Friday, October 31, 2008

I feel uncertain...

I suppose that's as good of a place to start as any. I feel uncertain and afraid. I'm feeling that way alot if not most of the time. I hate it. I'm terrified of various incarnations of ancient fears of mine and I don't know how to shake them off. Evidence piles up that it looks like they're false things to fear and then ... I fall back into them under a different guise. I rather hate it.

I guess there is some form of psychological benefit that comes from it. I honestly don't know what it is. I recognize that there's some unhealthy version of 'magical thinking' going into it. After all, I can not directly impact the decisions of my parent or my brothers to the extent of forcing them to commit to any one course of action. And I'm not responsible for the well being, happiness, or any other obscure thing like that of my family either.

I can't stop being afraid that if I act in a fashion that is true to who I am, however, that I'm going to unleash the bizzare equivallent of an enormous nuclear bomb and destroy all of the good relationships in my life, have the people I love be driven out of my life (or I banished from their lives) and essentially destroy the lives of those around me.

Somedays, I really do hate my family. On the days that I hate them, I am so sorely tempted to just write all of these people who I grew up with and around off, cleaving only to my husband and my son. So, why don't I?

Because the idea of throwing them away ... it breaks my heart and hurts horribly. I have a brother who's attempting to change his relationship with my husband and I. This is the same one who at one point in time said that he wouldn't piss in my mouth to save me from dying of thirst or to put me out if I was on fire.

I can't let the fact that I love them allow me to allow them to hurt me. But I can't bear the thought of kicking them out of my life. I've been trying to figure out some way to control their influence on me but I'm apparently resorting to avoiding and denying things again. It doesn't do me any good. It just aggrivates and extends the psychological issues that I have when it comes to the situation.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I'm ProChoice and here's why.

So, someone sent me one of the usual ProLife/Anti-Abortion emails. Usually, I just delete the things and sneer at them as spam. Something about one I received a few weeks ago just pulled this response out of me.

> Hi folks,
> It's election season and we've seen alot of e-mail and
> other stuff about various issues. I'm sure that you
> folks even had an opportunity to read the
> anti-abortion email that I'm replying to here. I
> wanted to take a moment to address the issue from a
> different perspective.
> I don't exactly have any fancy emotional arguments or
> any wonderful people to reference, such as Mother
> Theresa. So, please take what I'm saying and treat it
> a bit gently. These are *my* words and it is *my*
> perspective and they're standing on their own here.
> I am one of those odd people who supports the decision
> made to legalize abortion on the case of Roe V. Wade.
> If you take the time to read the decision handed down
> by the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS, for
> short)you'll find that the decision was made on the
> basis of privacy. My support of the decision is
> entirely on that basis.
> My body is my sovereign ground to do with as I please.
> Laws that are made to restrict what I do can only be
> to the extent of how I affect other people. The
> argument that abortion is murder faces a thorny issue
> of defining when life begins. SCOTUS has consistently
> refused to give a definitive answer to this question,
> as the general consensus is that it is outside of the
> scope of the duties, obligations, and right of what it
> is allowed to do with respect to the Constitution.
> I agree that if laws are going to be made to protect
> unborn children, then this question needs answered.
> Until that time, however, there is the question of who
> has the right to determine what you do with your body
> to contend with. The decision handed down by SCOTUS on
> the matter of Roe V. Wade doesn't just legalize
> abortion. It also protects the people of the United
> States from abuse under the color of law in the most
> heinous of ways.
> Even now, there are people who serve as elected
> officials on the State and National level who have
> proposed eugenics programs. This includes but is not
> limited to racially, ethnically, and disability based
> programs of sterilization. As long as the decision of
> Roe V. Wade stands, there is *no* hope of those
> repulsive measures being signed into law. To overturn
> that decision opens the door for things far more ugly
> then abortion.
> Additionally, the procedure that is known commonly as
> abortion (dilation and cutterage)will place the lives
> of many women such as myself at risk of death due to
> genetic gynecological disorders. I have a condition
> known as Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Among the
> complications that I face is the potential of bleeding
> to death due to menstrual irregularities. The various
> methods of treating this disorder includes things such
> as the proscribing of common birth-control pills.
> Birth-control medication is part of a laundry list of
> things that are vehemently opposed by the Pro-Life
> individuals. I don't think that many of the Pro-Life
> group realize that the regulation of hormonal cycles
> which can prevent conception (as it's not 100%
> accurate, only abstinence is that accurate) also
> prevents the ovarian cysts that women with PCOS
> suffer. Ovarian cysts can prove lethal.
> If one makes these modes of treatment illegal, one
> then removes effective methods of saving other lives
> for the sake of saving potential lives. I can not in
> good conscience support that because *my* life is
> among the ones that is placed in mortal peril by doing
> so.
> And the high handed assumption that abortions are due
> to lazy and morally corrupt individuals who desire to
> be absolved of the responsibility of parenthood is
> repugnant to me. I personally know several women who
> have had abortions. The majority of them had the
> abortion because the pregnancy was not viable. The
> others it was because they were rape victims who had
> no means to even obtain adequate care for themselves
> thru the pregnancy, never mind to care for and raise a
> child. Unfortunately, I find that the negative
> assumptions regarding abortion are not the exception
> but rather the rule in the Pro-Life community.
> That disgusts me and I haven't the words to express
> the scorn I feel for the individuals who believe that
> all abortions are matters of convenience.
> If you want to vote for life, that's fine. Think
> carefully about what life you are voting for.
> Potential life is not the same as actual life and the
> majority of abortions are done before the first
> trimester is even concluded. As a matter of fact, most
> of them are performed prior to the fetus developing a
> heart or lungs. As such, can you say that the fetus is
> alive? Never mind if it is a person, which is part of
> the emotional appeal that is so frequently used in the
> Pro-Life argument.
> I'm sure that some of you are disgusted, horrified,
> repulsed, or enraged by my taking this stance and
> sending this e-mail to you all. It was not my intent
> to evoke any of those feelings from you. My intent was
> to inform and to encourage you to think carefully on
> this matter. The Pro-Life platform does not actually
> save all life in this case. It simply exchanges who is
> at risk for death and undermines our right to do as we
> please with ourselves and the sanctity of our bodies.
> Please keep that fact in mind when you consider this
> issue.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

