Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Powder keg.

I am not entirely in my right mind right now. I am on edge. I am hiding from the rest of the family and listening to super calming music because the stimuli of the living room is too much for me right now. I am no longer shaking or feeling so anxious, agitated, and angry that I'm ready to have a screaming meltdown in the middle of the kitchen. I can't concentrate. The ativan helped some. I can feel this all is still there but the volume is turned down some. It is probably the only reason why I am collected enough to post right now or listen to music here.

I don't know how I'm going to sleep. My brain is telling me that I have wasted food that we needed and that it will make the kids go hungry because of my screw up. I have this sense of guilt over the fact that I made more dishes to wash. I also have it going on because I just didn't manage to get a cooked dinner done for Beloved and the kids. (Sandwiches were for the boys and Beloved said he'll figure something out for himself. Making the sandwiches was hard for me. I was ready to throw the butter knife across the room because the peanut butter wasn't spreading as evenly as I wanted it to.)

A part of me says I should start folding laundry right now. Another part of me says that it will be a huge pile on the bed when it is time for me to go to sleep and just make things worse. I feel like my head is winding up and going faster with each moment. There is no giddy euphoria with this. Just tension, suppressed screaming at the children for being a little loud, and shaking. I am making a point of staying away from anything that I could possibly use to hurt myself right now.

Earlier, before the Ativan kicked in, I found myself ready to start hitting myself because of my fuck up with dinner. I don't know why this is happening. I'm worried about it. I just want to be calm. I just want to get to sleep and wake up normal. I don't want this happening. I feel helpless and scared right now even as I am angry and anxious. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if this is continued fallout from the bad flashback I had last weekend. I don't know if it is something else going on with me.

I am trying to calm myself down. I am failing. I'd be knitting right now but I'm so torqued up I can't see myself handling dropped stitches well at all. What am I going to do when the Ativan wears off? Is this going to be the rest of the night? I don't know. I'm scared.

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