Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Happy Birthday!

The person who's birthday is today will get the joke. :)

random stupidity from the internet.

I'm taking a break from packing and I've just got to post this because it made me crack up...

When Vin Diesel put on the One Ring, the Nazgul just said, "Fuck it."

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Worst Wannabe Italian Restaurant Ever!

Restaurant: Biaggi's

Service: Excellent.

Wine: Ok. (They had my favorite wine, so I can't really mark 'em down for that and the selection of others was pretty good. Not too pricey either.)

Bread: Good/Ok. (The garlic bread was actually focaccia and rather excellent. There just wasn't enough of it in my opinion. The remainder of the bread basket was made up of what was untoasted bread for bruchetta. Not terribly tasty or exciting.)

Food: Terrible. I had a ceasar salad, the fettuccini with lobster, and a slice of their lemon tower cake.

The ceasar salad was passable at best. I don't know what is up with their house ceasar dressing but the flavor of anchovies overpowered the rest of the dressing. It would have almost been alright if it wasn't for the fact that their home made croutons consisted of toasted hunks of bread too big to bite easily and too hard to spear with a fork. On the plus side of the column, the lettuce wasn't wilted and they did put a generous serving of grated parmesan on top.

The fettuccini with lobster... well, that was a disaster of a mistake for me to order. One thing that I am is a pasta fanatic. I really do love well prepaired pasta and I enjoy trying new pasta dishes. I've had fettuccini before in various different dishes. Last I checked, it wasn't supposed to be like eating half dried out glue or a congealed block on the plate. The lobster... well, if I have food poisioning within the next 48 hours, we'll know the cause of it. I'm fairly sure that they use pre-cooked lobster, however. It was cold in the middle of the large peices and on the whole it was like eating torn up bits of a wet sponge that had been used to wash dishes that were once in contact with some sort of seafood.

The only redeeming part of this dish was the mushrooms tasted like mushrooms. They didn't go so far as to use the portabella mushrooms or even the baby 'bella ones. Nope, these were sauteed cheapie generic white mushrooms. I think, however, the most disappointing part of the dish was the alfredo sauce. Alfreado sauce is supposed to have some vauge resembelance of flavor, isn't it? This stuff didn't have any hint of flavor at all. The sauce was incredibly thin and I suspect not properly made to begin with. I figure this is another pre-cooked item and they probably poured it out of a jar. Even so, if I wanted my sauce to be thin, I'd just have told them to drizzel cream over it all. That'd even be thicker then the sauce that I had on my pasta, which was cold when the plate came out.

The lemon tower cake, thank the gods, wasn't a complete loss after the main entree of the night. The frosting was a butter cream frosting with far too much butter in it with an ungodly amount of whipped cream on the side. The cake itself, however, was excellent. This almost made up for the failure that was the rest of the meal. I suppose I was spoiled as a child by my Great-Aunt Eileen and her cakes. When you have real Italian lemon cake, however, you can't go back to this wet-sponge sawdust flavored monstrosity that is generally supposed to pass for an Italian lemon cake.

I did have a little demitasse of expresso. I was plesantly surprised that they got that right as well.

Seriously, it took everything I had in me not to demand that the manager bring out the cook so that I could upbraid both of them. The presentation of the food was lacking. This was compounded by the fact that it was generally unplatable. I think the only saving grace of the night was the excellent service of the wait staff. They were prompt and courteous. We left a generous tip for that because we really appreciated it. It made what could have been a nightmarish experience bearable.

Now, one may be wondering why I'd upbraid the manager and the cook. The manager would get it because I'm fairly sure the man would have taken offense to my reaction to the food. And I know the cook would have been embaressed and offended when I plainly laid out just how everything was screwed up. This place bragged that they had an excellent cook. They failed to back up that claim. When a farm girl from the middle of nowhere in Upstate NY knows how to make a better veal parmesan then a graduate of a culinary insitute, I think it's appropriate to light a few fires under a few asses.

