winter

winter

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Do I get some wine?

It has been a long couple of days. My eldest is home from school. He's got some kind of virus. Probably a cold. He had a fever but it broke. We sent him in to school thinking he'd be fine. About 20 minutes later, the school called us to pick him up. The nurse declared he looked miserable and mentioned that he shouldn't be in school until after 24 hrs free from fever. Thus, he came home.

And has pretty much been acting like his usual self with a bit of a cold. I don't know if I should send him in tomorrow or if the school nurse will declare he must come home again. My anxiety says that they'll get upset with me if I send him. The rest of me says that aside from a bit of a cough, Cuddle Bear is pretty much fine. I'm probably going to discuss it with Beloved. Because I'm not thinking quite clearly right now.

This adjustment to medication business is ... not fun. I'm no longer so depressed that I feel like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat or feeling utterly numb, but I'm not at 'normal' yet either. I still am struggling with this eerie sense of depersonalization that comes with this stuff. I feel like I'm half dissociated and I am really not enjoying it. I can't manage to feel warm at all. I'm presently wearing a thermal undershirt and a hoodie. I'm about to grab a shawl. I feel like I'm freezing and it is about 70 in the apartment right now. I know this is not normal.

I'm still anxious. I have been trying to keep myself busy so that I am not sitting here perseverating over all the possible things that could go wrong right now. I have not been very successful, though I do have two very lovely washcloths now, a new wooden beaded mala, and Beloved's sweater is just about on point. I don't have much energy. I don't have much appetite either. I'm beginning to think that perhaps I am still feeling depressed, it is just not quite as severe.

I've been drinking tea like it is going out of style. I made a pitcher of iced tea this afternoon that I will be having at dinner time. I don't know if the kids are going to want any. It is peach iced tea, so if they don't like it I'll have no qualms about finishing it off. My head hurts. I don't know if it is because I've been grinding my teeth, aura symptoms of a migraine, or if it is my medication. For all I know, it could be low blood sugar too.

I've only been eating about a cup of food at mealtimes, at best. Tonight, I anticipate eating about half of a pork chop and some veggies for dinner. I know this isn't good for me. I'm pretty sure that I've lost some weight over the last week of this nonsense. A part of me is worried about this becoming a thing and my almost-eating disorder coming back into the picture. When I brought up my worries about this, it was like when I brought up my worries about the hypomanic symptoms, I got brushed off and told not to be so anxious about it.

A part of me says I should just let it go. It says that I should just stop trying to manage all of this shit and 'trust the doctors.' Regardless of the fact that trusting these people to have my best interests at the forefront of their minds resulted in major problems in the past. Another part of me says I should just stop caring so much about this because I'm not going to be taken seriously by anyone anyhow. I've got the dual strikes against me of being female and having mental illness.

Then there is that part of me that just doesn't stop. It says that I am going to go forward and make shit happen, even if I have to march through Helheim to do it. It says that I should continue to press to get proper treatment of my condition. It says that I should get up everyday to take care of the things I need to do and meet my responsibilities. It says that I should force the world to my will. Because there is no other option.

Fortunately, that is the part that usually wins out.

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