Being fully myself. (pt 1)

 I recognize that people are works in progress. We're always growing. I have hit a point where I realized that I don't have to be "normal" to be loved and accepted. I have come to see that I can embrace the goth style at 42 and it's ok. I realized that I was tired of trying to fit into that little tiny box of "normal". It was contributing to poor mental health, poor self image, and heaps of anxiety. So, my first step in being yet more authentic was to throw away "normal" (as I was raised to know it) and ask myself what would make me happy. 

I realized that I felt happy and more secure in myself dressing in all black. I got rid of the clothes that didn't fit me right. I got rid of the clothes that every time I looked at them, they reminded me of my mother. And I went out and bought myself three pairs of black jeans that fit me well. I bought myself three black t-shirts and a black t-shirt dress (which turned out to be a few inches shorter than I was comfortable with). This is the first step.

I'm still going to wear colors other than black. Obviously, if I happen to be going to a wedding, I will not show up in black because that's expressing disapproval of the union. But, I am going to invest in my wardrobe in a manner that I haven't done in about 20 years when I first had the freedom to do so. I am going to try to find some goth style dresses that fit me well, just because my sewing machine is still screwed up. (I still can't figure out how to get the tension right so that the thread from the needle picks up the thread from the bobbin.) I was a happy person when I discovered that the concept of 'rainbow goth' exists. That means I can express my love of colors and still wear goth styles.

I have decided that being happy is more important than what the opinions of what Beloved has taken to calling NPCs matter. (Non-player characters is a great way to describe all the random people out there who've just given me funny looks for walking around town with my red parasol. The encounter has no substance or relevance to my life. Hence NPCs.) Part of that being happy business is wearing accoutrements that make me feel secure and happy. That means taking some of the kink out of the bedroom. Because I accidentally discovered in on a bad day that wearing my collar makes me feel grounded in the present and gives me an emotional boost that lasts through the day. It's a comfort object as much as the teddy bear that I sleep with is. But, this is a portable comfort object that I can wear and it makes me feel good to wear it.

Sure, there's a little bit of 'hey, I feel pretty sexy' going on when I wear the collar. But the biggest thing is, I feel safe, loved, and happy when I wear it. Hell, it even helps me feel confident. Beloved is encouraging me to do this. He's all about what makes me feel safe, loved, and happy. The only question is what to wear around the 'normals'/NPCs who can be a problem. In this pic, I'm wearing the ribbon collar necklace that I made after reading Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel's Dart. It was inspired by a scene featuring the heroine of the story wearing a similar collar necklace with a large diamond on it. I found the concept of it so enchanting that I had to create something in homage to it. So far, the 'normals'/NPCs haven't batted an eye at it. So, that may be the thing I wear out of the house on days where I have to do official business and my collar would be a bit too much for the people I'm dealing with to handle.

Hell, I may wear the collar anyways. It depends on how I'm feeling. But, I'm going to stop this business of repressing myself because my parents taught me that goths and other 'freaks' are bad. I'm 42 not 12. I haven't spoken to my parents in almost ten years. The judgment of my parents and the rest of my family doesn't matter because we're estranged. If they passed me on the street, I don't think they'd recognize me anymore. I know that as I make my way through transforming my wardrobe in to something I am more comfortable with, they won't recognize me at all.