinate with the calendar in my phone to have reminders for appointments and stuff.

Then, on top of all of that, I have a bullet journal for the tarot reading business that I'm attempting again this year. I really didn't have a shot at making it work last year because of the depression. I am also keeping a bullet journal for my writing. In both of those, there is a section for planning too. All of this being weekly planning that is checked against my weekly planner.

I might have gone a little too far.

Annoyed for 10000 reasons.

A partial list of reasons why I am annoyed:

1. This stupid cold won't go away.

2. My kids won't stop watching whoopie cushion videos or siren videos on the tv.

3. My slippers are wearing out.

4. My fuchsia plant is withering despite my tlc.

5. My rose bush is looking unhealthy despite my tlc.

6. Dishes will not wash themselves despite how much I glare at them.

7. My skinny jeans are becoming too big for me. I ♥ those jeans but they have to go because they won't stay on.

8. My favorite t-shirt is beginning to rip out along the seam.

9. I'm lactose in tolerant and diabetic, but I am craving ice cream right now.

10. The damn fruit flies won't go away and they keep killing themselves by drowning in my coffee cup.

Can I blame Mars being in Aries for this or some other planet being retrograde?

WTF?

Today has been a very long day. I had two migraines today. I still have this stupid cold. And I haven't gotten anything aside from grocery shopping and making dinner done today. I know I need to take some time to take a break but, c'mon Universe, I have stuff I need to do.

I've been drawing again!

I did this up in pencils. It's a plant from my fictional world called Deadman's Tails. It's kinda a riff off of Cattails. If I had a scanner, I'd have better pictures of my sketches for y'all but hey, I'm drawing again.

If I were a Super Hero for a Day.

From my writing prompt box: What would you do if you were a super hero for one day?

Honestly, I'd use my super powers to find a way to fix the environmental crisis the planet is facing. We've only got one planet. I'd kinda like to stay here as long as possible because I know it is habitable. Colony on Mars or the Moon sounds really cool. But you have limited supplies and air there. Here, air is free and plentiful. I don't like the idea of having to pay credits for air so that I can breathe.

Maybe I'll write a sci-fi short about that dystopian idea. An asthmatic who has to pay for air. Could make for some interesting horror. *shrugs* Who knows, I'm just spitballing here.

Doing things the hard way.

I have this bad habit. When I get to choose between two possible ways to do something, I almost always choose the hard way. I suppose I am just foolish like that. Or stubborn, I don't know. Here I am trying to make sense of the chaos in my head. I looked at things and said to myself, "Ok, I don't have a therapist. Why don't I just journal ALL THE THINGS until it makes sense?"

And of course I am doing this by hand. Because it's the hard way. Because I'm more familiar with journal writing in a notebook than typing it up. So, I am sitting here with a blister on my thumb and writer's cramp from spending all morning journal writing. I have learned a few valuable things in this process.

1. When I am stressed out I hold my writing implement really tightly. (Hence the blister on my thumb.)

2. When I am stressed out, I tend to break pencil leads. I may be switching to mechanical pencils for this journal work.

3. I can write just shy of 2k words by hand in about 2 hours. I guess if I really focused, I actually could write a novel by hand in a month. It may not be completely legible to anybody else, but I can get the word vomit part done.

4. I have no idea what in hell I'm doing despite having done the therapy thing off and on for most of my adult life. I just feel like I'm on a hamster wheel writing the same stuff over and over again. Which is, amusingly, how the therapy sessions felt most of the time too.

5. You can find tons of journal prompts on line for self-help. Not all of them make sense with out the prompt that comes before it. PRO TIP: Use the prompts in order from the list they're posted in, not at random.

Gluten free homemade taco seasoning.

My kids prefer this stuff to mix that you get in a packet. It is low in sodium. There's no gluten in it. And it keeps forever.

1 tbsp chili powder
1 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp oregano
1 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
salt and pepper to taste