Yet more to add!

I confess, it is rather amazing what happens when you add a bite to eat into the equation for resolving lack of inspiration. Baby stuff does make for good posting material, but so do many other things. It's a tough debate as to what to put in here, unlike earlier where I couldn't think of anything at first.

I think what I'm going to do is post on the most immediate of topics- my husband. :)

Right now, he's playing a game called God of War II. Our friend loaned it to him on his birthday back in May. He's been busy trying not to stress himself out over work stuff, so he's taken some time to beat the game a few times. Right now, he's gotten to the point where he has some nifty tricks available to him. It's fairly entertaining to watch him play the game. There's something hilarious about a grown man trash talking a computer or a video game, can't quite place it, but it's there. The other thing that amuses me is how he's been 'testing' the rocking chair when he doesn't think I'm looking. Using it to play his games on the Playstation just makes me chuckle.

I'm glad that chair is comfortable for both of us. It will be important later on. Right now, he and I are already getting a little bit of experience soothing baby into some quiet time before I go to sleep. It's funny, but his rubbing my belly works better then my doing so. If I'm just sitting in the rocking chair and rocking, the little one will settle down. But it only lasts as long as I'm in the chair. When I go to get up, the baby will stir and start kicking me. I think it's because I'm changing his position after he's gotten comfortable. The most amusing part of it all is that hubby's rubbing my belly, and there by the baby, works better then my rocking in the chair.

I've been busy with what I'm sure the women I worked with over the last year would have declared to be 'nesting' things. I'm not 'nesting' like they and many others have insisted. I've been trying to find ways to create more space in the apartment and more organization. I have moments when I feel a rising sense of panic that our apartment isn't big enough or that we're not going to have a way to keep home orderly and handle the insanity of the new challenges associated with an infant. So, I've been doing things like working on rearranging how things are put away in the kitchen, organizing various things in the apartment, and doing my best to make it as quick and easy to find, put away, and clean everything here. I figure the more I prepare, the better off hubby and I will be when the baby arrives.

I don't think that's the wacky 'nesting' instincts kicking in. I think that's more like I'm trying to cope with my anxiety about being a new mother by trying to be prepared. Here's hoping that I'm not doing it all in some stupid fashion that will come back to haunt me later. :p Aside from doing my best to make home-care as straight forward and easy as possible, I've been working on making baby clothes. I'm debating making some and selling them on the craigslist website.

At the suggestion of some of the ladies that I worked with at the school, I have posted a few items up there to sell. Who knows, maybe some one will actually want to have the small collection of glass vases that I've got kicking around here or perhaps can use the extra large roasting pan that won't fit into my oven. It's a bit of work, but I think that I can manage to possibly even sell some of the baby booties that I can make. They were a huge hit at the school and it only took me about an hour per pair to make.

Yeah, there's already been some baby showers. I'll give the gory details when I'm not quite so distracted by hubby's game. But, here's something of a 'real' post for y'all.

No, I have not fallen off the edge of the earth!

Life has just grabbed a hold of me and refused to let go. I'm sure that you all know exactly what that's like.

I'm not sure what to say right now. The last month of school went well and now the summer break, and my maternity leave, has begun. I'm feeling nervous about financial things, but I think I'm not going to panic. I've been reading Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover book and finding myself reassured that hubby and I are not as bad off as I was worried we were. I was also rather amazed to read that so many people have damned themselves with credit cards.

I've got to admit it, hubby was right when he decided to ban credit cards. I kinda argued with him for a little while, thinking we should have one 'just in case.' As I've read these anecdotes about how other people have used that 'emergency' credit card, I realized that was probably one of the best financial decisions we've made so far. While the budget is going to be tight over the next year, I am forced to say, we're doing alot better then we could be. If we didn't own our car or if we had a massive mortgage that we were barely making payments on before, I think we'd be hosed.

Money concerns have been giving me a little bit of insomnia of late. Mainly, however, my waking up in the dead of the night has been due to alot of heartburn and gas from the baby. I never realized just how much I enjoyed being able to easily roll over and change my position in bed until it has become difficult to do. :p I'm officially into the beginning of my 8th month of pregnancy. I apologize to all of you wonderful folks who want pictures of my big belly and me. Hopefully, those will be up soon, but I'm honestly not sure. Life has made things difficult and stressful for hubby due to work. As a result, the bit of tweaking required to post pictures on the 'net from his digital camera or to print them off has been bogged down by his efforts to 'decompress' from work.

Maybe I can con him into doing that soon, I don't know. I'm waiting to see how much of the stress is going away since that huge, maddening government project they were working on is finished. I'm happy that big headache is resolved and things are getting back to 'normal' over where my darling husband works. Mondays are still bad days, but I don't think they're quite so bad. I'm not sure, though, because some days it seems like he can't win for all of his effort on a Monday. I think today was one of those days, judging by how his phone call with me went a few minutes ago.

I'm thinking and I'm not sure what else to post in here. I don't really have any deep thoughts or major breakthroughs to present at the moment. I've been slowly making progress on crocheting baby clothes, despite the errors in the patterns given in the various books I've been consulting. It's amazing what you can do when you have some one who actually knows how to crochet explaining to you the mistakes the 'professionals' who wrote the book made and how to correct them. Some of these professionals really, really need to learn how to count. I may have a math learning disability, but I know that 15 does not equal 45 when you add 3 to it. It just doesn't work! Who knows, maybe the book editor was asleep when that edition went to press.