I didn't, however, because I didn't want to embaress my husband as we were out to celebrate his birthday. The poor man was in the same boat I was in and too polite to rake 'em over the open coals either. At least his cup of coffee was decent and his chocolate cake was good.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


I'm getting tired of packing. I'm getting close to being finished, thank goodness. All the same, however, this is tiring. Here's hoping the rest of the packing goes quickly. I'm also hoping that cleaning up this apartment here isn't going to be too much of a headache. :P I'm also not exactly looking forward to scrubbing the place we're moving into. Now, one may ask, why on earth am I going to be cleaning the new place up when we haven't even been there to make a mess in there yet?

It's fairly simple. My mother taught me to do so on the off chance that something may be not quite right with the place when you go to move in. Cleaning everything up gives you the opportunity to check everything over even as you're scrubbing. The same is true for cleaning up the apartment before you move out. It make it easier to find any damages that you may have accidentally caused and repair them. I'll be honest, I hope that the landlord doesn't tell us that he wants us to repaint the walls and patch up the holes from the nails holding up pictures. I rather dread the amount of work that goes into that.

On to a different topic: my son decided to get up on his hands and knees today. He was rocking back and forth on them in his crib almost running the crib into the wall. I think he's going to begin real crawling any day now. Goddess help me, but I honestly don't know if it's safe for him to do so with the apartment like it is right now. :P

I'd add more but it's growing late at night and I've a few more things to take care of before I go to bed. Like finding my side of the bed under my laundry. :P

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Well, I just got a giggle and I had to share!

So, I decide to do what any other person with access to the interwebz and a question that needs answered would do.. looked it up on Google. I followed a link and found among the gems of wisdom, complaints and frustrations voiced, and cute little statements by other mothers the following. It made me crack up!

My daughter has just mastered Italian and French! Tonight she is preparing lobster bisque and some hand made gnocchi, (those little hands are perfect for rolling) and creme brulee for dessert. She turned 9 mo. yesterday and is absolutely better than all other babies out there.
This was a wonderful laugh and I had to share it with anyone who'd read it on my blog. :)

In a mood, perhaps it's the full moon?

My little man's been in an odd mood today. He alternates between fussy and happily playing. He's been all about the bottles, but he then decides he's done with 'em after a little bit. The biggest bit of exasperation that I feel right now, however, is his behavior over food.

I love the fact that he wants to feed himself. It's messy, but he's learning and he's doing an ok job (who knows, maybe he'll decide to use the spoon at some point too!). Some of his food, however, is too 'mushy' for him to pick up and put into his mouth. So, he gets fed by spoon by Momma, because he refuses to put the spoon in his mouth himself. (No, I'm not pushing it. I don't want to deal with roughly a week of temper-tantrums. I'll wait until we're in our new place.) He is getting mad about that spoon business, though.

He hasn't cut his teeth yet, but he wants food to chew up and eat. That right there makes things a little difficult to begin with. On top of that, he refused his nap this morning and then took an extra long nap this afternoon. I don't know what to make of this. He needs to eat but he doesn't want to eat unless it's a thing he can chew. What on earth do I do? I can't just give him zweibeck toast and cheerios for his meals until those teeth come in! It's not nutritious or healthy.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

my mood...

I believe that it's well suited by the version of Toccatta and Fuge that is playing right now on the radio.

I can't really think of much more to say.

Decorating the kitchen & entry way.

I've finally got the opportunity to put up my blue and white curtains in the kitchen. The kitchen in our new apartment (they call it a townhouse, but I keep thinking apartment, does that make me a fool?) is woefully small compared to our current place. I'm still a bit giddy, however, because I love the idea of having those wonderful blue and white muslin curtains up in the window. We'll need to do something on the window that's to the front door, but I've enough fabric that I don't think it'll be a problem. I can whip up a fairly simple plain sheer white panel easily.

I don't think the management at the apartment complex is going to mind that terribly much. While the counter space is somewhat limited, it's actually quite good for the size of the kitchen. Right beside the kitchen is two closets. Apparently the larger one, that goes underneath the stairs up to the second floor (where the bedrooms and bathroom are) has been used in the past as a pantry of sorts. Looking in the space, I can turn it into a pretty nice pantry and storage area. If I play my cards right, I think I could even make it fairly easy to access the stored materials, despite how narrow the area is.

