Ramblings

I posted it on my other blog. I may have said a bit about it on Facebook or Twitter. I'm pretty sure I mentioned it on Tumblr. I've been depressed over the last month. As a result of that, I have been sorely tempted to give up writing. I feel as though I'm just no good and that I'm not a 'real' author because I don't have a book contract or an agent. I've been forcing myself to write in my therapy journals and I've been trying to keep up with my daily journal. It's been hard. Even the short form entry in my daily planner where I summarize my day in a few lines have been difficult to write.

I sat down and looked at things seriously today. I realized that I needed to be more realistic in my writing expectations. I can't expect myself to be at production levels all the time. No one is a writing machine. I can't expect myself to be at the same level as authors like Neil Gaiman, who is well established in the industry and still has a hard time pitching novels. I also need to stop trying to expect myself to write in every genre to find my audience. Some genres I'm just not that strong in and I have to accept that. I am, for example, not an author of children's books.

I suppose I'm having something of a midlife crisis. I've been struggling to write the blurb for book four of the Umbrel Chronicles of Evandar for the last three months. I've been struggling to finish book seven of the same series for the last year. It has me questioning if I still have the energy to write this series. It has me questioning everything about my writing. I haven't given up but I have been very tempted to do it.

I realize the reason why these self-defeating and self-denying thoughts have been coming up are because scumbag brain is the repository of all the lies that were told to me as I was growing up. And in those lies, I was told that I couldn't do this. I was told that there was no way I'd be successful. And that success meant a big fat paycheck and lots of book sales. That success was supposed to be their retirement because once they figured out that I actually could write a novel at seventeen, they suddenly were onboard and trying to control what I was doing.

Lots of old programming has been hitting me hard over the last month. I didn't really comprehend it until last night when I wrote an 'eviction notice' to the haters living rent free in my head. Writing that flipped some kind of switch. Now, the words are flowing. I have no idea what direction they're going in. I don't know if this means that the Umbrel Chronicles of Evandar is going to be on hold for a while. I hope not. I have six and a half books that I want to release into the wild. But, right now, I'm going to do my best to just write what I have and let the gods sort it out.

Monday Menu Week of July 22, 2019

This menu is a bit of a cheat. We had this same menu last week. It worked out fairly well, despite the heat, so we're doing it again. On Friday, Snuggle Bug doesn't have summer school but Cuddle Bear does. So, Snuggle Bug is getting his favorite flavor of poptarts (strawberry) for breakfast and we're both having sandwiches. Did I mention that diet bread tastes of stale cardboard, expired air, and sadness? At least it's low carb and I can pretend I'm having a 'normal' sandwich.

Date	Breakfast	Lunch	Dinner
Sun	Donuts	sandwiches / leftovers	Pizza
Mon	kids: Donuts me: english muffin egg, coffee	Kids: school Hubby: pork chop sandwich & chips Me: pizza & chicken	hamburgers carrot salad & cheeseburger salad
Tues	kids: school me: oatmeal, egg, coffee	Kids: school Hubby: turkey sandwiches & eggs Me: salad	tacos & taco salad
Wed	kids: school me: oatmeal, egg & coffee	Kids: school Hubby: burrito bowl Me: leftovers	Pork chops pad thai
Thurs	kids: school me: coffee oatmeal & berries	Kids: school Hubby: leftovers Me: leftovers	Pepper steak Lo mein
Fri	kids: school me: veggie omelet & toast & coffee	Kids: school Hubby: leftovers Me: leftovers	Pork tenderloin mash cauliflower pasta salad
Sat	eggs, bacon & fruit	leftovers / sandwiches	crock pot meatloaf w/ bread sticks

New Haircut and blabberings

I got my hair done last weekend. It's a cross between mad scientist and 'I'd like to talk to the manager.' looks and I think I kinda like it. It's been hot and humid over the last several days, which does not lend it self well to spinning. I'm frustrated with my health situation because the heat is making my blood sugar do stupid things. I did not anticipate this. In trying to compensate for things like random blood sugar drops for no apparent reason, I have had my blood sugar running a bit high today. As a result, I feel like I'm starving all day. I've been eating low carb snacks like cheese and chicken. It's still a miserable feeling.

I'm exasperated with how the heat makes my face go red. I'm exasperated with how if I get even slightly dehydrated, due to one of my psych meds, my face goes red. And I am exasperated with the fact that it seems like I can drink nothing but water right now with out this being aggrivated. I'd like to have something with flavor in it but that has carbs.

I could be drinking diet soda but I've been working on cutting back if not eliminating soda from my diet. Mainly because my dentist says I have weak teeth. I know that the diet soda doesn't have the sugar in it but the carbonic acid that makes the soda bubbly isn't helping my teeth either. So, I can drink water, tea, or coffee. It's been a frustrating day. I've been craving a glass of apple juice for the last two days and we have none in the apartment (nor will I be getting any because of all the carbs in a single serving equals a full meal's worth of carbs, it sucks).

So far this year, I have donated around 25 preemie hats. I have also donated 6 scarves. You can guess which work up faster. I'm currently working on a scarf that's done up with a ball of white acrylic and a ball of 'my favorite stripe' acrylic yarn from Red Heart. The pattern is super simple. Holding both yarns together, cast on 16. Knit until 55 inches long (approximately). Drop every third stitch. Cast off knit-wise. I call it PennyCandy because it looks a lot like the old time striped candy you can pick up at the pharmacy up the road (that would have cost a penny in the old days). I'll post a picture of the work in progress tomorrow. So far, I have 12 inches knit, which isn't too bad for starting it yesterday.