Do I get some wine?

It has been a long couple of days. My eldest is home from school. He's got some kind of virus. Probably a cold. He had a fever but it broke. We sent him in to school thinking he'd be fine. About 20 minutes later, the school called us to pick him up. The nurse declared he looked miserable and mentioned that he shouldn't be in school until after 24 hrs free from fever. Thus, he came home.

And has pretty much been acting like his usual self with a bit of a cold. I don't know if I should send him in tomorrow or if the school nurse will declare he must come home again. My anxiety says that they'll get upset with me if I send him. The rest of me says that aside from a bit of a cough, Cuddle Bear is pretty much fine. I'm probably going to discuss it with Beloved. Because I'm not thinking quite clearly right now.

This adjustment to medication business is ... not fun. I'm no longer so depressed that I feel like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat or feeling utterly numb, but I'm not at 'normal' yet either. I still am struggling with this eerie sense of depersonalization that comes with this stuff. I feel like I'm half dissociated and I am really not enjoying it. I can't manage to feel warm at all. I'm presently wearing a thermal undershirt and a hoodie. I'm about to grab a shawl. I feel like I'm freezing and it is about 70 in the apartment right now. I know this is not normal.

I'm still anxious. I have been trying to keep myself busy so that I am not sitting here perseverating over all the possible things that could go wrong right now. I have not been very successful, though I do have two very lovely washcloths now, a new wooden beaded mala, and Beloved's sweater is just about on point. I don't have much energy. I don't have much appetite either. I'm beginning to think that perhaps I am still feeling depressed, it is just not quite as severe.

I've been drinking tea like it is going out of style. I made a pitcher of iced tea this afternoon that I will be having at dinner time. I don't know if the kids are going to want any. It is peach iced tea, so if they don't like it I'll have no qualms about finishing it off. My head hurts. I don't know if it is because I've been grinding my teeth, aura symptoms of a migraine, or if it is my medication. For all I know, it could be low blood sugar too.

I've only been eating about a cup of food at mealtimes, at best. Tonight, I anticipate eating about half of a pork chop and some veggies for dinner. I know this isn't good for me. I'm pretty sure that I've lost some weight over the last week of this nonsense. A part of me is worried about this becoming a thing and my almost-eating disorder coming back into the picture. When I brought up my worries about this, it was like when I brought up my worries about the hypomanic symptoms, I got brushed off and told not to be so anxious about it.

A part of me says I should just let it go. It says that I should just stop trying to manage all of this shit and 'trust the doctors.' Regardless of the fact that trusting these people to have my best interests at the forefront of their minds resulted in major problems in the past. Another part of me says I should just stop caring so much about this because I'm not going to be taken seriously by anyone anyhow. I've got the dual strikes against me of being female and having mental illness.

Then there is that part of me that just doesn't stop. It says that I am going to go forward and make shit happen, even if I have to march through Helheim to do it. It says that I should continue to press to get proper treatment of my condition. It says that I should get up everyday to take care of the things I need to do and meet my responsibilities. It says that I should force the world to my will. Because there is no other option.

Fortunately, that is the part that usually wins out.

Me vs Health Establishment: Round n+1

I posted about this on FB yesterday. I've had a little time to calm down from incandescent rage that I was literally shaking with when it hit. I don't know what to do right now. I really don't know what to say or do. I know that my monthly meeting with my psychiatric provider didn't start well when I was basically kink shamed for wearing my collar. (Because obviously I'd wear it only for attention or to shock people, right?) I wore it because I had been super anxious for about a week now. Wearing the collar makes me feel safe, secure, and loved.

I started out wearing a necklace that was collar like. It was very light weight and after a while, I could't feel it. I gradually switched to heavier necklaces before I got to the two necklaces that are public friendly collars and the leather one. The one that I had made (pink band of tunisian crochet superwash wool with an o ring in the center and button closure at the back) soon became hard for me to focus on because the anxiety was encouraging me to dissociate. So, I put on the chain collar necklace. It worked a little better but I kept having lots of ... discomfort and upset. So, I finally put on the leather one.

A huge amount of the anxiety that had been troubling me was... not lifted so much as diminished because it was easier for me to feel the collar's presence on my neck. It also helped that the rings on it jangled a little bit as I was moving, which helped provide something of an auditory cue that it was there. The two things worked together to help me stay 'embodied' and focused on the present, in addition to all the warm fuzzies that are associated with the collar.

So, I was somewhat disappointed when my psychiatric provider took one look at the collar and said 'That's not you.' I revealed that it is indeed a facet of myself, simply one that I keep quiet. She scoffed and gave a somewhat sarcastic 'Ok.' Looking back, that really set the tone for the rest of the session. We had our discussion about my symptoms. She focused on trying to figure out what I was 'reacting to' in being depressed right now. I got very ... frustrated with that line of discussion.

I said very bluntly "I have been depressed since November. Something needs to change." She started to try to talk me into sticking with the medications I was on at the time when I reiterated that it wasn't working and something needed changed. This was when it became apparent that I have been on pretty much every SSRI on the market and acclimated to them all as she reviewed my history. That was because the one she suggested at first, I flatly declined with the statement that the last time I was on it, I wound up in the hospital for suicidal thoughts.

So, she has me now on an SSNRI. I voiced my concern about how I am bipolar and I was worried that my medication may cause me to have a full blown manic episode or suicidal depression. She pooh-poohed my concerns and then told me that in the records, I had a diagnosis of unipolar depression with pyschotic features. I... I got angry. She presented it as though she did not change the diagnosis. And I am inclined to believe her. I don't think psychiatric nurses have the credentials to diagnosis.

I tried explaining that I have the symptoms of bipolar and I essentially got brushed off. The appointment ended with my basically shutting down emotionally and her not noticing. I find myself wondering if the collar is going to come up in my therapy session in two weeks. I don't know what to do right now. A part of me is furious because I am again in a position where I need to defend my diagnosis and justify my needs to the psychiatric professional I am working with. I have never had this problem at any of the hospitals I have gone into. Just with this damn clinic.