I'd like to put up on the door to the first closet, which is immediately across from the entry into the kitchen and right next to the front door, my little chalk board. On there, I can do things like put up my grocery list or the list of chores that needs done in a given day. I think it would do me a world of good. It is the door to the second closet that I'd like to turn into something useful and yet attractive. On the side that faces the inside of the closet, if I could, I would have a set of pockets, like a shoe bag. In there, I would put things like serving utensils that I don't typically need, an apron, hot mitts, and perhaps a few napkins and a table cloth.

The outside of the closet door, I would love to have something wonderfully useful and beautiful to look at. I don't like the thought of nothing but pockets on the outside of it. I want it to work with the living room area, though. That's moving away, however, from the kitchen. I just love the blue and white themes that I had in my old apartment before I got married. If I can, I'd like to put it to work in the kitchen again. Fortunately, my husband also liked that theme, a lot!

Hmm... so what do I do in the baby's room? (2)

I think I will put the circus/jungle/rain forest/zoo animal theme around his bed. We may as well work the fish concept in, as one of his new favorite toys is a fish themed thing for in his crib. It's kind of like a kick-n-play, it's the Ocean Wonders Musical Activity Mirror. At his crib, we've also got the rain forest themed mobile and a beautiful baby quilt with safari animals. I think we may need to surrender to the rain forest concept here, because that's the only way I see to work in the fish. After all, fish live in the rivers that are in the rain-forest, right?

If we were able to do murals or some other wall art, like the really nifty stencils out there, I'd put a little 'river' with palm trees on either side of it in the part of the room we are going to be putting the crib. As it stands, however, I need to think of something different to do there. I don't think I'm going to be making a wall hanging. I will be framing a little printed picture (well, actually an adorable gift bag) with a bunch of zoo animals on it and putting it up on the wall. I may draw or paint a large rain forest picture with the elements of the animals and fish together in it. This can then go up in that area. Perhaps I'll locate a little throw rug to put down beside the crib with the animals on it. I don't know.

We've got a small problem, however, with the teddy bear army. The teddy bears are of pretty much every size, shape, and about three different colors. There also is a blanket that I embroidered with teddy bears of all colors on it. Confining them to a basket isn't exactly the best idea because it doesn't do much for the beautification of the room. This said, I'm not entirely enthusiastic with the idea of making it difficult for him to access his toys either. My mother and my sister-in-law have both suggested rotating what toys are available. I really do like that concept. But how do I do this with the teddy bears?

I suppose the toy hammock is my friend in this case. We can put the toys he is not using in the hammock and put the toys that he would be using in the baskets on the baker's rack. I'd be remiss in saying that we have several baby blankets. There's quite a few beautiful handmade or other wise sentimental blankets that have been given to our little boy. He can't possibly use them all. I'm at a loss, however, for what to do with them. I suspect that they'll either be stacked in a neatly folded pile on the rack or put into a box in the closet. The embroidered teddy bear blanket and the crochet blanket that I made for him I don't exactly want to put into storage. But I don't really want to put the other blankets into storage. I suppose the baker's rack with them it is.

I've several wicker baskets that I can use on that baker's rack. I realize that I need to secure the rack to the wall so it doesn't get pulled down on top of my little darling, but I have a fleeting worry about the baskets I'll be putting on the rack. The lowest level of the rack is a large open space. I'll be putting the largest baskets there with his toys in them. The middle rack is about hip height on me and won't be entirely out of reach once this child starts walking. On there, I think I'll want to do something for holding some of his shoes and hats, as well as perhaps some of his books. If I make a fabric cushion that ties to the rack, perhaps it would work to keep things from falling thru the openings in it, and then I could store his books on there. I've got to admit, it would make life alot easier to do it that way.

