Victim blaming is bullshit.

What do these four memes have in common? 1. They're pseudo spirituality/philosophy. 2. They're surprisingly popular. 3. They blame victims and imply that the victim is in collusion with that which is victimizing them. To say this makes me angry is like saying that Vesuvius only popped a little smoke when it buried Pompeii. To say that this makes me disgusted is like saying that the Atlantic is a bit damp. Now, some may look at these memes and say, "I don't see the blaming? It's something uplifting and stuff."

You can take things and make them look acceptable and pleasant. These memes are beautifully composed with an elegant type font, most of the time. Some come with stunning pictures (no.4) and some come with charming ones (no.1). Appearance does not add legitimacy. They are as false as the memes putting Adolph Hitler's quotes with Taylor Swift's pictures.*  We're going to break these memes down one by one. Brace for a wall of text coming soon.

Meme No. 1: Image - a 'stained glass' heart done in shades of red and pinks on a grey background with a ruby colored border. Text - You do not attract what you want. You attract what you are.

Problem number one with this meme is it places the onus of responsibility for all events happening on the reader. In the case of happy or pleasant events, the reader believes themselves to be good and a happy person. In the case of hostile and distressing, if not traumatic events, the reader believes themselves to be a person who is hostile and distressing (if not abusive). Additionally, the meme encourages what psychologists call magical thinking** and leads the person to believe they are responsible for the events that happen to them. It sets them up for the scenario of insanely high self expectations because they believe that they must change who they are to prevent the hostile and distressing experiences from happening.

Problem number two with this meme is that it is generally taken to be affirmative of the 'good' interpretations. There is no consideration for the alternate views, which are equally valid because they're built upon the same premise.  It encourages outsiders to tell the person in the situation that they are solely responsible for what has happened, thereby reinforcing the dangerous message of this meme and encouraging the outsiders to take a position of false security. Consider the following scenario: person A is in an impoverished state. Person B perpetuates meme no.1. Person B then moves on to other circumstances falsely believing that this 'gem of wisdom' they have provided person A with a solution to their problem and believes themselves to be absolved of the responsibility they have to person A as per the social contract that implicitly tells them that they must provide assistance when in their means to those who have need of it.

In the case of poverty, this is a rather disgusting scenario.  This is related ideologically to the 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' meme, by the way. In both cases, the meme places the onus of resolving the problem solely upon the victim by way of the passerby denying the demand of the social contract that says they should assist the victim. This can be especially dangerous in cases of abuse and violence. It can add to a victims sense of despair and guilt, which work to keep them psychologically trapped in the abuse cycle.

Meme No. 2: Image - Male figure, back lit by the sky, looking upon an ocean scene. Image is in black and white, with greater emphasis upon the white elements of the picture due to composition. Text - Never blame anyone in your life. Good people give you happiness. Bad people give you experience. Worst people give you a lesson. And the best people give you memories.

This is one that made me so angry I started to feel a little bit sick when my eyes lit on it. My first argument is with this idea that blame is somehow wrong and to be shunned. Blame is another word for demanding someone take accountability for their actions. It is how we seek redress of our grievances. Yes, it can be used in a fashion to imprint the idea that a certain individual is responsible for circumstances that they did not create. It is a bit of situational irony that this meme does just that with how it is constructed. It oversimplifies people into four arbitrary categories. And those categories don't make sense.

You can gain experience from interacting with a good person. A bad person can at times give you happiness. Those kinds of experiences come from all walks of life and all kinds of people. Memories are formed every time you experience something. The strength of emotion and the force of the experience is what determines which memories are lasting. And lessons... Oh, lessons are everywhere. But not everything is a lesson.

Sometimes terrible things happen because people choose to do them. I guess if you stretch the concept a little bit, the lesson you get from that is to stay away from those sort of people. But that turns into the victim avoiding people who are not necessarily the ones that do terrible things. And the assumption that the people who do terrible things are something obvious like Snidely Whiplash. A better version of the people who do awful things would be Delores Umbridge. She looks and seems to be a pleasant person. Until she decides not to be. And this idea that the worst people are teaching someone a lesson makes it sound like the victim *needed* to go through the experience. No one needs to be victimized. If you argue that victimizing someone is a tolerable way to teach them something, you are well on the road to being a monster yourself.

Meme No. 3: Image - Grey background, upon close inspection looks to be Aida fabric. Text - A negative thinker sees a difficulty in every opportunity. A positive thinker sees an opportunity in ever difficulty.

Ok, my argument with this is grounded in two things. First, your attitude has literally no reflection upon the circumstances you are in. You can be pessimistic and still be standing in a rain storm. You can be an optimist in the SAME rain storm. That rain may pose a difficulty to both persons regardless of their opinions or feelings about it. If you're going to say that your feelings can cause rain to fall, you need to look long and hard at the statement and consider if you're going to commit to it. Because that opens up a whole different can of worms. Some magic(k) practitioners I know and a few govt. agencies are going to want to have a conversation with you.

The assumption that opportunity is a good thing has always irritated me. The word opportunity is defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as:

1:  a favorable juncture of circumstances opportunity

for rest and refreshment>

2:  a good chance for advancement or progress

No where does it say it is a good thing. That favorable juncture of circumstances can apply to everything from growing flowers, violent crime, and the timing of hurricane landfall to cause the greatest amount of damage.

So, in brief, my argument with meme no.3 is that it is placing the onus of being responsible for the situation upon the mental and emotional state of the observer. It implies that positive situations arise because of positive mental and emotional states. And that negative situations arise because of the negative equivalent. It also paints a false picture of what opportunity means. It doesn't mean that the situation with suddenly transform from the proverbial rain that the optimist and the pessimist are standing it to a bright sunny day if the pessimist becomes and optimist or a howling blizzard if the optimist becomes a pessimist.

Meme No. 4: Image - A lush fantasy scene featuring mountains in the foreground and a celestial body (possibly a satellite but equally possible to be another planet) in shades of red and white, with touches of deep purple. Text - Accept what arises in this moment and surrender to it. Enjoy it and see that it is you. Everything that arises is your awareness - It is you - but you can sculpt what goes on. You can sculpt the human experience when you accept what is. Become aware of what is now and step back.

This meme is a mishmash of concepts. Some useful, some not so useful, and some that are dangerous. Let's start with the useful concept presented here. Becoming aware of what circumstances you are in and pausing to reflect before engaging in action is a wise thing to do. I don't have argument with this concept that the meme is presenting. I think they worded it too vaguely but I think that is because of all the other concepts they try to hang off of it.

Accepting a situation and surrendering to it is not a good standard operating procedure. There are times where you simply can not accept a situation, because accepting implies that it is tolerable and there are things in this world that are intolerable, things that would be lethal if you simply accepted and surrendered to it. It's a fast way to die of hypothermia, for example. Encouraging us to enjoy the moments we experience is foolish optimism. There are going to be experiences you are not going to enjoy. They're going to be ugly, painful, and quite possibly traumatic. You need to acknowledge this fact, not try to hide it behind some blissed out argument that we should 'enjoy the moment.'

You are not the situation. You are not the moment. You are an observer. You are a participant. You may be a victim. To say that you are the situation and/or the moment robs you of your autonomy. And more repulsively, presents that you are the one victimizing yourself. The assailant is completely absolved of responsibility from this worldview because according to the worldview, the assailant is part of you. The only circumstance where you can have the assailant be part of you is if you are engaging in self harming behavior. That is literally the only circumstance that can happen.

The supposedly empowering statement that we can 'sculpt' human experience is pablum. There is no real density to this statement. Yes, we can make choices and we can, to some extent, choose how we feel or what our reactions to a situation are. But we have no control over the total experience. There will always be factors beyond our ability to quantify that are going to impact each moment. And 99.9% of the time, all of the external factors are ones that we have limited control over, at best. But that limited control can fail because of yet other external factors. We can set the thermostat to 72^o and the heater can break or the temperatures outside be of such a high difference from indoors that the thermostat setting does not reflect the ambient temperature of a room. If we can not have complete control over indoor heating, why would anyone think in their wildest dreams that they have complete control over anything.***

The worst thing about these four memes is that people trot them out on a daily basis and use similar ones to present this picture that we are in control of the world and our minds, that 'bad' and 'worst' people are recognizable immediately, and that victims are victims because they choose to be. No one chooses to be victimized. Let's drop this feel good bullshit, because it only makes other people feel good about turning a blind eye to the inhumanities of the world.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
* This site is absolutely brilliant satire. There is also one out there putting Taylor Swift quotes on pictures of Hitler. That is equally hilarious. If your sense of humor is as bent as mine.