And the anxiety is crippling when I am not dissociating due to it. I have problems with being in the position where I have to justify my need for medical care. I think it is tied to the fact that I had health problems as a kid that my parents decided not to address because they decided that I had to by lying to them. Only to discover between 25 to 30 years later that all the things I was complaining about were legit problems. But, when I get sick and I need help, I get terrified that the people around me are not going to believe me and decide that I am a hypochondriac. I get fucking twisted up into knots over the idea that they're going to deem me an attention whore and dismiss me.

So, this has jumped onto the pile of general anxiety that I was struggling with over the last week. I started the new medication today. I've started seeing some side effects. I have a lower appetite than usual. My mood is not up much but my energy levels keep going up as the day goes on. If I go into one of my hypomanic states, I am going to call my psychiatric care provider and say something to the effect of 'see, this is a legit thing.' If it turns into something beyond that, I will take what measures I need to.

But, knowing that I haven't been getting treated for what I have makes me angry. I feel like there would be less chaos in my life if I was on the right medication. I worry that I am not going to get it because I have a hard time remember what happens in these different mental states. When I'm depressed, I literally can't remember shit. When I am hypomanic, I don't have the attention span to recall stuff and think I'm normal. It only becomes apparent to me if I am having difficulty because of my temper being screwed up. The wonky sleep doesn't get noticed until afterwards.

But, when I go into my psych appointments, I have problems remembering stuff outside of the mood I a m in at the time. And most of the time, I am depressed.

Such a long week.

The boys have been off from school this week. It has been exhausting. They have been full of energy and up to mischief. This is not a surprise or a change from their present patterns of behavior. I, however, have been really struggling to keep up with them. I am thankful that they go back to school on Monday because I am worn out. It makes me concerned that their next break is going to be just as difficult for me to navigate.

Last weekend, I had a bad flashback. I think it has been contributing to the fact that I don't feel well right now. Usually, I bounce back from a flashback fairly quickly. A day or two later and I am functioning more or less like I usually do. This week, however, I have had so much difficulty concentrating and I have been more anxious than usual. It didn't help that Tuesday was a really hard day for me. I had an episode where I got very anxious and angry for a while. Thankfully, Beloved was home and he was managing the kids. I was having a bad day Tuesday because I was feeling very depressed to begin with. The anxiety and anger just hit me out of nowhere.

A friend of mine said it sounded like how her anxiety attacks manifest. It makes me think that I should do a little research and see if part of my problems with anger are actually problems with anxiety. I am so tired of dealing with depression, anxiety, and all the rest of the mess that is my psyche right now. I said the other night that I hated my brain. Beloved replied that it was a shame that I felt that way because he thinks it is my most attractive feature. It was a very gentle reproach. But, it is a reminder none the less that I need to stop hating facets of myself because they're not perfect. It is more of that all or nothing thinking that I struggle with.

I haven't done any spinning in the last two months. I just haven't had the motivation to do so. I look at the beautiful fiber and my delightful spindles. I just felt numb despair that nothing I did would be good enough and I walked away. I have been feeling that way about many things right now. I know it is depression talking. It is exhausting and disheartening. I don't know if how I am feeling right now is an indication that I am improving. My writing on here is not inspired by anything or the fruit of some feeling that I need to write. It is more motivated out of guilt for my silence than anything else.

I don't know if that is a good thing or not. It has been hard for me to get into an appointment to see my therapist. Over the last month, almost month and a half now, we have been playing phone tag. Either I am sick or she has been sick. A part of me says that scheduling a session is a futile effort because something is going to come up. It is the same part of me that says everything is useless.

Powder keg.

I am not entirely in my right mind right now. I am on edge. I am hiding from the rest of the family and listening to super calming music because the stimuli of the living room is too much for me right now. I am no longer shaking or feeling so anxious, agitated, and angry that I'm ready to have a screaming meltdown in the middle of the kitchen. I can't concentrate. The ativan helped some. I can feel this all is still there but the volume is turned down some. It is probably the only reason why I am collected enough to post right now or listen to music here.

I don't know how I'm going to sleep. My brain is telling me that I have wasted food that we needed and that it will make the kids go hungry because of my screw up. I have this sense of guilt over the fact that I made more dishes to wash. I also have it going on because I just didn't manage to get a cooked dinner done for Beloved and the kids. (Sandwiches were for the boys and Beloved said he'll figure something out for himself. Making the sandwiches was hard for me. I was ready to throw the butter knife across the room because the peanut butter wasn't spreading as evenly as I wanted it to.)

A part of me says I should start folding laundry right now. Another part of me says that it will be a huge pile on the bed when it is time for me to go to sleep and just make things worse. I feel like my head is winding up and going faster with each moment. There is no giddy euphoria with this. Just tension, suppressed screaming at the children for being a little loud, and shaking. I am making a point of staying away from anything that I could possibly use to hurt myself right now.

Earlier, before the Ativan kicked in, I found myself ready to start hitting myself because of my fuck up with dinner. I don't know why this is happening. I'm worried about it. I just want to be calm. I just want to get to sleep and wake up normal. I don't want this happening. I feel helpless and scared right now even as I am angry and anxious. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if this is continued fallout from the bad flashback I had last weekend. I don't know if it is something else going on with me.

I am trying to calm myself down. I am failing. I'd be knitting right now but I'm so torqued up I can't see myself handling dropped stitches well at all. What am I going to do when the Ativan wears off? Is this going to be the rest of the night? I don't know. I'm scared.

Rebel brain, submit to my will.

