roses

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Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts

Monday, June 20, 2022

A struggle.

 I am going to ramble for a bit as I try to parse out the best decision to make right now regarding Keen. They've made changes to accommodate veteran advisors. They seem to be ok from what I'm seeing in the Advisor's Forum. I've been getting messages from clients (some new) asking when I'll be back. Keen's main appeal was the flexible schedule. Then they changed metrics so that advisors who are on longer tend to get a higher number of approval points. It makes it really hard for people who have to be part time like myself.

I got real angry when they made those changes to the metrics. I was just getting back to working with Keen when things went topsy-turvy. Now, they seem to be settling out and it looks like there is some interest in my returning. I just don't know if it is a good idea. I go and try to get clients with my limited skills at self promotion and nothing comes of it. I attempt to rely on Keen's promotion program and it's been very hit or miss if I make anything on a given day. With their acquisition of the European equivalent of Keen, I don't know if I am going to have a better shot at getting clients during my limited hours.

I really enjoyed doing readings on Keen. And I'm good at it. I take some pride in my work. It pained me to walk away from Keen and threw my schedule into chaos. This didn't help my mental state. It is still challenging to try to keep a schedule because I don't have that outside influence to help give a guideline. I don't exactly have a 'real' job to enforce my schedule. I see that Keen's getting greedy regarding money. That means I am going to have to raise my rates to keep up with the increasing overhead cost of having the account on there. I don't know if that's going to scare off clients.

The biggest struggle that I am having here is should I be focusing on Keen or my writing? I am stalled on my writing because my brain isn't behaving very well. Chronic insomnia for about a year makes it really difficult to focus. A thing that could be problematic for working on Keen too. I did some bibliomancy on it. I was advised to put aside my misgivings and tangled thoughts to focus on what I love. I'm torn, because I love doing tarot readings and helping people and I love writing. It's hard to find a way to do both.

Schedules are great when they work. But they are a problem when they don't work because you're continually playing catch up. I don't know. Maybe I'll give Keen a try today and see what happens. And when I'm not doing readings work on some off-line writing. Blog posts will probably have to wait for the evening, but I still have to plan what I'm going to do for the week. Last weekend was a bad brain weekend and I didn't get any planning or writing done. I didn't really get anything done because I spent so much time panicked that I was going to do everything wrong.

Friday, May 13, 2022

[insert witty title here]

 I am struggling with depression again. It is a never ending merry-go-round of suck. Start to feel ok and then I drop into depression because of situational bullshit. Or, start to feel ok and then I drop into depression because my brain chemistry is fucked. Either way, it's bullshit.

Book five of my fantasy series is out. The paperback got approved yesterday. I have yet to slap up links to it on social media and such. Honestly, I feel like I am going nowhere fast with my fantasy series. I am not going to give up, I'm just very frustrated that I can't seem to manage to find my audience. (Hence the dog pic.)

I'm going to shut down the adult fiction blog I have going and start actually publishing it under a pen name. I don't know if I am going to have to keep a blog for that pen name to keep readers interested or what. I just don't know. I don't have a solid plan in mind. I'm making shit up as I go along. I've been hesitant about attempting to sell adult fiction because I was convinced that I was real bad at writing it. But, upon consideration, I am a decent author whose narrative style is pretty dynamic (or so I've been told). And I've been doing research into this for about three years, maybe five. There's some really awful stuff on the market that sells fairly well. If I set my price low and focus on writing quality short stories, maybe I can make a few bucks like those people writing the bad stuff.

Because I keep struggling with mental health issues, I have been struggling to write pretty much anything. It's not helping me any. Some of the low confidence issues that I am having right now are due to a three year project falling apart. Some of the low confidence issues are because I keep having flashbacks and intrusive memories of my parents telling me that I wasn't ever going to be successful as an author. C-PTSD sucks.

My computer is acting suspicious. It isn't charging. I don't know if it is because I have been using it as a laptop and this is how it is conserving the battery or what's going on. Windows is pushing real hard for me to upgrade to Win 11 and get Windows360, their office suite. It's really annoying. I was ok with my Win 8 machine until it literally started having mechanical failure issues. I'm kinda concerned that this computer, which isn't a year old and is 3 days away from having the warranty lapse, is mechanically fucked up some how. Planned obsolescence is a thing. It makes me miss the clunky, big desktop computer that we had running for almost a decade.

I don't know what I'm going to do with this machine. I'm considering reupping the warranty. I'm considering taking it to the local computer fix-it shop and having them figure out why in hell this thing isn't charging. I know one thing, I'm not upgrading to Win 11 and I'm not getting their office suite. They're working on forcing everyone's data off their boxes and into the cloud, where they can hold it hostage for money. Fuck that noise. I will switch to a different operating system before I let those assholes have more of  my data than they already got. 

I mean, the system is still trying to get me to use a pic of myself to unlock the computer. I refuse to do it. Passwords are a thing. They're useful. And I don't trust Microsoft Corp. They've done enough shady things in the past, I am suspicious of the whole 'unlock your computer with a smile'. Also, it's creepy as fuck to have Friend Computer demand that I smile.

