winter

winter

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Never compromise, never surrender!

I have a dear friend going through his dark night of the soul. I am sure that I seemed callous and uncaring in my responce to his suffering. Gentle Reader, please understand, I am by no means a callous person. It grieves me deeply that he is suffering like this. Even more so that he feels he must start on the road of self-destruction to evade that suffering.

The conversation I've had with him has returned me back to a feeling that's been rooted in me ever since I left an abusive monster years ago. Never ever compromise your well being for the sake of another's comfort. Never surrender your self, your very soul for the sake of some one's conveiance. I suppose some may say it's foolish and maeby even selfish to take this stance. I know more then a few people would argue that it's clearly against the beliefs that I am now espousing.

Let me clarify, if I can, Friend, where this statement comes from. I have seen the hell wrought by surrendering your self to another as a plaything to their whims. There is an amazing degree of power that you give up. A startling degree of vulnerability and also... a frightening potential for grevious abuse. Please know that I do not assume that all relationships of deep intimacy will be abusive. I have enjoyed (and if the good God is willing, shall do so until I am quite old) a passionate and deeply intimate relationship for 10+ years.

The line in the sand needs to be an granite wall of uncompromising strength and insurmountable height between the core of yourself and the world about you. Only you should control what you sacrifice of yourself and just how deeply you are impacted by the world around you. You must not ever surrender your psychological, emotional, spiritual, and phsyical well being for the sake of anyone. To do so places you at risk for deep, deep harm if not death. Even today I have wounds buried in my heart and soul from the abuse that I suffered over a decade ago.

I wake afraid that the man who hurt me so deeply will come to harm me and my dear husband in the night. I'm terrified that I'll be kidnapped and have everyone I love murdered before my eyes before I am finally raped and murdered by the monster. Why is this, you ask? Because I allowed that person such intimate access to my sense of self. I allowed him into my heart to that degree and gave over enough of my control to him that I was fearful to dress outside of colors he liked seeing on me.

Never, for the love of everything sacred, never give up that much of yourself. It will kill you. It will rip the life out of your eyes and leave you either dead in the street or effectively a zombie. Either way, you will not be the person that you are today, loved and cherished by your friends and family. Make limits on how close people can get to you. Even those dearest to you, you still need a limit. And enforce them fericely.

Anyone who feels that they can wound you with impunity, cut them off. Keep them as far away from you as possible, for they are your enemy. These people are the ones who want to hurt you for the sake of their empowerment and satisfaction. These are the ones that turn into the monsters. Run from them as if all the fiends of hell were at your heels, because I assure you that in some shape or form, they most likely are.

And, dear Reader, know that I pray for you. I pray for everyone to be kept free of that hell. No one deserves it, not even the monsters themselves. Fight like hell, Friend, fight like hell and save yourself.

1 comment:

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