I really like the shoe bags and the little canvas sweater holders that people have in their closets. It's had me considering making one of these for additional storage space in the closet. I think it could make keeping his diapers and the refills for the diaper wipes easier to deal with. We purchase those things in bulk and tend to have quite a few of them kicking around here at any given time. At the same time, I love the appeal of having those sturdy shelves that you can put up with those 'storage systems'. It's a tough debate. I suppose I should look at what the budget says we can do on that front and look at the space we've got to work with a bit better.

Hmm... so what do I do in the baby's room? (1)

Themes, themes, themes. The devil truly is in the details on this one. We've got a lot of stuff so far with just about every imaginable kind of animal (or so it feels). We tried for a somewhat unified theme of zoo animals but the split is between circus animals, jungle/rain-forest animals, and fish. We've got a pretty healthy representation of the Winnie-The-Pooh inspired toys and teddy bears as well.

There's a little Winnie-The-Pooh music box contraption that the boy loves to look at while he's getting changed. If we make the changing table area a Winnie-The-Pooh area, I think it will work somewhat well to contain some of that pastel and confectionery sugared material. We can hope, at least. Now, if the management at the apartment complex we're moving into says ok, I think I want to put up a few shelves on the wall above the changing table. I've a few reasons for this idea. First, I would really love to have a place to store some of this boy's toys that he doesn't use. Secondly, I'd be a lot more comfortable with the stuff for giving him a bath and all of that were in one location. As we will be a little bit pressed for space still in the bathroom, I know that we can't store all of it in there.

I've been having the thought of hanging his Winnie-The-Pooh blanket on the side of the changing table tickle at my brain for a little while now. I really don't know, however. If we orient the changing table so that the part that's not cosmeticly pleasing is against the wall, it opens up the shelves for him to ransack at any time. If the blanket is hung on the changing table, however, it makes for something he can grab and possibly pull the whole thing down on himself. Not good would be an understatement for that one, folks. So, what am I going to do with this? It's too nice of a blankie and it would really be inconsiderate of the meaning to it for me to turn it into a mat to be on the floor where I'd stand when I change him. Sure, it's theoretically possible, but it's a waste of a beautiful plush blankie.

We've got fantastic jungle/rain-forest/circus themed toys. This was the orginal theme that I wanted for the boy's room. His father just asked that it not be hideous and shared my distaste for the "baby = pastel" trend. So, I'd like to take the majority of the room and use this brightly colored theme. At the same time, however, we've got a small army of teddy bears to contend with. I am planning on using a wire baker's rack in the room for some storage space. I've some muslin lined wicker baskets that I think would make fantastic containers for holding some of his toys and books. I also think that it would be a wonderful way to put away his shoes and hats.

If it were possible, I'd use all of the potential themes as we have them. I don't know, however, if the room would look good with it being divided up by the different themes. As I consider it, I suppose it could be alright. The room is fairly large.

Wait... moving means decorating, doesn't it?

It occurred to me earlier as I was picking up the baby's toys off of the living room floor, he's going to have his own room. This means I can finally decorate with that animals theme we've got going! I'm not sure if I'll be able to find prints of pictures like this:

But it'd be pretty awesome if I could. :) I've realized that I need to make or buy curtains for his room and I think it may also be necessary for there to be a few things like shelves put up in the room as well. As I think about it, I realize that it could be pretty awesome in there with out an insane amount of work. Fortunately, I've got yards upon yards of fabric I can use.

While the landlord of our new apartment doesn't want us to put up wallpaper or repaint the walls, we can hang pictures. I need to check and make sure that putting up shelves isn't a problem. If not, then I can do things like make a few shelf liners that go along with the animal/jungle theme that we've got going on. I know that the living room is going to keep some of the Asian theme that we've had in here. I want to make things kid friendly, though, and incorporate some of that theme from the boy's room in there. I've been thinking about it and I'm just at something of a loss at the moment.

