I'm not sure what to say.

I feel... well... sad, hurt, depressed... I don't know, perhaps heartbroken.

I really don't know what the correct way to describe this is. It just settled on me last night at about 10 or 11 pm. At about then, I decided that I was going to sew and maybe make myself something pretty. That didn't work out well because of the screwed up directions that I had to work with, but I gave it a shot. That feeling, however, grew stronger.

It's just more present now that I just got off the phone with my sister-in-law.

I recognize that part of this is because it strikes me as terrible to be watching how her marriage to my brother is falling apart because my brother wants to be a boy, not a man. When I think about all of that, and how my whole family is attempting to interfere and save the marriage and help them in some retarded fashion... Tragic is an understatement. As would be disgusting, I think.

Disgusting because I can't stand how people in my family feel the need to know everyone's business. I hate it. Yeah, privacy is good. I know, we're family and I should be able to share with you what ever I want. I know that you believe that you can ask me why I need your help and it's reasonable to expect me to tell you the story behind what the problem is. I wouldn't have quite so much of a problem with that if it wasn't for the fact that once that happens, there seems to be the intense desire to tell how one should run their life, raise their children, handle their finances, and such.

I think the biggest thing is I feel a crushing sense of disillusionment with my family.

Aside from that, I just want to sit down and cry.

I realize my hormones are going to be completely out of whack. Between the whole recovering from pregnancy thing (which I think by 7 1/2 months, I'm going to be fairly recovered) and having my hormones fairly fucked up to begin with due to PCOS, I'm going to have some mood swings and such. But, there is something different here to all of this that makes the mood changes based in hormones look like too simple of an answer.

I think it is fear of the financial difficulties growing around us. I think it is concern that these difficulties are going to affect our basic needs in a very large way. And I feel like all of my efforts to try to make things better just aren't working.

I mean, how hard is it that you're supposed to struggle before you get things on an even keel?