Well, I've been trying to stick to a healthy diet. I generally do eat fairly healthy, though I think my portions are a bit too large. That said, I've been doing what I can to gradually move away from junk food and bad habits (like skipping meals). I figure if I can get my portions under control, use only healthy foods in my diet, and break my bad habits, I can accomplish two goals.
My first goal in all of this is to become healthier. I remember just how difficult it was when my lungs were causing me a lot of problems a few years ago. I recognize that some of the problem was due to weight and lack of proper exercise. I don't want to be in that position again, it was rather scary. No, scary is an understatement. It was terrifying to be left wondering if I was going to wind up in the hospital on a nebulizer or having some other treatment for my breathing possibly for the rest of my life. Looking at that prospect before you're even 25, well, it's pretty damn terrifying. That was a really rough year.
My second goal is to put forward a good role model for my son and the other children around me. The children of both my brothers, they've got their own bit of weight problems. My sister-in-law is struggling to show her girls how to eat healthy, but she's got some family members that are sabotaging her efforts. Slipping the girls junk food and such after their mom said no or letting them have what ever foods they want (or protesting when their mother doesn't do that) are just two of the stupid things that they do. I see how hard my sister-in-law struggles and I recognize that she's done a lot of great work herself. I admire that and I want to accomplish this for myself.
There are two good reasons to be doing this. I think they're reasons to be proud of. It's not like I want to fit into that bikini that I've got in the closet this summer. Though I admit, that would be kind of nice. I've only worn it for one season, then I got pregnant. I'd like to have the opportunity to use it again.
My problem, however, is my strategy is just not working. At first, I decided that I would just eat when I felt hungry. Then I found myself swinging back and forth between not eating properly and eating when I was bored or upset. So, I decided that I would cut out emotional eating. That's been something of a chore, but I have been making some progress in that area. It's left me, however, unsure what to do with these most uncomfortable feelings. I'll figure something out.
Getting rid of the emotional eating, however, didn't resolve the other problem. So, I thought that I could use small special things to help me stick to things like the eating schedule that I've been trying to keep. It turned into my witholding those special things from myself as punishment for failing to stick to it or doing well with portion control.
So, what on earth am I going to do now? I'm struggling with ideas. I can't afford to go do the weight watchers thing or some other program. I just don't have the money. Heck, I don't even have the money for the anti-anxiety medication/ anti-depressant that I'm taking right now. But, I'm doing that because I have to.
I wish I could think of something, but I'm just stumped and feeling miserable. I look in the mirror and I see myself so close and yet so far away from my goal. I've made a lot of progress but now... I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. It's a terrible thing.