Still stuck in a mixed episode. It now makes day four of it. I'm not as short tempered as I was yesterday but I still have the combination of having energy and being depressed. I saw my psych provider yesterday. She was surprised how long I have been struggling. Now, this makes the first full year that she's been working with me. Starting out, last March, I did my best to make clear to her that the time from late November to about mid-March is the worst of the year for me. Due to a combination of factors, I pretty much spend my entire time depressed.

I am hoping that the fact that I'm not as ready to scream, break things, and generally light the world on fire is a sign that I am moving out of this mental state. I really hate depressive episodes. But I think I hate mixed episodes even more. At least with the depressive episodes I have some numbness insulating me from the worst of the feelings. With this, I feel every knot and twist of my pained mind through the entire episode. I have noticed that I did not get my full nine hours of sleep last night. I'm keeping an eye on that.

It is sad to admit, but I no longer trust a cranky day or a string of good days. I watch everything about what is going on with me. I am wary of what is simply a good day turning into mania. I am concerned that a bad day is going to stretch out into a longer interval with my anger turning nearly uncontrolled. I just don't trust myself anymore on that front. And for some one who has difficulty trusting herself in other areas, this makes me exasperated and sad. It also makes me angry.

My therapist tells me that I just should let the moods happen as they will and adjust to them as they happen. I feel like I can't do that. I feel like there is too much at stake. Multiple rounds of depression leads to my not taking proper care of myself. This ends in my needing dental work, increased problems with exercise, and (apparently) high triglyceride levels. She tells me that I am looking at it from a too complicated approach. I feel like I need to plan for each mood state like I would for the invasion of Normandy.

I haven't hit the point of having crisis plans written up in my binder, yet. I do, however, now have a list of all my medications and my diagnoses in my wallet now. In my times of hypomania, I start organizing everything and trying to make all in my life efficient. This is also when I start thinking about how to possibly manage the household, raise the children, do my writing, and run multiple businesses at the same time. I also get a little bit freer with my spending. But I spend it on practical things, like more canned goods to keep in the pantry in the event of a bad winter storm. Or, if I've gone really wild, clothes for myself. And when I am doing this extra spending, my anxiety of money is such that it stops me from going over about sixty dollars on my purchases.

Anyways, I feel like I need to have a plan in place for when I am well, when I am depressed, when I am hypomanic, and when I have a mixed episode. I don't and that makes me uneasy. My plans for when I am well are simple and I don't really need to check in with other people to make sure that I am well connected with reality. But for the other three states, I don't have anything written down and I worry that as time goes on I am getting worse. And I want to make sure that if something goes majorly wrong, there is a plan for how to take care of it. Because it makes me feel more secure about it all and it makes it possible for there to be some kind of solution to the problems that would arise from my being severely unwell.

Hamster Wheel Progress.

I am doing everything I possibly can to move forward. I am making sure I get enough sleep at night. I am eating three proper meals a day. I take my medications. I have even been getting a little bit of exercise into my day. Looking at this, one would think that I am on track to be in good health and spirits.

Life right now is a hamster wheel. And all of my efforts for forward progress are getting me nowhere. I still have this lingering cough that makes my chest ache. I am still dealing with being depressed. And I am still having a hard time writing or doing anything else creative. I am struggling to be patient with my kids even more than usual because my mental capacity is hindered by the depression.

I look around and there is nothing in the present that should be causing this aside from brain chemistry issues. It frustrates me. A part of me still kinda is stuck in the socially approved story that depression is sadness over an event in the present. I get frustrated and angry with myself when I don't have something to point at and say 'This caused it.' I get so upset when I realize that it is a combination of neural chemistry issues and past events. I get so angry about the past events still bothering me.

Something in me says that I should be over it. Stuff that happened thirty years ago still comes to mind and makes it hard for me to sleep at night. Stuff that happened twenty years ago comes to mind and makes me want to scream in terror at times. I look around me and I see the world carrying on as it does usually and I feel cut off from it. I feel like my PTSD has ripped me out of my life and left me to watch as everyone else is progressing through the 'normal' events of their 30s.

My therapist tells me that I am perfectly normal. That I am a text book case of complex post-traumatic stress disorder and of bipolar II. It doesn't reassure me on days like today. Days where I had planned on doing simple things like cooking dinner and putting laundry away get interfered by my sudden lack of energy and overwhelming sense of despair due to my depression are arduous. Add in the peppering of flashbacks to the various traumatic events I have lived through and my day feels like I am just a walking mass of anxiety and exhaustion.

I sit here and I question why I should keep going. Then I get angry with myself for those questions. I have responsibilities that I can not just drop. I have things that I want to get done before I die. I have a book series to finish writing. But I am so tired. And I am so full of despair.

I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if writing this post was a good idea or not. All six of you probably have me friended on Facebook. So, you have seen this struggle as it has been unfurling. I vainly thought there would be some form of catharsis in writing this.  But it feels much the same as writing in my journal. Sans the pleasure that comes from looking at my handwriting when it is neat and tidy.

Down with the Sickness.

Yes, I ripped the title of this post off from Disturbed. I am not ashamed in the least bit. It amuses me and that is all that matters. I spent the weekend sick in bed. This nasty cold (which I was worried for a bit that it was turning into bronchitis) had me exhausted and miserable. I am at the point where I'm not feeling breathless walking around the apartment and doing some chores. I think that I might actually be well enough to go do laundry tomorrow.

In the midst of my intermittent fever and woozy exhaustion, I did something uncharacteristic of myself. I actually gave myself permission to rest and be sick. I was cranky with the fact that I didn't like being stuck in bed all weekend. At the same time, however, I was not trying to force myself to do everything because I was sick. Beloved was wonderful. He took care of the grocery shopping and kept the boys in line so that I could just sleep. Between drinking copious amounts of orange juice and tea, I spent a good amount of this weekend, when I was up, just sitting and staring at stuff. I guess that is what Facebook is good for.

