Killing time. Die, time die!

Good Wednesday to you all.

I'm currently in between chores right now. I've gotten about half of the things on my 'To Do' list done. My living room is still a disaster but this week is the kitchen zone so I'm not going to panic over it. I've done something of a reboot on FLYLady. It is my hope to get this nonsense of falling away from it when I'm depressed dealt with it.

Mood wise, I am relatively stable right now. Maybe this cocktail of medications is working. I don't spend as many days depressed as I had before. Now I just want to get the other psychological fires put out so that I can move on to other things. I'm feeling a bit impatient with myself, but that's not too terribly different from usual.

Snuggle Bug just isn't feeling well today. He's been really fussy and clingy. I think he has caught some sort of cold. He doesn't want to eat and only grudgingly will drink something. It makes me think he may have a sore throat. Snuggle Bug has been napping off and on all day. I suspect that he will sleep well tonight, even with all of these naps. It is my hope that he feels better tomorrow. While apart of me appreciates the break I am getting from chasing him all over the house, I don't want him to be feeling miserable.

Cuddle Bear has been doing pretty good with using his words at school. Now I just need to get him to do it more at home. Over the last few weeks, the boys have gotten into quite a few wordless screaming matches and shoving/hitting/kicking each other. It's mainly been when Beloved is off at work. There was a couple of shoving matches over the weekend, though. I'm wondering if it's just that the boys have hit the 'terrible twos' stage or if they're acting out because they want Daddy.

Beloved has been working late for the last several weeks. He's getting vacation time, which is good. I'm hoping that maybe he'll get to take some time off and hang out with me and the kids before kindergarten starts in September. I'm looking forward to him having a three day weekend at the end of the month. I'm hoping it will be enough to ease some of the lines of worry out of his face. I try not to worry over him but this job has him way too stressed out.

I'm trying to think of anything else major to add right now. I'm a quarter of the way done on my knitted shawl. I have been spinning like a mad woman in preparation for Tour de Fleece. I used up all the fiber I had kicking around and had to beg some off of my MiL. To say the least, she was giggling as she dropped off a *big* ball of fiber. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all of the handspun that I've been getting whipped off. I do know this, however, learning to use that Navajo spindle is going to be tricky. That is my goal for TdF this year. I figure last year I spun a full mile (actually a mile and 33 yards), this year I can do just about anything I want.

I've been making hats lately. Some of them have been really funky looking. I'll try to post up pictures of them soon. It's just been a matter of playing around with the crochet hook and yarn. I have used up most of the handspun that I have made in a shawl and a few hats. I'm still trying to pick what pattern I'm going to make with that really lovely purple handspun that my MiL gave me for Yule a few years ago.

 Right now, I need to run and finish up my housework while Snuggle Bug is napping. I hope that all of you have a great day! <3

I don't know how I did it...

Some how, over the last few months I lost two dress sizes. I was a size 14 in December. Now I am a size 12. This explains why stuff has been almost falling off me. Today, I bought myself some more scarves. I bought two pairs of shorts. (It doesn't make sense to call them 'pairs' when they are single items. Our language is weird at times.) I also have a new blouse.

[...]

My random clicking and reading things on the internet brought me to the wikipedia entry about Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I read the entire thing. I've spoken with veterans of World War II. One of them is my great-uncle Gene. These people are not people who take life or death lightly. I have, when I had the opportunity, asked them about their thoughts about this event.

An overwhelming number of them still stand in support of it. They are utterly convinced that it was correct to have used that weapon. Some of them even said that we should use it in Afghanistan. These are not blood thirsty monsters but rather people who have seen and had to do horrific things. Taking another man's life is not something to be done casually.

I must admit, I do not think the atomic bomb should have ever been invented. I do not think it should have ever been used. I feel the same way about biological warfare. I feel the same way about chemical warfare. I feel the same way about carpet bombing. I feel the same way about asymmetrical warfare (aka urban warfare aka terrorism).

War is a blight upon the Earth. It is among the greatest crimes that man can commit against the world. There is little difference, in my eyes, between war and genocide. Does this mean that we should be pacifists? If someone were to invade my home, should I not use deadly force to protect myself and my family? No. The use of deadly force when it is necessary is appropriate. We have the right to defend ourselves.

If this world were more just, war would not happen. The only time a fist was raised would be to defend oneself. Disagreements between nations would be settled by negotiation rather then arms. That is my dream. That humanity could live in peace with itself and the world, taking only what was needed and working to preserve the rest.

Sadly, however, war happens. Humans are terribly clever. We like to find ways to improve our skills in various areas and to be more efficient in our activities. This has even extended to how to kill. We have not only learned how to kill more effectively but also how to do it with less concern for the moral and ethical questions involved. People have been increasingly dehumanized. This makes the jump from 'person' to 'enemy combatant' to statistic easier. This makes the process of war more efficient.

It is something that I am deeply ashamed of. And my soul weeps for the civilians who are killed for the crime of being alive and native to the wrong country. I grieve the dead who were counted as 'acceptable losses' and robbed of their humanity. I question sometimes if any one else does so? Some one must remember them, lest we completely descend into monstrosity.

A recipe for Beltaine

I posted this up on my blog at Keen. I call it Beltaine Fruit Fool for Lovers. It is a variation of the Fruit Fool recipe that my Aunts taught me when I was much younger and learning to cook. It is incredibly simple and utterly decadent. A wonderful treat for lovers to share. And if you have some extra whipped cream left over, you always have many more options for how to use it. ;)

Ingredients
1 pint strawberries (cleaned, hulled, and quartered; reserve 2 for garnish)
1 pint heavy cream
1 tbsp vanilla
2 tbsp confectioner's sugar

Using a scrupulously clean bowl and whisk (both chilled in the refrigerator for 15 minutes), whip the cream until soft peaks begin to form. Beat in vanilla and confectioner's sugar until soft peaks form. Gently fold the strawberries into the whipped cream. Spoon into bowls and garnish with whole strawberry. Serve immediately.

Random thoughts for the day.

I've been busy lately. Snuggle Bug had a few days of testing recently. We're working on determining what services he is going to need when he starts preschool this summer. Currently, he is getting speech therapy and occupational therapy. There was a suggestion made for physical therapy. It was not because he is weak but because his skill present as a much younger child. This was also the case with Cuddle Bear, so I'm not too concerned. I'm just kinda worn out from all the running around.

In my efforts to stream line my home management stuff, I've come to the conclusion that we need to have another toy purge. I think part of the reason why there is always so many toys all over the floor is because the kids are overwhelmed by what they have. This means either giving away toys they have out grown or putting some aside into storage. It is a project for when both boys are off at preschool. Thus, it is going to be on either a Monday or a Friday that I do this. I know that as I get the toys under control, it will help me get the living room under control. This will help me feel empowered to take on the rest of the stuff.

I've become rather taken with the idea of Bento box lunches for the kids. As I don't have a toddler/preschooler sized Bento box, I picked up a few divided Tupperware containers. I'm going to start packing them for their lunches on the weekends and the days they are home from school. My morning routine is now going to include whipping together lunches. If I can manage to get myself and the kids into the habit of boxed lunches, it will make things like putting together Cuddle Bear's lunches for when he starts school in September a lot easier.

I finally busted out my sewing machine in the attempt to get caught up on the pile of sewing I have to do. I then discovered that my efforts to fix what ever its issue is were filled with fail. So, the sewing machine has been put away and I'm foraging on with hand stitching. As it stands right now, I have a veil that is half hemmed. It is made from the really bright pink floral print fabric that I bought a few years ago to make a wrap to carry Snuggle Bug in. Amusingly enough, that wrap has never really been used because Snuggle Bug has been a far too wiggly child to agree with it. I still have it put aside because I just adore the fabric. I may wind up using the wrap some other way. It has the dimensions of some of the larger wraps used by women in Southeast Asia, so I may have some new summertime outfits based upon this garment.

I've decided to try a cooking experiment. A few folks have talked about making 'hard boiled' eggs in the oven. I'm going to give it a try. I have two dozen eggs, one of which is going to be stale by this time next week. So, I am going to cook that dozen and make up egg salad for lunches. I am also going to put a few 'hard boiled' eggs aside for the boys to have as part of their dinner at some point next week too. I figure if I can find more ways to get protein into them, they'll put on a bit more weight.

At the WIC appointment last week, I was told that my boys are on the small side of things. I wasn't too surprised by that. There was some concern expressed over how Cuddle Bear is doing with weight gain. It doesn't help matters much that these boys are picky eaters. Their suggestions for how to get more veggies and proteins into the boys kinda made me laugh. It's what I am already attempting to do and not having much success. Hopefully, by offering more hearty snacks for after school time and getting creative with how I put meals together, I can get them to eat a wider variety of foods.

Thoughts on Teen Pregnancy.

I read this article and I found myself thinking about the circumstances of my own birth. My mother was seventeen when I was born (one week prior to her 18th birthday, to be precise). At the time, she was already a high school drop out. My parents married a little over a month and a half before I was born. I was born three months prematurely.

The area that I live in is not terribly well known for teen pregnancy. I can only imagine the kind of potential harassment that my mother had to deal with when she went into the grocery store. I was married and in my late twenties when I was pregnant with Cuddle Bear and I was harassed. It makes me question if there were better support in place if my parents would have waited to conceive me. At the same time, RockerChick was conceived and born while her father (my brother) and her mother were still teens in school.

