Family politics suck.

 My immediate family (husband and children) are alright. We're getting by more or less ok with out calling on the extended family. It's been crunchy at times, but we're making it happen. Back when the shit hit the fan ten years ago, his parents were right there (as were his siblings) to help us. It was a dark time and things were really hard. They have my undying gratitude for what they had done for us, which basically allowed our family to stay together.

Then there's the extended family going out away from his immediate siblings and parents. They're ok people, I guess. They've pretty much forgotten that we exist except for when they want to get the 'whole family' together for a photo op and their own warm fuzzies. Let us forget the fact that one of his uncles deeply despises me (it's mutual now for various reasons). Let us forget the fact that his cousins can't stand the concept of being around children (as happened at his sister's wedding). Let's put all of that aside, we have nothing but blood ties in common with them. It's the reason why out of all of his cousins having major life events, we've been invited to a total of three. We stopped going to the big family holiday shindig because of my social phobia and that one uncle's behavior. Once we did that, they just forgot we existed. Mind you, before we did it, they were not very family like towards us because we were on the fringes of the social circle that was going on between the cousins and other relatives. (It happens when there's 50+ people at a party and you've got nothing in common with 90% of them.)

My side of the family is fucked six ways from Sunday with respect to their relationship with me. I've an uncle who is a religious bigot and told me that my not being a Christian and raising my children in my faith made me as bad as a pedophile/child abuser. (Same uncle accused me of being an alcoholic with out any grounds for his claim. I'm still pissed about that.) I have another uncle who molested me when I was small and tried to 'charm' me into giving him details about my sex life the last time I was alone with him (at 16). This uncle lamented that I wasn't bringing home my friends from college so he could find a new girlfriend. Creepy doesn't begin to describe the guy, he's got more than issues, he's got catalogues. Then there's my parents. If you've read my past entries revolving around family stuff, you pretty much know the dirt on that one. I can't ever have a relationship with them again because they're so toxic and bad for me. The same is true for my brothers. It's painful because I used to be really close to my brothers when we were small. It wasn't a case of we 'grew apart' as much as my mother did everything she could to sabotage the relationship between the three of us.

As a result of that fuckery, my relationship with my brothers' children is strained. (And there's a mess there between those girls and their fathers. It's not my place to talk about it, but I have to acknowledge it because it is part of the reason why that's strained.) But, none of this was what I wanted.

I wanted a healthy, large family. I wanted my relationship with my parents to be based in mutual respect and love. I wanted my relationship with my brothers to be the same. I wanted to be someone that they wanted around because they valued me as a person instead of someone they wanted around because they wanted free labor. But, that's not how they view me. So, I have kept them away from my family.

Now, one of my nieces is graduating high school. I wish I could go and give her a big hug. I wish I could say "I'm proud of you and how far you have come." But, there's too many complicated factors that makes it not possible. So, I have to do it from afar and mail a nice card and graduation gift. It pains me. I didn't want this. I didn't want any of this but the actions of others around me created this situation. Fuck family politics.