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

Looking over old posts.

 Looking over some old posts and noticing the ones with the highest reads are typically angry posts about bullshit that people in some group I've been involved with have pulled. I think I manage to stumble onto key words in my ranting and that's how I wind up with something like one hundred and eleven views on a single post. I also noticed that I was getting more traffic across all my blogs when I was posting more a few years ago when I wasn't having as severe problems with seasonal affective disorder and with my other brain issues.

This leads me to conclude that I should be posting more across all platforms. I just don't know what to write. I feel like my life is boring, depressing, and that no one is really going to be interested in the fact that I had the spoons to put a whole basket of laundry away today. I know what's going on here is that I internalized the bullshit that my mother spewed at me when the concept of blogging first came up: Nobody is going to want to read what you have to say.

That rattles around in my head a lot when I'm depressed. When I was younger and struggling with bouts of depression, I was regularly told to shut up when I asked for reassurance or even some understanding that I was struggling. I was regularly mocked in my home and at school for the outward symptoms of depression (i.e. evidence of poor self care, downcast expression, slow speech, etc.). When I attempted to do things that made me feel better (i.e. isolate from my toxic family members, spend time making art, writing poetry), I got the third degree. I was accused of taking drugs. My room got ransacked on a regular basis. They went through my journals when I started keeping them regularly (I didn't note which notebook was for what and carried the one that was my daily journal on my person almost all the time, so they didn't get into everything, but they tried). My randomized notebooks for poetry, fiction, and other writings made a half way decent method to secure the journal that was handling my life and inner thoughts. I also hid them in random places because of the fact that I had no privacy.

I digress, but who knows, maybe that'll pick me up a bunch of readers. I don't know what I'm doing. I just know that I need to write more. I've been writing more off line and that's getting a bit hairy. Exploring this plurality expression of trauma is creepy shit. I'm having trauma memories come up as I'm writing what feels like somebody else's memories being dictated to me by somebody in my head. Somebody that I don't know but knows me.

I just don't know what to write. Some of the therapy journaling stuff is horrific. Like being beaten for taking a single slice of cheese and accused of trying to starve my younger brothers. I don't think that stuff is quite appropriate to post on here just because it is distressing. If I do take the therapy writing online, which I tried a while back and then deleted after I got extremely anxious and uncomfortable, I will probably be doing it on a different blog.

I may post recipes on a weekly basis. I don't know. I'm not really cooking anything with variety now. There isn't the time and the kids won't eat it. Our menu has been fixed at:

Sunday: Pizza
Monday: Burgers
Tuesday: Tacos
Wednesday: Meatloaf and mashed potatoes
Thursday: Sandwiches
Friday: Fishsticks
Saturday: take out

We've been doing this for a few months now. I'm bored out of my skull. Lunches have been nothing but salads for me and sandwiches for the kids. Deviation from this norm gets the kids up in arms and kicks my anxiety about my carb load into gear. I can't have my favorite foods from the take out places. I've developed a shellfish allergy, so I can't even have my favorite soup once in a while (clam chowder). The stuff that I loved from the take out places are all too many carbs. This has Beloved and I resorting to scanning the nutritional facts about everything on a given restaurant's menu to try to find things. 

It's stuff like basic burgers. It's depressing. It's also very stressful when we go to the in-laws. My half-addled father in law either keeps forgetting I have diabetes or is trying to insult me by talking about food that I should try. It's equally bad with my sister-in-law. It's been three years now since my diagnosis. You'd figure that they'd recall. I don't know. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. I'm not ascribing malice to what could just be falliblity and/or stupidity. I'm just sick of it.

Anyways, old posts. They seem to get the most readership when I'm ranting and accidentally hit buzz words. I make a point to keep this blog separate from the other blogs that I have. I do my best not to cross-reference material. This is a more personal thing than the others. But sometimes it seems to bleed into them or vice versa.

Monday, September 13, 2021

C-PTSD inspired poem.

Born unwanted
Beaten but unbroken
Orphan by choice
Survivor by fate
The past casts long shadows
The wounds still bleed
Grimly, I move forward

Friday, July 09, 2021

Fuck social phobia.

 No flash fiction today. Just a rant about social phobia. This whole business of the ultra-conservative orthodox Filianic community coming out of the woodwork to take shots at the edition of the Clear Recital that I worked on is making my social phobia kick into overdrive. I'm hurt and upset because its coming from people who had previously been relatively pleasant and professional in their demeanor towards me. Now they're implying that I don't know a thing about the English language and basically saying the whole thing is a vanity attempt to garner more money. Never mind that every single dime that's come out of the book's purchase had gone directly into charity work and I am posting updates about that work. (My box for the preemie hats is about half full and I'm still working my way through the funky colored yarn. I've just slowed down because I'm trying to write a book at the same time.)