I'm feeling a bit better and I have much more energy right now. I am optimistic that I can get laundry done tomorrow, provided I don't push myself too far today.

Getting sick, again.

My throat feels like it is made out of sandpaper. My sinuses are achey. I think it is safe to say that I have come down with the kids' head cold. At the same time, my mental state is a bit off. I only slept about four hours last night. Oddly enough, I am wide awake and full of energy, have been all day. (I was that way for about half of last night too.) I suspect this is to do with the fact that my medications have been altered. I will know for sure if this is how I am tonight and tomorrow. I feel restless but I have a hard time focusing right now.

I feel like I should be doing a thousand things but I just can't make myself sit still long enough to do one of them. I have a sink full of dishes to wash but I keep getting distracted by other things. Which I then get distracted from as well. It is just a chain of distractions all along the way. I don't rightly know what I should do with myself. As the day has gone on, I have felt my ability to concentrate slowly diminish. My thoughts are unfocused and going faster with each passing hour. It has me concerned what I am going to be like this evening. Because I really need sleep, it is important to keeping my mental function healthy.

It is snowing right now. I am sure the kids will be excited about that. I don't know how much we're going to get today. I don't know if I am going to have to shovel the walk later or if it will be something I need to do in the morning. I am presently trying to get myself focused enough to do a bit of writing on my other blogs. It is, however, difficult to concentrate.

Running in circles.

I have been trying to tread water but it feels like I'm not doing so hot. My brain has been not cooperative towards the goal of getting all the things done. At least today I have gotten something done. Perhaps I will get a bit more done with luck.

Fiber arts wise, I have now loaded my distaff with the remainder of that raspberry colored fiber. I have a handful of wine colored fiber that I am going to spin with one of my supported spindles. I am trying to figure out how to do this whole business of spinning with the spindle held in hand. It is not going easily. It has lead to a fair amount of hand discomfort. It isn't as bad as it is with the other french spindle. I am seriously considering picking up a set of spindle sticks and seeing how it improves things.

I knit a few rows on my anxiety shawl. I accidentally messed up my knitting and have one row that is reverse stockinette. It is, however, a mistake that I'm going to leave and not worry about. Because I'm working on being forgiving with myself like that. I also am getting ready to take Beloved's sweater apart and add more to it. (It came out half the length it really should have been. Width wise, however, it is good.)

And I think I have figured out how to flick card stuff. I think.

It just rolls on.

I keep telling myself that today will be the day that I will get everything I wanted to do done. Then little things like a migraine or medication brain fog get in the way. I am trying to not be discouraged but it is kinda hard. I thought I'd be jumping back to my previously aggressive posting schedule and it just hasn't happened. I feel tired and discouraged.

I don't know if it is just because I'm having a hard time recovering after the break or what exactly it is. I want a vacation. I want to go somewhere warm, where I have no responsibilities. That, however, is not going to happen anytime soon. I feel burned out and that is disheartening. I am looking around trying to find some way to not feel so burned out but I am coming up with nothing. I can't just let all the housework sit and ignore the work of managing the kids for a day.

The weekends are chaotic and exhausting for me. I can't relax because there is so much going on. I try to get some time to relax and rest during the week but by the time I feel like I'm ready to start getting things done, the kids are coming home from school and I have to mind them. I wish there was a way to get some alone time with my husband. I wish there was a way to get some time where we don't have to worry about when we woke up in the morning (and now what to do if the kids get up before us).

I'm so tired and so ... sad. I am sad that I feel like this. A part of me says that I should be up and on the go right now. But I am literally resisting the urge to take a nap because the kids' bus will be here in a few minutes.

Is it over yet?

The clock is ticking down to the official end of 2015. I'll be perfectly honest, I am looking forward to this. The past year has been a lot of hard work. I am hoping that next year will be a little less labor intensive. I have been banned from working on Yule gifts for next year until the beginning of next year. As Beloved pointed out, I will have 365 days to work on it because it is a leap year.

I have been struggling with keeping up with the FLYLady thing over the last year. I am basically rebooting the process and starting over again from square one in January. I know that I need more structure in my days. FLYLady helped provide that. I am confident, however, that I can get back on that bicycle and ride with out too much trouble. I have the FLYLady book and my control journal. I don't necessarily need the website. Which, honestly, is looking like a good thing.

The emails from FLYLady are getting preachy again, and not in the sense of 'let's do this stuff to organize our lives' but in the sense of 'praise Jesus' variety. I don't have a problem with Christianity. It seems to be a faith that works really well for a lot of people. What I've read of the teachings of Jesus, there is a good deal of wisdom there. I take issue, however, when people that I am patronizing for an entirely different purpose begin preaching at me. I am debating removing myself from that email list.

I have started a journal where I track my mental state, my diet, and what exercise I do. It takes a little effort to remember to do so. It also takes some effort to remember to do some exercise on a given day. My goal with this journal, however, is to gather data that will allow me to get a good picture of how my moods cycle. In my other journal for daily writing, I am going to attempt to get a picture of a given day's major events. My thought is I can cross reference between the two and know what happened that day and how it effected my health. All of this is an effort to get myself healthier.

I am looking over things like where I want to be this time next year and what I want to have accomplished. I believe that my sense that I need to organize is a good thing. I think this is actually one of those times where I can make my anxiety work in my favor. I just have to stick to my rules for being healthy and such. As long as I can make it through with out breaking taboos, I think I can turn this into a very good year.

Fiber Update & Yule Projects.

I have fifteen days to finish all of my projects. I am confident I can manage it. Considering that I am half done with Beloved's sweater (actually a little over that) and the remainder of crafting type things I have left to do are involving fabric paint, I don't think it is going to be a problem this year. I am presently stalled on my spinning. I still have that batt of pink fiber to tie onto my distaff and spin. I also have several other bits of fiber that I still need to card.