** Yes, I am a witch. Yes, I perform magic(k) but this is entirely different. The magic(k) that I perform is not based in assumptions that I am the primary cause of all events happening to me.

*** Yes, I recognize the irony of my stating this given my difficulties with the urge to control EVERYTHING about myself.

Pushing forward.

I haven't been feeling well. After several months of feeling relatively well, I find myself sliding into a depressive episode. Growing anxiety, paranoia, and depression make it harder for me to go out of the house and do stuff. It makes me look at the stuff I have been working on and feel despair over finishing it. A part of me is angry because I feel like I've been robbed of something good and wonderful.

That anger is part of what keeps me pushing forward. A part of me growls 'I'm not done yet." at the part of me that says I should give up on everything. I am beginning to suspect, however, that the anger is keeping me from dealing with the vital elements of my condition that impact my life. I can't just ignore my problems sleeping. I can't just ignore when I skip meals because I don't have the heart to make myself eat. I can't insist that I am fine when I'm slowly falling apart.

I don't know what to do about this anger. I don't know what to do about how my mood keeps steadily dropping. I have so much that I wanted to do as soon as the kids went back to school. Now I find myself ready to throw in the towel on it before I have even reached the threshold. And that makes me feel ashamed and a little sick.

Knitting and stuff.

I have been busy working on projects. I started a sweater for Beloved. I haven't worked on it much because I'm honestly rather bored with it. The back is going to be straight up garter stitch. I have many rows to go until I'm at the shoulders and I can switch to a pattern of some sort. He was kinda difficult to get an answer as to if he wanted cables on it. That is part of the reason why it took so long to get started on this.

I am adapting a pattern from Piecework's last issue. That is a pattern that dates from World War I and was distributed by the Red Cross for civilians to knit up as doing their part for the war effort. I had to change the dimensions of the sweater because as it was written it would have been two sizes too small for Beloved. He expressed a desire for the sweater to not be 'boring' and that lead to my trying to pry out of him what he meant by not boring. My plan, as it stands now, is to knit up the back in garter stitch. The front will have alternating rows of garter and stockinette stitch. There will be a center panel with a knotwork design on it. I am debating drawing out the knotwork design on paper and converting it into a knitting pattern or if I am going to use a cable that I saw in my big book of knitting stitches.


I have started a new anxiety project. This is something I work on when I'm feeling anxious. It is a basic top down shawl. The pattern called for it to be in garter stitch but I've been doing it in stockinette because I prefer the smooth feeling of stockinette.

I have three balls of this colorway. I expect it will be enough to make a fair sized shawl. I don't know if I am going to keep it or not. Beloved has expressed appreciation of the colorway. He looked at me like I had lost my mind when I said he could have it when I was done. So, I guess I'll have to get someone else to take it.

Then there is my anniv. gift to Beloved. It isn't finished but it will be a messenger bag. I'm going to line it with blue felt. If I can find it in royal blue, that would be fantastic. I haven't decided how I am going to make the strap. The last messenger bag I made, I did a basic crochet strap and it stretched out a LOT. I don't know if Tunisian crochet will work for this or not. I was amused, however, that Beloved didn't realize I was crocheting this for him until I hit the point where I knew it wouldn't be done in time for our anniv. When I hit that point, I decided I'd tell him what it was and that I'm trying to finish it up quickly. This Friday (9/4) marks 11 years of marriage.

Plurality of Love

I am always horrified and repulsed when someone says that they couldn't possibly have another child because they 'don't have enough love in their heart for more children.' This idea that love is a scarce resource has always repulsed me. People have this false idea that romantic relationships should be monogamous because they 'can't' love more than one person. It is one thing to be monogamous because that is what works for you.

Loving one person versus loving many people is a bullshit argument. I love my husband and I love my children. Right there, I am loving more than one person. Love is something that we can hold for many, many people to varying degrees. Romantic love is different from familial love which is different from platonic love. But here's the crazy idea, all of these forms of love are different on the basis of context and expression. That feeling of love is still there otherwise we wouldn't call it love.

I was talking with my old friend K. from high school who mentioned her repulsion with that idea I mentioned at the beginning of this post. We talked about it for a minute and decided that it was a complete cop out. If you don't want more children, own that shit. You don't need to justify yourself to anybody. If you don't want to be polyamorous, own it. Again, there is no reason to justify yourself.

Love is love. It is separate from how big your family is, how many friends you have, who your lover(s) are, or how much shit you own. We need to stop conflating love and its context. It is lazy and irresponsible. It also sets up this horrible standard that love can only manifest in X number of forms if you are Y type of person in Z situation. Love doesn't depend on the context. Love happens on its own. It is like water. It may take the shape of the container it is in (the context) but it is not the same thing as what is holding it.

And the glorious thing about love is that unlike water, the more you give away, the more you have. It is a self renewing resource. Emotional investment is a tricky thing. We can get exhausted from emotional investment but it doesn't negate the emotions. If I have learned anything from this bullshit with bipolar that I have been dealing with for the last six years, I have learned that emotion is separate from context. Correlation does not equate causation.

Yes, there are a great many things that can provoke an emotional response, given the correct context. That, however, is a case of you responding to stimuli and then interpreting it in an emotional context. Let's think about it for a second. The physical symptoms of the body's arousal response are all pretty much the same. The limbic system for humans is more or less the same for each human and does the same thing, most of the time. The frontal cortex processes the stimuli as it hits the limbic system. For a moment, all you've got is the physical response to the stimulus. But, depending on how the frontal cortex processes the situation, that response can be fear, anger, excitement, anxiety, sexual arousal, or something entirely different.

Love is the same set of sensations every time. That's how we identify it from other emotions. The context helps us assess what is provoking that response. It can be the face of our child, the face of our lover, the sight of a pet, a favorite item, or anything else you can possibly have that stimulates that response. Yes, the process that the love response comes from is somewhat more complex than that of the fight-or-flight response. It doesn't change the fact that it is the same response for different stimuli.

Damn near anything can provoke a fight-or-flight response given the correct context. Why can't anyone figure out that it is the same thing with love?

Considering shorts.

Earlier this week, I read an erotica short that was kicking around on the Kindle that Beloved gave me a while back. As I read this thing, I was struck by two things. The first that hit me was how the writing wasn't all that great (mediocre at best) and yet they still got paid. The second thing that hit me was how short the thing was. It was a lot like reading one of the scenes I was writing on my other blog. It has been on the back burner for months now.

It isn't that I was embarrassed by what I was writing. It wasn't that I was burned out. The problem was I had no idea what to do next or where to go with that project. The lack of feedback that happens with my blogging makes it hard to keep posting material. It gets to a point where I wonder if I should just resume putting everything into notebooks. Still, seeing this bit of erotica Sunday afternoon got me to thinking.

I can write better material than that. I do on a regular basis with my rough drafts. It doesn't look like it would be too difficult to produce material for it and self-publishing is pretty easy with e-books. I think the real challenge would be covers. I don't have a budget for snazzy covers. A part of me toys with the idea of using some of my sketches for it but then I question if the quality of my sketches is strong enough for that. The other thought is to start doing abstract pieces to go with the stuff I'm writing and use a little digital manipulation to make the cover.

That, however, is going into territory that I literally have no idea what I would be doing. Still, the thought of producing something on a semi-regular basis that would not just get me readers but possibly a bit of cash is interesting to me. It is appealing and I guess that is a good sign. As things are getting settled and the school year is about to start soon, I know I am going to have time to resume writing my scenes. I have a few story lines that I really need to finish but I'm not sure how to get from point A to point B still. My attempts to just let my subconscious come up with it are not exactly bearing fruit.

I think I'm just going to have to sit down and do what I've done with larger works. Make myself a plot map and diagram how the whole thing is going to work. The initial idea of just writing the serial stories off the cuff is hindering me and making production very difficult.

Strawberry Freezer Jam & Preserving Foods.

I have been bitten by the preserving bug. In the refrigerator, I have 2 pints of strawberries. I am going to hull them and make freezer jam this week. I really like Mommpotamus's recipe. I made some last year using frozen strawberries. I can only assume it will be even more amazing with fresh strawberries.

I want to pack it into jars that will do well in the freezer but I have run out of the small pint and half pint plastic jars. I could use the plastic tubs and such that I have kicking around underneath the sink but I don't know if that it such a great idea. Thinking about it, I may have to wait until this weekend and pick up some freezer jars when I get groceries.