Thirteen years later, I question if the needed knowledge was disseminated by the sex education classes we took. It seems like a lot of teens don't realize that some one can get pregnant on their first time having vaginal intercourse. It seems like many people who are in their twenties (and several in their thirties) don't understand that basic fact. It makes me feel disappointed with the whole affair.

Many people flail about screaming something about babies having babies. I still say the answer is prevention. And that prevention is a result of education. We can't just teach kids the mechanics of sex. We need to teach them about how to be responsible with sex. And for those teens who wind up pregnant, we need to provide them the same supports that we offer to grown women.

And I am of the opinion that greater supports need to be available to women who are in areas of economic distress. If we work together we can not only ensure the health and well being of these people and their children. We can maintain the strength (if not increase it) of the community. A community where people are educated, healthy, employed, and have it within their means to 'follow their bliss' is going to be one that is strong.

Somedays, however, I get the distinct impression that such a thing exists only in my imaginations.

Yay for self-publishing!

A good friend of mine self-published a book. Here's the link to it. He's a really smart guy and has a quirky (but awesome) sense of humor. I haven't had a chance to read it yet, but when I do, look for a post about it.

The really awesome part is he's said he can help me figure out how to do this self-publishing thing. To say the least, I'm really excited for him and hoping that his book takes off. *SQUEE* This is so exciting!

Play dough & more garden rambling

Snuggle Bug was introduced to play dough today. He tried to eat it a few time and then decided it was more fun to squish against the table. I figure if I make it a regular activity it may serve to help build his fine motor coordination. It is one of a list of activities that were suggested by his occupational therapist.

On Tuesday, we had 'homework time' after dinner. Snuggle Bug was given a coloring book and crayons. Cuddle Bear and I practiced writing the letter 'I'. I figure since the preschool is sending Cuddle Bear home with activities to do, I may as well get the boys into the habit of sitting down after dinner and doing 'homework'. I think it will make it less of a shock when school starts sending it home.

Yesterday we went down to the hardware store. The boys really like going in there and saying hello to the owner. He and his staff enjoy having their smiling little faces pop in regularly and make a point of giving them lollipops when they've been good in the store. The visit to the hardware store wasn't just about being social. I was also buying some supplies.

I had been reading a few different websites on how to make your own greenhouse. One of them talks about making a frame and covering it over with plastic sheeting that is typically used to cover windows. I've a frame from when we lived at the old apartment in Lima. (The one with the drug dealers next door.) The plastic cover for that mini greenhouse got destroyed over the winter. I've decided to make a new one with some plastic sheeting and duct tape. It is probably going to look pretty ugly, but I just want it to be functional.

I have cut up plastic bottles over the seeds that I planted early in pots. Right now, all of my potted plants are inside. The weather turned cold and I didn't want to have them get burned by frost. The warmth of the apartment seems to be doing the plants good. I wish I had more light in that back hallway, but I think this is going to just be for a few days.

Fortunately, we're near the lake which helps keep the air warmer then it would be on the top of a hill, like at my parents-in-law's place. Looking at the weather maps and such, I am optimistic that by the end of the weekend it will be warm enough for me to put the plants back outside. I'm hoping that we don't get any snow accumulated over the next few days. I'm just tired of cold weather and want it to finally be spring.

Gardening Notes & Rambling

I have several pots of plants out front. In them I have:

• Dianthus (seeds)
  
• Tulips (pink in one pot, random color in the other)
• Lavandula officinalis (seeds)
  

In the partial sun bed, I have:

• Tulips (random color)
• Daffodils
• Narcissus
• Hyacinths
• Impatiens (seeds)
• Forget-Me-Not

In the deep shade bed, I have:

• Narcissus (which *really* needs moved)
• Coleanthus (seeds)
• Columbine (seeds, which may or may not grow)
• Impatiens (seeds)

On the back deck, I have pots with:

• Geraniums (pink and orange)
• Ivy
• Dwarf marigold (seeds)
• Pansies (seeds)
• Nasturtium (seeds)
  
• Strawberries

I've yet to fill my remaining pots with soil. I plan to grow:

• Roses
  
• Tomatoes
• Peas
• Squash
• Peppers
• Basil
• Mint
• Thyme
• Blue berries (if I can find one that'll grow in a pot for me)

I've spoken with the landlord and he is willing to supply the materials to make a circular raised bed where the fire pit was. Area of the circular bed = 20 ft It is a partial sun spot that get's predominantly morning and afternoon sun. I will need to do a little bit of planning for that spot. I must, however, not forget to discuss with him the acquisition of mulch and a few other plants for the deep shade bed. I'm fairly sure that a good number of the seeds I planted are not going to do very well in that bed. It is in the shade all day.

I may, however, get lucky. He just might be willing to spring for a bleeding heart or something else equally showy for the hanging basket by the front door. I am considering planting some morning glories and training them up the side of the building. We'll see if he goes for that concept or not. And if the seeds I saved from a few years ago are still even any good.

yarn.

I'm currently working on getting myself ready for the Tour de Fleece. I did it last year and spun a full mile of thread. This year, I am going to focus on getting the braid of pink roving used up. Currently, I am working on getting back into practice. Part of what I am doing is spinning up fiber that I've had stashed for a while. My goal is to have only the pink roving that I got at Yule left to be spun. As such, I have taken the approach:

All Yarn Is Perfect!

Currently, I am spinning up some white Corriedale. Or atleast, I think it's Corriedale. I may be incorrect in my recollection. It's been almost a year since my MiL gave me the bag of fiber. I'm doing a thick-thin yarn and I'm calling it Frigga's Handwork. I'm trying to bring out the fluffiness of the yarn in the thick sections and sort of evoke the fluffiness of the clouds (which Frigga spins with her spindle). I am not thinking about what I am going to do with this yarn. I'm just focusing on spinning it and getting the technique right.

I've spent so much time over the last year spinning lace weight and cobweb weight singles that I really needed to get involved with something with more texture. Thus, this yarn. I'm not sure if I'm going to leave it as a single or ply it with something else. I'm a bit undecided on that front right now.

Right now, I am just spinning and not focusing on making the yarn smooth and even. Because this is an Art Yarn and all textures in it are perfect as they are.

Long day is long.

Today, I overslept again. As such, Cuddle Bear did not go to preschool today. It made for a long day. I did get a little bit of the housework I wanted to do today done. I was thinking about possibly washing some more laundry but decided that it wasn't worth the effort.

The things we did today were:

1. Go for a walk and look at where the town had been doing some construction work. Snuggle Bug was especially charmed by the excavator. He kept reaching out to touch it as we were walking past it. Cuddle Bear had fun jumping over where they had flags marking out where they were yet to dig. Fortunately, no flags were disturbed and it didn't cause any problems. We passed by when they were going on their lunch breaks. A few of the construction workers chuckled at the boys.

2. Grabbed a quick bite to eat. I had half of a Ruben sandwich and fries. The boys split a turkey club sandwich between them. They nibbled on the tomato and ate half of my fries. I saved the leftovers and that was what the kids had for dinner. It was so hot today, I just didn't have it in me to cook anything.

3. Looked for flowers on our walk home. This included looking about the yard when we got home. It was nice to see that the dog violets are up. I am also delighted to report that my hyacinths are blooming. Small purple-blue flowers, but flowers none the less. I don't think the poor things get enough light where they are situated.

4. Did some 'educational' efforts while Snuggle Bug was napping. Cuddle Bear practiced writing his letters and we practiced counting. Cuddle Bear is getting better at picking out the correct number for what he wants to say. He's finally making the connection between what he has counted out loud and the squiggles on the paper. I'm really pleased with this development. Now to just get him willing to work on writing his name.

5. Wandered around the front yard. Snuggle Bug decided that he and I had to walk around the yard to look at the flowers. I made a point of showing him and Cuddle Bear how the trees were getting leaves on them and the tiny flowers they had. Snuggle Bug wasn't that impressed but Cuddle Bear seemed pleased. I got to do a little bit of weeding in one of the flowerbeds on the eastern side of the building. Snuggle Bug insisted on trying to go up to the back deck. When I had enough of that nonsense we went inside. Fortunately, it was time for dinner.

After dinner, the boys watched videos on Youtube. For a while, Cuddle Bear and Snuggle Bug were both sitting in my lap. It was sweet that both of my boys were feeling affectionate. It was also sweltering because it was 75 degrees and I was sitting in front of a sunny window. They had been somewhat whiney and a bit cranky for a good portion of the day. I am inclined to blame the heat.

Supposedly it is to be a good ten degrees cooler tomorrow. I'll believe it when I see it. Theoretically, it is also supposed to rain. I hope it will because I have plants and seeds that needs it. If it doesn't, however, Friday evening, I'll be out with my watering can. I hope to have a better year with the plants this year.

I hate my brain chemistry issues.

It's a beautiful day outside. I don't have a ton of housework to worry over. It just looks worse then it really is due to all the toys scattered on the floor. In fifteen minutes I have gotten the kitchen 90% done. So why do I feel like Sisyphus? Why do I just want to go hide somewhere and cry?