I know that I shouldn't read the comments, but I did and it felt like high school all over again. Fake friends and all that rot. It makes me reluctant to engage readers who have emailed me because I feel like it's a trap. Still, I have those emails sitting in my box waiting to be read and replied to. I am afraid that the book I'm working on now is going to get even more flack because it's for the Lokean community who tend to be part of the cult of personality surrounding Galina Krasskrova. I have issues with Krasskrova, big ones. She's a white supremacist and aspiring cult leader trying to get as many people to go along with her warped ideas as possible. When I encountered her at first about five years ago, I thought she was ok. She was putting on company manners. Then she started talking about shit like racial purity in Heathenry and stuff like that. She stopped short of spouting Nazi dog whistles. I've watched Krasskrova's followers destroy someone's career because they spoke up against her. Now I'm concerned that they're going to come after me.

I'm debating getting ahold of some old Disco contacts and seeing if they'd consider a raiding party. It's like MysticWicks all over again, but on Facebook. I'm just not sure if they'd consider the idea because I dropped off their radar a while back due to some political infighting that basically got ugly and I was in the crossfire. I don't know what the best thing to do here is. Aside from finish the damn book.

Monday, June 14, 2021

Bees in bonnets, royalty checks, and paper packages tied up with string ...

 So, after a few weeks of contemplating and mulling over what response should be given to the attempted shredding of that religious text I spearheaded work on and carefully edited, I typed something up yesterday and posted it on my other blog. People are coming out of the woodwork on Twitter to voice their objections, which really is only proving my point. I'm not planning on responding to comments on the post or the Twitter link to the post. I did my best not to let on that I was offended by the implication that I was a simpleton who couldn't understand English. I did my best to make clear that the changes were to move the text so that it was easier to read and open it up to a larger audience. And I did my best to explain that the changes were made because I wanted it to be more accessible. 

I also explained that the gap between the Independent Filianic community and the Orthodox Filianic community is wide enough that there are things happening in each community that the other isn't aware of, and it's on them to go figure out what's happening in the Independent Filianic community because I'm not their spokesperson, leader, or figurehead. I also made clear that I took on the role of publishing and copywriting the text to preserve the anonymity of the others who were instrumental in this new version of the holy texts because I knew that it was going to piss off the whole Orthodox community. I explained that I was putting my proverbial shield between the people who helped create this new version and the haters because I had seen how ugly the internet could get. Unlike some of these gentle souls, I give zero fucks about what the Orthodox community thinks of me.

At first, I was upset. I confess, at first I did give a fuck about that. The person who tried to completely shred the work that took about half a year to clean up and fix (and implied that I didn't understand English) was someone I had some respect for and a semi-cordial working relationship with. I now realize that they were treating me with 'company manners' instead of being genuine. That kind of duplicity is shit I don't have time for. I'm not going to bother to respond to the comments. If they go so far as to directly contacting me, I may respond. Otherwise, I don't have time to deal with every person who is going to nitpick each word choice and such.

If they hate it so much, call it fanfiction and move on. I explained the role of copyright (which is a thing that people got highly offended by) and said if they didn't like what I and the team had done with the text, maybe they should have copywritten their work. They're pissed off because they don't have free immediate access to it via .pdf or something similar. And I don't care. If you want access, buy a copy. Then the book is yours to burn as you see fit. I've had work stolen and republished by book piracy sites via .pdf on self-publishing sites. I'm leery about slapping up a .pdf to go around the world. 

I've made good on my oath to take all proceeds from the work and put it towards charity. I'm not profiting at all off of this book. I'm taking the amount that I have raised with it out of the royalty check that came in the mail and using it to buy yarn for the preemie hats I've started making again. My goal is to make 100 preemie hats this year. The year before Covid-19 arrived on the scene, I had made 50. I didn't make any during 2020 because I was so busy with so much other stuff. So, to make up for the fact that I didn't make any last year, I set the goal of 100 hats. I have 3 done so far. I picked up the yarn last week.

I have decided that the Orthodox community being pissy is free advertising. I think it is part of the reason why all of my other books are selling. (Which is where the majority of the royalty check lies.) Maybe some of them will come around to see that what I've overseen is a good thing. Maybe they won't and they'll go back to lurking in their dark corners of the internet as the Independent community grows and gets more active. I was careful in my research to back up what others were presenting in sources tied to the Orthodox community. It's been entertaining to find links back to documents that would have supported things that we said leading to 404 errors. I suspect intellectual dishonesty and cowardice out of the parties responsible for removing those documents. I'm going to let all of this be judged by our actions.

For my part, I've presented two reasoned arguments for changes and refrained from name calling. I did put forth some questions like "If the Orthodox community is going to enforce an orthodox perspective, who determines what that perspective is? What about the plurality of perspectives within your own community? Who has the authority to dictate what is correct and where does that authority derive from?" I advised they should form their own version of the Council of Nicaea and hash it out before they start declaring us Independents to be mangling the holy texts and heretical.

I still feel the pull to be involved here. I still know that the goddess I oathed my service to decades ago is this goddess. I am still going to be writing texts and doing my best to give assistance to others who are struggling along their faith path (regardless of the fact they may not share mine). I know that I am doing the work that I have been called to. I have decided to let the politics happen on its own. That's Déa's business to worry about. I'll step into the mess when I see something obviously wrong (like the tolerance and encouragement of TERFs in the community). Otherwise, I'm just going to keep working like I did in the beginning, in relative silence and with my focus on the gods. My readers will find me as they did in the beginning and will spread the word to others, as they did in the beginning.