I picked up a tiny head of red cabbage. I am going to attempt, again, to make sauerkraut via fermentation. I was excited when I found some suggestions for how to avoid getting mold on the top of the ferment. That was what made the last attempt go so horribly. But, according to what I have read on the blogs of several people who do lacto-fermentation, I can put a layer of olive oil over the top of the brine and it will stop that from happening. I think I will get 1 pint of sauerkraut out of that cabbage, possibly a little less. But that is ok, because I only want that much for now, just to test if the recipe will work.

If it does, I am going to make a little more to give away, just like what I will be doing with the extra strawberry jam. I currently have a batch of refrigerator pickles going (with garlic) and I expect that they'll be ready by Saturday. Beloved is interested in seeing how they came out. If they're as good as I think they'll be, he will be happy.

Running out of ideas.

I have hit a point where I am starting to run out of ideas for blog entries. It is a disconcerting and unpleasant feeling to find that words are failing me. I'm an author. I always can depend on words. They're how I get ideas and stuff out into the world. But, right now, I am a bit stuck. I look at my blogs and I just have nothing coming to mind for what to post.

For one, I have a notebook of ideas. I look at the notebook and here is what happens:

Opens notebook.  
Reads outline for article.
Comments: Yep, those are words. They say stuff.
Close notebook.
Commence staring blankly at page/computer screen.
Repeat.

It has me feeling kinda low. This difficulty getting words out has me struggling with the question if I am good enough to get this book out. Never mind that I am nearly finished with the process of getting it to press and such. I want to blame the heat and the stress of managing kids and household stuff. But, honestly, I can't say that is the problem.

I am beginning to think I need to step back and take a few days off. I honestly don't know what I'm getting so hung up on.
 

Mass murder = failed ethnic cleansing?

The subject line is a bit rough but bear with me for a moment. I'm cobbling this together as I write.

There is the theory that slave revolts and riots are the language of the unheard lower class/caste of society. (And I am increasingly of the opinion that there is an active attempt to stratify society in the US into some semblance of a caste system for reasons I may discuss later.) If we consider this theory and then look at mass murder events, I find myself wondering if there is perhaps some parallel sociological activity in play.

Hate crimes that target ethnic communities with violence can be clearly considered attempts at ethnic cleansing when the objective of said crimes is the murder of said community. Mass murder propelled by motivations to kill/eliminate members of an ethnic group is an obvious attempt at ethnic cleansing. What about when the mass murder is in an attempt to eliminate a group of people who are of differing ideology?

I contend, again, this is an attempt at ethnic cleansing. Ethnicity is more than the color of your skin, the language you speak, and the food you eat. It incorporates ideology. Efforts to eliminate ideology is an attack upon the group that holds said ideology. When mass murderers go on their killing spree for the sake of removing an element from society, I think it is safe to say that their motivations are the same as those of a warlord in some petty third world country who is killing tribesmen he believes are filth to be removed from the Earth.

I will also be so bold as to say that this is not a case of random nutjobs at play here. Considering this from the angle of looking at societal pressures at play in the country, I see that as people resist the 'traditional' values/ethos/worldview of the dominant group, there will arise violence in places of tension. Police brutality, when examined from this lens, becomes an effort by the dominant group to reassert their dominance over the group they feel should be subservient to them. The more this group resists the will of the dominant group, the more the dominant group attempts to quell them with increasing force. I am counting the use of legal measures enacted to oppress a given group as a form of said force.

If we look at the United States, we find that the black population are pushing back against the systemic racism of the dominant culture. As this has gained traction, the dominant culture pushes back. It is for this reason that many black churches were burned. It is for this reason why a man was found lynched not long ago. It is the reason why there are so many cases of police brutality against minorities (predominantly blacks from what I can tell in my research thus far). A simple search turns up videos of law enforcement members abusing and, in some cases, killing people.

One may wonder why these things happen. This push back by the dominant culture via the increase in violence is an effort to intimidate the minorities into the previously occupied role within society that was present before resistance began. One may wonder, how does all of this fit together with mass murder. It is my argument that people who undertake mass murder that are members of the dominant social group are acted upon by sociological forces that encourage them to commit the act of violence against the targets deemed subhuman.

In an environment where relations between the dominant cultural group and the minority cultural group in question becomes increasingly polarized, violence is bound to erupt. This violence is a manifestation of the friction between the two social groups and attempts by each group to accomplish their goals.

Some may say, "But, Deb, we're civilized. We don't go around beating people into submission." I would point to all the ways that violence against the 'undesireable' people in society is laughed at and minimalized. There are states where murdering someone because they are transgender is acceptable. Let that sink in for a moment. There are states where MURDER is permissible. The way that the dominant society turns a blind eye to the violence within it is implicit approval of said violence. When said violence is turned into socially acceptable 'jokes' those who are inclined towards engaging in it find approval for their inclinations and encouragement in those jokes being permissible.

There are a lot of people who are up in arms over the idea that there is an active campaign to erase 'Southern heritage' and a lot of people who are up in arms over the idea of the 'illegal immigrants threat'. We won't bother getting into the hysteria surrounding Islam, the long standing and systemic racism against blacks, or the well entrenched xenophobia that is rampant through the dominant culture. Instead of focusing on all these 'threats' to society, we need to look at where the societal fault lines are and the underlying problems that are causing the increasing violence in this country.

The problems in the United States are not due to this group or that. They're not a result of something that happened generations ago (directly) or because there is a lack of homogeneous thought in the country. These problems are present because there is a failure to uphold human rights. When a person is no longer considered a legitimate person, when they become something other, they are robbed of their humanity and the inalienable rights that comes with said humanity. I honestly am not surprised that the UN and the international community are becoming increasingly disturbed with what is going on in the US. Flagrant violation of human rights are on the rise and there is an attempt to mainstream said violations as the norm.

Another nation did that. WWII resulted from it. And horrific damage was done to that country and it was functionally destroyed. If we don't work to resolve the human rights issues in this country, we are heading down a dark and terrible path.

Is your water safe?

So apparently there is this thing going around the blogosphere. Some wit out there decided that the glass of water you leave sitting on the counter overnight is not safe for you because of germs from your saliva and carbon dioxide getting into the water. After the initial moment of disbelief that this was a thing, I got angry. There are people all over the world literally dying for want of clean drinking water.

Let me repeat that. There are people all over the world who are dying for want of clean drinking water. And there are some entitled nitwits who seem to think that their glass of water that sat out overnight is unsafe and gross because it isn't fresh out of the bottle or filtered tap water. This is an outrage.

I am not a fan of bottled water to begin with. I recognize, however, there are some situations where bottled water is necessary. It can be done in an ecologically responsible fashion. I am not a fan of wasting water, which is what happens when someone decides that bottle of water is to 'old' to drink. If you have potable water, you should be thankful.

You are one of the lucky ones. If you think that your day old glass of water is too gross to drink, you need to acquire some fortitude and vertebrae. If no one has a communicable disease and the water is not contaminated in some fashion that renders it unsafe, you need to put on your grown up panties and drink the damn water. We don't have unlimited freshwater supplies. The world acquifires are in danger and pollution is a constant threat to those supplies.

If your entitled butt thinks that you can't drink that glass of water, you should stop drinking water. Because each drop that you save is going to be used by someone else who needs it. While you're at it, you may want to consider not breathing. Because the toxins in the air are bad for you, regardless of where you are at.

Dear writing time, I miss you.

It has been very hard to get time to sit down and do much in the way of writing. This has been making me somewhat cranky and I am not entirely sure how to resolve it. I have resumed carrying a notebook with me but it has been difficult to get stuff prepped for blog posts or manuscript insertion. I can not report that there has been an increase in productivity with the carrying of a notebook. I have been getting interrupted when I sit down to write in the notebook just as much, if not more, than I have been when I am at the computer.

I have been participating in this meme called July for Loki. This is my second year participating. I am approximately a week behind where I wanted to be right now. I don't know if I am going to manage to catch up and get a full 30 posts for Loki this month or not. I have been writing these posts up on my 'professional' witchery blog. On my more personal witchery blog, I have been continuing to chronicle my efforts with cursing Daesh (the group many of you may recognize as ISIS or ISIL). I've got two curses written up. I need to write a post on how they seem to be manifesting and the third one that is developed. My goal is to spend a lunar month with magical efforts focused on the defeat of Daesh.

My work on book two of the Umbrel Chronicles is a little stalled at the moment. I am struggling with the business of putting together a cover. It is proving more complicated than I had originally anticipated. Line edits are complete, however. I should be hearing back from some beta readers anytime now. We're a little over a week away from the deadline I set. I am a bit nervous but mainly irritated because I can't seem to figure out what I am doing for a cover and not having time to really do proper entries for the world building blog.