been thinking again...

Money is a problem, as per usual.

For some reason, however, my thoughts have been along the lines of resolving the stress in my life with creativity. The same creativity that is blocked when I try to apply it to resolving the financial problems. It's funny, but I tend to get stage fright over some of the oddest situations.

And here I am contemplating what this time...?

I'm contemplating producing a few artworks specifically for an in-game showing. I'm also contemplating making myself a belly dance costume and giving that a shot as well.

Oh, and not doing that in private but rather incorporating it into the in-game event.

On one hand, I'm rather terrified of the concept. On the other, it has been an idea toying at me for almost a year and a half now. Stretch marks and all, I'm seriously tempted. Does this make me a fool?

I don't know, but I think I've figured out my sewing machine's issue and I am going to at least sew that because I've always wanted to have one and I've yards of fabric needing to be used.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Apperances and reality are different.

Reality says that I'm not being ignored or neglected. Reality says that things are doing ok and look like they're going to continue on to be just fine.

Apperances well...

They're entirely different and I'm torn between wanting comfort, a place to hide, and to get into a fight with some one.

I really, really hate stress. It does such stupid shit to me.

As such, I've been washing dishes and attempting to battle back the mess that has overtaken my home. And I'm wondering why the hell my son has refused to take his nap today.

On the upside, he has another tooth and a couple more quite close to popping thru. Looks like it's four teeth at once this time. :P

Sunday, October 12, 2008


The game last night was AWESOME! :)

I think the best part was the cars going explody but it's hard to decide. I hadn't laughed that hard in a couple of months with the other crazy stuff that came up before the explody incident.


Friday, October 10, 2008

yet more ramblings, this time sleep deprived. joy!

As you read this, you will know I'm talking to you. It'll be apparent so I'm not going to explain. And those who don't get it, well... enjoy my being moderately cryptic. You could say this is to obtain some meager sense of anonymity on a public space as large as the internet. Even though I question if I've really got to worry about it. I'll just let that thread of thought lay there because I don't feel like dealing with the tangles in it.