Oh, yeah, I'm bipolar and hormonally off because of my menses. I hate this. I really, truly, and honestly hate this feeling depressed and worthless for no goddamn reason.

I'm trying to trick myself into feeling less depressed by listening to my happy music. It doesn't seem to be working at the moment.

Stomach bug and such...

So, I managed to catch the stomach bug that is making the rounds over here. It made the last few days miserable. Beloved was an absolute angel and minded the kids most of the day today so that I could nap. It's done wonders for how I'm feeling. Now to just get the rest of the nonsense with my stomach sorted out and I'll be all good.

It's amazing how nice it is to eat solid food with out fear of it coming back up. :P

All of that said, I've taken to knitting when I am anxious or doing crochet. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist last week and didn't have any knitting or crochet with me. So I took the few minutes that I had to spare and stopped in wally world. Picked up some extra bulky hot pink yarn and some big needles. Just finished knitting that scarflett (mini-scarf, whatever) this evening as I was waiting for the kids to fall asleep. I also knit several rows on the shawl I'm working on.

I feel a bit disappointed. I am already bored with this thing and I haven't gotten even ten rows done on it. In all fairness, I am knitting a hundred stitches per row so it does get a bit tedious. I may switch from just knitting this to doing some sort of a lace pattern. It is worsted weight yarn, so it will not look quite as airy as it would with fingering or lace weight yarn. At the same time, the lace pattern would keep me from just shoving this thing into a drawer and forgetting about it for days on end (which I have done since I started it a few weeks ago).

Between minding the kids when they were sick last week and being sick myself, I kinda fell of the FLYLady wagon a bit. I'm going to give myself a pass, however, because it wasn't like I really had an option on that front. Puking children don't mix very well with cleaning house, never mind maintaining said clean house. Thankfully, Beloved hasn't caught this thing. Gods willing, he won't. It's a nasty little bug.

Social life? Meh.

I went out last night to the LARP that I participate in. I spent a good chunk of the night feeling somewhat bored and uncomfortable. Add to that the fact that I was completely out of ideas as to how I could cause mischief and it resulted in a fairly uneventful (game wise) session. I spent more time just talking with people I know.

It made me realize just how much I tend to isolate myself. It was a disappointment to realize that. I've been struggling with my mental illness. It was a surprise to see just how much of a struggle it has been to maintain my social contacts even by way of internet activity. I've started working with a social worker in the hopes of building more contacts within the community I live in. I was getting frustrated with that business but neglecting my established social connections.

To say the least that realization bothered me as I drove home. I functionally don't have a social life except for a handful of things I do. I need to correct that. It's not healthy of me to withdraw so much and it is my hope that I will do more to work on that. This little blog entry is essentially my making public a promise to myself: I will maintain my relationships and build more over the next year.

I think it will be harder then learning a new language or finally learning linear algebra. A part of me is filled with dread. That will pass, eventually. To all of my friends that happen to read this, I am sorry that I have been so quiet. I will do my best not to be so quiet moving forward from this point.

I love my kids.

Today has been an exasperating and generally frustrating day. The youngest has been in a contrary mood and the eldest is ill.

Just the same, I love them dearly and wouldn't trade these moments. I am deeply thankful that I have them in my life. I am a blessed woman, even though somedays I have a hard time keeping that fact in sight.

Random thoughts.

I just realized that if I had a single typed page for each entry in here, I would have a book written by now.

It gives me a great deal of hope to see this.

In other news, I'm so annoyed with the kids trashing the room literally behind me as I finish cleaning something up. I absolutely can't wait for preschool tomorrow. Both boys are going to be out of the house for a little while and I can have a little peace.

Things to learn

Here is my list of things that I want to learn this year:

1. Spanish
2. German
3. Nalbinding
4. Tatting
5. Medieval poetry forms
6. Kenning
7. Weaving techniques
8. Solar dying
   
9. Linear algebra
10. How to make a corset
    

feminisim

i am what one would call a classical feminist. my more militant feminist friends would most likely feel that i am not taking a hard enough stance, if not out right betraying 'the cause' in being a housewife. what they forget is that feminism is about giving women the ability to CHOOSE how they're going to live their lives professionally, to CHOOSE how they manage their reproductive and sexual health, and to protect the RIGHT to those choices (among many others).

it's is stolen from my Facebook page.

if you don't know what the story is on feminism here's a good place to start:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminism

Bento boxes!

I have fallen in love with the concept of the bento box. There are lots of great websites that talk about recipes and different ways to design them. I have whipped up a few different ones off and on over the last year or so. Cuddle Bear was a bit to young to really appreciate them when I got started, which left me a bit frustrated.

Now that he is older, however, I can start applying some of these awesome ideas that I have encountered. Tonight, the boys are getting bento boxes for dinner. I made them the following:

• Hummus & cream cheese sandwiches on whole wheat bread
• Apple slices/chunks (crinkle cut with my nifty knife)
• Mini marshmallows and vanilla wafer cookie

I'll be giving them juice with dinner because we have about four bottles of it kicking around here. My plan is to put together boxes for them to have for lunches next week when Cuddle Bear and Snuggle Bug are both off from preschool. (Snuggle Bug is now going to preschool 2 days a week. It's been a relief that he has taken to it so well.)

I'm going to post what I whip together for them to eat. Eventually, I may even get pictures of the meals and the boys enjoying them up on here too.

Making progress...

I've recently finished making gifts. I am now half through wrapping them. I have half of my yule cards out in the mail. On the whole, the only big thing left is decorating. I'm not sure just how aggressively I'll be going after that because the boys are getting into everything.

I am, however, making progress and getting things done. That counts as a win, right?

NaBloPoMo Post #30

I'm finally at the end of the month and I finally have my post count up to where I wanted it to be. Yay! In other news, discussing stuff regarding Cuddle Bear's foray into schooling is so stressful. I understand Beloved getting hot under the collar over it. It was hard, but I managed not to 'catch' his stress. I kept focusing on trying to clarify what he was upset over and trying to clarify where I was coming from. I'm still feeling pretty wound up, but I'm not angry or otherwise feeling poorly.

I guess that's a win, right?

NaBloPoMo Post #29

Random nonsense goes here. I'm doing the lazy man's way out and making a paragraph stand for a blog post. I'm also having a hard time getting my thoughts to slow down long enough to type them up. I type pretty fast, as it is, so I think it may be time for my medication. At least I'm no longer on the verge of a panic attack. But my brain is whirling around faster and faster. I don't like it when I get like this.

But, this is why I have medication.

NaBloPoMo Post #28

So, I am a little past half way finished with my list of Yule projects. I still need to figure out how to get pictures off of the digital camera so I can put together that photo album for my MiL. I hope to pin my husband down tonight and get him to show me what I must do, this way I'm not stuck bothering him a lot later on. I need to go out shopping for two items.

I want to give Snuggle Bug two puzzles for yule. So, I am going to have to hit up the store where I got the one for a second. Then the puzzle box will be full of puzzles again. Which I am sure both kids will enjoy. I also need to go out and buy him a sweater. I know that he has several that were passed down from his big brother but I really feel that I need to get him another. Because quite a few of the hand-me-down sweaters are getting small around the neckline. I want him to be able to actually use them. If I'm lucky, I may manage to find him a hoodie with Cookie Monster on it. Because, Snuggle Bug LOVES Cookie Monster.

I'm at the point now where I am about to start work on two stuffed animals. I also have a hat left to make. It's a tough decision but I think I'm going to finish the hat first because it will be fairly quick to do. Then I can get the animals done and be ready except for wrapping stuff up. And if I work at it diligently, I can be at the point where all of that is taken care of before Yule even.

NaBloPoMo Post #27

I have a lot of stuff put aside for doing scrapbook pages and collages. I should probably get my hands on it and actually start putting these pages together. I think that will serve as my 'Artist Date' this week. I'll take some time Sunday afternoon. That'll be my reward for getting through the week.

If I do a page a week, I should get caught up after a little bit. Or perhaps I'll do two pages. I don't know. But I am not going to get ahead of myself and try to make myself do too much. I want to take as steady and reasonable of a process as I can manage. All of this reminds me, I need to print off pictures of the boys for the photo album that we're going to be giving my MiL for Yule this year. I don't know how we're going to get that done.

I think we'll probably be ordering prints via Wally World. I suspect, however, that will be one of the last things that we require from anywhere for presents. Again, I need to go through the pile of stuff. I should probably start wrapping things now instead of doing it all in a mad rush for the last few days before Yule.

NaBloPoMo Post #26

Well, I'm three posts behind where I wanted to be. I will probably ramble on about politics or something else later on this evening to get my post count caught up. I'm almost finished with NaBloPoMo. As I look back over the month, I am glad I didn't take on NaNoWriMo. I think it would have made getting ready for Yule a nightmare and just stressed me out horribly. So, I suppose I made the right decision this year.

Maybe next year I'll do NaNoWriMo. I'm not going to leave major work on Yule gifts until October next year. That was just foolish of me.

NaBloPoMo Post #25

Ahh, Pakistan. I'd just like to say that I called this one coming a mile away. There's this little thing called sovereignty. When one country ignores it and does what ever the hell they want in another country, the other country is going to get pissed. Now, I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck we thought it was a good idea to take a shit in the sandbox of another NUCLEAR capable nation.