Summer School & Stuff

Tomorrow is the beginning of week two of summer school for the boys. Most of last week, they were excited to be going. Today, Cuddle Bear announced that he was not going to school because it was going to be closed tomorrow. I guess we've passed the honeymoon stage and jumped right to the irritating whining state. I had hoped that I would get at least another week of the honeymoon stage. He may think that he is going to get out of going to summer school, but he's still going. If nothing else, because I kinda need that 2 hr break from them to get some of this mountain of laundry folded.

It feels surreal how I am not incredibly upset over Grandma's death right now. Some of this is because I have been pretty busy over the last week. Some of it is because I realized that she is no longer suffering from dementia and bodily ills that go with being 85ish and she is now with Grandpa. After he died, apparently she was telling my parents (who were her care givers) to just let her die when she had her lucid moments. Rather than feeling upset, I have been feeling grateful for her passing being quick and in her sleep. I've been meaning to call and ask what the results of the brain biopsy were. There was some question as to what was causing the dementia. Hopefully, the results illuminate what the cause of that was and gives the rest of us some idea as to if we can prevent developing it ourselves.

With Grandma's death, I have come to the feeling that the farm is no longer 'home' to me. Yeah, I grew up there but it is no longer a place that I can go to and feel 'at home' now. For some reason, Grandma and Grandpa really made that happen. I think it is because their house never really changed over the years and they were always more or less the same over time. But now, that continuity is gone. I find myself feeling somewhat sad over it, but I'm not as crushed as I thought I would be. Perhaps it is because I have my own home and my own family now.

Oddly enough, along with the changes that happened at the farm, one of the places where Beloved and I frequented through our courtship changed as well. Miceli's Deli was probably the best place to get a sub in Geneseo. When we stopped over there recently, we discovered it was no longer called Miceli's Deli and the business model had changed dramatically. The owners and the staff are the same but the menu is different, the restaurant layout is different, and it has a significant change to how the place feels. We still ate there. Beloved has decided that their Ultimate Breakfast Sandwich is craveable. I'm not decided on it all. From what he said, however, the macaroni salad recipe is unchanged so we've at least got that going for us.

My flowerbed in front is choked with weeds. All last week I told myself I was going to go out there and pull weeds. The days I was organized enough to do it, however, it was raining. My goal for this week, aside from getting all the laundry put away, is to rip the grass out of that flowerbed. A part of me wonders if I should look into putting down weed blocking fabric with a layer of mulch over it. I'm still not decided on that, however. I don't know if the investment is worth it right now.

The plants on the back deck are doing fairly well. I don't think, however, that my miniature roses are going to bloom this summer. The morning glories that are growing up in a window box  are becoming unruly. They haven't bloomed yet but I think it will be happening soon. I tried putting up stakes for them to climb but the stakes weren't long enough. I put a tomato cage in there and it is almost covered now. It also doesn't stand up very well. I am contemplating using a bit of twine tied to one side of the tomato cage and run under the window box before being tied to the other side to stabilize it. I haven't made a full decision on it yet.

Independence Day? Whatever.

So, it is July 4th. I am not feeling any excitement towards today what so ever. Part of this may be my coming to grips with the death of my paternal Grandmother. Part of it may be the increasing disgust I feel towards how jingoistic the 'patriots' around me have gotten. When questioning the system gets you shouted down, shunned, or threatened with bodily harm, then you don't have freedom of speech. What you have is a mockery of it. You can say what ever you like, as long as you stay within these lines.

I look around me and I see people acting like there isn't an active war going on, like there are not veterans coming back traumatized and injured (when they are not in a box). I see people acting like we're the great bastion of freedom, completely ignoring the fact that we are not the only nation that has liberty. I see people wrapping themselves up in the flag as they push for the nation to become a theocracy because we're a 'Christian Nation' despite the fact that the country is NOT in any fashion founded upon Christian principles (especially those that are touted by these folk). I see all this and I feel sick.

Do I want to be someone who can say 'Yay America!' and enjoy fireworks with everybody else? Yes, that would be nice. It would make it a lot easier to fit in, I suppose. But my conscience won't let me. There is too much that is wrong in the nation to spend time flag waving. There is too much that is wrong done in the name of the nation to sit back and get caught up in the groupthink bliss state. I can't celebrate today because I am too grieved by what I see happening in the nation to do so.

Maybe that makes me 'unpatriotic' and some would go so far as to say that I am espousing 'treason' or that I am a terrorist sympathizer. The people who say that I am in the wrong for this a ignoring one of the principles this nation is founded on. A patriot is supposed to stand up and demand the government to take responsibility for how it has wronged the citizens. A patriot is supposed to speak out against crimes committed by the nation. A patriot is supposed to seek out the greater good for the whole of the people, not just the ones who agree with their positions or pay them enough money. I close with the following quote and I plea to my fellow citizens: Speak out against the wrongs of our government and the people who wish to rip away our rights for the sake of their comfort.

The First Amendment (Amendment I) to the United States Constitution prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion, impeding the free exercise of religion, abridging the freedom of speech, infringing on the freedom of the press, interfering with the right to peaceably assemble or prohibiting the petitioning for a governmental redress of grievances.

School's almost done.

Next Wednesday is the boys' last day of school. I'm dreading it a little bit, to be honest. I have no idea what we're going to do most of the day with the end of school. My wild ideas of getting some serious writing done over the last month did not come to fruition. A lot of things just got in the way, not the least of which has been getting used to this medication. It's funny, in a way, that I finally get used to it right when school is ending.

I went out for a walk this morning. In the midst of it I found a twig that looks to be just about perfect for making my own witchy broom. I'm planning on using the stalks from the day lilies for the brush end when the flowers are done. I also found two large goose feathers. I'm pretty sure they're wing feathers. I am going to try my hand at making quill pens with them. I've been reading about it and it looks simple enough to do. Those, however, are often famous last words.

I was worried that my royalties check got stolen. After some investigation and talking to people at Lulu.com (where I've self published and where the check was supposed to come from) apparently it went to my Paypal account. I don't recall changing settings so that payment went to it. At least I now know what happened to it. I may just leave it set up that way for future payments.

I should be hearing back from my beta readers regarding book two of the Umbrel Chronicles. Edits are a bit stalled on book three. I am probably not going to be doing much with the books until next September. I think the kids are going to keep me too busy to do anything, even plot mapping. I am in editing hell right now with the Sanctuary books. I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. So, putting that aside for a few months is a good idea right now.

I have been doing my therapy writing and I honestly don't know how I feel about it. Writing to my different personality aspects has been a weird experience. It makes me look at it all and kinda wonder about it. They're so developed and detailed. It's like they're almost an entirely different person (and in a lot of ways they feel like they are). I find myself wondering if this is what the hospital psychiatrist was baffled by. At one point, I had one tell me that they were shocked that given the trauma I have experienced that I'm not schizophrenic or suffering from dissociative identity disorder. I've been trying  not to get squicked by the feelings of doing this journal work. It is, however, very uncomfortable.

I've been feeling awkward about my reading right now. I'm taking a break from the Dresden Files and reading The Pearl. It is a complete collection of Victorian erotica that was published as an underground magazine in England. I'm not awkward about the fact I am reading erotica. What is awkward for me is the fact that I have zero response to it. De Sade's writings were ... interesting, to use a massive understatement. I didn't realize how left of center my appetites were until I started reading this. At most, I'm amused by how they phrase things and what they considered 'scandalous'. I thought that reading The Pearl would give me ideas for writing erotica shorts again. It absolutely has not. So, when I finish it, I will be re-reading De Sade. It makes me wonder what related writings I should locate next. Because I don't think the collection of De Sade's writing that I have is complete.

Spinning stuff and Preemie Bucket Hat.

I have gotten a good amount of spinning done and washed up a bunch of fiber. I have some brown Icelandic wool. I have some Cormo wool that is white. There's still a bit of grease (lanolin) in it but I am going to try out spinning 'in the grease' to see how it works out for me. The third batch of fiber that I washed up is Dorset wool.

I am going to try flick carding again. It is my hope that this time will not be as irritating as last time. I think I've got tip and butt ends of the staples figured out. Next time I give flick carding a try, I am going to make sure that I have lots of good, strong light so that I can see fairly clearly what I am doing this time. I suspect that my difficulties last time were because I had the fiber unaligned to begin with and I couldn't really tell what I was doing because the light was dim.