Hi, how're you? I'd send an e-mail but I'm not in a mood to fight with it right now. For some reason, I feel like e-mail isn't the right medium for this and I don't know if that's ok or not. I've been thinking about you a fair amount recently and trying to understand why I haven't had the nerve to call, chat, or e-mail you of late. I think I figured it out. Seeing the two of you together, I was struck by this horrible sense that I could be possibly coming between you both somehow and that nothing but bad things could come from that.

I also was having a chicken-shit moment or two recently also. Do you know how hard it is to put a few word together infront of you in an attempt to express admiration and affection with out sounding like an idiot? Never mind the whole confusing mess of trying to avoid sounding like a creep or something else equally unpleasant. It sucks and it's just no fun.

I feel like I'm suffocating with ideas and unspoken words pressing down on me but I just can't bring myself to say 'em out loud. The all to straight-laced German side of me insists that it isn't proper to voice those things and that nothing but misery could come from doing so anyhow. To say the least, I really feel like an idiot when I am amazed by how relieved I am after I just blurt out my thoughts.

You know, hubby really had a good point last night when we were talking. I really do obsess far too much over making the 'wrong' choice, decision, or action (what ever is appropriate for the situation) and it really is slowly killing me. At one point somebody said to me that what I'm dealing with is fear that's just habitual. Maybe that's what's been stopping me and is such a part of my staunch old world German upbringing, the habit of a fear of reprisal.

You probably knew all a long that I wanted to just sit and talk with you about all kinds of things but was too terrified to do so because I didn't want to be the source of problems for any of us. You, me, anyone who knows us or is attached to us. Well, I suppose if I'm going to really start living, then I need to do it now.

And that means talking to you even if I stumble over my words and feel like an idiot. I just hope that I don't prove to disappointing when I don't say anything profound or witty. I used to think I was pretty smart, then life came along and kicked me in the teeth and forced me to realise that I'm not as bright as I thought I might be. I may need some guidance and even a kick in the pants to find my way forward here.

Consider this a request to help me out on this. Don't worry, I'll actually be talking with you about this too, just to clarify any confusion.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

rambling about the moment.

Right now, I'm just feeling worn out and kinda broken. I'm not sure why.

I just want to go hide my head somewhere and cry.

At the same time, however, I ... I feel a visceral need to be pushed to the edge of my limits. Something to make me feel that white hot heat in my veins and the dizzying mixture of freedom and release that comes with it.

I hate when this feeling settles over me. It makes the world a scary and confusing place. On one hand, I want to go hide and cry. I want to find a warm, safe place where I can be comforted and protected. In the midst of this, however, I want to feel pain, fear, and subjugation within a strictly controlled environment.

It scares me to want such things because a part of my brain insists that I should revile them. There's a laundry list of reasons that come to mind as to the reasons why I should repudiate these desires and divorce myself from them. They start with the fact that I'm a rape and sexual abuse survivior and extend to arguments about how these desires are some how something I'm theoretically programmed to want because I'm a female in a male dominated culture.

All of those things, however, are excuses.

The thing that really scares me is the amount of comfort I find in such things. I want them to happen on a more regular basis, but I don't know what to say or do to somehow make that possible, if it even is possible.

I don't know, maybe my husband is right and some of this need to have my will placed under the hand of another is due to the head trip I had in my childhood from the adults around me. I don't know. Even that feels like it's a lie.

All I know is that right now, nothing would do more to make the world feel like there's some sembelance of order to it then to have that little forbidden itch of mine scratched. And I want to cry because I need to hide any and every inclination I have towards such things on a daily basis.

It wounds my soul to shove aside these things about me. I'm sick and tired of feel like there's something wrong with me because of my sexuality or anything else like that. And I don't know what to do about it. As I get more stressed out, the more I think of these kinds of things and how it would help me be less anxious, and then I realize that it's just not going to happen.

What does that say about me? Does that say that I'm broken some how and I've lied to myself over the last several years in my insistance that I'm not? Does it say that I'm unhealthy in some fashion because of this?

I just want to feel like... I want to feel like I'm not about to fly apart at any moment and I can't figure out what can help me accomplish that on my own.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

More thoughts on polyamory.

