The boys have been off from school this week. It has been exhausting. They have been full of energy and up to mischief. This is not a surprise or a change from their present patterns of behavior. I, however, have been really struggling to keep up with them. I am thankful that they go back to school on Monday because I am worn out. It makes me concerned that their next break is going to be just as difficult for me to navigate.
Last weekend, I had a bad flashback. I think it has been contributing to the fact that I don't feel well right now. Usually, I bounce back from a flashback fairly quickly. A day or two later and I am functioning more or less like I usually do. This week, however, I have had so much difficulty concentrating and I have been more anxious than usual. It didn't help that Tuesday was a really hard day for me. I had an episode where I got very anxious and angry for a while. Thankfully, Beloved was home and he was managing the kids. I was having a bad day Tuesday because I was feeling very depressed to begin with. The anxiety and anger just hit me out of nowhere.
A friend of mine said it sounded like how her anxiety attacks manifest. It makes me think that I should do a little research and see if part of my problems with anger are actually problems with anxiety. I am so tired of dealing with depression, anxiety, and all the rest of the mess that is my psyche right now. I said the other night that I hated my brain. Beloved replied that it was a shame that I felt that way because he thinks it is my most attractive feature. It was a very gentle reproach. But, it is a reminder none the less that I need to stop hating facets of myself because they're not perfect. It is more of that all or nothing thinking that I struggle with.
I haven't done any spinning in the last two months. I just haven't had the motivation to do so. I look at the beautiful fiber and my delightful spindles. I just felt numb despair that nothing I did would be good enough and I walked away. I have been feeling that way about many things right now. I know it is depression talking. It is exhausting and disheartening. I don't know if how I am feeling right now is an indication that I am improving. My writing on here is not inspired by anything or the fruit of some feeling that I need to write. It is more motivated out of guilt for my silence than anything else.
I don't know if that is a good thing or not. It has been hard for me to get into an appointment to see my therapist. Over the last month, almost month and a half now, we have been playing phone tag. Either I am sick or she has been sick. A part of me says that scheduling a session is a futile effort because something is going to come up. It is the same part of me that says everything is useless.