The spinning I finished was the blue-green colorway that was produced in honor of the Genesee Valley Handspinner's Guild's 30th anniversary, it is called Finger Lakes. The greens ranged from the color of grass to the shades of moss to the color of seaweed. The blues alternated between a dark, almost indigo shade, to something the color of denim. I spun it with a Z twist on my largest spindle (an Ashford student spindle that is made from unfinished Silver Beech and weighs 2.75 oz.) and plied it on my True Creations kick spindle. I was going to ply it with silver sewing thread and then decided to use the last ball of denim blue singles that I had spun with a Z twist on my second largest spindle (a Zebrawood and Maple bottom whorl spindle, I'm not sure what the weight is.)

Upon consideration after plying (though I think technically what I've done may have been overspinning it because I worked in the Z direction in this process as well), I think I should have gone with my original idea of plying it with silver thread. All the blue washes out the lovely shades of green. The funny thing is, the end result is just about exactly the color of Conesus Lake (the Finger Lake that I live near). I'll be giving it to the gal in charge of collecting the yarns for the display at the Finger Lakes Fiber Festival for the spinning guild this month. I'm curious how other people's samples have worked out.

I have been far behind in my efforts to make preemie hats for the Golisano Children's Hospital NICU for the last two months. This month, I've only made one. I am going to try to make at least one more before I go to spinning next weekend. Here, however, is my pattern. I would be posting a picture but for some reason I can't get pictures off the camera right now.

This pattern uses an 'H' crochet hook and acrylic baby yarn - sport weight (4).

Round 1: Make a ring (magic ring method), chain two stitches. Make 11 half double crochet stitches into the ring. Slip stitch final stitch into the second stitch of the starting chain. (12 st) Pull your ring snug.

Round 2: Chain 2, half double crochet into the base of chain. Two half double crochet into next stitch. Work your stitches with the length of yarn left over from starting the ring held at the bottom of the stitch, covering the yarn. Pull the yarn tight every three stitches or so until you run out of yarn to cover to keep the center of the project snug. Do the two half double crochets in each stitch for the whole round. When you return to the beginning, slip stitch into the second stitch of the starting chain. (24 st)

Round 3: Chain two. Half double crochet into the base of your chain. Do one half double crochet into the next stitch. *Work two half double crochet stitches into the next stitch. Work one half double crochet into next stitch.*  Repeat * around. When end of the round is reached, slip stitch into the second stitch of the starting chain. (36 st)

Round 4: Chain two. Half double crochet into the base of your chain. Do one half double crochet into each of the next two stitches. *Work two half double crochet stitches into the next stitch. Work one half double crochet into next two stitches.* Repeat * around. When end of the round is reached, slip stitch into the second stitch of the starting chain. (48 st)

Round 5 - 13: Chain two. *Half double crochet into next stitch.* Repeat * around. When end of round is reached, slip stitch into second stitch of starting chain. (48 st)

Round 14: Chain two. Half double crochet into base of your chain. Do one half double crochet into each of the next three stitches. *Work two half double crochet stitches into the next stitch. Work one half double crochet into following three stitches.* Repeat * around. When end of the round is reached, slip stitch into the second stitch of the starting chain. (60 st)

Round 15: Chain two. Half double crochet into the base of your chain. Do one half double crochet into each of the next four stitches. *Work two half double crochet stitches into the next stitch. Work one half double crochet into following four stitches.* Repeat * around. When end of the round is reached, slip stitch into the second stitch of the starting chain. (72 st)

Round 16: Crab stitch into each stitch. Slip stitch into first stitch of the round. Fasten off. Break the yarn and weave in ends. (72 st)

End result should fit over a medium sized apple or small orange.

Yule List 2015

I'm not going to name names, on the off chance that the recipients might be reading this. I'm just going to list what I am making and project status.


Item                                                      Status             Notes
1 adult men's sweater vest                     0/100             acquiring pattern
2 children's sweater vests                      0/100             acquiring pattern
1 kitchen towel set (blue)                      5/100             acquiring pattern for towel toppers
1 kitchen towel set (kitch)                     0/100
3 child crochet jewelery                        0/100             pattern acquired, choosing colors
sewing box                                           1/100             must make needle book & pincushion
adult crochet jewelery                           0/100             pattern acquired, choosing colors
beret and scarf                                      1/100             pattern and yarn acquired
child craft bag                                       1/100             bag acquired, findings being located
crochet shawl                                         5/100
embellished chef hat                              50/100           hat acquired
knit scarf                                               10/100

Wotan's Day and stuff.

Wednesday is also the day of the week for the god Wotan/Wodin/Odin. It's had a decent thunderstorm today. There are supposed to be more tonight. Fairly fitting for the Old Man's day. I gave him and Loki an offering of that Fireball whiskey I have sitting in the kitchen. I'm pretty sure it was well appreciated.

This morning was kinda rough. As I was going down the steps in the entryway to go put the kids on the bus, both my knees locked and I fell. Cuddle Bear bolted out the door as I cried out in pain. Snuggle Bug got my my cane because I just couldn't get myself on my feet with out it. Then I went outside, praying that Cuddle Bear hadn't gone off somewhere. I found him at the end of the walk waiting for the bus. I reassured him that he didn't make me fall and that things were ok. It stuck with him, though.

When they got home from school this afternoon, the boys asked to see my knee and volunteered to get me bandaids and such. I again told them that it wasn't their fault that I fell. I tried explaining that sometimes my knees don't work right, which is why I have my cane. I think they understood that after a few tries. I'm not sure, though. I guess we'll have to wait and see on that one.

Snuggle Bug lost a book from school about two weeks ago. We had looked everywhere. People at school were looking in various places. Today, I just gave up and ordered a replacement on Amazon (for 20¢). I found another for a penny more, so I ordered it as well. This was obviously the reason why the book was found today on the bus. When the books I ordered arrive, I'll be sending in the better of the two copies to school for the library and keeping the other home for Snuggle Bug.

I also found a book that I had been searching for as research material for a mere $11. I ordered that because the check I'm due from the publisher for the book that sold will cover the cost of it. I may only be making nickles and dimes right now off of my books. But I am making something and that has to count. I haven't set up automatic deposit on the checks because, honestly, I like the feeling of accomplishment that comes from holding a royalty check in my hands.

The gods have told me to write three books. I was struggling with what to work on since they gave me that directive about a month ago. Then, today as I was fixing some problems with one of the books I have out (there had been errors at the printers that needed adjusted), it struck me on what to work on next. It's funny, because the deities who told me to write books this summer were the Norse ones I follow. And the book that lept to the forefront of my attention was one of the Filianic projects I had sitting on the side for a while now.

So, tomorrow, I am going to start work on that. I have a very rough outline set up. I am going to revisit it and refine it. Then I am going to start the process of filling in the details as I work through my outline. If this goes well, I may be able to finish it relatively quickly. Because the boys have summer school this year, I will have at least one month with an hour and a half set aside 5 days a week to work on it. I may even get some decent progress started on it over the next few weeks leading up to when school lets out.

Me vs Food.

I have a confession to make. I'm now down to 179 lbs from being at 199 lbs a little while back. I wish I could say it was do to good clean living, healthy food choices, and robust exercise. The truth is, I'm down 20 lbs from my previous weight because I've been eating less. Some would say that is the point of a diet, to eat less.

If that is how you feel about it and think that what I've done is healthy, please stop reading right now and go do something else. The point of a diet is to change your eating habits to something conducive to the state of health you wish to be in. This might mean smaller portions, cutting out certain foods, or replacing certain foods with different ones. Or some combination of the three. That's not what I've been doing.

I have a problematic relationship with food. When I was younger, I was borderline anorexic. I starved myself because I felt it was the only way to make sure everyone in the house had enough food to eat, at first. I started that when I was about six or seven. As I got older, I felt less and less in control of my own life. Thus, I controlled how much I ate because that was one thing I could tell I had absolute control over. Additionally, I thought that not eating certain foods (ie fatty ones) would make my 'zits' go away. And, I was ashamed to eat in front of other people because my build was different from theirs. The harassment that I got for being so thin was awful and it has taken a very long time for me to become comfortable eating in front of people again. On my good days, I just have no problem with it. On my bad days, it is a real struggle to make myself eat because I feel that I am repulsive whilst eating.