Perhaps if I try to arrange for a small 'downstairs' toybox or something else akin... Actually, I could make him a toy bin that could go with the open storage unit! If I either iron on or applique something Asian and animal related, it could work well. We've some carvings that my husband inherited from his maternal grandfather with a pheonix and a dragon on them. I'm pretty sure that I could put something on a red canvas bin with that on it. Our living room curtains are red and gold colored, with something of a brocade-ish pattern to them. It makes them blend somewhat well with the rest of the asian themed stuff. The wall art that we have up, however, is black fabric fans with painted birds on them in gold and a few other colors.

Hmm... I think I'm going to split this into different posts. I'll brainstorm here on my blog, giving all of you folks in the world something more plesant to read then my whining about local politics or how stressful moving could be.

Ugh. I hate packing.

On one hand, I'm thrilled that we've got our new place to be moving into. I think it's fantastic! At the same time, I hate packing because it depresses me. Looking around and seeing bare walls, empty shelves, and such makes me feel like my home has ceased to exist and I'm living in but a shelter.

Then, today, I feel the urge to smack myself silly because I feel this way as some friends of mine have no such things to be in boxes for them to trip over and curse when they stub their toe in the middle of the night. I'm torn between being depressed by seeing empty space where there was books, pictures, and other little things that catch the light and being angry with myself for feeling so upset.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Happy birthday, darling. :) (Yeah, it's early.)


Here is your cake!

Happy birthday! we love you!

Your Wife & Son

Thursday, May 15, 2008

What on earth is wrong with people?

Before you read this blog entry, read the item at this link here. Now, I have a very simple question. It's a question that I would love to have any person who works in law enforcement help me answer, especially if they're in New York State.

Is my picture of my son chewing on his toes after a bath that I posted on my blog child pornography?

Now, before you answer this, I have one more question to ask:

Am I responsible for the reaction that some one viewing my blog has to this picture?

With sex and sexuality, there's a really wide range of things that people find exciting. There is the distinct possibility that some one who views the picture of my son says "Wow, that's hot!" and then engages in a bit of masturbation. I really don't see any form of logic that can hold me responsible for the reactions of others to this photo either because there's a few monstrously huge holes in the logic that some one would attempt to use here to argue this is child porn.

The logical test for culpability asks a few simple questions:
1. Did you know the outcome was going to happen?
2. Did you intend for the outcome to occur?
3. Could you have prevented the outcome from happening?
4. Did you cause the outcome to occur by actions or inaction on my part?

Well, if you apply this logic test to the question of some one using the picture of my son as inspiration for masturbation, what do you get?

1. Did I know that some one was going to use this picture as inspiration for masturbation?

I did not know that was going to happen. I recognized it as a possibility at the time I posted the picture, but determined it to be of a low probability of occurring.

2. Did I intend for some one to use this picture for that purpose?

No, my intention was not for this to occur, but rather to show accomplishments my son has made.

3. Could I have prevented some one from using this picture for that purpose?

Yes, if I had not made the picture available for the public to view.

4. Did I cause some one to use this picture for inspiration for masturbation by actions or inaction on my part?

No. This action was done on the part of the individual viewing the picture. I have no control over the decisions they make at any given time, as I do not have the capacity to force another person to act in any fashion when I am not in their presence or have sufficient leverage (be it real or perceived) to force them to choose a given course of action.

Now, perhaps some one may go so far as to say that any picture involving the nudity of a child qualifies as child porn when it is available for view within the public setting. If this is the decision that the law intends to make, all ads featuring naked babies need to be eliminated, the vast majority of classical paintings showing Jesus nude need to be locked away, and each and every other occurrence of child nudity needs to be removed. If you think about it, it turns into a rather ridiculous list. It ranges from ads for diapers to classical paintings, to stamps, all depictions of Cupid, and much, much more.

We also need to consider one other thing, just who is the arbiter of how a child is raised? Is the responsibility for the rearing of a child the domain of the parents or of the public? Once the government begins to dictate how I raise my child, they are stripping my child of privacy. No, that doesn't say it quite right...

