I posted about this on FB yesterday. I've had a little time to calm down from incandescent rage that I was literally shaking with when it hit. I don't know what to do right now. I really don't know what to say or do. I know that my monthly meeting with my psychiatric provider didn't start well when I was basically kink shamed for wearing my collar. (Because obviously I'd wear it only for attention or to shock people, right?) I wore it because I had been super anxious for about a week now. Wearing the collar makes me feel safe, secure, and loved.
I started out wearing a necklace that was collar like. It was very light weight and after a while, I could't feel it. I gradually switched to heavier necklaces before I got to the two necklaces that are public friendly collars and the leather one. The one that I had made (pink band of tunisian crochet superwash wool with an o ring in the center and button closure at the back) soon became hard for me to focus on because the anxiety was encouraging me to dissociate. So, I put on the chain collar necklace. It worked a little better but I kept having lots of ... discomfort and upset. So, I finally put on the leather one.
A huge amount of the anxiety that had been troubling me was... not lifted so much as diminished because it was easier for me to feel the collar's presence on my neck. It also helped that the rings on it jangled a little bit as I was moving, which helped provide something of an auditory cue that it was there. The two things worked together to help me stay 'embodied' and focused on the present, in addition to all the warm fuzzies that are associated with the collar.
So, I was somewhat disappointed when my psychiatric provider took one look at the collar and said 'That's not you.' I revealed that it is indeed a facet of myself, simply one that I keep quiet. She scoffed and gave a somewhat sarcastic 'Ok.' Looking back, that really set the tone for the rest of the session. We had our discussion about my symptoms. She focused on trying to figure out what I was 'reacting to' in being depressed right now. I got very ... frustrated with that line of discussion.
I said very bluntly "I have been depressed since November. Something needs to change." She started to try to talk me into sticking with the medications I was on at the time when I reiterated that it wasn't working and something needed changed. This was when it became apparent that I have been on pretty much every SSRI on the market and acclimated to them all as she reviewed my history. That was because the one she suggested at first, I flatly declined with the statement that the last time I was on it, I wound up in the hospital for suicidal thoughts.
So, she has me now on an SSNRI. I voiced my concern about how I am bipolar and I was worried that my medication may cause me to have a full blown manic episode or suicidal depression. She pooh-poohed my concerns and then told me that in the records, I had a diagnosis of unipolar depression with pyschotic features. I... I got angry. She presented it as though she did not change the diagnosis. And I am inclined to believe her. I don't think psychiatric nurses have the credentials to diagnosis.
I tried explaining that I have the symptoms of bipolar and I essentially got brushed off. The appointment ended with my basically shutting down emotionally and her not noticing. I find myself wondering if the collar is going to come up in my therapy session in two weeks. I don't know what to do right now. A part of me is furious because I am again in a position where I need to defend my diagnosis and justify my needs to the psychiatric professional I am working with. I have never had this problem at any of the hospitals I have gone into. Just with this damn clinic.
And the anxiety is crippling when I am not dissociating due to it. I have problems with being in the position where I have to justify my need for medical care. I think it is tied to the fact that I had health problems as a kid that my parents decided not to address because they decided that I had to by lying to them. Only to discover between 25 to 30 years later that all the things I was complaining about were legit problems. But, when I get sick and I need help, I get terrified that the people around me are not going to believe me and decide that I am a hypochondriac. I get fucking twisted up into knots over the idea that they're going to deem me an attention whore and dismiss me.
So, this has jumped onto the pile of general anxiety that I was struggling with over the last week. I started the new medication today. I've started seeing some side effects. I have a lower appetite than usual. My mood is not up much but my energy levels keep going up as the day goes on. If I go into one of my hypomanic states, I am going to call my psychiatric care provider and say something to the effect of 'see, this is a legit thing.' If it turns into something beyond that, I will take what measures I need to.
But, knowing that I haven't been getting treated for what I have makes me angry. I feel like there would be less chaos in my life if I was on the right medication. I worry that I am not going to get it because I have a hard time remember what happens in these different mental states. When I'm depressed, I literally can't remember shit. When I am hypomanic, I don't have the attention span to recall stuff and think I'm normal. It only becomes apparent to me if I am having difficulty because of my temper being screwed up. The wonky sleep doesn't get noticed until afterwards.
But, when I go into my psych appointments, I have problems remembering stuff outside of the mood I a m in at the time. And most of the time, I am depressed.