Then I developed an ovarian cyst. The doctors said that I was so underweight they were concerned about how well the surgery would go. Fortunately, I wasn't so underweight that it went poorly. That was when Beloved decided he was going to make me finish my meals when I was out with him. He didn't go so far as to put the food in my mouth but nothing else happened until I finished my meal. I tried being slick about it and ordering small meals. The folks at the restaurant we went to regularly realized what he was doing and I regularly got full sized portions when I thought I was getting halves. You know you have a problem when the guys running your favorite restaurant start helping your significant other put more food into you.

After a few years of that, I got up to a relatively healthy weight. I was amazed by this because I suddenly had more energy then I ever did before. I wasn't cold all the time. I didn't have times where my stomach randomly hurt for reasons I never put together (that I was hungry). With some therapy, I learned to identify when I was hungry and how to take care of myself on that front. When it was time that we were attempting to have Cuddle Bear, I was actually ten pounds overweight. With some vigorous exercise and skipping extra sweets, I dropped down to 150 lbs and conceived shortly there after (with some medical assistance).

This was also the story of how Snuggle Bug was conceived. After Snuggle Bug was born, I thought my issues with eating were resolved. I did my best not to think about how 'fat' I looking in the mirror and focus on eating healthy foods. When I gained weight from my psych meds, I got even more depressed and felt I was hideous. Mind you, when I was grossly underweight, I felt that I was hideous then too. My weight yo-yoed a bit as I tried to get more exercise and return my weight to what I felt healthiest at (150 lbs). A part of me says I should be pleased with the fact that I've lost 20 lbs over the last month and a half.

That equals about 3lbs lost a week. It's a bit high but in the relatively healthy range. The problem is that weight loss didn't happen over the course of those six weeks. It happened in three. That makes it 6lbs a week. That is a sign that there is a problem. I know exactly what the problem is. I'm skipping meals again. I started skipping meals when I got anxious over the budget. This lead to my being anxious that we were not going to be able to afford to keep the pantry stocked and our family fed. While money is tight right now, I know that we've got resources we can turn to for help. We're not going to go hungry.

Rational thought, however, doesn't enter into this. My PTSD has been problematic for several months now, to the point where I was having nightmares every night. After my medication got adjusted, the nightmares stopped, more or less. But the feeling like my life was completely out of control and I was helpless to do anything about the problems we were facing was very powerful. Thus, I skipped meals. I would tell myself that I didn't feel hungry or that I would eat 'later'. Next thing I knew, I hadn't had breakfast or lunch as I was sitting down to dinner.

I only came to the realization that this problem has come back up today. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I don't know how I am going to regain a sense of control over my life. I feel like my PTSD and bipolar are running everything. I feel like my arthritic knees and PCOS are a time bomb waiting to go off. I look in the mirror and I find myself looking at my eczema and picking at it again, like I did in high school. I feel helpless right now. And that is creating major problems for me, again.

Ramblings and stuff.

I have been plugging away at life in the hopes of getting ahead on a few different fronts. Somehow, though, it keeps going a bit sideways on me. I can report, however, that I have finished that shawl I was working on since last August. I knew it was going to be pretty big from the pictures that went with the pattern. Once I got it off the needles, I was kinda left in shock at the size of it. Still, I have it finished and ready to be given to my sister in law.

Beloved has been searching for a hat to wear in the sun. I had been searching for a hat for him as well. I finally decided to take matters into my own hands. I picked up some space-dyed blue/white cotton yarn and crochet him a bucket hat. The first attempt was waaay too large and basically made him look like Cobra Commander, if Cobra Commander's hood thingy was in multiple shades of blue and white. We laughed and then I got to work on my second attempt. I am pleased to say that the second attempt was successful and his hat fits just right now.

I have been struggling with my writing. Part of the problem is the fact that I haven't felt well for a while now. Part of the problem is I haven't been sleeping well. And part of the problem is the fact that I have been very anxious of late, which turns writing time into worrying time. All of this interference has made it very difficult to focus enough to keep up with my blogging, let alone work on any of my books. I wish I didn't get so upset and panicky that I couldn't think when I have sat down to write of late.

It's been hard because the financial situation smacked me in the face recently. I knew that things were tight. After going over the budget to fill out a form to request a reduced rate at my therapist's office (they've made changes to their billing structure and my old form didn't meet their new requirements), I quietly sat at the kitchen table and did my best not to start shaking and freaking out. I am hoping that we'll hear something from Social Security regarding my second attempt to get disability in the near future.

Until then, it's creative budgeting and pinching pennies. I have been having difficulty socializing, which makes being logged into Keen torture. So, I have been avoiding it because I break out in a cold sweat at the prospect of talking to someone unfamiliar of late. My therapist is of the opinion that this is partially due to my high stress levels. I just want to get back to where I was mildly uncomfortable talking to people I didn't know rather then quietly panicking over the idea that they might attack me for daring to even exist.

I'm sure that my panic would be pegged as a variant of paranoia. I just know that it sucks and I want it to go away. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be doing that right now. My psychiatric provider has adjusted my medications again as of last week. We'll see if this resolves issues for me or not. I am hesitant to say that it has helped me sleep. Last night was the first night of no nightmares since August. I am daring to hope that tonight will be just as nightmare free. I would like to get back to where I am not afraid to go to sleep.

I am just trying to keep things moving forward. I don't feel like I'm making progress but Beloved assures me that I am. The gods tell me that everything will be ok and I should persevere. So, I've put my shoulder to the proverbial boulder and been pushing with all my might. Either things will improve or I will find a better way to cope with it all. Something is going to change if by nothing more then pure force of will.

Stumbling around toys and stuff.

The apartment is something of a pit of chaos right now. It's not as bad as it was yesterday afternoon but it is still not as tidy as I'd like it to be. I'm looking at everything and feeling the itch to start pitching stuff again. I recognize that the urge to organize and such is part of my entering into a hypomanic phase. Honestly, however, I think we could benefit from a purge of broken toys. There's just enough of them that I get irritated by them. The question is how to manage it with out the kids having massive meltdowns over it.

The laundry seems to have taken on a life of its own and declared the living room to be its domain. I just haven't had the energy to fold all five loads right now. I keep telling myself that I'll get it taken care of tomorrow. And then it is the end of the next day and I haven't done anything about it. Today, I folded one load and put it away. So, we're no longer at six loads of laundry in the living room. I don't think, however, that counts as much progress on that front.

I've been struggling with writing for the last few weeks. I stare at the screen and my mind just goes blank. I get the same problem with my journals. It is a really awful feeling, especially for someone who hopes to make some money via their writing. I have been spending some time editing. Book two of the fantasy series is off at beta readers right now. My goal is to have all of my ducks in a row to self publish this by the end of July. As my beta readers are making their way through the manuscript, I have been flailing over what to do for a cover. It hasn't been very pretty.

My mental health hasn't been the best. I want to say that I'm finished with this recent depressive episode. I don't know, however, if that is 100% accurate. My difficulty sleeping has come back somewhat and I've been making up the difference with naps in the morning. I'd like to say that it has improved the situation but, honestly, I don't think it is. I am attempting to not worry about stuff and not sit here and complain about how unfair it is. I still have a lot of anxiety and anger, however, roiling around in my gut that I just can't seem to get out. (Because of the difficulty in writing, which is also extending into drawing/painting right now too.)

I'm not seeing my therapist as often as I was before. I just kinda feel that I'm treading water right now. The medications help even out my moods, I suppose. But I keep having more unpleasantness welling up when I sit down to look at it. I am not even phased by it. I look at it, sigh, and then continue on with my day. It's, to some extent, become like another ache or pain. My knees haven't been happy with the weather, so the aches and pains have been regular. Hopefully, the return to the regimen of gulcosamine will resolve that.

Gardening stuff is a mixed bag. I have some seeds that I want to sow but I need a bit of work done to get the pots I am going to put them into ready. I picked up a few plants at the farm market just up the road. I purchased a bunch of herbs (apple mint, chocolate mint, and dead nettle). I potted up the mints and put the dead nettle into the flowerbed in the front yard by the steps. I had to cover everything because of the potential for frost tonight. My biggest concern is that my miniature rosebushes will not survive the night.

I will be very disappointed if they die. It's bad enough that I can't just plant them in the yard and I basically have to treat them as annuals. If I can't get them to make it through the season, I will be quite sad. I'm hoping that they will take well to being potted. I divided them and put them into pots last week, they look a bit bedraggled. I would love it if they bloomed. I am thinking about keeping one of the pots indoors in the back hallway over the winter so that I can keep at least one plant but I don't think that is a realistic option. Ah well, such is life.