I'm not going to worry about community. I'm just going to write and do my thing. Writing to my audience was how I wound up in this block. I got tired and frustrated trying to predict what they were looking for. So, I'm going to stop doing that across all my blogs. I'm just going to write what seems logical, feels right, and/or is relevant to the topic of the day. I am not writing these books with the hope of making money. It was very nice to get a royalty check. It would be nice to get another one soon, but I'm not going to worry about it. I'm just going to produce the work and let the gods sort it out.

It is both liberating and disappointing to return to this position. I enjoyed the interplay between myself and others. It was a euphoric feeling to see my Twitter posts getting shared. I felt like I was making a difference and bringing some measure of light to the world through them. I know, now, that I am making a difference and bringing some measure of light to this world through my posts. But I don't need the feedback and popularity to do it. I can do it by just being myself and writing what I write. I had a brief moment of being one of the 'cool kids' and mistook it for acceptance. I realized, however, that it wasn't acceptance but my being used after they were so quick to turn on me the moment I stepped outside of their defined box.

I never said that I was an Orthodox Filianist. I have always said that I am an Independent one and one of the weirdest ones they're going to encounter. Apparently, they forgot that. So, all of their upset is really their own fault. I warned them at the beginning and reiterated it as I have gone along. So, I'm just going to keep doing my thing and trust that my audience will find me, like it did in the beginning.

Friday, June 04, 2021

Anxiety vs writing, round ???

 Between the conditioning that I got as a kid that my writing about anything occult/religious was going to get a highly negative (aka people trying to hurt me and my family) response and the negative response to the edition of the Clear Recital that I spearheaded, I've been anxious about my writing. I have been worried about a troll army descending on me and destroying everything I've worked for. I have been worrying about the prospect that in putting out that one book, I have lost my one steady market. Most of all, I have been afraid that my writing is, as the negative review and my insane mother described it, all vanity.

I'm not writing this stuff to try and make myself look important. I made the changes to the document based off of things revealed to other independent Filianists and the fact that the grammar was so awful that my kids (who are at a middle grade reading level) wouldn't be able to read it. I wanted to make the document more accessible to people. I am getting flamed for it and accused of not understanding English. It's made me angry and hurt because this came from someone that I had thought I had a good working relationship with.

I am trying to say 'fuck it, let the gods sort it out.' but that's not working so well because I have anxiety issues. They're ameliorated by my medications but they're still there. I am afraid that what I am going to write is going to result in an angry mob showing up and throwing bricks through my windows. It's awful. I go to write on my witchy blogs and I just freeze, questioning everything that I have to say.

It's like dealing with the mean girls from school all over again. While I don't have to worry about some one literally trying to light me on fire, it's triggering a lot of the trauma responses from all of that harassment. I know if I post this on the other blog, some wit will come back with 'if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.' It's hard. 

Wednesday, June 02, 2021

Unwelcome?

 It seems that I've become unwelcome in the Filianic/Déanic community for that work I spearheaded. One of the big names in the Orthodox community got a bee in their bonnet and basically roasted the whole work and declared the copyright protection of it as evidence that I was arrogant and not pious enough or something. The entire community has gone silent involving me. I used to be a bit more active, then I got sick and I was less active. But there was still some interplay going on. Now? Radio silence.

I'm finding myself reminded why I didn't like organized religion. I'm finding myself wondering why I even bothered getting involved with this mess. It was nice to have a community, while it lasted. I guess I am going to be writing in a dark corner and just basically shout into the void.

Tuesday, June 01, 2021

untitled post no. i + 2

 I have nothing catchy for a blog post title. Right now, I am not feeling confident in my writing skills. I am not depressed. I just want to make that clear. I just have been shaken by the last few months of active difficulty with my bipolar. I grew up in a household where I was told that no one wanted to listen to me 'whine' and that nobody was going to be interested in my troubles. I was told to shut up if I didn't have anything that my parents or brothers found interesting to say on a regular basis. I also had parents who didn't believe that mental illness was real. My depression issues were declared laziness. My anxiety issues were declared being dramatic. My posttraumatic stress disorder from an abusive relationship in high school was declared that I was simply 'nervous' whenever the guy's name came up. And, to make matters worse, my parents used my mental illness as a tool to control and manipulate me.

It was bad in that household. I have been working on reparenting myself. I have been working on treating myself with the compassion and kindness that I show my children. It's really hard to do that when you've been conditioned to think of yourself as worthless and that your value will either be a product of what you produce or the cost of the sum total of your body parts on the black market. Those thoughts have been in my head since I was about seven. It is ugly, but it is what I lived and for the longest time I had thought was just normal. Along with the passive self harm ideation that was always there at the back of my head.

