winter

winter

Sunday, January 17, 2010

I'm such a fool...

I let my insecurities and fears get in the way so very much. I get tongue-tied and nervous, so I avoid talking to people that I really do want to. Stormcrow and I talked about this at one point. He's of the opinion I should just let these things go. I think he's right but I'm not sure what to do to replace the habit of fear. He was at a loss for suggestions. The method by which he dealt with this kind of thing really isn't an option for me.

I guess I could jump right in. I'm pretty sure that's what Stormcrow would suggest and I'm fairly sure that's what most of my other friends would also advise. How is it that I think up characters that are bold, if not fearless, and I stumble over fear almost daily? These characters are based on me and parts of my psyche. Why is that courage and joi de verve that are in so many of these character that I create so hard for me to tap into?

And why does rejection terrify me so much? I suppose nothing ventured, nothing gained. I can't use the excuse of liquid courage pushing me forward or powerful pain meds stripping away my inhibitions. Somedays, I think it's a good thing that I refuse to drink on a regular basis. I could see myself as a functional alcoholic with periods of being a very... very sadistic and mean drunk. I can't depend on something mechanically removing those blocks, I need to do it myself. And I sit here stalling and half tempted to go read that dopey train story for the billionth time rather then write the e-mail. *sighs*

That means it's time to write the e-mail. It's ironic, I'm polyamorous but terrified to express it. Much like I'm still damn afraid of my bisexuality. Someday, eventually, I'll get past these fears. First, however, I should stop stalling and write that e-mail.

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