It turns my child into public property. Until my child is of legal majority, it turns my child into as much an item of public property as the highway you drive your car on. What is worse in your mind? Is it worse for me to have a few pictures of my son just out of the bath chewing on his toes here on my blog or the precedent that my son is chattel? By the way, it doesn't just say that my son is chattel, but also would say that I and each and every other citizen is chattel. I am not a slave and I am not a serf. My liberty is not tied to the amount of debt I owe to anyone, thus I am not an indentured servant. For the law to establish that my son, a natural born citizen of this nation, is common property, is to deprive him of his liberty.

Men have fought and died for such rights to be preserved for their children. To disgrace the nation founded by these men by a few strokes of a pen and pat words about how it's for the 'sake of the children' is disgusting.

And people wonder why I am so disappointed by the government that we have and it's repeated refusal to do the right thing?

A Room of His Own

I've got to admit, I chuckled when I first heard the term 'man room' and 'man cave'. Now, I'm amused to see this item linked on the CNN main page. I am not laughing at the men who have taken it upon themselves to do this. I'm not laughing at that at all. It's the fact that such a simple thing is getting so much attention. I've been somewhat halfhearted about following this, but CNN has been spending a little time on this 'man cave' concept. It's a soft-news item that's actually been getting a fair amount of attention.

Here's what my thoughts are on a 'man room' (or it's brother concept the 'man cave'):

Everyone needs a space where they can go and lay claim on it as their own exclusive domain. When you live together, you find that you have times where you just need to get away from the other people who you are sharing that space with. A few generations back, that 'man room' was the den. Women generally had reign over the rest of the house as they were there more often and actively in charge of domestic affairs. Virginia Woolf pointed out that women also needed a private space, but I can't recall if there was any real social change effected, unless the parlor, which was generally used for entertaining guests, was used for that purpose.

To everyone who insists that it is insensitive of a man to demand breathing space and something of a sanctuary of his own within his home, you're all fools. What on earth is he supposed to do? If he wants to relax and have time just to himself is he supposed to go sit in the car? Are we denying people the comfort and respite of their homes because all of the space is to be shared?Let the men have their 'man room' and let women have their own special room. If it's possible to make happen, do it. If you can't, then make a section of a room that person's sole domain.

It may drive you crazy and irritate the living daylights out of you to have that picture of dogs playing poker up on the wall there. It may even make you mad how he leaves candy wrappers on his desk and that you can never find anything there. That, however, is his problem. Let him have his own space and privacy. It shows respect for the man in your life. Taking time like that allows him the opportunity to 'recharge' and bring more of himself back to the relationship. It's healthy.

I recognize, healthy isn't popular. Perhaps it's time to buck the trend and do what's best for your well being, folks, because I think things like this are the reason why my marriage is healthy.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Restless thoughts.

Sometimes, when everything is quiet, I feel unsettled. Sometimes, it's as though there are things inside my head vying to get out, but writing and artistic efforts never are quite enough. It once was that writing helped and I could just pour this all out on the page. It did work at one point in time, and the lives that I lived inside my head just were translated to written word and didn't seem to cause so much pressure.

I was happier when I was younger, in some ways, because I didn't censor it. I didn't struggle to keep it all inside and make it still. Daydreams weren't exactly a bad thing, even if I was trying to get things done. It was acceptable for me to have flights of fancy, because I was a child. It made it easier to cope with the disparate things that were inside my mind. Stories that I wrote were just wearing a different mask and putting the things attached to it down on paper.

Recently, I thought... I thought that it would be terrifying if I were to have been laboring under the effects of MPD for all these years with out any diagnosis. All those things I kept quiet and bottled up inside me as best I could. Those thoughts that ranged from contemplating murders to actually seeing myself in a different place, a different life. I kept those things quiet and inside my head unless I expressed them on paper. Then, as I began to learn about MPD, I discovered that really wasn't my situation.

It could perhaps work, in some fashion or way, to expunge the build up of tension and stress in me to do so, but I would lose something in the process. I'll deal with the whispers inside my head until I need to experience a splitting or a break like that. I came close to needing it, but I managed to pull thru without it some how. I don't know where I am on the path of owning and mastering myself, but I don't believe that allowing myself to shatter like that will serve me well.