We got Osama Bin Laden, whoopie. And the Taliban is running around doing bad shit, then hiding in Pakistan.

Seriously, that part of the world is a goddamn power keg and it's not going to turn out pretty if we keep trying to boot stomp our way around there.

Of course, reading about this stuff just makes me cranky. Maybe I should go back to reading about happy fun things. Our government is run by idiots. I'm genuinely convinced of this.

NaBloPoMo Post #24

I've been following the news about Syria for a little while now. The UN has finally grown a pair of balls and called the Syrian government on their atrocious treatment of protesters. I think it's because the Arab League has put on their ass kicking boots and are not tolerating Syria's bullshit. Between sanctions and ultimatums, I think they're getting ready to take action if there is no change to the situation.

For my part, I'm rather disgusted that the USA hasn't taken a more decisive stance on the matter. There was an initial statement and then pussy footing around. And I hold Hillary Clinton in even more contempt then I had before because she called this toothless response 'smart power.' I question, Madam Secretary, where is your outrage over the brutal violence against peaceful protesters?

Last I recall, your husband took a stand against similar brutality that was going on in Kosovo. Oh, wait... that was a war. Never mind, we apparently only will act when we feel we have the moral high ground in the event of a ...

Wait? What? Oh yeah... Iraq. Wasn't that where Saddam Hussein was brutalizing his people? We didn't turn a blind eye to that ... well, not over the last few years of his ...

Oops... I guess the US record on human rights is kinda shitty on that front. How many people died because we failed to put on our big kid pants and stood up for what was right?

Let's see, we've got:

Darfur
Somalia
Iraq
Kosovo
Stalin's Russia
Kim Il Sung's North Korea

And that's just the beginning of the list. And we've a place of honor... we're on that list of genocides for Nixon's fun in Vietnam.

The next time some asshat tells me that we have the moral high ground in international politics, I may just beat them to death with a dictionary... like the unabridged one, which if you drop it out a 2nd story window on to someone it'll cause severe injuries because it weighs several pounds.

Good on the Arab League. US, let's get our heads out of our asses and get our shit together.

NaBloPoMo Post #23

I'm way behind on my blogging for the month. I feel a little frustrated with that, to be honest. Of course, as I look back over my last few blog posts I feel a bit embarrassed by them. A paragraph is a bit wimpy, so says the part of my brain that has been insisting that I should have taken on NaNoWriMo this year. I'm working on not being calculatingly critical.

Oh, hells, a paragraph is better then nothing, right? Maybe I'll come up with some other random thoughts to post next. Stargazer did NaBloPoMo and had some entries that were a single sentence. If she did it, so can I.

NaBloPoMo Post #22

I feel worn out. Not physically but emotionally. I think it's just from my hormones being all over the place due to my menses but I'm not entirely sure. A part of me says there's no point to blogging if no one is reading. I've been doing my best to tell that part to shut up, with little success.n

NaBloPoMo Post #21

Short post. Leg hurts. Stomach aches and I've felt cold all day. Blargh.

NaBloPoMo Post #20

It's been a long day today. And yet, here I am at the end of the day more awake then I was in the early part of the day. I don't know why. Perhaps it's just an off moment. Perhaps there's something else at play. Either way, I'm not looking forward to all the work of tomorrow.

I tell myself that I am blessing my home and cleaning a holy place, thus serving my gods and helping my family. Cleaning, however, continues to be drudgery. Some day, I'll change my relationship with it. If I keep telling myself these positive things, I should change my mindset on this, right?

NaBloPoMo Post #19

And now for a bit of fiction...

---

The Priestess walked the halls of the temple beyond the partition of the sanctuary. Cradling a hot cup of tea with honey in it, she proceeded at a stately pace, meditating on her role as head of the order. It was unprecedented that she dropped part of her title during informal interactions. It was equally unprecedented that the High Priestess of the order would work intimately with her junior priestesses. It had earned her the informal title of "Blessed Mother".

On this morning, she was tired and watching the honey colored light slid through the archways to glow in vibrant pools on the marble flagstones. She walked through these pools, half expecting to feel its warmth catch upon her voluminous skirts like water. From one end of the colonnade to the other, she walked. A pair of acolytes knelt near the midpoint of the passage, scrubbing the stones with wide, soft bristled brushes beside a bucket of cold water. The priestess knew they were watching her from the corners of their eyes.

The dark haired woman stopped near the two younger women. The pair remained steadfastly focused on their task despite the silent presence behind them. "Rise and come with me," she said quietly. The acolytes looked at each other. "Floors always need cleaning. It will keep. Now, come with me," the High Priestess of Yulara prompted gently. The pair kneeling before her looked at each other. One resumed scrubbing as the other stood.

With a small gesture of benediction, the priestess turned and began walking again. "Your sister is still too troubled by the world," the priestess said to her young shadow, "Come, walk by my side, not behind me. We are sisters in our service to the gods." Reluctantly, the acolyte walked to the left of the head of her order. The young woman's short hair shone like spun gold in the morning's light as they walked out into the courtyard.

"My dear, do you know why your sister failed to accept my invitation?" the black clad woman asked. The acolyte chewed her lower lip, unsure what the correct answer was and thus remained silent. The Blessed Mother looked over and smiled indulgently. "The wise choose silence when unsure how to respond, you have done well," she said before taking a sip of her tea.

The pair walked to a bench sheltered by a pair of thin trees with silvery green leaves. The brilliant sunlight bathed the courtyard with blinding beauty. It caught in the tresses of the Blessed Mother and made the touch of gray in her hair silver. "Sit, my child," she said, gesturing beside herself on the bench. Obediently, the young woman sat with her hands folded in her lap. The Blessed Mother looked over at the younger woman.

Her blond hair had been cut short as a sign that she was reborn upon her entry into the order. Unlike other maidens under her care, the Blessed Mother noted this young woman maintained the short hairstyle. Her white robes were pristine beneath her dingy gray work smock. The Blessed Mother remembered herself as a maiden of the order, struggling to maintain the pure white of her own robes.

"Tell me, my Daughter," she said, "What is your heart's dearest wish?" The maiden looked over, surprise in her eyes. "You've not taken the vow of silence," the priestess said with a rich chuckle, "So speak, child." The young woman looked at her hands.

"I wish to serve the gods," answered the acolyte, "As you do, Blessed Mother." The priestess smiled, hearing the undertones of the young woman's answer.

"That requires a great deal of study and sacrifice," she said.

"I know. I am willing to do what I must," the acolyte.

The priestess nodded. "Very well. Return to your chores. Take the vow of silence for one year. Then we shall speak again of this," the older woman said, "If you are truly ready for the sacrifices you must make, a year of silence will be a simple thing."

NaBloPoMo Post #18

Random thought: the Duggars are having their 20th child. For some reason, it disturbs me that they've had 20 children. It's not that I begrudge anyone the joy of having kids. It's not that I have an issue with people not using contraceptives in their marital bed. I'd be one huge hypocrite if I got up on the soap box over that.

The thing that disturbed me was the quote from Michelle Duggar:

It feels more natural to be pregnant than not.

I just sat there and went 'Good Goddess preserve me from that mindset!' Honestly, I can't see myself enduring morning sickness and all the other discomforts of pregnancy 20 times. I lack the words to express how much I do not EVER want to experience that. Three time, maybe. 20 times? Hel no!

Good luck to the Duggars. I think all y'all are nuts. But, there's gotta be some crazies in the world to make it go 'round, right?

NaBloPoMo Post #17

I am just done for today. My nerves have been having me twisted up in knots. My therapy session sucked. And the kids were getting into everything this evening.

Can we stop the world so I can get off and take a break for a second? I think it's time for me to be doing some knitting or something.

NaBloPoMo Post #16

A few days ago another person introduced me to the concept of free form crochet. Looking at the images that come up when I did a search, I am intrigued by the idea. I like the prospect of having absolute control over the fabric and I like the prospect of using my yarn like I would paint on a canvas.

The little bit of three dimensional stuff that I've done, the things I really enjoyed were where I just started crocheting and adding as I went along. I suspect that I will take to this style of crochet like a duck to water. First, however, I have to finish the stuff for yule.

NaBloPoMo Post #15

So I am feeling like I am making a fool out of myself with this Policy Council stuff. I just finished the rough draft for the letter asking for more participation from parents. I sent it out to some other council members to get some feed back before I finish tweaking it. I feel like I wrote up a really pathetic letter.

At the same time, it has literally been years since I've had to do much in the way of official correspondence. I still don't feel comfortable about this.

In other news, I have a bad feeling that I'm going to be voted in as secretary for the upcoming year. My gut is telling me that the fact that I take notes and I actually typed them up after the last meeting is a sign that I'll be doing it more.

Of course, this could be a good thing for when I want to get involved in other activism type of things, I suppose. And I could put it on my resume. I just am quietly worrying that I have just made a fool out of myself.

I hate it when I get like this.

NaBloPoMo Post #14

Long day. Between mood swings and the kids acting up, I'm just worn out. I did some crochet but I'm just going to say its enough for now. At least I remembered to post today. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I can get two posts in and be only one behind where I am date wise.