So, I'm reading the news on CNN's website and I see yet another article about cheating husbands. I see in these articles so many, many stupid ideas that are being perpetuated for no reason other then bullshit. It disgusts me to see so many people saying that if you fall in love with some one they must be your one and only for life. The heart doesn't work like that. You fall in and out of love with people all the time.

It is the relationship that needs to endure this and you need to decide if you want to continue the relationship as time moves forward. You can't force yourself to feel one thing or another because you think you should feel that way. It's wrong to do that and it's ultimately harmful to your psychological well-being. It's not your feelings that determine how you act. They can be a factor in it but they don't decide it. Yes, your feelings are a part of you, but they're a part of you like your arm. If you start beating some one to death, it is because you chose to act in that fashion.

I've got to admit, I'm utterly disgusted by the people who say that they cheated because of their feelings. You cheated because you chose to act on the feelings. You cheated because you believed it was in your best interests to act on those feelings rather then not do so, perhaps because you believed the relationship you had at that moment was not in your best interests at that time. You may be wondering why I'm bringing up the matter of an affair or cheating on your significant other in a post about polyamory.

It's actually connected. The predominant culture looks at polyamory as open invitation to orgies, disloyalty, and debauchery. It's possible to be polyamorus and not cheat. If you choose to maintain your relationships and openly address any issues in them, you're not cheating. It's the same as if you're monogamous. And cheating in polyamory is the same as cheating in monogamy. It's actually an equal risk. Because it all is dependent upon the decision of the individual to choose maintaining their relationship over acting upon their feelings for the person outside of the relationship.

It also gets me angry when people try to say that being polyamorus means you're amoral or otherwise morally deviant. Quite frankly, your morality and mine are different because they're rooted in two entirely different world views. We may have points that we agree are morally wrong or morally good, but we don't think the same way because we don't have the same beliefs. This country has religious freedom which should allow for people who's religion states that polyamory is permissible to engage in it. The real question with the marriage debate is not over the sanctity of marriage.

It is over the social construct's definitions and the rights and privilages accorded to people who are in a committed union. Gay marriage, straight marriage, polyamorous, or monogamous it doesn't change the question. Marriage law shouldn't be a question of the gender or the sexuality. Polyamory may complicate things, but perhaps we should rethink the focus of family law (which is where the question of the role of marriage arises) to more accurately reflect the reality of the situation.

That, however, is my thoughts, feelings, and opinions.

Either way, polyamory isn't as bad as people want to make it. And I'm getting sick of watching people demonize others for the fact that they can love more then one person in their lives. We can love our parents, our siblings, our friends, and damn near everyone else on the face of the earth. Are we supposed to turn that off when we get married? It's not a question of who you love but what your relationship with them is.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Polyamory on TV.

Heh, so the Tyra Show is taking on polyamory. The first thing I have to say is I'm disappointed that Tyra keeps trying to push this into the 'shock the public' territory. It's quite clear that the couple and the lovers who are there to discuss their polyamorous relationship are not doing this just for the sex. She keeps trying to push that concept and it's incredibly disrespectful of her to do that.

And they just topped Tyra's disrespect by this bullshit with a gal and her guy asking her best friend on national TV to be their lover and the best friend had no clue why she was on TV until they asked! I'm sorry, but that would just offend the everloving fuck out of me. I'm pretty easy going and I like to think that I'm a very forgiving person. But that is just offensive as hell and so absolutely disrespectful of the friend.

I'll post more on this. Laundry and the boy need my attention.

Contemplating *evil* :)

So, some of my neighbors are trying to cause mischief. They apparently have a bee in their bonnets over the fact that I'm *gasp* a witch. They've go so far as to warn people about me and say that they'll have nothing to do with me because I'm a witch. These folks have brought a fair amount of misery to several people around this apartment complex.

I've been considering pranking them. I've been seriously considering it. I can't stand bigots and I really can't stomach two-faced individuals who pretend to be friends of mine and then go about attempting to make me look bad. The ideas that I've looked at and thought were amusing have made the last few afternoons entertaining.

Talking to the gamers I know and arranging a zombie horde to show up at their house, for example, could be good for a giggle. But I keep thinking about the insistence by some of the folks around town that this town is haunted and possibly cursed and I can't help but smile. I find the idea of making them think that their home is haunted just delicious.