With the med change, I don't have those thoughts. It feels weird. It's not bad. I don't really miss them, but it is strange not to have those things constantly running through the back of my mind. My anxiety is a lot lower, so I am not rehearsing arguments for forever, regardless if I'm going to even see the person that I keep rehearsing the argument for. 

I have decided that I am going to make an effort to blog every day across the multiple blogs that I have. That's going to take some scheduling. Especially with the fact that in about two weeks the kids go on summer break. They're going to be doing summer session again this year. The goal is to keep them on track academically speaking and get them prepared for next year. Summer session lasts about a week and a half. The school will be providing transportation, which is a good thing because the time that they have to be at the school is the time that Beloved has to leave for work. Sometimes having only one vehicle sucks.

I honestly have no idea what I'm going to be writing. In this blog, it's pretty much anything at all. It isn't focused on my writing or something else like that. I may start talking about how my attempts at gardening are going. I was talking about giving up on gardening when I was really depressed. Now that I feel better, I am back at it. My mother-in-law gave me a bunch of white and green variegated hostas. I planted four beside the three solid green ones on the left hand side of the front stoop. I planted three on in the flower bed on the right hand side of the front stoop. They look pretty beat up but I think that they'll perk up with a little water and time.

Yesterday was a big gardening day. The kids helped me pull a bunch of weeds out of the flower bed on the right hand side of the front stoop (it gets the most sun). We clipped out some black walnut saplings and pulled up the oregano that was trying to take over the front yard. The Memorial Day Parade got cancelled but as we were working out in the front yard, I guess you could say that the parade came to us. The fire companies for our neighborhood and the town next door got together with a bunch of folks with vintage cars in the community and went rolling through the residential streets with lights and sirens going. I lost count the number of vintage cars there were. It was a really nice day out and I think that one person got the idea of joining the group as they rolled by and drove out of their garage to team up.

Friday, February 12, 2021

I'm writing poetry again.

 After about five years of not writing poems on a regular basis, I've been writing poems again. I feel like most of them suck, but I am going to keep writing poems until I get back into shape again. I used to write a lot of poetry back in the day. I am going to attempt to do it on a daily basis. I'm trying to catch up on lost time because I am working towards a goal.

What might that goal be? Well, I'm attempting to have a small book of poetry done by the end of the year. The goal is to write love poems. I'm not there yet because I'm still relearning stuff aside from blank verse. I figure if I can manage to write a book of love poems and get it done by the end of the year, maybe I can hit some holiday sales with it. Long term planning is what's happening here.

The other reason why I'm writing poetry again is to get back to writing heroic style poetry so that I can add it into my novels. That is going to take a bit longer. Here's one I slapped up on Tumblr today that I feel is relatively decent.

https://ladybrythwensinclair.tumblr.com/post/642949497231638528/another-poem

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Camp NaNoWriMo status: not even begun.

April is a Camp NaNoWriMo month. I had planned on finishing the project that I had been working on last November during NaNoWriMo. I've been so busy with this home schooling stuff that I just have no spoons left at the end of the day to write much of anything. I'm somewhat despondent over this. I keep trying to summon the energy to write and it just isn't there.

Even short blog posts are hard. I feel like writing is pointless right now when there are countless people dying in mass due to COVID-19. I feel like writing is selfish because I have a house to keep and children to make sure are doing their school work. I feel like writing is bad because I have been triggered into this mindset that I had as a kid for a long time living under terrible emotional duress. This NYS on PAUSE has not been too great for my mental health. As such, it makes doing things for myself very hard.

I feel like I'm trapped in my parents house again. I feel like I'm a kid whose doing their best to model adult behaviors so that they don't get punished for failure despite the fact that I wasn't really getting good guidance on how to do that. I'm not having daily flashbacks to trauma. Yet. Depending on how things shake out with this social distancing and such, I may be dealing with that.

NaNoWriMo is very much an adult thing. I didn't even know it existed when I was a kid. If I had, I would have tried it and been mocked for it. It is upsetting that I didn't have the time to participate in Camp NaNoWriMo. I know that August's Camp NaNoWriMo is going to be shot. The kids will be out of school most certainly at that point in time. I'll be doing the same thing then that I am doing now, playing referee / attempting to come up with as many educational activities as I can to keep them from getting bored and fighting.

The bitter irony that my boys are making their own little books over the last two weeks sticks in my throat. I try not to think about it. I try to encourage them in their creative efforts. And I try not to resent the fact that I wasn't able to work on my own creative writing. I barely get time to journal. I haven't done any therapy oriented writing in the last two months because I just can't seem to get to it. My prayer journals are languishing. It's all a mess here and I am trying to find how to fit it into my daily routine which has dramatically changed to the point that I struggle to sneak in time to brush my teeth in the morning some days.

Gods help me, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Wednesday, January 22, 2020

Random Short story: June

There's an apartment complex in some nameless small town. Hidden away in the back corner is an apartment with a little old woman. She comes out to get her mail. She doesn't really talk with her neighbors. Every Sunday, she goes shopping with some church charity. These are the only times she's really seen - mail and shopping at the local grocery store.