On the Baltimore riot

NOTICE: Re-posted from my Facebook account. I was inspired to write this after the umpteenth time of seeing people saying that the riots are BADWRONG and not conducive towards effecting change to resolve the problem highlighted by the death of Freddie Gray. Flame me if you will, I'll just ignore you and continue in my merry way.

riots are the language of the oppressed. it has been the case for as long as there have been people oppressed in *any* society. you can find examples on the matter of race going back at least to the Civil War era (if not longer). some of those riots were not termed such, but rather 'slave rebellions' (because the rioters were slaves).

have there been riots by those who are in the dominant group? yes but the majority of riots that have happened over the course of history are the oppressed attempting to force change. and they get called riots by the dominant group because it belittles what the rioters are moved to violence over and their acts of rebellion.

if you are going to say that a riot isn't the way 'civilized' people effect change, you are taking an exceptionally narrow and elitist view on history. sometimes, the only way change happens is because of the pressures placed upon the dominant group through the uprising of the oppressed group(s) and one of the ways the oppressed puts pressures on the dominant group is through violence.

when they've been stripped of 'legitimacy' and 'credibility' by the dominant group (who systematically undermines peaceable efforts to effect change by the oppressed, because that's what oppression does), the oppressed people are left with a limited range of ways to force society at large to take notice of their situation and demand redress of grievances. in an ideal world, people could peaceably assemble and air their grievances with the expectation that just action would be taken to rectify the problem.

that, however, is not the world we live in. when systemic oppression reaches a limit where it is intolerable, people will violently move to throw off the limits of oppression. this is part of the reason why the American Revolution happened.

don't like it? then actively work to see justice done for the oppressed and give them back their voice, legitimacy, and credibility in our society. if no one does anything, this will continue to fester and get worse. not because rioting is bad but because oppression is like cancer and will spread to other areas as the people who are in positions of power attempt to expand it.

me vs bipolar: round 5793 FIGHT!

I haven't been feeling well for a little while now. I spent about half of this month depressed. Possibly a little longer, because my sense of time is fuzzy right now. Today has been a really rough day due to my fucked up brain chemistry. I slept all morning on the couch because I just didn't have the energy to do anything. Then I was anxious this afternoon. Then evening hit and I found myself somewhere between wanting to scream incoherently in rage/frustration and sob with crushing grief.

I've taken some Ativan and as it has been kicking in, I can feel myself calming down. I still feel lousy but I'm no longer ready to throw things across the room. This is a significant improvement. I just want to curl up and go to sleep but I dread the idea of it. A part of me tells me it is wasted time which I should be spending on something productive. Today, I was so unfocused that I couldn't really do much of anything.

My sense of time has become so warped that I honestly thought today was the 30th and put that date on some checks I was about to mail out. I have picked them out of the mailbox and set them aside to send on the correct day. I was feeling better yesterday. I wasn't feeling great but I wasn't like this. I was landing more on the depressive side of the ledger but I was more functional too.

Now... I don't know what to do with myself. I feel awful between the frantic sense that I am doing everything wrong, the guilt that my disability is keeping me from contributing financially to our household, and this directionless, all consuming anger. The Ativan is making it a little less explosive but I still feel like I'm on the verge of falling to pieces. I tried, I really did try to get some writing done today but I couldn't get past the sense that my efforts to create a writing career is an exercise in futility and that no one really wants what I have to offer.

I am struggling with the sense that I am somehow doing this whole parenting thing wrong. Logically, I know that there is nothing I have done to cause my children to have autism (or be showing pretty much most of the hallmarks of ADHD). I fully understand, intellectually, that my only contribution to this situation is genetic and that Beloved and I are doing all the things we can to support and help them navigate the challenges that come from these diagnoses. My neurochemical issues, however, have me perseverating on the idea that I have some how caused my children's difficulties and that I am a bad parent because I get short tempered with them. I get stuck on this concept that I should be like I was about ten years ago when I was working at the daycare and pretty much able to cope with most of the challenges that came at me with the kids.

I get so angry that I am not that woman anymore. A part of me wants to cry and scream about how unfair it is. And then there is the part of me that angrily insists that wouldn't make a damn bit of a difference and there is no point to indulging in those kinds of things because they wouldn't contribute anything positive to the situation. Last night, I was real angry too. I was angry with everyone who has said that they didn't know 'how you do it' to everything that I've done thus far and am doing right now.

For me, there was never an option to just give up. It has always been something that I fought against. Because I am angry. I am so filled with rage that I could be incandescent. It's anger that pushes me forward just as much as it is passion. I'm angry with the injustice in the world. I'm angry with the cruelty that I see in it. I'm angry with the people who have hurt me and the ones who hurt the people I love. Oh, how I am furious with the ones who hurt the people I love. I am angry with the fact that I am disabled. I am angry with the fact that I can't do all the things that I would like to, even if disability wasn't a factor.

I get so angry that I feel like I am going to vomit. And then I pour it into pushing forward. I'm waging war on life and each time I am forced to take a tactical retreat, I get even more furious. People wonder where the darkness in my stories comes from. It comes from that rage that is bubbling beneath the surface. It comes from the dichotomy that I am forced into where I must always keep a calm and soothing, if not pleasant, facade for the world and this madness that drives me into a stammering, trembling mess just looking for a target to explode on.

I wish I could just put this down and be happy. Or at least not so livid. Right now, however, I am in no state for such things. It is just how this mixed episode is going. I knew that I was tending into a mixed episode when I went from being able to sleep through the night to waking up in the middle of the night and having a hard time falling asleep. I get like that as I move into and experience a hypomanic state. Why can my hypomania have me doing things like baking cookies? Why must it be anxiety, restlessness, and on the edge of fury?

Maybe it's somehow tied to my c-PTSD. I don't know. I don't claim to have the answers. And that's something else that makes me angry. Because not knowing what the fuck to do about this stuff aside from take pills and yammer at my therapist is making me upset because there has to be something I can do to make these symptoms easier to manage.

I don't know. I'm tired. My brain is just running full tilt. And I feel like I should be breaking shit right now. Totally not the right headspace for much of anything, unfortunately.

Garden disappointment.

It looks like we're finally past the danger of frost. I had hoped that I would be doing some gardening by now but this is not the case. It is not that the new landlord is averse to the idea. He thinks it is a pretty good one and that I am more then welcome to pursue it (as long as he doesn't have to put any money in on it). My disappointment rests in the fact that where I had planned to put in a flower bed was a great deal of poorly buried trash. In the midst of getting rid of all that trash, the potting soil I had put down there was thrown away as well.

A part of me wants to just throw in the towel on any sort of gardening this year. I think, however, that it is my illness talking. I am currently in the waning phase of a depressive episode and it has my view on the world skewed towards the negative. I have been getting short with the kids and being upset by small annoyances far more then I would if I was in a more reasonable state of mind. This has me on the whole feeling upset with myself and the world. It also has me making a negative forecast for the future. A thing which I am trying very hard not to do.

I tell myself that this too shall pass but it feels like empty words. It has been difficult this go on the depression merry-go-round but not as hard as it has been other times. I honestly think that the medication adjustment that was made back in February is still effective right now because I am not caught in a crushing sense of despair. I'm just cranky and ill humored right now. And I am getting less so as the time passes.

I have my second Filianic oriented book out now. It was kinda hard to get that one done. I am of mixed feelings about the final result. I know that it is a book that may prove useful to others who follow the Filianic faith. There is an utter dearth of books that look at the devotional aspects of this faith. While I know that Filianism does not have a large populace following it, I know that people who are drawn to it find themselves at a loss for what to do when they engage in worship.

I have a radio (webcast? radio? I honestly don't know what the best description for this is) interview coming up in a few weeks. I'll be discussing the book and providing some in depth information about Filianism based on the research and study that I have done over the last several years. I feel a little bit out of my depth right now but I am going to make a point of putting together a document that covers the history and current state of Filianism. I will be publishing it on my religion blog at about the same time as when the interview will be happening. I feel a little nervous about this but I know that my ability to put together a research paper is solid and I can just start from there on the rest.

I don't really know what more I should add right now. I haven't been feeling up for being social of late. I would have gone to the spinning guild's meeting today but the prospect of dealing with a large group of people made my stomach do flipflops. I did, however, make a point of working on spinning some of the dyed roving that is part of a guild wide project. I am approximately a quarter of the way through the bag. I haven't decided if I am going to ply this stuff on itself or with something else. I started out trying to use the kick spindle but I got very frustrated with it. So I went to my trusty top whorl drop spindle and did that whilst pacing the front walk as I minded the kids outside today.

