Well, where do I begin? I haven't really been terribly active of late. I try to get my walks in, but as things have progressed over the last month or so, my walks become shorter and shorter. Swollen feet and ankles don't exactly help a person take a two mile walk or even a quarter mile walk. I've been feeling kinda bummed today, actually for the past few days. The reasons are fairly simple and I feel rather annoyed with myself over them.
I'm nervous as hell that this baby shower that's being thrown for me by my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law is going to come out like the bridal shower did. I was painfully bored and I was offended deeply by my paternal grandmother's antics. Maybe it's just me, but it's kinda offensive to be giving some one a copy of Etiquette for Dummies. I'm dreading the idea of her deciding to give me a copy of Parenting for Dummies because she's ticked off by the fact that she wasn't involved in the planning of the baby shower or some other thing. I feel badly that I don't really want to go to this thing, because I'm expecting the worst possible things to happen.
I feel like my family doesn't generally give a damn about me. Mom calls me and checks up on me at times. I know that my brothers care and so do their families. The rest of 'em... well, they don't take the time to call me or try to see me. And yet I'm supposed to believe that they care, are interested in my well being, and I should be putting in the effort to go see them. It's rather ... stupid (to put it as lightly as I can). I hate to have to go and court the good favor of my relatives when things are generally good. To have to do so when I'm pregnant and the rest of the world seems to think that I should be receiving visitors and good wishes, well, it's rubbing salt in the wound. Especially when I've got neighbors and associates who assume that this is how life is for me, as it supposedly is for each woman that is pregnant.
I guess I can say that I feel depressed right now. It's not due to the fact that my hormones are a bit nuts right now. Or at least, I don't think that's the case. I feel hurt by the fact that I spend everyday home alone. Friends who said they'd call me from work never did. Family who said they were looking forward to visiting me when school was over, well, they don't show up. I've some other folks who have a knack for getting themselves into trouble and then call me to resolve it, people who I thought were my friends but are now showing that they're just using me.
In the midst of all of this, I've got some friends who I am trying to get a hold of but it just hasn't been working out right. Now, I'm scared that I've offended them or some how managed to push them away, so that the friendship is destroyed now. Never mind the fact that I had wanted them to come to my baby shower, but it's just not happening this summer. I got mad because I had assumed that my sister-in-law was being a flake (as per usual) and had put off planning the baby shower for months. I then find out that the gal was attempting to plan the shower with a mutual friend from high school, who had become pregnant recently. The delay in the shower was due to a combination of the friend's morning sickness making planning difficult and family chaos in my husband's family.
So, I feel mad at myself for being angry with my sister-in-law. At the same time, I'm mad at my sister-in-law because she didn't get a hold of my brother's wife (who according to theory was helping in the planning, but no one really talked to her, apparently). I've got so many different things that are bothering me and making me upset. I feel like I shouldn't be upset like this, like I should be one of those women who take everything that happens in their pregnancy with complete aplomb and navigates the situation with the best of 'em. I don't know if I have legitimate reasons to be upset.
I want to cry, scream, or just crawl into bed and hide from the world. I've been keeping a lot of the upset bottled up and it just kinda blurted out here. I'm sorry if I've disturbed you. I wasn't trying to, just trying to maybe help myself feel better. It doesn't seem to be working at the moment. I guess I will go crawl into bed and hide from the world. Sometimes, when the world feels like it's out to just make you feel like crap, the best thing to do is go take a nap.
My dear husband, I'm pretty sure that you're going to read this. I know that there's a lot of good that I've done recently and there's a lot of good on the way to us. I know that our baby is healthy and that's a huge blessing in and of itself. I know you love me and that you think that I am a competent woman. I just feel badly right now. Getting mentally prepared for the 'fun' of this weekend, well... it makes me feel like I need to force a smile and do my best to make everyone else happy, damn how I feel. It's just how it feels to me between how the last big party held in my "honor" went and how virtually every other party had gone in my family that was for me. It hurts to feel like this and I don't know what to do.
I'll do a happier post or at least a less upset one after I wake up from my nap.
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