NaBloPoMo Post #13

You know you go to a fast food restaurant a little too often when the staff comment on how nice your new hair cut looks. And one of the wittier people in the back calls out that they missed you when you weren't in on your usual day.

I think I need to find a new place to pick up food while I'm doing laundry on Sundays.

NaBloPoMo Post #12

Well, I am making progress on Yule gifts. I've got the body done for a little amigurumi rabbit. The head is started. I'm still not entirely sure how I am going to make the ears. This is going to require a little research. I also took a break to make a pocket black hole. :)

NaBloPoMo Post #11

A part of me says it's cheating to call the knitting pattern I posted earlier a contribution to my NaBloPoMo count, but I'm not letting that bit of perfectionism stop me any more then it stopped me in finishing the knitted mitts. I honestly didn't expect to get them done before Thanksgiving. I'm glad that I did.

Now I have the other small projects to do, which should work up pretty fast. Tonight, I am going to LARP out in Buffalo. I'll be bringing the lace scarf that I'm knitting for someone who may be currently reading this blog. I'll also be bringing the neon orange frog that I crochet last summer for another friend. I'm pretty sure she'll get a huge kick out of it.

I am considering bringing the small crochet bunny that I am working on. I finished the body. I'm just now starting the head. I'm a little stumped as to how to make the ears but I am sure I will find something somewhere that will give me a few pointers.

Rocker Chick's Fingerless Gloves

YARN:
Color A: 1 ball black RHSS
Color B: 1 ball candy print RHSS

NEEDLES:
size 10 us

Cast on 42 stitches in color A.
R1: Knit in color A
R2: Purl in color A
R3: *Knit 2 st in color A (English method), carry color B across back of fabric (WS). Knit 2 st in color B (Continental method), carry color A across back of fabric. * Repeat *10x. Knit 2 st in color A (English).
R4: *Purl 2 in color A (English method), carry color B across front (WS). Purl 2 in color B (Continental method), carry color A across front (WS).* Repeat * 10 x. Purl 2 st in color A (English)

R 3 & R 4 make pattern. Continue until 6 in long. Knit 1 row in color A. Purl 1 row in color A. Bind off knit wise.

Seam tog R & L edges of fabric, leave 1 in open at 2 in from cast off edge. Seam tog R & L edge of fabric 1 in from cast off edge to cast off edge.

NaBloPoMo Post #9

I'm slowly making progress on my knitting. The kids are in bed as Hubby is out with a friend. The sounds of gregorian chant isn't relaxing me like it usually does. I feel cold, alone, and generally upset. I'm pretty sure it's due to my mood going through swings. I started out the day ok but then with in the last few hours... well, this happened.

NaBloPoMo Post #8

Well, I've gotten most of the kitchen clean. The living room is a bit of a mess but that'll be easy to take care of. My goal of having each room of the apartment 15 minutes from clean is looking pretty realistic (except for my project room, but we won't talk about that LOL). As I find interesting new gadgets to help me be more efficient in cleaning, it gets easier to be less stressed by a given task. I am seriously considering buying a few of the FLYLady tools.

All of those positive reviews has my curiosity aroused. Something that would work better then what I've got now is always something I'm looking for. Currently, I have one of those dish scrubbers that keep a bit of soap in the handle. I suspect I may wear out the sponge before I use up the soap, however. It did a beautiful job on one of my pots that I had accidentally burned something in. It doesn't seem to be scratching up the every day dishes either. I think it may have been a smart buy.

NaBloPoMo Post #7

I may make two 'extra' posts over the next couple of days so that my post number corresponds with the date. I'm undecided on that. But, let's move on to what I briefly hinted at yesterday. I went out to the Policy Council meeting for my Cuddle Bear's preschool. I almost turned around and came back home three times on my way there (the third being right in the parking lot). I told myself that I needed to do this, if not for myself then for my kids.

I walked in and put on a sunny smile, but on the inside I was a nervous wreck. I wasn't so nervous that my body was hating me but I was on edge. The folks there were actually quite pleasant and generally laid back in attitude. It relieved me that all I really had to do by way of introducing myself was state who I was and how I was connected to Head Start. I was also glad that I didn't over prepare and bring in a copy of my resume. Beloved talked me out of it, thankfully. Things could have been quite awkward otherwise.

I got a chuckle out of the WTF reaction there was to the budget report. It disappointed me but didn't surprise me very much that the program was operating at a deficit. As fundraisers got briefly discussed it became quite clear that one of the biggest problems was getting parents to participate. I suspect this is going to be a theme through out the year. I volunteered to help write the letter requesting additional participation from parents. I think that was the second hardest thing I did yesterday.

Thinking about it, I am getting butterflies in my stomach and my hands are a little shakey. A part of me is screaming that this whole affair is a bad idea. I think I can push through it, however.

NaBloPoMo Post #6

Three sentences and then I'm off to bed. Holy crap, I actually did something uncomfortable and came out unscathed. More details tomorrow because I'm tired right now.

NaBloPoMo Post #5

I finished one of Rocker Chick's gauntlets. I am in the midst of casting on the second and finding that I'm actually feeling optimistic about this. I think the youtube videos helped me out a fair amount. I'm still not half as good at knitting and purling in the continental style but I can actually do it now. A few thousand more rows of doing this and I may even get *that* figured out. Thank goodness that the gauntlets are not *that* long. :D

NaBloPoMo Post #4

I haven't much to say this evening. I'm finding that working on Rocker Chick's Yule gift is getting maddening. I am coming to hate knitting in the Continental method. I especially dislike purling with that technique. It is very frustrating and I feel utterly clumsy doing it. I have set the project aside. I'll take it up tomorrow. Perhaps the blessing of daylight will help make this easier. A sour part of me doubts it. :P

NaBloPoMo Post #3

My prompt for today was:

Can you listen to music and write? What kind of music did you listen to today?

I regularly listen to music as I am writing. It helps me to focus on what I am working on. When I am writing fiction, the music helps me to come up with scenes and characters. When I am working on non-fiction, the music helps me to put aside enough of my anxiety that I can actually write sentences with out compulsively checking for errors immediately after I finish. This makes my work flow a lot more smoothly. Today, I am listening to Gregorian Chant.

NaBloPoMo Post #2

I'm sitting here at the end of the day unsure what to write in here. I have to do at least a paragraph or my conscience will gnaw at me. So, two sentences in and on the third, I still have no great brainstorm. Perhaps tomorrow will bring better inspiration.

NaBloPoMo Post #1

So, it's officially November and the beginning of NaBloPoMo. (And NaNoWriMo, but I'm not participating in that this year.) Their prompt question for the day is:

What do you enjoy about writing?

I'm not really sure if I should run with that question or the writing prompt from The Artist's Way which is:

List three old enemies of your creative self worth. Please be as specific as possible in doing this exercise. Your historic monsters are the building blocks of your core negative beliefs. [...] It is always necessary to acknowledge creative injuries and grieve them. Otherwise, they become creative scar tissue and block your growth.

I'm not really sure where to begin with either of these. I haven't done my morning pages yet and feel a bit foggy at the moment. But I don't want to forget to write in here. I may just journal the writing prompt from The Artist's Way and try to come up with at least a paragraph for the other prompt.

I suppose what I enjoy the most about writing is the cathartic qualities it holds for me. Like my artwork, writing helps get some of the fears and doubts out of me. It can help me to clarify just what is bothering me. Which then allows me to process and work through it. Writing helps me to figure out how I am going to live with something unpleasant or to plan for something happy in the future. It is probably one of the most versatile tools I have at hand for coping with the world at large.

my head sux

Short version, I've been struggling with Bi Polar II for a little over a year. (I was diagnosed this time last year. I've been dealing with it undiagnosed for a long time.) I've been sliding into a depressive episode and it disturbs me. I naively thought that the medication would make it where I would at worst get a little weepy or a bit cranky. Instead, those horrible self-demeaning thoughts are whirling around in my head, getting through the day is a struggle, and I'm extra sensitive to possible insults.

To be honest, I hate this and I'm more then a little bit afraid that what ever changes my psychiatrist makes to my medication later this week are just going to do nothing for my symptoms and leave me feeling like crap from the side effects. I'm nervous about the blood test he had done. I'm worried that the results will say that I'm utterly fucked up and hopeless. I don't know why, but I'm afraid that's what the results are going to show.

I'm tired of hiding my diagnosis. I'm learning to accept that there is no shame in it. If there is no shame in having diabetes then there's no shame in having bi polar. I don't like the fact that I've a laundry list of disorders that I am dealing with, but they're all interconnected. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder. I have a social phobia. And I have bi polar II with psychotic features (when I get extremely depressed, I start hearing voices). I'm afraid to go out and find other people like me. I'm terrified that they're going to reject me.

This, however, is something I need to just push through like I have to push through the feelings of shame at having to take medication. I am a good person and I deserve to be healthy. These are things that will help make me healthy.