If you were to step inside her apartment you'd find it almost claustrophobic, but organized. Furniture is a mishmash of different eras. The kitchenette is still in the style of the 1950s. A large radio that dates back to World War I crackles and hums even as it plays what you recognize from the local talk radio station. It is not plugged in.

Every chair and all along the back of the couch has the respective crochet antimacassar to protect the fabric from the hair of fashionable men. She sits at the Formica table with a steaming cup of tea, with what looks suspiciously like Belladonna flowers floating in it. Before her is a pack of cards. Perpetually, she plays Solitaire.

When you came in, you noticed sitting on that kitchenette counter is a cake stand with a perfect looking, photo worthy red velvet cake. Beside the cake stand are two plates, two forks, and a cleaver. The old woman didn't look up from her game when you entered.

As you draw closer, you realize the figures on the cards move like holographic images despite laying flat upon the table. She taps on the deck. In the static of the radio, you hear someone's voice begging you to get out. When she turns over the next card, you see yourself in her little kitchenette.

But, the old woman never goes out or talks to her neighbors. No one really knows how old she is. Some say she's been there since the place was built. Others say that there's something not quite right about her. No one visits. No one's been seen going in or out. The kinder neighbors say piteously that she's probably outlived her family.

The police came round. They had your picture, but it didn't move. It was just a regular picture. They knocked at her door and she opened a curtain to look out. They held up your picture and she shook her head before going back to her Solitaire game. Your card moves like a hologram even though it is flat on the table with the others. You're seen beating your fists against something in the foreground, like a window that one is looking through. In the static of the radio, your voice is begging her to let you go.

Saturday, November 09, 2019

NaBloPoMo 9


NaBloPoMo 8

Don't know what to write at the moment. Still stuck trying to figure out how to finish my damn manuscript. It is driving me bonkers.


Thursday, November 07, 2019

NaBloPoMo No. 6

I have hit 50k on my project for NaNoWriMo and I think I am about half finished with the story. I still have no idea what the hell I am doing. It's a fantasy novel based off of some fanfiction I've been writing. Now I have this debate, do I try to finish this novel or do I pick up another project and work on it. I am leaning towards finishing this novel. Because these characters are stuck in my head. Excerpt of what I'm working on beneath the jump.


Friday, October 25, 2019

The Umbrel Chronicles of Evandar is officially a series now!

I just put book four out for sale today. Here's the link to the page on my other blog where you can get copies of the entire series. I'm working on merchandise to go with the books. I have blank bookmarks that I'm going to decorate. I have a basket of jewelry that I can slap up for sale. I'm giving myself until midsummer 2020 to get that all sorted out. This way I can have random things like a small cookbook pdf and crochet or knitting patterns based off of characters and such. I figure if the guy I knew from the Facebook writer's group I was in could rope possible sales with merchandise, maybe I can too.