For some people, such a sundering of themselves works quite well. They find it to be a source of empowerment and liberation. I believe that I need to find my empowerment and liberation elsewhere. Until I am at a place where I don't wake up in the morning afraid that all that is good in my life is either a lie or going to be swept away by a capricious and sadistic act of God, I will continue with my mantra regarding pain.
  • What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
  • Thru pain, I am purified.
  • I am stronger then fear, misery, or pain.
  • My will shall prove greater then any emotion that comes over me.
Sure, this isn't exactly comforting and it's hard as hell to remember. It is, however, what I have learned thru my life thus far.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Thoughts on Love.

I blogged a bit about this at one point a while back into the past, I think. If I've covered this ground already, I apologize if I bore you by doing so again.

Love is a funny thing. It can inspire wonders and things of great beauty. It can inspire horrors and things of great tragedy. Love truly is a powerful emotion, perhaps almost enough to call a force of nature. I'm not sure, as I don't know how the minds of other creatures work to say if the love or love as we humans do. It's hard enough to determine if other people love, so I'm not going to attempt to move beyond my species to understand that. And we're not even touching any theological elements, look at my other blog for that line of thought please. :)

I can't exactly do anything in half measures. Love is one of them. And I've come to recognize that we can't exactly control our emotions very well. If we're going to feel something, we can control how we respond to it and how we act with respect to the feeling, but we can't generally turn that off. Love as a very powerful emotion, is particularly difficult to mute or step away from and act with any sense of reason when you are caught in the grips of it's full force.

All of this said, we need to always remember that we can not control who or how our heart loves. I struggled with that for years. Then... somewhere along the way I realized that I was doing myself an enormous disservice and denying a huge part of myself.

It's somewhat terrifying to realize just how deeply this part of me touches the rest of my life. It is perhaps equally terrifying to realize that all those years of attempting to deny my capacity to love beyond the typical relationships of family and spouse, I was struggling to choke out something that is such an essential part of who I am.

I do love my friends as my family. There are people whom I hold in affection as deep as that which I have for my husband. There are people whom I would die for and people whom, more importantly and more challenging, whom I would live for. I don't know if that makes me polyamorous. It's confusing. I do know that the people whom I love I am loyal to as the day is long.

This makes me extremely forgiving and tolerant in areas that I wouldn't usually be so. And when I finally am pushed to where I need to act, it hurts deeply. Right now, I am hurting deeply because I had to take action against someone whom I cared for a great deal. I feel betrayed, furious, and wounded by the progression of years of mistreatment from that person. It has been quite a while since I had to distance myself, but it still hurts quite a bit. The thing that hurts the most right now, however, is realizing that they never did love me in return. And, as I work on packing up things in my home, I stumble onto items that were from that person and that served as a reminder of my affection for them.

I still do love them. But I know I can not be around them, because they have hurt me in the past and will do so in the future. This is so different from the other person who I was beginning to feel something of a deep affection for and then they hurt me. That person, I've been able to cleanly break that tie. But... the person whom I loved for years and had hurt me and broken my heart over those years... I don't know how to break that tie cleanly and I don't know what would serve to cauterize this wound.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008


I want to sleep but I want to get stuff done.

Isn't it always this way? :P

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Sleep has not been my friend of late.

I have been having strange nightmares, like the one I posted on my other blog, pretty much every night. Sometimes, I don't have a nightmare. But, that's been the exception rather then the rule over the last month and I'm getting sick of it. It seems like every day, I have a headache and I'm tired from a poor nights sleep. When night comes, I dread falling asleep, so I've recently been staying up. Going to bed at 1 am doesn't exactly make for a good morning when my boy wakes up at 7 am or even 6:30 am.

I don't remember these nightmares that clearly, but I thought with the search and drama surrounding locating a new apartment resolved, I may have my nightmares go away. I was wrong. So, now, I don't know what to do. The nights where I take something to help me fall asleep, I don't generally remember the nightmares. I just wake feeling uneasy. It's getting harder for me to fall asleep, this is part of the reason why I stay up as well. The slightest noise wakes me up and if there's just a little bit of light, I can't fall asleep. It was bothering me to such an extent that I unplugged my alarm clock because it's too bright.

