Between the conditioning that I got as a kid that my writing about anything occult/religious was going to get a highly negative (aka people trying to hurt me and my family) response and the negative response to the edition of the Clear Recital that I spearheaded, I've been anxious about my writing. I have been worried about a troll army descending on me and destroying everything I've worked for. I have been worrying about the prospect that in putting out that one book, I have lost my one steady market. Most of all, I have been afraid that my writing is, as the negative review and my insane mother described it, all vanity.
I'm not writing this stuff to try and make myself look important. I made the changes to the document based off of things revealed to other independent Filianists and the fact that the grammar was so awful that my kids (who are at a middle grade reading level) wouldn't be able to read it. I wanted to make the document more accessible to people. I am getting flamed for it and accused of not understanding English. It's made me angry and hurt because this came from someone that I had thought I had a good working relationship with.
I am trying to say 'fuck it, let the gods sort it out.' but that's not working so well because I have anxiety issues. They're ameliorated by my medications but they're still there. I am afraid that what I am going to write is going to result in an angry mob showing up and throwing bricks through my windows. It's awful. I go to write on my witchy blogs and I just freeze, questioning everything that I have to say.
It's like dealing with the mean girls from school all over again. While I don't have to worry about some one literally trying to light me on fire, it's triggering a lot of the trauma responses from all of that harassment. I know if I post this on the other blog, some wit will come back with 'if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.' It's hard.
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