This doesn't include the backlog of work for the sheep study that the spinning guild is doing right now. I think, however, I have finally concluded what I am going to be using the samples for. I believe I am going to knit another sampler scarf for myself, this time less than 12 feet long. (I accidentally did that with the last one I knit for myself.) I have been thinking about fiber and what I am going to do with the samples of Lincoln wool that I've got kicking around. It is all less than an ounce each. And they're dyed in really vibrant colors.

Looking at everything, I am seriously trying to figure out how to make spinning off the distaff with the kick wheel work. If I can manage it, I am pretty sure that I can get a significant amount of my fiber stash spun. I am starting to run out of room for storing it. Thus, I need to start spinning it all.

I am looking over the Yule gifts that I made thus far this year. The large shawl that I made for E. came out fairly well. I still need to soak it in fabric softener and run it through a wash to soften up the fibers but I am anticipating that will not be a problem. I honestly think the only challenge with that is going to be transporting it to the laundromat for washing after I soak it. And that is something I can use a clean garbage bag or plastic shopping bag for.

I was attempting to make another wingspan shawl with the skein of yarn I had sitting from last year. I ended up with a small scarf. I still have to block it out. I am debating if I should sew beads onto it or not. I am not pleased with how small this thing came out. The yardage of it, according to what I had for directions, meant that I was going to get a small shawl out of it. Instead, I got two repeats of the pattern, which makes something just long enough to wrap about the neck once.

I have a pile of washcloths and kitchen goods that I made up earlier this year packed into a little recycled canvas rice sack. I am fairly sure it will be a gift that is appreciated as well as found to be useful.

Running low on spoons.

I don't know why I feel so run down and depressed right now. Today was not outrageously difficult. I took care of the thing that was a major source of anxiety over the last two weeks this afternoon. The kids are behaving relatively well. On the whole, everything looks just fine. No major catastrophes or trauma happened today.

But, here I am, feeling terrible. I wasn't feeling up to cooking dinner so I ordered a pizza special from the local pizza place. I got through most of my two slices before I became overwhelmed with revulsion. I tried eating some chicken wings. But I found myself so repulsed that I could only eat two. This wasn't just a case of dinner not agreeing with me. At breakfast time, I was utterly disgusted by the thought of the act of eating.  At lunch time, I forced myself to choke down most of a hot pocket sandwich. It kinda has been a theme today.

I find myself worried that this may continue. I am someone who has problems with a borderline eating disorder. I have a history of starving myself when I feel like my life is completely out of control because I feel like that is the only thing I have control over. I honestly can't pin down why I feel like my life is so completely out of control right now.

I am anxious about sleeping again. I have had Beloved reminding me to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I still lay there awake for a while or I wake up several times in the night. I haven't been having the nightmares that I am so afraid of having. The dreams have actually been surreal but not fear inducing. In many cases, I am reliving what was actually relatively pleasant times in my childhood.

I wake up feeling for a moment like I am that child in my parents house. I suppose that could be part of the reason why I'm on edge but I don't know for sure. I have been having dreams like this on a semi-regular basis for the last several months. I know it is because the downstairs neighbor smokes like a chimney and our apartment is well permeated with the smoke.

I have been feeling anxious when I don't get everything I plan to do for the day done. I find myself anticipating a beating or some form of verbal harassment. I have been a bit gun-shy on the idea of going out and socializing. It is like all of the anxiety from my childhood has popped up over the last few months and it has been slowly getting worse.

I know that the flashback that I had last Saturday didn't do me any favors. I have an appointment with my therapist next week. I am not entirely sure how that is going to go. The week after, I see my psychiatric care provider. If I'm still having problems with sleep, I'll be bringing it up and checking to see if I can get back on the medication I was on before. I don't like having to take 6 different medications to function, if you don't count my frequent use of Aleve for my arthritic knees.

I keep finding myself feeling ashamed of it. I keep hearing the old commentary that I was getting as a kid when I took medicine. The arguments made that I was becoming a drug addict and that I was faking my illness to manipulate people keep popping up in my head every time my eye falls on the pill bottles. As a result, I feel so much shame that it makes me nauseated and gives me terrible heartburn. So, I take antacids every night between the heartburn caused by my medication and induced my my psychological angst.

In all of this, I am struggling to keep some measure of gaiety and such in my demeanor. It is the holiday season. The boys are excited and happy. I'm trying to share it and not let my own issues with the season make me a bitch. I don't think I am succeeding, to be honest. I know that once I loved this time of year. Then... Then I 'lost' the holiday spirit because of how keenly aware I was of the differences between myself and my peers at school. And then N- happened, which kinda was the coffin nail on the holiday cheer. The subsequent trauma over a decade later involving C- really was secondary to the rest.

I don't know what to do with myself. There is a birthday party coming up this weekend that I am expected to make an appearance at. Beloved argues that it will be healthy for me to go out of the house and socialize. I suppose he is right. At the same time, I am already getting anxious over the thought of going to this thing. It doesn't matter that they are all people who are kindly inclined towards me. I am still getting a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach over it.

I tell myself that these are my friends. I tell myself that they are all people who care about me and wish me well. And in the next heartbeat I find myself torn between the feeling that I am being politely tolerated and the thought that they're all faking the friendship. I know these things are not true. But I can't break those mental loops. Which makes me feel horrible.

My therapist says this is because of how I was conditioned when I was younger. I don't have words for how much that makes me feel worse. I understand it. I know that there is no shame in it. It is simply a technical way to describe what happened and it is realistic. But I feel like I am somehow inferior for having been subjected to it and coming out on the other side of it with that garbage stuck in my head.

I don't know what to do about it. I'm not doing very well right now. And it is still the beginning of the holiday season. I dread the rest of it.

Day after NaNoWriMo!