Wall St. vs Main St. part 2

As I started to say the other day, I believe that people are confusing the symptoms with the problem. We live with a government that is corrupt. It may not be as corrupt as the governments in other nations are, but it is still corrupt. The signs of corruption are fairly simple and it makes me disappointed to have to point them out. That said, here is what I identify as the signs of corruption:

• A disconnect between legislation and the needs of the people
• Heavy handed enforcement of arbitrary laws
• Failure of the government to address grievances of the people
  
• Greater focus upon propaganda distribution then upon dissemination of factual information about government activities (including but not limited to resistance of honoring citizen request for said information)
• Tailoring of laws and statutes to the benefit of an elite few

Now, I recognize that a government will do what it can to perpetuate its existence and to gain greater power. This is just a natural consequence of human greed and the desire to create a secure and comfortable existence. Those who are in the positions of power will attempt to maintain those positions by any means that they can accomplish without upsetting the subordinates to the point where they will rise up against them.

I can fully empathize with the frustration of the Occupy Wall Street groups. There is something wrong with this country when people who were 10 years ago solidly in the middle class are now trying to get financial assistance to cover groceries. I could go on but I think that right there sums up the frustrations of the Occupy Wall Street group. The problem, however, is not the bankers or the corporations.

The problem is in the people who turn over authority for aspects of their lives to these people. When you surrender your financial health to the whims of the stock market, for example, you are going to find yourself unable to maintain it for an extended period of time at a status where you can competently meet your other needs. During the 1990s and the '00s, many people did this. During the same time period, people ceded their rights and personal liberties for the sake of perceived security. Was it a wholesale surrendering of rights? No, but enough was surrendered that I am not surprised by the actions of the NYC police force.

They believe that their activities are appropriate. Why? Because of the potential for rioting and other 'terrorist' like activities. What needs to happen is the people of the nation need to exert their will upon the government, we need to remind them that WE are the ones in charge. That they work for US.

Sadly, I fear this may require a measure of harsh activity. If people who are peaceably protesting continue to be met with a rough hand by the local law enforcement, they will eventually begin to push back. And that will not end pretty.

Infatuation vs. reality

I had a heart to heart with Stormcrow last night. Stark reality is perhaps the harshest of things to face at times. I am happy for him. I was concerned with him being so alone down there. I truly am glad that he has found some one. I dearly hope that she treats him well because he deserves not only to be happy but to be treated like he is worth his weight in gold. Stormcrow is a truly amazing person.

I'm just having a little difficulty putting aside the infatuation that tangled me up over the last few weeks.

Songs and memory.

I have fallen in love with a song. I confess a mild infatuation with Ingrid Michaelson. Her song The Chain is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I have heard in a while. It is filled with such clarity of sound and lyric beauty only on the basis of the orchestration. Add to it the wonderful contralto voice of Ms. Michaelson and it is simply enrapturing.

Another song that I have been just enthralled with is filled with an almost fierce sense of vitality. Omina is a group that I stumbled onto and keep finding myself listening to with a mixture of awe and joy. Their song Alive! is another vivid piece of music that just leaves me breathless. It makes me want to get up and dance wildly. It has been a musical bit of medicine for my soul in the face of the crushing depression that rolls over me in waves.

In the midst of all this, I find myself thinking of when I heard Stormcrow sing for the first time. I hadn't expected a tenor voice. I don't know what I was expecting but the sweet, clear ringing quality that was in his voice just held me captivated. I find myself thinking of that moment with a measure of longing. There was no self consciousness or braggadocio. He was just simply singing the song as naturally as breathing. It was striking.

It makes me want to listen to him sing again.

Yule Project List

This is a list to remind myself what I am currently working on. I may even note progress in here with addendums. That said, here is The List:

• Sweater for Cuddle Bear X
  
• Bigger Blankie for Snuggle Bug X (given early)
  
• Bigger Blanket for Beloved (replaced w/ another item, store bought)
  
• Crochet Klein Bottle Hat for Beloved's brother
• Audrey II for Energizer Girl
• Crochet fingerless gloves for Rocker Chick (X), Trouble 1 & 2, the Mischief Duo, and Mercy Girl
  
• Loom Knit hats for Monster Girl, Cuddle Bear's best friend T and T's little brother
• Beaded stitch markers for OnComingStorm
• Crochet hook case & sweater pattern for StormWatcher
• Crochet hook case for JBirdie
• Sock weight yarn for J X
• Amigurumi rabbit for Trouble 1 X
  
• Amigurumi dog for Trouble 2
• Amigurumi monster for Snuggle Bug
  

Of all this, I've the yarn finished, the sweater half done, and the increase in Snuggle Bug's blankie started.

I think I'm going to be busy.

Wall St. vs Main St. part 1

Just about everybody is giving their opinions on the Occupy Wall Street protest, it's daughter protests, and the counter protests. Some of the opinions are entertaining, some are thought provoking, and others are, to be honest, moronic. There are people screaming about class warfare. There is misbehavior by the NYC police and gallantry by members of the armed forces. It is a messy, leaderless group of people who have reached the crucial point of frustration and anger where they have moved beyond simply venting to taking action.

I say messy because there is no one strand unifying and thereby clarifying just what they're looking for. Oh, yes, there are some 'demands' floating around on the interwebz. There was the seed concept, which was to call upon the leaders in the political arena to separate themselves from the financial industry and similar corporate influencers of lawmakers. It has, however, grown beyond that seed concept into a free form movement.

Something that I have to say is that people are confusing the symptoms with the problem. Corruption in the government has a specific set of symptoms, in my opinion.

[I'll add more after my husband gets home from work, because the kids are up to mischief.]

NaNoWriMo?

I'm trying to decide if I have the mental cohesion to attempt NaNoWriMo this year. It is something that I'd like to participate in again but I don't know if I should. Part of the challenge before me is finding the time to write. Part of the challenge is what to write. And the third part of the challenge is determining if I have enough time to do so in the face of working on Yule gifts. November is not only a big month for me writing wise with NaNoWriMo, it is a big month for me to finish up gifts for people.

I don't want to push myself too hard. I'm realizing that with my psychological challenges, I could be setting myself up for some real problems. Over exerting myself tends to set off my depressive episodes. I don't want to deal with that on top of everything else. We literally just got out from under some rather challenging constraints. I don't want to tempt fate and engender more. That is the absolute last thing I want to do right now.

I may do NaBloPoMo instead of NaNoWriMo this year. If I work on one of my fiction blogs, I can still say I'm doing something that could be worked towards a novel. It's something of a debate right now. Fortunately, I've got most of October to make my decision.

Struggling with depression.

For the last several weeks, I've been having a rough time of it. I am having problems again with depression. The doctor has adjusted my medication and some of the more severe symptoms seem to have lifted. This, however, has been the primary reason why I haven't posted anything in here for a little while now. I shall, however, try to post something at least once a week. Even if it is a quick update as to what I've been doing with the kids.

Mexican Style Pasta Bake Recipe

Posting this here for future reference & to share with friends. It actually came out pretty good.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

1 lb box of noodles (I used shells because that's what I had on hand. DO NOT PRE-COOK!)
1 qt jar of marinara pasta sauce (Rinse jar out with a 1/4 water, approx. and pour remnants in.)
1 qt jar of salsa (See above.)
1/2 lb shredded cheddar cheese
sour cream (to taste)

In an 11 x 7 x 2 in pan, pour pasta sauce and salsa. Mix together. Add box of noodles, stir together until noodles are coated. Top with shredded cheese. Bake at 350 deg F. for 1 hour. When serving, add a dollop of sour cream.

Prospero's Speech

Now my charms are all o'erthrown,
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,
Or sent to Naples. Let me not,
Since I have my dukedom got
And pardon'd the deceiver, dwell
In this bare island by your spell;
But release me from my bands
With the help of your good hands:
Gentle breath of yours my sails
Must fill, or else my project fails,
Which was to please. Now I want
Spirits to enforce, art to enchant,
And my ending is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer,
Which pierces so that it assaults
Mercy itself and frees all faults.
As you from crimes would pardon'd be,
Let your indulgence set me free

Listening to Loreena McKennitt's version and was enjoying it immensely tonight. Don't know why, but I've always loved Prospero's Speech. The Tempest wasn't one of my favorite Shakespearean plays but this was one of my favorite monologues of all time. It's a tie with Hamlet's soliloquy.

Knooking?

I now am the proud owner of three knooking tools. I read about this technique of knitting with a crochet hook last week. I got so interested in it that when I saw the hooks for sale for a whopping $4.95 at wally world, I grabbed 'em. I resisted the urge to buy more yarn and forced myself to finish running my errand. When I got home, I was positively giddy to try out this technique that I had been reading about and watching video tutorials for the last several days.

I've been playing around idly with this wooden hook for the last few hours. It's like a cross between Tunisian crochet and regular crochet (when it come to technique). I'm still trying to perfect the tension with this, but I'm getting the basic knit stitch down. I did a few rows and discovered that I was somehow mixing knit and purl stitches. Thus, I ripped out and have been focusing only on knit right now. I figure once I get the knit stitches down that I'll take on how to intentionally do the purl stitches next.

My hunch was that I was going to really enjoy this. I have to confess, I may just put away the knitting looms and needles in favor of this thing. I've still got to finish that sock and the other projects, however. This, however, I think is going to turn into my favorite way to be making washcloths instead of regular crochet. Aside from that, I love using these wooden hooks. They feel WONDERFUL in my hands.