I've been using a "sleep mask" and it helps, sort of. Earplugs have never done me much good, they just don't stay in my ears. So, I toss and turn a fair amount before I do finally fall asleep. I'm at something of a loss for what to do about this. I don't exactly want to talk to my doctor about it because I'm pretty sure that all of this is anxiety related. For some odd reason, I just can't stop worrying about money. We've got enough to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, so it's not that we're hurting. Sure, we can't go spend it like we did before the baby came along, but that's part of what we knew was going to happen when I got pregnant. We were prepared for that. Or at least, I thought that I was.

Now... Now, I don't know what my issue is. Perhaps I need to stop watching the news so much. Perhaps I need to stop talking to my folks about money, as they're getting into another paranoid fit again. It's not like I am convinced that the economy is going to fail tomorrow. And if it did, sitting on a pile of money isn't going to do us any good. After all, when the Deutchmark failed back before WWII, it took a wheelbarrow full of money to buy a loaf of bread. I find myself wondering how much of this fiscal trouble that we're seeing is caused by the media freaking out over it. At the same time, however, I recognize that we didn't do our economy any good by shifting away from being based in real goods and manufacturing. A service based economy and a trade deficit isn't going to really help you build wealth unless you're at the top of the pyramid. Because I think that the whole service based economy is alot like a pyramid scheme.

The whole system sucks, and I'm working in that sector right now. I don't know if I'm a fool or not. I think I'm going to just stop rambling for now and go wash dishes. That's a real, concrete problem for me to deal with. And after that, I'll wash my hair while I've got a little peace and quiet before the boy is up from his nap. Perhaps, with luck, I won't feel quite so anxious later.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Images speak louder then words, in this case.

View this prior to reading this post.

Before you click that link, let me warn you, it's Amnesty International's newest anti-torture advertisement. It's NSFW and graphic.

I've got a problem with torture being used to get information out of people. I've got a big problem with the fact that my government, the United States of America, is currently engaged in it. I recognize, Amnesty International is appealing to the emotions of the viewer with the format and setup of this commercial. I can't however, say that this should be discredited because of that or that it should be discredited because it is not a depiction of an actual waterboarding session.

As a BDSM aficionado, I realize that waterboarding has been around for a while. I recognize that in some contexts, this and other torture techniques can be used in a non-injurious fashion. So, the question is not if the practice of waterboarding itself is abhorrent. It's a question as to if torture as a mode of interrogation is abhorrent. I think one can add also the question if torture used as a punitive measure is abhorrent as well.

Perhaps because I am not an expert, or some how otherwise well placed to say with any authority on the topic, my stance here is going to be disregarded. Perhaps, I'm sad to say, my stance would have been ignored anyways. After all, I am but one person in a nation of many and I am in the middle-lower end of the economic spectrum. We all know "he who has the gold rules" and such. All of this said, I still have to say my piece, again, on this topic.

Torture is wrong as a punitive measure and as a mode of interrogation. If it were consensual and all parties involved were willing participants in all stages of the planning and enactment, with provisions made for the care of any accidental injury, this entire situation would be different. Safety, however, is not a primary concern when torture is applied as a punishment or as a tool to pry information out of someone. And I am quite sure that all parties are not consensually involved in the planning or enactment of this, especially the subject of the action.

There's alot of reasons why I can describe as to how torture is wrong to use for these instances. I've gone over them in the past, as well as the emotional appeal against torture. I can't say anything more then the images of that video I've linked to, however. And I doubt that my meager words fail to convey the injustice of this practice used as a punishment or tool of coercion when they're compared to the sound of the scene at 1min 9 sec.

If this is the sound of a man who consensually entered into this situation, assured of his safety and knowing that this was the extent of what would occur; what of the one who is subjected to this under duress and doesn't know if he is going to be drowned or if something worse is going to happen when they finish?

Spread the link, make people aware of it and ask the question:

Why are we condoning this with our silence?

from the interwebz...

i'm bored... so sue me.

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