I suppose that finishes off what I have to say for today. I'll try to post something else in the near future. I can't keep letting life get the best of me and keep me from posting on here.

Getting healthier.

After my appointment last week with my psychiatric care professional, I stopped in to see the nurse they have at the facility. It is something new that they are doing, where clients who are on medication have their blood pressure and other things monitored to keep an eye on how the medication is working. It doesn't cost me anything more and sounds like something that will actually be useful. Thus, I am participating in it.

The nurse was a lively fellow with an extensive history in the medical field and a delightfully sharp wit. I found him to be quite charming. I was told that it is impressive that my lungs are clear bilaterally and moving air well for someone with asthma. He was additionally pleased when I reported that I don't smoke (because Beloved would skin me for it, amongst other reasons) and that my alcohol intake was very low. My blood pressure was 120/80. I restrained the urge to laugh when he said wow before telling me the numbers.

Apparently, my systolic number is a bit high but still within the normal range. I mentioned that high cholesterol ran in my family and asked if that could be a contributing factor. He said that it was possible but some people just have higher numbers normally than others. My weight is still level around 185 lbs. I mentioned some frustration with how I've been doing in my efforts to get back down to my goal weight of 150 lbs. He suggested that I monitor my weight daily and keep a diary of what I eat and how much I exercise.

I explained that I was very uncomfortable with the daily weight monitoring because of my history with eating disorders. (I was borderline anorexic when I was younger) Thus I was recommended to do so twice a week. I'm still a bit uncomfortable with that thought but it is more reasonable then every day. He suggested that I engage in walking or swimming as my mode of exercise because it would be easier on my arthritic knees. His ideal was for me to get 20 min of walking in three times a week.

Now that the weather has improved, I think that will not be a problem. I think I am going to try for 20 min of walking every day, to be honest. The exercise helps my anxiety and quiets my mind. As much as I'd like to take up running (as many of my friends have done) I don't think my lungs would appreciate that.

I am trying to be more disciplined with my diet. For a little while there, I drifted away from my habit of eating vegetarian meals every day at breakfast, lunch, and an afternoon snack. My dinner has always included some sort of meat. I recognize that it's important that I get the nutrients in it and that vegetarian meals will not go over well with folks in my house. Sometimes I think about switching my diet to a fully vegetarian one and then I remember that I love a good stake as much as the next gal.

I am, however, dramatically cutting down how much soda I drink. I tried replacing it with tea and I had a moderate amount of success. At the suggestion of this nurse, I'm trying out replacing it with Crystal Light (or the generic equivalent of it). I've gone through one week doing this and I'm not completely repulsed by it. While it does have aspertame in it, the taste is nothing like diet soda. It's a little off but not enough so that I find it disgusting.

So, now I am attempting to find a flavor that I like. I have this strawberry version that I have been drinking. I thought I was going to enjoy it because I love strawberries. All I have accomplished thus far is reminding myself how much I dislike artificial strawberry flavoring. It doesn't completely repulse me but it is not pleasant unless I am very thirsty. And even then, I'm not drinking it for flavor but for the liquid intake.

I am limiting the amount of sugar in my diet. Last week, I had what I hope will be my final pint of ice cream/sorbet for a while. As much as I enjoy the stuff, I recognize that eating a pint every week (which is what I had been doing for a little while when the holidays were in swing) just is not good for me. I found myself looking for something sugary after dinner tonight. My solution was a 1/3 cup of M&Ms. It's a little over one serving but a lot less sugar then a half pint of gelato. (Yes, I am the woman who will eat a pint of ice cream when stressed out. I don't watch romantic comedies when I do it, though. So I'm not the stereotype.)

Spring Break, yay?

Today is day three of spring break (if we don't count the weekend as part of it). The weather yesterday and the day before was pretty rotten. It was unseasonably cold, wet, and it even snowed a little. As a result, the boys and I were indoors all day. I'll be honest, I prayed to the gods for better weather today. I didn't trust the weather report that it was going to be seasonable today. It had happened too many times over the last few months that they said it was going to be seasonable and then it turned out to be brutally cold.

We got outside today. I have started work on transforming this place of building debris into a circular flowerbed. I manhandled the four pots of tired soil over to the spot. Dumped the soil out and let the kids have at it. They got a good percentage of it broken up before they found a board and decided to build a bridge across two of the larger lumps of soil. I still have another pot of soil to move. This one is up on the back deck, so it will be a bit problematic. I hope, however, that I won't drop it. I did that with my sunny yellow plastic pot and split the thing in half. I was not pleased.

I am still at a loss for what to do about the boys behavior. Cuddle Bear has been defiant and acting out over the last few months. It is more of a problem at home than at school. This relieves me, at the same time, however, they are seeing an uptick in his defiance there as well. The hope is that this is just due to cabin fever. I am still dreading the remainder of the break because he is still somewhat prone to throwing tantrums/having a meltdown over being disciplined. And, because Cuddle Bear is acting out, Snuggle Bug is acting out. It made things difficult, to say the least.

In the midst of all this, Beloved and I have decided to alter how we have been disciplining the boys. We had been using corporal punishment (spanking) and time outs. Spanking being reserved for more severe offenses. Things have reached a point, however, that we are realizing that spanking just isn't helping the situation and if anything it is making it worse. And, honestly, it breaks our hearts when Cuddle Bear asks what will happen after he does something really bad (like break our new television, which thankfully he has not) and then fills in what he thinks is consequence will be: grabbing him and giving him a big spanking. When he started saying this over the last few weeks, Beloved and I both decided that we had to stop this.

So, now they are getting time out for bad behavior. And when the behavior gets especially bad, we take their favorite toys away until either when they are behaving better or bed time (which ever comes first). And we make them sit with us on the couch. As they sit, we talk to them about why they are in trouble and if they know why. We also talk about what they could do better and how not to get in trouble. It hasn't had any dramatic successes yet, but this is still fairly new.

The hard part is stopping myself from telling them that the consequence of their actions is going to be a spanking and stopping myself from handing them out. I have to check myself on a regular basis over the last few weeks. My therapist says that Beloved and I are doing something really huge and something that is to be commended. With the two of us having grown up in homes where corporal discipline was a big thing, stopping that pattern of behavior is very hard. I'm trying to stop yelling when I'm angry. I am having very little success with this.

Parent teacher conferences happened two weeks ago. The boys are making good progress academically and in their therapies. Cuddle Bear is at the point where they are going to recommend he no longer have a 1:1 aide. His strength is improving significantly and so are his social skills. The perseveration over garbage trucks is still present but he is beginning to make progress breaking out of that as well. So, it may be that we can get him the skill set to attend better to lessons and his academics, which will lead to him catching right up with his peers.

Snuggle Bug is, academically, right where the other kids are in his grade. He is doing really well with his therapies as well. The fact that he has gone from random scribbles to writing letters is fantastic. The added fact that he can read most of his sight words and spell a bunch of them is just icing on the cake. They are talking about taking him out of the special ed classroom and putting him into the main classroom. His difficulty attending to tasks and his tendency to wander off has them talking about giving him a 1:1 aide. It is my hope that we can make the same progress with him that we have made with his brother.

I had something of a breakthrough last week when I was out washing laundry. I was watching some children running around the laundromat and how they were interacting with their adult. And as I was watching it, I realized that I was looking at Snuggle Bug's daily behavior patterns. Everything down to the way they spoke reminded me of him. It really brought home the developmental delay that Snuggle Bug has and made me feel bad for expecting him to operate at a higher level. It's only served to frustrate the two of us and leave me feeling like a failure. So, I am trying to approach things on that lower level but it has been very difficult.

I was on the fence about doing something for Ostara with the boys. I have been struggling with a good deal of anxiety that I am going to talk about on my other witchy blog. Then an answer to what I was struggling with fell into my lap. Now I'm trying to figure out what I am going to do for them. I don't have time or the finances to do anything extravagant. Only Snuggle Bug likes eggs, so dying a dozen of them wouldn't really work out that well. Also, we have a yard that is devoid of any greenery (lots of mud though) so we have no where to hide eggs either. I think, however, I am going to make them some kind of little basket and put treats into the plastic eggs that I have from last year. Then I'll put them at their spots at the kitchen table or something.

One thing that I wish I had the funds for was to get the boys a t-ball set and a baseball glove for each. I don't know if I can find that at the dollar store or not. If I can, then I'm going to grab it. I'll pull out of my savings jar to do it. Because the therapists have told me that it would be really great for their strengthening and coordination. Ah well, at least we got the bikes out for a while today. But, that is where everything stands right now.