I honestly didn't expect that.

handcraft research

Just slapping a few links up for me to return to later.

how to make your own crochet hook

how to make plarn

I'm in the midst of planning yule gifts. One of my nieces has already requested that I make her Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors. To say the least, I'm going to be busy.

Ideas

going to this site for a few ideas for yule. will add more later.

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I'm pretty sure that Stargazer would have laughed when I told her I was planning on making some Yule gifts based in higher mathematical concepts. I've been interested in the Klein bottle hats. I saw a knit one and thought that it would be perfect to make for my brother in law. Then I realized that my knitting skills are not quite up to that level yet. At which point I found a crochet one.

And then I saw this hat and decided that I am going to have to make it for my son at some point in time. It's not really as math oriented as the other hats, but it was still a good find.

At some point, I want to make a Möbius scarf but I am having a hard time picking what pattern I want to use. I know that I'm not going to have the time to make up the DNA model this year. That, however, is alright because I am thinking that I'm going to make a scarf based on the Fibonacci sequence. I've made a few washcloths and an art piece (crochet for all of those), so I'm pretty sure the scarf will be a fairly straight forward thing.

changes...

Feh! I just screwed around a little with the layout on here. Partly because I was bored and not desiring to go to bed just yet and partly because I was annoyed with it.

I'm now consigning it to the fates and wandering off to bed. If I'm lucky, I'll sleep well tonight despite my back.

I hate monday.

I forgot that fact. Then today happened and I was reminded. The boys were just all out monsters for me. Jumping on the furniture was the least of my headaches. I found myself understanding why some animals eat their young.

I really hope that the weather allows the boys to get outside some tomorrow. If anything, I'll have them run laps around the house a few times or something to burn of some of this wild energy. Good Gods grant me strength and sanity. I love my children, I really do. But I spent a good portion of my day asking myself "What the hell was I thinking?"

You know what this means, of course, tomorrow they'll both be sweet as pie and well behaved.


...


Or did I just jinx myself? >.<

My Pride and Joy!

To the left is a picture of my youngest son. He's the little guy affectionately known as Snuggle Bug. It has become something of an ironic nickname for him. He was a very cuddly baby at times. Snuggle time, however, happened only on his terms.

Now age two, he is my little holy terror. My FiL and I have jokingly called him a shark. As my FiL has said, he has two modes: go and stop. Snuggle Bug is a very active little guy and loves to do things full bore.

Currently, he is quite thrilled to be doing things like jumping on the couch or climbing everything we own. Snuggle Bug absolutely loves going to the park and playing on the swing. He has recently decided that he is going to start giving the slides a try. As such, he has been trying to climb up them like he sees the older children do. It has made for much silliness.

To the right is my eldest child, known as Cuddle Bug. True to his nickname, he is a little lover. This (like the picture above) is a picture that is several months old. His hair is not as long now and that outfit no longer fits. That, however, is the way things go with toddlers.

Cuddle Bear loves his little brother and does a lot to try to help me out with him. He is, also, a rather independent child who doesn't exactly enjoy having a little shadow. I remember trying to get away from my younger brothers much like he tries to get away from Snuggle Bug. It's not that easy.

Cuddle Bear adores the color purple and fire trucks. He is a quiet child with the beginnings of a deep love affair with books. I'm fairly certain that he will be the one I find hiding with a flashlight under the covers with a book.

Birthday shenanigans & thoughts.

Yesterday, we held a combined birthday party for Cuddle Bear and Snuggle Bug. The boys had a ball playing with balloons as we were waiting for the guests to arrive. Beloved had been nervous and worried that we hadn't enough food for everyone. I, however, was fairly confident that things were going to go fine (after a brief spate of social anxiety driven panic). The weather was beautiful and the park was just lovely.

As the guests arrived, it quickly became apparent that not everyone we had invited were able to make it. I was a little disappointed but I recognize that life will throw curve balls at us and it can be hard to do everything you want in a weekend. (This was a big change from the last time I tried to throw a party and quite a few of the guests were unable to come. Then I got rather upset and felt rejected. It wasn't fun at all.) Even with the smaller number of guests, we still had plenty of folks to eat up the goodies we had there. The rainbow colored goldfish crackers that my MiL brought were especially well liked by the kids.

When the time came for presents, it became obvious that I had hit one out of the park. The firetruck that I found at the thrift store as a last minute purchase was the favorite toy of both boys. Thank goodness that Beloved's brother brought a monster truck for Snuggle Bug. He headed off the screaming fit right at the pass. For a good while, the boys alternated between which truck they were playing with. All of the adults made a point of complementing them on their sharing of the toys.

Amusingly enough, the firetruck was such a big hit that the boys were at first indifferent to the big presents from Beloved's parents. Snuggle Bug, after a while, did finally start playing with his wagon. He seemed to really enjoy picking up gravel and dropping it into it. Then, with some coaxing, Cuddle Bear started to play with his tricycle. He wasn't as excited about it as we thought he would be. Then I remembered, Cuddle Bear gets to use one fairly regularly at preschool.

We had cake but no candles on it. Beloved and I thought it would just be a lot easier that way. We now have half of a sheet cake sitting in the kitchen. Cuddle Bear wanted to bring it down to his best friend, Ladybug* but the weather isn't exactly agreeable to walking down there. I am sure that Ladybug and Wort** will be equally delighted with sharing some cake tomorrow after school.

I was a fool and forgot my camera at home. Thus, there are no pictures of the party this year. I hope to get a good one of the boys playing with their newest toys later. Perhaps I'll get lucky and get a good picture of Cuddle Bear on his new tricycle tomorrow. I think the weather is supposed to be sunny and warm tomorrow. Today, it is raining. I'm not going to complain, however, because the drought still hasn't broken.

The rain we have gotten recently and my diligent watering has resulted in my tomato plant having more then just two tomatoes on it. I'm quite excited. The pepper plant seems to have finished flowering. If I'm lucky, it will have peppers on it soon as well. I am planning on bringing some of my fresh vegetables down to Ladybug and Wort's mother in the coming week. She's been ill and I think some homegrown produce would cheer her up. I may even bring some herbs down.

My marigolds seem to have recovered some from getting so terribly dried out recently. I've started to get blossoms on them. It is my hope to collect some and dry them for making an herbal tea later. The first few blossoms that I had harvested are currently being rained on because I forgot to bring them in. I hope that they'll dry out well for me in the sunny weather to come. I have been reading about how one can use marigold blossoms to dye fiber with a little bit of vinegar.

Some interesting articles about solar dying have had me seriously considering dying some of my fiber from my MiL with this technique. I may even go so far as to save some onion skins and some red cabbage to try dying with that as well. I have a few mason jars free and a gallon of vinegar. If it really is as simple as steeping it like sun tea, then I believe I am going to give it a shot. I like the idea of dying my own fiber with stuff that I have immediately at hand. I may have to do a little bit more reading before I give it a shot. Either way, I hope to get some pictures of this up once I get underway.

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* Ladybug is Cuddle Bear's best friend from preschool. She's about a year older then him but they get along like two peas in a pod. Beloved and I got a chuckle out of the fact that they're best friends. That was how he and I started out. If we're at their wedding 20 something years later, Beloved will be informing them that I had predicted it (in jest).

** Wort (from the old middle English word for plant and the nickname for Arthur in Disney's The Sword in the Stone) is Ladybug's little brother. He's five days younger then Cuddle Bug. He and Cuddle Bug play together regularly. Both boys seem to be becoming fast friends as well. It is something that their mother and I would like to encourage.

It's called Separation of Church and State, moron!

I don't generally pay much attention to the Christian Science Monitor. There was something about their article about Texas Governor Rick Perry that caught my eye. So, I sat down and read the article. I was fully prepared for someone to be softening his very 'conservative' views in an attempt to make him more palatable to others. I was prepared for a bias in his favor because he is a highly visible and politically well connected individual who supports the aggressively evangelical face of the Christian faith in the United States. Thus prepared, I read the article and my jaw hit the floor.

I then did a little digging to see if they were actually sugar coating just how far to the 'Right' he was. Then I read what Forbes had to say about him and this prayer rally that went on today. I read the official 'about Rick Perry' page, the Wikipedia entry, and several other pages (including his Facebook page). As I learned more about the man, the more disturbing the idea of his having influence over a state, let alone on a national level, became.

Sure, he has done some impressive things. He's got a squeaky clean image and the camera seems to love him. His positions on economic matters are interesting. This, however, doesn't make up for the fact that he endorses the concepts espoused by the American Family Association of Tupelo and similar organizations:

• The protections of the First Amendment apply solely to Christians.
• Homosexuality is a moral threat to the nation.
• Abortion should be illegal.

I could go on, but these are the three big turnoff's for me. The protections of the First Amendment are inviolate and extend to all citizens of the United States regardless of their religious affiliation. Any movements to some how curtail this should be regarded with great resistance. It is the First Amendment that makes our nation great. I'm not saying we're perfect, but the fact that you can, among other things, speak your mind freely and practice your religion freely is a strength.

I highly object to the argument that homosexuality is a moral threat to the nation. Homosexuality has been around for a very, very long time. The idea that it is suddenly this new threat is preposterous. Among the minds that lead to the development of this nation, were most undoubtedly homosexuals. Their sexual orientation didn't undermine the establishment of this nation. It's pretty safe to assume that there's a percentage of the population who fought to establish and maintain this nation through out history were homosexuals.

