winter

winter

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Ramblings and stuff.

I have been plugging away at life in the hopes of getting ahead on a few different fronts. Somehow, though, it keeps going a bit sideways on me. I can report, however, that I have finished that shawl I was working on since last August. I knew it was going to be pretty big from the pictures that went with the pattern. Once I got it off the needles, I was kinda left in shock at the size of it. Still, I have it finished and ready to be given to my sister in law.

Beloved has been searching for a hat to wear in the sun. I had been searching for a hat for him as well. I finally decided to take matters into my own hands. I picked up some space-dyed blue/white cotton yarn and crochet him a bucket hat. The first attempt was waaay too large and basically made him look like Cobra Commander, if Cobra Commander's hood thingy was in multiple shades of blue and white. We laughed and then I got to work on my second attempt. I am pleased to say that the second attempt was successful and his hat fits just right now.

I have been struggling with my writing. Part of the problem is the fact that I haven't felt well for a while now. Part of the problem is I haven't been sleeping well. And part of the problem is the fact that I have been very anxious of late, which turns writing time into worrying time. All of this interference has made it very difficult to focus enough to keep up with my blogging, let alone work on any of my books. I wish I didn't get so upset and panicky that I couldn't think when I have sat down to write of late.

It's been hard because the financial situation smacked me in the face recently. I knew that things were tight. After going over the budget to fill out a form to request a reduced rate at my therapist's office (they've made changes to their billing structure and my old form didn't meet their new requirements), I quietly sat at the kitchen table and did my best not to start shaking and freaking out. I am hoping that we'll hear something from Social Security regarding my second attempt to get disability in the near future.

Until then, it's creative budgeting and pinching pennies. I have been having difficulty socializing, which makes being logged into Keen torture. So, I have been avoiding it because I break out in a cold sweat at the prospect of talking to someone unfamiliar of late. My therapist is of the opinion that this is partially due to my high stress levels. I just want to get back to where I was mildly uncomfortable talking to people I didn't know rather then quietly panicking over the idea that they might attack me for daring to even exist.

I'm sure that my panic would be pegged as a variant of paranoia. I just know that it sucks and I want it to go away. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be doing that right now. My psychiatric provider has adjusted my medications again as of last week. We'll see if this resolves issues for me or not. I am hesitant to say that it has helped me sleep. Last night was the first night of no nightmares since August. I am daring to hope that tonight will be just as nightmare free. I would like to get back to where I am not afraid to go to sleep.

I am just trying to keep things moving forward. I don't feel like I'm making progress but Beloved assures me that I am. The gods tell me that everything will be ok and I should persevere. So, I've put my shoulder to the proverbial boulder and been pushing with all my might. Either things will improve or I will find a better way to cope with it all. Something is going to change if by nothing more then pure force of will.

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