Saturday, October 01, 2005

Essay: untitled, fall 01

Once, I yearned to be some one other then I truly am. now, as I learn more about other women and their experiences, I find that I am becoming more comfortable with who I am. It gradually had become apparent to me that women with gifts for empathy and compassion, as well as a lively intrest in the realm of the spiritual, are viewed with an increasingly high regard and looked on as leaders. I read of these women and I find myself saying they're so much like me that it is incredible. Then I say "why can't I do that?"

Shortly after, I'm full of doubt and anxious. Saying that I don't know enough to write or speak on these things. Goddess has given me gifts, why am I so afraid to use them? What prompts me to deny my abilities and the oporutnities that I have, only to lament them later?

he is abeautiful man, I love him dearly. But I refuse to listen to his wisdom. It scares me. The sound of my own laughter makes me uneasy, almost as uneasy as my own tears. Why am I so terrified of admiting all the wonderful qualities that I have, of accepting the beautiful and deeply spiritual person I am? As I write this my anxious twitch ash intensivied signifigantly.

Ah beloved, if only I could have the same loving, compassionate and calm acceptance of myself that you have of me. You love me for my weaknesses, flaws, faults, wounds and mistakes, even as you do for their opposites. It is so easy for me to have the same acceptance of you, and yet I ... I flee this healing for myself.

Am I a fool or am I blinded by something? Does something hold me back, is there something I can not understand. Some basic knowledged that I need to accept myself? Or, am I even asking the right questions?

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