I'm sitting here listening to the news/watching the news on the tv. I still can't manage to shake that feeling of anxiety. It looks like the tax return has come in, thank goodness. I figured that'd make me less nervous, but it hasn't. I'm just a bundle of anxiety today and I can't get over it. Yesterday's nervousness and anxiety hasn't gone away, though I've done what I could to refocus my attentions on other matters.
I've been torn with the desire to go curl up under a blanket and sleep, as I haven't slept well for several days now, and the desire to just sit down and cry. I've spent the day working on making a flyer to advertise my tarot reading business and cutting out stuff from magazines to use in making the collage that is this flyer. I've been trying to play with the baby, having made him laugh several times today. I even took a nap. But I can't get past this terror that something is horribly wrong with me because I can't handle going out and being around other people.
The worst thing is in all of this, I find myself struggling with some other fustration. I can't quiet the desire and/or hunger for rather harsh attention mingled with affection. It's ...
I don't know, it seems like that helps me to feel safe at times. Having the terrors ripped away from me by the immediate focus of what is happening just at that moment helps me to become calm. It helps because I know the illusion is the scene, the pain and fustration may be real but there is no harm. And... I'm not sure how to prhase it... It helps to have a place where it is safe to give up control and to let someone else handle everything for a moment. I worry so much about everything. I try to be as responsible as possible in handling all of the day to day concerns. To beable to take that burden off my shoulders and lay it aside for a moment, where my only worry is how I play the role before me, it's easier.
I feel like a fool for wanting it, though.
I don't know... It is so hard to focus sometimes and I just need help with that.
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