Thursday, October 24, 2019

Mr. Naalson and the Keeper


Naalson walked through the gateway of the prison. A shiver passed over him as the anguish of the imprisoned washed over him. In his own way, they were his brothers and he grieved their imprisonment, however necessary for the greater good. Naalson hated that expression 'the greater good'. It was one that was introduced by the Christians, if he recalled it correctly. That 'greater good' being the good for their distant god. Naalson flicked an invisible bit of lint off of his suit and waited as the guard waved a metal detector wand over him. It chirped as it passed over his wrists. Naalson pulled back his shirt sleeves to reveal the dead watch on his left wrist and the medical id bracelet on his right.
Sign in at the right,” the guard instructed in a bored tone. Naalson leaned over to peer at the names of the guards assigned at the door but they turned away before he could catch their names. The yellow painted brick had all the charm of a deeply infected wound's purulent drainage. Naalson half expected the smell underneath the scent of the industrial cleaner that had been used earlier in the day. He picked up a black pen with his left hand and signed his name; Naalson, Loptr. The guard looked up at him suspiciously. “What kind of name is Loptr?”
It's an old family name from my mother's side. We're Norwegian originating from the Jotunheimen region,” Naalson explained with an air of someone who had to explain his name far too many times. The guard nodded and said something about people always getting his name wrong too. “I'm here to see the warden,” Naalson said, shrugging up his sleeve a bit to glance at the watch face, “He is expecting me.” The guard gestured another one over to him.
Please see Mister.. uh.. Na.. Nel ..” The guard looked awkardly at Naalson.
It's pronounced Naal-son,” he said.
Oh, yes. Right. Got it. Please see Mister Naalson to Warden Schmitt's office,” the guard instructed his companion. The uniforms and the semi-military haircuts gave them an almost nondescript quality. Naalson noted, however, the one who let him in the door had black hair and a moustache with grey hairs beginning to show. He noted that the one lazing behind the desk was a red head like himself, just a lighter color and with less freckles. The guard walking infront of him had blond hair and ice blue eyes. He vaguely reminded Naalson of someone he knew once that died by misadventure with a sprig of mistletoe.
As they moved through the administrative offices portion of the prison, Naalson could practically hear the walls groan with despair. This, he concluded, was a cursed place. He rubbed his right wrist absentmindedly and wondered if he was going to find himself face to face with a snake. The warden's secretary looked up from a sheaf of reports and blinked in surprise. Naalson was quite possibly the tallest man he had seen. Naalson towered over the guard but was surprisingly lean. His carefully groomed beard hid his scars and a few of his freckles. His hair was cut in a manner that was virtually identical to the one worn by the majority of the corrections officers. When the sunlight fell on it through the chickenwire impregnated windows, it seemed to have the color of a spark against the dreary grey of the office.
Warden Schmitt is expecting me,” Naalson said, “I'm actually a few minutes late.” The secretary looked down at the paperwork and then shuffled around more papers. “The warden is in, isn't he? I was told today and this time, tuesday at nine o'clock.”
Yes, here you are,” said the secretary, holding up a neon pink sticky note, “To discuss the matter of your nephew. One moment.” Naalson folded his hands behind his back in a position similar to military at ease. Then an uncomfortable feeling crawled up his spine, a bodily memory of sorts. Naalson brought his hands back down to his sides as the door to the warden's office opened.
Warden Schmitt was not an impressive looking man. He was perhaps the most boring looking person that Naalson had ever laid eyes on during his travels. Naalson was mildly impressed with this unconscious feat. Schmitt was reviewing some manner of paperwork, peering over wire rimmed glasses. His mouse brown hair was thinning but carefully groomed. His face was clean shaven where a beard or moustache might have lent him some visual sense of personality. A small man, Schmitt didn't strike fear into people with his stature. Quiet spoken, it wasn't his voice that many feared, at first.
Elliot, put that on the pile,” Schmitt said, waving a hand at the towering stack of papers on the corner of his desk.
Warden Schmitt, your nine o'clock appointment is here,” the secretary coughed, embarrassed by his superior's behavior. Schmitt looked over and then up at Naalson.
I see, very well. Bring me the report when this meeting is over, then,” Schmitt said. He stood up and gestured towards the second chair in the room. It was a small chair for Naalson to sit down in comfortably but somehow he managed to make it look so. “What can I do for you, sir?” Schmitt said, attempting to sound ingratiating in his bland voice. Naalson couldn't help the vulpine smile that came when Schmitt asked his question.
There is an inquiry going on, Mister Schmitt,” Naalson said, “I believe word of it has reached your office.” Schmitt looked confused. “Clearly the memo was misplaced. Your secretary's desk is almost as bad as mine,” Naalson said with that same smile, his tone sounding genuinely warm and friendly. “An inmate recently was reported to have become deceased under your watch under suspicious circumstances.” Schmitt's attempt to be pleasant dropped away and the tepid looking man scowled as much as such a man could manage. “The report,” Naalson continued, sounding bored with the entire affair, “Said that you were the last man to see him alive.”
Are you accusing me of something?” demanded Schmitt, his voice turning hard. It was a tone that the inmates were troubled by. Because when Schmitt was angry, bad things tended to happen.
Oh, I'm not accusing you of anything,” Naalson said mildly, “Merely stating the facts of the report that I received. And this inmate, I believe his number was ... No, that doesn't matter. “ Naalson leaned forward, steepling his fingers before his face as he rested his elbows on the warden's desk. “Erick Ericksonne was his name,” Naalson said, “the report reads that he committed suicide. However, it also reads that all suicide watch protocol was followed. No belt, no shoelaces, no sheet on the cot. Hell, no cot even, just a mattress in a bare cell. We all know how those parts of the facility look. With the dehumanizing mint green and pink colors that make you think of those damned after dinner mints that taste like chalk, am I right?”
Schmitt blinked quickly. He had the feeling that he was in the presence of someone quite dangerous though he couldn't parse the reason why. “I have one question for you, John,” Naalson said, gesturing with his right hand towards the warden. “Why did you strangle him? Wasn't it enough that you had him in solitary on suicide watch for refusing to say the pledge first thing in the morning? Wasn't it enough that you had his food rations cut in half? Are you really so patriotic as to murder a man for 'disrespecting the flag'?”
Schmitt hit the panic button under his desk. Nothing happened. He pressed it again. “Oh, tech gets gitchy around me,” Naalson said, smiling, “You should see my watch. Something about my ... energy.” Schmitt felt sweat beading up along the back of his neck. “Or, really,” Naalson said suddenly as he leaned back and raised his right index finger as though he had an exciting revelation, “Is the problem that Erick was a pacifist? Well, we should say, was in this case. Proper context is important as is clauses. You hate pacifists. You've hated them since the war. Can't say I'd blame you much except for there's one small problem. This isn't the war. You can't kill a man with impunity, no matter how well you cover it up.”
Turning off the camera on the room, clever man,” Naalson said, “But, you forgot about the one in the hallway. It caught you 'adjusting' your belt. The very same belt you used to strangle your prisoner.”
That's a lie,” Schmitt said in an icey tone. The vulpine smile returned. Schmitt wondered how this man knew. He wondered if he hadn't paid the guard on duty enough money to keep his yap shut. He wondered if the camera actually was on. “You're trying to blackmail me,” Schmitt said.
Oh no, blackmail is beneath me,” Naalson said, “I'm here to give you a choice. Confess your crime or suffer Erick's fate.”
What are you going to do? Kill me?” Schmitt couldn't keep the note of panic out of his voice at the last part of his statement.
Naalson scoffed, “I wouldn't dirty my hands. Your hands, however...”
Schmitt's hands shook and began to move of their own accord. Naalson watched as he took of his belt and stood up. “Stop this,” Schmitt said.
You are doing this to yourself,” Naalson answered as Schmitt looped one end of the belt over the pendant lamp hanging from the ceiling. He watched with emotionless eyes as Schmitt's filled with panic and he struggled. As he teetered on the rolling chair with his makeshift noose around his neck, Schmitt's face turned red. Naalson stood up and walked around the table. He gripped hold of the back of the chair. For a moment Schmitt's stance stabilized and the awful pressure around his throat eased up for a moment. “Off to Niflhel with you, snake,” Naalson said in Schmitt's ear before kicking the chair out from under him.
Schmitt's secretary opened the door. “Sir, your nine o'clock appointment is here,” he said, looking down at the report in his hand. The secretary looked up and screamed at the sight of his superior dangling from a light that could barely hold him. “Oh god, somebody... somebody do something!” the secretary screamed as others around him scrambled into action. In the chaos, no one noticed a mouse scuttling out of the room and evading their stomping feet.

