Friday, March 14, 2008

Thoughts on an evening.

This will seem a non sequitor, but since when has a person's thoughts been required to make sense?


It was shock and delight that you saw on my face. Sometimes, I can't help it. I get so caught up in the sensations and I can't really do anything. That was one of those times. It's like... it's like feeling pleasure so intense that you can't quite breathe properly, never mind see straight, and you're not sure if you'll continue to stand up if you move.

I think that may have disturbed you or upset you. I'm sorry if it had, I really was perfectly fine. I was just rather overwhelmed by such a sudden rush of sensation.


You know, sometimes, sometimes I can't stop thinking about things like that. It's not like I fixate on it and ... well, maybe I do fixate on it, I don't know. I've always felt a little embaressed about the fact that I can get so utterly captivated by what I'm feeling and that ... well, it's like I'm drownding in emotion, sensation, and something more... ephemeral that's only present when such games are played. And I don't mind it, which sounds a bit odd given my past. Actually, probably alot more then odd, maybe a bit closer to sounding down right disturbing to most people.

But it's a rush that very little in life has ever compared to. On one hand, I am afraid to let myself be fully caught up in it. So, when I'm surprised, it's even more intense and I react like I did the other day. I'm afraid that I'll get so collapsed into that experience that I won't come out of it, I won't be able to function normally. Being responsible and adult even as you're utterly distracted, among other things, is somewhat ... well, I guess it's mutually exclusive. I fear this part of my psyche because it's such a potent force within me and it's always there.

At the same time, however, I want... no, I need to experience that heart stopping ecstacy almost as much as I need to breathe. It's a ... it's something that I crave. It's not like some silly thing where you really enjoy chocolate, for example, and justify your indulgence by saying that you craved it. It's closer to the maddening hunger for vegetables and chicken that I had when I was pregnant with my boy. God, I wish it was as simple as just that I was indulging a sweet tooth. Then, I think, I wouldn't find myself having times where I am trying to put so many aspects of my life into that context.

I can go thru a day and find so many ways to put things into the context of games of power play. Never mind the more physical elements of it. Mind you, when I do find the fleeting mental images come to mind of different scenes, it's with sufficent intensity where I can almost feel it. I have a very... vivid imagination and I've worked years on attuning my skills at visualization for other practices. Unfortunately, when my imagination decides to run away on me, it likes to hijack those skills for it's own purposes.


I don't really know what to say now. There's so many things that I want to say and yet so many things that I'm terrified to say. And I don't even know if it's a conversation that I should have. It's rather confusing to be in a relationship like the one my husband and I have. It's even more confusing when I can't even figure out how to make sense of the things going thru my mind, even as my husband tells me that it's fine for me to consider those things and he'd only want to have a bit of a plan before any action was taken.

I probably should stop now. It's... it's something that has one part of my brain saying that this is all foolish nonsense, another part saying that it's dangerously stupid, and ... so much more.

I will say this, though, in that moment, I would have done almost anything for more. And I haven't been able to get that out of my head.

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