I think it's safe to say that homosexuality is a non-issue on the matter of the welfare of the nation. Logic aside, the argument of moral threats to the nation should be suspended. Why? Because moral issues are religious issues. Please, refer back to the First Amendment on this issue if you need to have that position of mine clarified. It's pretty simple.

Abortion is not the problem. It has been made out to be the problem when the majority of abortions are performed for medical reasons. As a matter of course, the idea of abortion for the sake of birth control is not going to be the preferred method, unlike what many of the anti-abortion folks insist. Making the medical procedure illegal returns us to where women are at an increased risk of dying during pregnancy. Depending on how the law is phrased, a naturally occurring miscarriage can be illegal.

As a woman who has six miscarriages, I take great offense at this prospect. The idea that a woman who has already been traumatized by the loss of her child could then be facing murder charges sets my blood boiling. Unfortunately, the anti-abortion groups that have the strongest lobbing presence support laws that would criminalize women like myself. The medical community doesn't fully understand why miscarriages happen. To take something nebulous like that and criminalize it sets the precedent for greater injustices for the sake of the 'social conscience.'

I am dearly hoping that Rick Perry is just a flash in the pan. If, by some weird happenstance, he does prove to be the Republican candidate, I'll be one of the folks doing their best to get people NOT to vote for him. People like that, who regard the Constitution as applying only to them, are dangerous. It's only a small ideological jump to fascism.

Blessed First Harvest!

I'm still in pain from my fall back in early June. The muscle relaxant that the doctor prescribed for me isn't doing much to help. It makes things like weeding the garden difficult. After a long day, I must admit, it is something that tends to slip by the wayside. Still, I do what I can and keep my hopes up for rain. We're currently in the middle of a rather wicked drought, you see.

I didn't let that stop me from harvesting a little bit of my home grown produce. My pepper plant has put out only one pepper thus far. It was quite small but exceptionally flavorful. I used half of it in my macaroni salad that we had for dinner tonight. I also harvested a bit of basil and some of the nasturtium leaves. I chopped those up fairly fine and tossed them into the salad too. It was just as pleasurable to eat as it was to make.

I'll slap up the recipe at the end of this post. I tried to make it through the day with out any soda. I failed horribly. I'm realizing, however, that I get the desire to have some when I get stressed out. It has become (or has been and I didn't realize it) a coping mechanism. To say the least, I need to replace that with something that is kinder to my waistline. I am going to attempt an experiment of sorts with my force of will.

When I desire a cold glass of soda, I am going to replace it with a glass of water. I figure since I have a fair amount of lemon balm (which is doing beautifully despite the drought), I can start adding a few bruised leaves to my water. Aside from that, I'm going to resume adhering to the little amusing expression: keep calm and have a cup of tea. It is my hope that my will shall hold out and I can break this soda habit.

As my daily walking has been curtailed significantly by my injury, I need to cut calories where I can with out doing too much harm to myself. I don't want to get back down to being about 110 lbs. That was a dangerously unhealthy weight for me to be at and I have decided that I never want to be that skinny again. When I was walking about four miles a day and living on a fairly lean diet, I got to be about 150 lbs. I don't think I had ever felt healthier then I did at that weight.

It is a rather enormous thing that I have done just by way of walking and portion control. This time last year, my weight was up to 280 lbs. It was due to a combination of stress eating, medication side effects, and a somewhat sedentary lifestyle. Depression really takes a huge bite out of your energy and stamina for pretty much any form of exercise. Since then, I have dropped down to 195. I have been exercising fairly regularly.

I was attempting to get 8 miles of walking in each week. I had been making pretty good progress on that up until I fell out in the garden. Now I get roughly four miles in each week by walking down to get Cuddle Bear from the bus stop. I want to get more walking in, but right now it's painful. At times, my leg will even go numb. My Father-in-Law suggested that perhaps I had pinched a nerve when I fell. Given that the Tylenol isn't doing much for the pain and the muscle relaxant isn't helping either, I suspect he is right. Thankfully, the doctor is confident that I didn't break anything when I fell. Thank goodness for small mercies, right?

Well, I'm running out of stuff to ramble about right now. I'll slap that recipe up.
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Macaroni Salad (quick version)
Ingredients

• 2 1/2 cups cooked macaroni (or other small pasta)
• 1/2 small bell pepper (diced)
• 1/4 bag of frozen mixed vegetables
• 1 cup whipped salad dressing (or mayo)
• 3 nasturtium leaves (shredded fine)
• 4 sweet Italian basil leaves (shredded fine)

Step 1: Cook pasta.
Step 2: Place colander in sink with frozen vegetables in it.
Step 3: Pour pasta and water into colander, rinse with cool/tepid water.
Step 4: Toss pasta and vegetable mixture to make sure vegetables are thawed.
Step 5: Transfer pasta and vegetable mixture to a large bowl.
Step 6: Add bell pepper, nasturtium leaves, and basil.
Step 7: Add salad dressing and mix together well. Make sure all of the salad is evenly coated.
Step 8: Chill for 15 min in the refrigerator.
Step 9: Serve!

evening shadows

My good friend ArtCat did an excellent job of describing PTSD. He said:

PTSD is like a hydra. If you do things piecemeal, you may resolve one symptom but two more will pop up in its place (or it will return twice as bad as before). You need to strike at the root and work through the fundamental issue in and of itself. Everything else should be taken in context of that.

I... I have a hard time with my cPTSD when I reach the end of the day. Beloved pointed it out to me the other day and it's been rattling around in my brain. At the end of the day, I run out of things to distract me from my disorder. I find my emotional reserves are fairly close to tapped out and I dread going to sleep. Even with my medications, nightmares will come fairly regularly. They just don't have the same kind of effect on me that they did before.

I suffer from emotional flashbacks on a daily basis. I haven't the slightest idea what is triggering them. This upsets me greatly. I just want to get to the root of this latest go on the hellish merry-go-round. I want to face this stuff down and move on as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, it's simply not that easy.

I sit here, trying to figure out what more to write. I don't know why I'm posting this here, even. I guess it's just to get it out and off my chest. I want to cry. At the same time, another part of me decries it as a sign of weakness, which must never be allowed. I feel confused, hurt, and alone. I don't know why. It's terrible to feel this way because I don't know what set it off.

Science is getting interesting.

A few days ago, I read this really interesting story about how scientists grew and then successfully implanted an organ into a person using their own tissues. I thought that was really exciting news. I knew that nanotechnology was getting applied in various interesting ways throughout various industries. What I didn't know was how far advanced it had gotten in the medicine sector until I read that article.

I have a friend who had to have a double lung transplant almost two years ago. I immediately pointed this article out to him. We both agreed that it was pretty amazing. The idea that medicine has advanced far enough that we could theoretically grow a new, healthy version of an organ that was diseased and failing was something that just struck us as wonderful.

Granted, we're both of a mind to watch these developments carefully. Organ transplants are notoriously tricky and the risk of rejection is always high. The proof of success in this case is going to be a bit down the road.

But then I stumbled on to this article and I was just left in shock. It was only a few years ago that the idea of regrowing a fingertip was science fiction. To see evidence that it has been done just left me in awe. What is going to be next?

Obligitory Casey Anthony post.

As a person who reads the news and occasionally blogs about it, I suppose I must put in my two pennies worth on the subject of the Casey Anthony fiasco. Fiasco really is an understatement. I think train wreck may be a better way of describing it. It was a disaster from the beginning.

One may ask, why I think it was a disaster from day one. My answer is really simple, the media sensationalized the living hell out of it. Imagine if this case unfolded and the mother wasn't involved beyond misreporting a missing child. There wouldn't be half as many people screaming for blood as there are today. Let's take this little thought experiment a bit farther. Let's imagine if the person involved was an acquaintance of the family. The number of people screaming for that person's blood would drop off exponentially.

In my opinion, the first thing that judge should have done was bar the media from the courtroom. I think it should be a standard practice in any and all high profile cases. This should be as routine as sequestering jurors. Did the district attorney botch their case? Probably. Is Casey Anthony guilty? I don't know.

There's a chance that she is guilty as hell. That doesn't matter in the eyes of the law, however, because a jury of her peers found her innocent. Yes, a terrible thing happened to a little girl. The injustice of it smarts because we can't pin the crime on any one person's head and exact some form of vengeance, because let's face it that's what people are looking for with the death penalty.

That doesn't mean that we automatically criminalize parents who don't know immediately if their child's missing. Older children are harder to keep track of then younger children because they're much more independent. Guess what, that means that little Suzie may be spending the night at her friend's place and if she and her friend get lost while they're out doing stuff, Suzie's parents aren't going to know until at least 24 hours later.

I'm not a big fan of that sensationalist rag the Huffington Post. At times, however, they have good articles. This article does a better job then I can illustrating why we shouldn't jump to knee jerk conclusions and start changing/writing laws in the heat of populist passion. Cases like that of Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson are rare. Writing laws that affect everyone because of things that happen in these outlier cases is bad policy.

The Roman philosopher and statesman Marcus Tullius Cicero said it best:

The more laws, the less justice.