Thursday, May 30, 2019

1112

Some how, I hit 1111 posts and didn't realize it until today. I would have made my most more meaningful if I had realized it was a nifty number like that. I am eyeballs deep in line edits on book four of the fantasy series that I've been working on. I am thankful that I have caught spelling errors and such. At the same time, this is a lot of work and I kinda wish I had the budget to do something like hire and editor and a marketing team.

My mother in law suggested I find a literary agent. I am thinking about it. I don't know where to begin or how to go about it. I find myself anxious about the idea of having an agent walk off with a manuscript. At one point, I entered into a competition that was supposed to have the winner getting a book contract. I had to fight with them and threaten legal measures to get my manuscript back. Since then, I am uneasy with the prospect of a third party handling my work.

I'm also highly annoyed that one of my digital works has been ripped off and is floating around as a pirated pdf. I'm angry but I don't know if there is anything I can do about it.

Thursday, May 23, 2019

Not enough coffee in the world

The past few weeks have been less than stellar. We've been passing this norovirus back and forth. I don't think the in-laws caught it when we visited. But for the last few weeks somebody in this household has had some stomach complaints. It's lead to the kids taking turns having a bucket as a bedside companion. I am glad that I'm on medication to control the random vomiting symptoms that come with one of my other medications, because I didn't need that bucket when I had it.

Along with the stomach issues, I haven't been sleeping well. I've been having nightmares. This is not a new development because I have chronic trauma related nightmares. I'm not sure exactly why I am having nightmares about losing the children. It has been exceedingly unpleasant. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning on the verge of a panic attack because of my nightmares. It sucked.

Because of life being a pain in the ass, I have had to push back the release of book four of the fantasy series I've written. There's some stuff that I just haven't had time or the spoons to do that absolutely needs to happen before it is ready to be released.

Friday, May 10, 2019

I'm half way to zombie. Brainz?

This has been one hell of a week. It started out with food poisoning. It was a mild enough case that I was able to power through and get Cuddle Bear to his orthodontist appointment where he got his braces off. The boy has been sixteen different kinds of excited because now he can eat his favorite candy again.

The weather's been flipping back and forth between wet and miserable and tolerable. As such my mood has been flipping back and forth between depressed and ok. I did not realize that rainy days were a depression trigger. A theory that Beloved and I have is that there is some kind of trauma memory attached to this kind of weather. Gods only knows what that is, but I'm sure it will reveal itself eventually. They always do.

Had a migraine start the day before yesterday and go until almost halfway through yesterday. That sucked royally. Fortunately, the migraine didn't start until after Snuggle Bug's doctor's appointment. The boy's got some miserable allergies and our family doctor was awesome enough to put him on something that actually helps. First dose and the kid wasn't having sinus problems or itchy eyes all day.

I have a new book out. I have no idea how to make it sell, but I'm going to try. I would prefer to just sit here and crank out books but I don't have a marketing team to sell them for me. I feel like I have zero clue what I am doing here. It's a bit demoralizing to look and see that I've made no sales.

I'm going to try to follow the example set out by some other indie authors and just plug my book as often as I can until I get some reviews and then plug the book with the reviews. I'm not sure how to go about getting reviews, but I'll figure it out somehow.

In other news, I am working on the Kindle version of this book which is going to require entirely different format stuff and new exercises. This thing was originally designed as a workbook. But I recognize that there are people who are going to want this information and not be able to get their hands on the workbook.

I wish that Lulu and KDP played nicely together. Then I could have put this thing together on Lulu and not have Amazon throw a fit over it. They still haven't ironed out what ever technical issue is there which is why I have been doing more on KDP because that goes out to a larger audience than Lulu right now. It is frustrating.