So, NaNoWriMo is done for another year. I clocked in just shy of 70 k for my word count. I'm not finished with the manuscript yet. I am approximately half way through my plot map. I honestly wonder if I am going to have to split this up now. I want to finish it. I just feel a bit tired right now. I have spent a good portion of today attempting to catch up on blogging. I hamstrung myself with Facebook. Now, I am going to push to get more done in the evening. As a result, this post is going to be brief.

Here's a picture. Me with my implements of doom. And yes, that is a mechanical pencil tucked behind my ear. Not shown is my collection of calligraphy pens and pile of notebooks. Which I feel like will at some point reach an infinite value if I continue collecting in the fashion I have been.

Life Hack #2 - Recycling old clothes.

If you're like me, you may feel a bit bad when the clothes get worn out and you are in the position of having to throw them away. I look at all that fabric and think that there has got to be something environmentally better to do. I also feel bad about that financial investment going out in the garbage, even when I have gotten my money's worth out of the clothing. While donating clothes to the local community outreach program or sending them off to the thrift store is an option, it really isn't cool to send them completely worn out stuff. And, let's be honest, there are only so many rags you can use for cleaning. (I recommend using worn cotton t-shirts for your cleaning rags.)

So, what do you do with it? There's a lot of really great things you can do with recycled fabric. One of them is to make a rag rug with it. If you use t-shirt material, it comes out really great for in the bathroom. If you use denim, it is super effective for in a high traffic area of your house. We did this in my parent's house when I was growing up. In the end, we had a really interesting looking rug that stood up to years of use long after the clothes were no longer useful.  (If you are someone who does latch hook rug making, you have yourself an instant source of scraps!)

You can also cut up the old clothes into uniformly shaped and sized pieces. This you can sew together into a patchwork item. You can get a quilt top out of a bunch of old shirts pretty quickly. Use an old flat sheet for the bottom layer and an old blanket for your batting. Patchwork denim makes an amazing bag that you can carry a good amount of stuff in, provided you make your seams nice and strong and use a good, heavy weight thread for your stitching. You can also use those pieces to patch other clothing. (I will confess, I have cut off the good sections of the kid's worn out old pants to use to patch the knees in their newer clothes.)

Old clothing can also be used to make things for your home aside from that rag rug or patchwork everything. With a box and an old pillow, you can use a t-shirt to make a hiding spot for your pet. You can make rag dolls for the children in your life. You can also make puppets. Obviously, you can make clothes for dolls or the puppets out of pieces of your old clothes. You can cut out the logos from old t-shirts and make a display for your wall with a little ingenuity, a staple gun, and old picture frames. If you cut the leg off of an old pair of pants, you can stuff it with fabric from old clothes and stitch the ends shut. Boom! You now have something to block drafts from blowing in around door frames. Sleeves of long sleeved old shirts can make smaller ones for on the sill of your windows.

Old clothes don't just need to get thrown away. You can use a little creativity and make lots of useful things out of them. Expanding the life of your clothes can take on a whole new meaning with projects like these.

Thoughts on Terrorism.

I have been thinking about lectures from a philosophy class that I took at college wherein we discussed terrorism. We redefined the term into asymmetrical warfare; warfare wherein one party targets civilians and non-combatants in an effort to disrupt the defense of the other party through the creation of divisive social responses, such as fear and xenophobia. We examined the logic of such tactics and what concepts they were rooted in. (Huge simplification, the terrorists don't see civilians, they consider the entire population as legitimate targets.)

One of the things that I came away from the class with was the understanding that you can not fight terrorism like traditional wars. You simply can not overwhelm them with force of arms. A lot of people make arguments like we should 'bomb the terrorists back to the stone age.' This is really saying that we should treat them like a traditional enemy. It plays into their hands because they want the collateral damage on their side because it creates a population of people who are ideologically ripe for recruiting. If a nation bombs another nation in the attempt to root out terrorist cells, they kill a lot of civilians. That angers a lot of civilians and they want to strike back at the nation bombing them.

Terrorists come in and basically play on the fears of the civilians that are angry. They set up a scenario in the potential recruit's mind where the nation they are in are either unable or unwilling to defend them from the other nation's aggression. Robbed of the venue that is traditionally accessible during a state of war for the angry civilian to strike back at their enemy, they get persuaded that the terrorist route is the only feasible option. This opens them up to the idea that the terrorist organization will enable them to prevent future assaults on their home nation by attacking the enemy nation until they are defeated.

Terrorists will make it a culture war concept in the minds of their potential and actual recruits. They spread propaganda in the regions where they are well entrenched to strengthen this idea. A culture war concept suddenly makes the targets for attack no longer strictly military. In a culture war, every person from the opposing culture is viewed as a combatant. It is probably the height of the US vs THEM mindset. Terrorists benefit from the target nation having this kind of mindset as well.

The target nation's increased fear and anger with the terrorists serves three goals. First, it creates a scenario where the culture becomes increasingly focused on the terrorists to the detriment of their own culture. (Don't believe me, take a look at how many rights have been undermined in the USA since 9/11. Take a look at how the culture's view of people from the Middle East has changed.) Second, it encourages the culture to become increasingly militarized which serves to legitimize the claim that there are no non-combatants. Third, it perpetuates the attacks upon the nation where the terrorists are operating which creates a larger pool of potential operatives.

But wait, this is not the only way that terrorists gain operatives. They actually have that population level off after things hit a certain ratio because of the amount of the civilian population that will flee the region increases with the increased aggressions against the nation where the terrorists are operating. The terrorists gain operatives in other nations and regions by demonstrating how the target nation is assailing the country they operate in. They gain operatives by way of spreading the culture war meme through a population that may potentially be sympathetic to the terrorists. They gain operatives by way of presenting the allies of the target nation as potential enemies and scaring their prospects into joining out of fear that they will be targeted by said nation and allies for various reasons. (This is where the culture war thing is really the terrorists strongest recruitment tool.)

