Scumbag brain is doing scumbag brain things again.

 I have been working to build my online presence as an author of esoteric and non-Christian religious texts. I'm actually making some headway in this process. Facebook has been a bit wonky about the author page that I'm working on. At the same time, however, I am having anxiety over finishing this page and such.  Why?

Well, I'm afraid that my parents are going to use this public access point to harass me. I'm afraid that the horrible things that my mother predicted about my writing on these topics are going to happen (including but not limited to people coming to burn my house down and kill my family). Mostly, I'm afraid that my parents are going to get back into the psychological abuse game in public and destroy my budding career. I have them blocked from my personal page. I don't have them blocked from my professional pages. But I don't think they're even following them.

I am just afraid to move forward, to be more aggressive in my pursuit of my career in writing because I'm afraid that they're going to come slithering up to me and make my life hell. It doesn't matter that I've been married and functionally out of their lives for the last fifteen years. My brain says that they're going to show up and drag me back to the farm at any given point in time because they have some kind of claim of ownership on me due to the fact that I am their child. I panic that my life today is just some kind of elaborate fantasy that I invented to cope with the hostility that I was living under in that household.

It's been rough. Last week, I had a traumatic memory bubble pop and I've been reeling with emotional flashbacks and anxiety for the last several days. There's no way for me to get justice for what happened to me. There's no point to trying to confront the people who traumatized me because they'll act like nothing happened (at best) or damn me for trying to make problems in the family (at worst). I don't have a therapist to talk to about this crap. I feel like it would be helpful but I can't find anybody who takes my insurance.

I'm just not doing fantastic right now and it's making everything hard. I'm not sleeping well because of it, and that's despite the cocktail of meds that knock me out every night. I am just afraid to do anything. I'm afraid that everything I do is going to go wrong and I'll be subjected to corporal punishment and psychological torture for it. I keep reliving my late middle childhood and my early teen years. I don't know why but it's exhausting and I want it to stop.