I have nothing catchy for a blog post title. Right now, I am not feeling confident in my writing skills. I am not depressed. I just want to make that clear. I just have been shaken by the last few months of active difficulty with my bipolar. I grew up in a household where I was told that no one wanted to listen to me 'whine' and that nobody was going to be interested in my troubles. I was told to shut up if I didn't have anything that my parents or brothers found interesting to say on a regular basis. I also had parents who didn't believe that mental illness was real. My depression issues were declared laziness. My anxiety issues were declared being dramatic. My posttraumatic stress disorder from an abusive relationship in high school was declared that I was simply 'nervous' whenever the guy's name came up. And, to make matters worse, my parents used my mental illness as a tool to control and manipulate me.
It was bad in that household. I have been working on reparenting myself. I have been working on treating myself with the compassion and kindness that I show my children. It's really hard to do that when you've been conditioned to think of yourself as worthless and that your value will either be a product of what you produce or the cost of the sum total of your body parts on the black market. Those thoughts have been in my head since I was about seven. It is ugly, but it is what I lived and for the longest time I had thought was just normal. Along with the passive self harm ideation that was always there at the back of my head.
With the med change, I don't have those thoughts. It feels weird. It's not bad. I don't really miss them, but it is strange not to have those things constantly running through the back of my mind. My anxiety is a lot lower, so I am not rehearsing arguments for forever, regardless if I'm going to even see the person that I keep rehearsing the argument for.
I have decided that I am going to make an effort to blog every day across the multiple blogs that I have. That's going to take some scheduling. Especially with the fact that in about two weeks the kids go on summer break. They're going to be doing summer session again this year. The goal is to keep them on track academically speaking and get them prepared for next year. Summer session lasts about a week and a half. The school will be providing transportation, which is a good thing because the time that they have to be at the school is the time that Beloved has to leave for work. Sometimes having only one vehicle sucks.
I honestly have no idea what I'm going to be writing. In this blog, it's pretty much anything at all. It isn't focused on my writing or something else like that. I may start talking about how my attempts at gardening are going. I was talking about giving up on gardening when I was really depressed. Now that I feel better, I am back at it. My mother-in-law gave me a bunch of white and green variegated hostas. I planted four beside the three solid green ones on the left hand side of the front stoop. I planted three on in the flower bed on the right hand side of the front stoop. They look pretty beat up but I think that they'll perk up with a little water and time.
Yesterday was a big gardening day. The kids helped me pull a bunch of weeds out of the flower bed on the right hand side of the front stoop (it gets the most sun). We clipped out some black walnut saplings and pulled up the oregano that was trying to take over the front yard. The Memorial Day Parade got cancelled but as we were working out in the front yard, I guess you could say that the parade came to us. The fire companies for our neighborhood and the town next door got together with a bunch of folks with vintage cars in the community and went rolling through the residential streets with lights and sirens going. I lost count the number of vintage cars there were. It was a really nice day out and I think that one person got the idea of joining the group as they rolled by and drove out of their garage to team up.
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