Now, if you can't fight terrorists by way of traditional warfare and the terrorists are successfully recruiting operatives from people who have been taught that your culture is a threat to them, how do you defeat them?

There's two things, I think, that will be effective. First, resist the creation of fear from the terrorists and the erosion of culture that comes with it. This shows the world (and that population that the terrorists want to recruit from) that there is a distinction between civilian and military targets. It makes the people in the target nation and culture more human to the viewers. Second, actively work to cultivate the good will of others within and outside of the target nation. People will be less likely to take up arms and attack you when you present yourself as their ally or at the very least a non-threatening presence.

The real war in terrorism is not fought with bombs or bullets. It is fought with ideas. And right now, I am concerned that we are losing. When I see increased fear of terrorists and xenophobia in my neighbors, I see people who are fitting the mold that the terrorists are creating for them. I refuse to do so. Am I afraid of the idea of a bomb going off when I go out grocery shopping? No. My grocery store really doesn't make a good target for attack. Am I afraid of a bomb going of during Black Friday? No, because there is no logical reason for someone to attack shoppers. (Except for the insane shoppers who cudgel each other over toys. But, they're just acting in accordance with the brand of insanity that overcomes them in the scenario.)

Will I be afraid if something like that happens? No. I will be disgusted. I will be angry but I will not be afraid. I've got two reasons for that. Number one, I really don't enjoy when people tell me what to do (except for in specific circumstances with specific people). I'll resist it out of pure stubbornness and irritation with the concept. Number two, the terrorists, I have decided, are beneath my standard of people to worry about. They are almost always a small population and lack the formal organization of a traditional military to truly do any damage.

Because, terrorists can only do a small amount of damage in the terms of physical harm and loss of life. They don't have the numbers to do it. They want us to think they do. They want us to think that they could strike at any time, but realistically, they can't. They simply don't have the organization or forces to do so. If they did, traditional warfare would be an option because they would have a structure to disrupt, supply chains to break, and troops to eliminate.

You want to fight terrorism? Go about your day unafraid. Or, even better, go out and help someone and cultivate that idea that we're human after all and give a damn about the rest of the world.

Fiber Fun Update.

I am taking a break from working on my novel and my spinning to make baby stuff. Beloved's cousin's wife is having a baby shower and I am working on a couple of quick gifts. Right now, I'm working on a hat. I expect to have it done this afternoon. Tonight, I'm going to whip off a pair of mittens and a pair of booties. Tomorrow, if I can manage it, I'm going to make a little stroller blankie.

I have this thing. For pretty much every baby that has been born into the family, I have made a blankie and some kind of garment for them to wear. It's just something I do. I only have one kid I didn't make something for and, in my defense, that was because the year leading up to him showing up in the world was really rough. I didn't get much, if any, crafting done that year. I am not thrilled with the colors of this baby yarn but I know it will be soft against a newborn's skin, which is why I'm using it.

The stroller blankie, however, I am going to go stash diving and make up something with vivid colors in a granny square. They don't know the sex of the baby. It's going to be a surprise. So, I'm trying for gender neutral colored stuff.

Here's a pic of the hat in progress. I started it about 10 minutes ago. I'm using sport weight yarn with an H hook.

Mom stuff > Writer stuff.

So, my eldest is home from school today. He last night told me that his stomach was bothering him. He didn't eat most of his dinner. So, I decided that he was perhaps telling the truth and kept him home from school today. Now he is sitting up in his bed insisting that he is fine and he should get up and play. I, however, have been telling him that if he is sick then he needs to stay in bed and rest. If he is not sick, then he lied to me and he will be in trouble. As a result, his arguments that he is fine have quieted down.

I know he is bored. That was the plan. I decided last night if he was truly sick that rest would make him better. If he wasn't sick, then rest was going to bore him enough that he wasn't going to want to stay home from school again and lie about being sick. It is 9:30 am and we have had about 7 'Is it lunch time yet?' from him. He has his bear and the bucket if he feels sick to his stomach. Aside from that he's got nothing but his bed clothes. As a result, he is bored. Which is according to plan. It irritates me, mildly, that I have to sit at the couch and keep an eye on him rather than sit at the desk to write.

I have discovered that listening to music on headphones whilst typing has made for a more immersive experience, which equates to greater typing speed and inspiration. But, because I need to listen for him causing mischief, I can't do that right now. It is a bit frustrating. Still, I am attempting to do my work and get stuff going as I would any other day. I right now have a few bills to pay and to call in a few prescriptions for Beloved to pick up on his way home from work this evening. Aside from this, I have a sink full of dishes to wash and laundry to fold.

I was sick last week so I didn't get much housework done. As a result, I am playing catch up right now. I have been putting a bunch of stuff aside to focus on my writing. I am participating in NaNoWriMo again. I have met the 50K word count goal. I am actually close to 60K. But my plot is only half completed. Thus, my focus is on finishing the story by the end of the month rather than hitting a word count number. I also need to spend some time knitting because I've got Beloved's sweater only 1/4 of the way finished.

I have been doing some spinning over the last several days when I felt well enough. I am almost finished with the first batt of the raspberry pink fiber that my mother in law gave me last summer. It isn't as soft and as lush as the fiber of the same color that I used to start a scarf a while back. That is because the fiber content is different. That yarn is made from 50% merino, 30% tencel, and 20% silk, if I recall correctly. It was really nice to spin up and the first bit of yarn I ever spun using a distaff.

I have some fiber with the same content as this pink yarn. But it is in shades of grey. I posted a picture of it after Fiber Fest a little while back, you may have seen it. I am saving that to spin after I have finished the second batt of the raspberry pink merino. I don't know what I'm going to make with the stuff I'm spinning right now. I do think, however, I'm going to ply the singles from the two batts together on my kick spindle. I have fiber to comb or flick card but I just haven't gotten to it.

