Wednesday, October 26, 2011

my head sux

Short version, I've been struggling with Bi Polar II for a little over a year. (I was diagnosed this time last year. I've been dealing with it undiagnosed for a long time.) I've been sliding into a depressive episode and it disturbs me. I naively thought that the medication would make it where I would at worst get a little weepy or a bit cranky. Instead, those horrible self-demeaning thoughts are whirling around in my head, getting through the day is a struggle, and I'm extra sensitive to possible insults.

To be honest, I hate this and I'm more then a little bit afraid that what ever changes my psychiatrist makes to my medication later this week are just going to do nothing for my symptoms and leave me feeling like crap from the side effects. I'm nervous about the blood test he had done. I'm worried that the results will say that I'm utterly fucked up and hopeless. I don't know why, but I'm afraid that's what the results are going to show.

I'm tired of hiding my diagnosis. I'm learning to accept that there is no shame in it. If there is no shame in having diabetes then there's no shame in having bi polar. I don't like the fact that I've a laundry list of disorders that I am dealing with, but they're all interconnected. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder. I have a social phobia. And I have bi polar II with psychotic features (when I get extremely depressed, I start hearing voices). I'm afraid to go out and find other people like me. I'm terrified that they're going to reject me.

This, however, is something I need to just push through like I have to push through the feelings of shame at having to take medication. I am a good person and I deserve to be healthy. These are things that will help make me healthy.

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