Friday, July 29, 2011

evening shadows

My good friend ArtCat did an excellent job of describing PTSD. He said:
PTSD is like a hydra. If you do things piecemeal, you may resolve one symptom but two more will pop up in its place (or it will return twice as bad as before). You need to strike at the root and work through the fundamental issue in and of itself. Everything else should be taken in context of that.
I... I have a hard time with my cPTSD when I reach the end of the day. Beloved pointed it out to me the other day and it's been rattling around in my brain. At the end of the day, I run out of things to distract me from my disorder. I find my emotional reserves are fairly close to tapped out and I dread going to sleep. Even with my medications, nightmares will come fairly regularly. They just don't have the same kind of effect on me that they did before.

I suffer from emotional flashbacks on a daily basis. I haven't the slightest idea what is triggering them. This upsets me greatly. I just want to get to the root of this latest go on the hellish merry-go-round. I want to face this stuff down and move on as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, it's simply not that easy.

I sit here, trying to figure out what more to write. I don't know why I'm posting this here, even. I guess it's just to get it out and off my chest. I want to cry. At the same time, another part of me decries it as a sign of weakness, which must never be allowed. I feel confused, hurt, and alone. I don't know why. It's terrible to feel this way because I don't know what set it off.

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