The spinning stuff is going to take a back seat to Yule gifts. I still have several things to finish up. I have decided not to make sweaters for the boys. If I finish Beloved's sweater by early December, I may make them new hats. I will, however, be buying them sweaters as gifts. They're outgrowing the ones they have from last year. I suspect that this winter is going to be as bitter as last winter was, thus the sweaters will be a necessity.

I have been working on a bag of fun stuff for one of my youngest nieces but I realized that what I gathered were all targeted at a lower age group than what she is in. So, I have to start that all over again. I don't know what exactly I am going to give her but I will figure something out. I will be ordering proof copies of my books soon and I intend to give some to my older nieces (and my cousin). I was really entertained to learn that one of the girls was super excited to discover that I am an author.

I honestly thought that everyone in the family knew this. Apparently this somehow got missed. I think she is going to be thrilled to get copies of my books. I have several people waiting for copies of book two. Now that I have gotten the last of the issues with printing handled, I will be getting hard copies to give as gifts to a few folks. I have a manuscript to finish that I wanted done by Yule. I don't know if I am going to accomplish that, to be honest. Getting sick last week put me behind schedule on the fantasy novel I'm working on. Which cuts into the time I have for working on the other project.

With Yule gifts still needing to be finished, I am going to have to put the manuscript on the back burner to get those done. Perhaps if I schedule my time properly, I will get some writing time in while I'm working on that. We'll see. In the meantime, I need to finish this post and get my chores done.

Mondays suck.. the life out of me.

The last week has been exhausting. I found myself spending a significant portion of last week resting just because I didn't have the energy to get stuff done (even with loads of coffee involved). It didn't help matters that I had a migraine last week. And it didn't help matters that my psych issues were causing me problems. It was a taxing week.

This week is shaping up to be equally exhausting. Today, I took Cuddle Bear to the dentist. (If you're local to me and looking for a pediatric dentist, seriously look at Pittsford Pediatric Dentistry. They're really good.) That went fairly well. He actually seemed to enjoy the process. The boy was real excited to get a helium balloon when his appointment was done. We scheduled the follow up and then spent the rest of the day off running errands.

I made the mistake of taking him to Spirit Halloween. The costume that he decided was the best turned out to be nearly $40. It took a little trickery but I managed to distract him from it and convince him that putting something together at home would work best. He has finally decided that he wants to be a train engineer like the guys over at the Livonia, Avon, and Lakeville Railroad. So, we got him a neon colored jacket and I'm going to try to print of a copy of their logo to make a button with it so we can pin it on his jacket.

Tomorrow is going to be another busy day because it is Snuggle Bug's trip to the dentist. And I suspect we will have as much wandering around to get stuff done. I don't know if I'm going to be able to manage a quick trip to the laundromat to get a load of kid's clothes done or not. If I can accomplish it, it would be a good thing. And then Wednesday I have my appointment with my psych. So, that sucks up half the week with running around town doing stuff. Then comes Thursday and Friday, where I try to catch up on all the stuff that I haven't been able to finish over the preceding the days.

I feel like I'm doing a lot of whining here. Which, I guess is ok because it is my blog. But I'm not entirely happy with it. It's been a long day and after long days, I tend to see the bad side of everything. I mean, I'm looking at my plants and seeing the one that is unhealthy in stark contrast to the rest when earlier today I didn't even notice it. (I think I killed one of my six ivy plants. It's not even a big loss but I'm irritated with it. And the stupid mold came back despite my treating the soil with vinegar, which I think may have killed the plant.)

TL:DR - Mondays suck. And I think this week is going to as well.

Life Hack # 1 - Organized kitchen pans.

This week, I don't have a recipe for you but I do have something that still deals with the kitchen. If you're like me, you have a lot of pans and it is probably hard to sort through them all when you keep them in that drawer under the stove. (I think that there are stoves made now that still have this feature, but I know that there are shelves that get everything thrown on them too.) I was having problems with getting the right pan in quick order for cooking. Let me tell you, when it is a day where dinner's late, you don't want to hunt through a stack of pans to find the one you want. It makes everybody cranky.

There is, however, an option. If you have wall space free and it is a good sturdy one, placing some hooks to hang pans from is a fantastic idea. Some lucky folks have the money and the space to splurge on an over head pot rack. Those are pretty awesome for your light weight pots, but I don't trust 'em with my cast iron. Those I would still hang on the wall. Make sure that your hook is large enough to accommodate a little room for your lid to hang with the pot and you can keep your lids right with them.

Some of us are lucky enough to have deep cupboards where we can store more than just food. Here is where I use the free standing miniature shelves and paper sorters. I use the paper sorter to hold my light weight pans and my cast iron. It works well because it converts the space used from being the widest part of the pans to the narrowest. This means you can fit more pans in there. And you can keep the lids with the pans in another sorter right beside or below it. Or, if you don't have the shelf space, you can hang your lids.

Those command hooks from 3M are really amazing. I like the ones that you can remove eventually. This is because we are renting our home and someday we'll move. That means we'll have to get rid of the hooks. They hold a good deal of weight. I have two of them holding my kids backpacks next to the door. (I'll talk about how I made an entryway where there wasn't one next week.) There is usually enough distance between the door and the shelf itself that you can hang a pot lid in there with out any problems closing the door.

Those free standing shelves I mentioned I use for my sauce pots. I keep the lids on the pots and set them one over the other on the shelf. It effectively doubles your space. And, if your cupboard is wide enough, you have a little bit of space at either side where you can slide in another pan that fits. What you have left to worry about then is cookie sheets. And you can keep those piled up in that drawer under the stove with no big deal. Because you'll have the rest of your pans put away nice and tidy.

There's the first of my occasional life hack posts. I don't know how often I'll be sharing them, but I will be doing this instead of recipes when I have one of those days where I can't pick what to post. Have a beautiful day everyone.