Looking at it, however, i am faced with the ethical dilemma: is the prank and juvenile satisfaction/revenge of this operation worth the potential backlash this could cause. Normally, the answer is a flat out 'no' but right now... I'm finding myself drawn increasingly towards a 'yes'. Is this a good or a bad thing?

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

X-post from other blog

I'm going to probably wander around thru a few different things. If it's difficult to follow, don't worry about it. I'm having a hard time keeping it all straight in my head right now too. I think it's part of the reason why I've been feeling alternately anxious and on edge of late. The first thing that comes to mind is I don't know how to do what my spirit is pushing me to do.

Nothing's worse then feeling called to take actions that can directly place yourself or those around you in difficult positions. It's one thing if I had just myself to be concerned with. But I've got a husband and a son who could be affected by the social backlash. I mean, I'm openly practicing witchcraft and the rumor mill has started flying on this. It makes it fairly clear that if I start engaging in more service to the community oriented activity, I really shouldn't mention my spirituality or faith. After all, people around this little podunk town aren't really going to understand, appreciate, or even accept it.

Nope, it'll be more of the 'Didn't you know? She's a devil worshipper and she probably molests that little boy of hers!' kind of bullshit. It doesn't exactly make me have warm fuzzies at the thought of going out and helping the community at large, publishing anything on a large scale, or doing any thing along the lines of public education about this misunderstood belief system. I mean, how can I put my husband in that position of potential risk? Sure, his boss is a nice guy but small town politics could end up in such a fashion where the man gets flack from the busy bodies, who just happen to have a stranglehold on the local political scene and it could end up in my husband losing his job all because I started to make some waves by doing the right thing. It'd be one thing if I was Christian or one of the more accepted alternative faiths.

I think that's been my big hinderance right now. I'm used to people giving me shit. It's just something that I kinda had to deal with for years. But... Now, I've got my boy who can either become a target or a victim of the kind of bullshit that resulted in things like my property getting vandalized and my best friend harassed. Shit like that is horribly wrong and too many people turn a blind eye to it. No matter how good and decent people like to say small town America is, there's is always the old boy's network dark-side of those little towns and the misfits are the ones who get shit from 'em for simply being there. But I can't push this stuff aside much longer. It's crushing my spirit and making me get progressively more upset and anxious.

Then I've got this other thing that just keeps running around in my head over the last week or so. The person who this is directed at knows who they are so I'm not going to mention names. This is driving me nuts! It's obvious she's in love with you and I think she's too blind to see that love is reciprocated. I think that the thing stopping her is the deep fear that comitting to expressing that love directly is going to kill the friendship and possibly drive you away from her. Please, please don't make the mistake that I almost did. Don't let the opportunity infront of you slip away because you're too worried that she's going to be scared off by what you feel for her.

She loves you for who you are, she always has! Gods only know how rare that is in this life. Grab a hold of that love and hold on to it for everything you can, because it is exactly the same kind of love that's between my husband and I. I can tell you right now, that love has kept me alive when I was so depressed I was on the verge of killing myself. It has sustained me in my darkest hours and I thank the gods for the kindness that has granted me to have that love in my life. Loving from a distance is a living hell, especially when there is that kind of soul wrenching force of emotion there burning inside you.

I'm infatuated. I lust. I'll admit, I may obsess a little at times. But it was obvious to me when I saw the two of you together, no one on this Earth could hold a candle to her in your eyes. Love like that is sacred. It is blessed and you need to seize it before life slips it away from you. Our lives are too ephemeral, too short... They aren't enough to contain that potential indefinately or to hold that kind of blessing in waiting.

Why have my readings for you been just strange and confusing on this front, because you're looking at all of the paths except for the one that you're on. This isn't something that you're supposed to fight. The more you fight it the more miserable you become until you either give in, are forced into it, or you are destroyed. I've seen people fight their life path and I've seen them destroyed by it. Good things came to them but they refused them because they didn't come in the package they thought they were supposed to. Genuine and wonderful things came into their lives, but they were pushed aside as trivial because they were familiar.

Please, for the love of anything you hold sacred, don't make that mistake.