If we can figure out enough time to post pictures up here, I'll try to slap up some of the different baby related projects I'm working on. The big baby blanket is 3/4 of the way done. I have finally finished sketching out the designs for the different teddy bears and now I just have to embroider them on. So far, it is coming out very well and it actually looks fairly cute. I've yet to master the arcane art of knitting, but if I'm given a little time, I think I can do it! Then, maybe, I'll knit a few blankets and some clothes too.

The baby is healthy and kicking alot. I guess that's normal for this point in time. We've been told by the sonagram techs at my last ultrasound that we're having a boy. Mom's told me not to believe that because my sister-in-law was told the same thing for all three of her pregnancies, and they have three adoreable little girls. We've picked out some names that we like and now it's just a matter of getting the official word on the gender. I'm thankful that hubby didn't insist on the name Aloysius. I've always hated that name. I think it was because of a character that I despised or a book that I despised reading in high school.

I can't think of anything more now and I really should go clean some. The kitchen looks like it exploded from when dinner was made for my parents over the weekend. It was great to see them and great to get their help fixing up a few problems, but I just don't want to go wash dishes. Oh well, no time like the present to take care of problems, I suppose.

just for my hubby...

I love you.

I don't know what I'd do with out you.

You really are the best thing to ever happen to me.

I miss you when you are away, even if it's for a little while.

I'm still crazy about you, even when we both have a bad day.

I don't mind that you fold the laundry differently then I do. I need to get over my neurosis.

I'm proud of how hard you work to support us. Let's be honest, your paycheck keeps the lights on.

I want you to be happy and to feel loved.

I hope that your boss and you can figure out how to get you some vacation time before the baby is born so that you get to enjoy the last little while before junior makes his arrival. You know, the two of us with out having to employ a baby sitter for the night.

I love you more then I have words, even when I feel like I'm going crazy.

I can't see my life with out you in it. That's how Mom told me I'd know I picked the right one.

Something happier.

I'm enjoying pregnancy. So far it's been a wonderful experience, though the second trimester morning sickness is not that much fun. There's been some ups and downs, but life generally has been good. Oddly enough, the only concerns that I find myself plagued with are revolving around money. Some of this is obviously due to the fiscal changes that will be coming with the baby and some of this is due to the fact that I will be taking a year off from working at the school. Efforts to plan and prepare for the baby have been helping some to get this worry under control.

Some days, I have some really amazing things happen that gives me hope for the world. Yesterday was one of those days. I can't stop smiling and being endlessly proud of these kids that I work with at the school. As some of my friends may know and I may have stated here, I work with students that are mentally disabled and facing other educational challenges. The majority of the students in the classroom where I am are mentally disabled to the extent that they will most likely not be able to live on their own after they are done with school. Generally, they're of a good disposition and cheerfully face their challenges daily.

We go to the local nursing home to visit and entertain the residents. Earlier this week, I had learned that two of the residents were going to be celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary this weekend. I mentioned this too the kids and next thing I knew we were planning a surprise anniversary party. The students who normally argue like cats and dogs worked together diligently to accomplish this happy goal. Each persons contribution came together beautifully and this couple (who have so warmly embraced these kids and are facing their own share of difficulties) were delighted with the end result. Friday afternoon, we walked in the door with four balloons, a cake, and a card. We walked out with smiles, heartfelt gratitude, and a sense of pride in having done something truly wonderful.

And I think that the kids taught the adults around a valuable lesson that day.

No matter who you are or what you do, a little kindness can go a very long way.

I'm so very, very proud of them.

Summarizing angst/fury for the masses

I've taken some time to review the things that have really been bothering me. I read a few web-comics, looked at some stupid internet pictures, and generally tried to de-stress myself. I'm still awful damn angry about several different things. I'll apologize right now for my use of minor vulgarity. Sometimes, I get so angry that I have a hard time restraining it.

I've got three big points that make me angry. One of them I hit on earlier when I ranted about the degree to which people tolerate the general bullshit that's rampant in the nation's educational system. Mind you, this is bullshit that is focused on staff and faculty conduct and how the institution in question looks at it. The other half of my beef with the educational system can be boiled down into a problem that I have with how there appears to be a systematic effort to reduce the educational part of that system to ... well... a pathetic attempt to cope with one's basic need to feed themselves. I know, that sounds horribly bitter and probably a bit too harsh. From where I stand, though, I've got to say it's hard not to view it that way.

Civics education has been reduced to a memorization of a time line and a vague description of what the different parts of the government is. At one point in time, people were taught about things like why the American Revolution took place, why our government functions the way it does today, and how it developed. Good citizenship wasn't merely a question of who went out and saved the most kittens that month, as many schools have reduced it to. It required something of a basic comprehension of what one's rights were and why they were important. It clarified the motto of the country: E Pluribus Unum. Now, we're lucky if people can recall the things protected in the First Amendment.

You've seen my thoughts on mathematics education. The kind of attitude that's present there is infecting all of the other academic disciplines. What kind of education is a child going to get when they are discouraged from reading material because it is complex? It happens frequently in the local school districts and has been for years. Why is there so much effort being focused on trying to make people forget that matters pertaining to philosophy were once taught in high school? I'm not saying that we should teach religion, at public schools at least. But the methods of philosophical inquiry and discourse are highly valuable skills that not only teach some one how to learn about things but how to think critically. Critical thought is actively being confined to convoluted word problems that are to be solved in methods that hardly make any sense.

I think that is probably what sums up my second, and quite possibly my biggest problem with the educational institutions of this nation. We're not teaching students how to think. We're teaching them how to regurgitate answers, be it factual or propaganda. We're teaching them to rely on technology to solve their problems ranging from simple mathematics to grammar and spelling. These people are not going to have the skills they need to possibly start their own businesses. They simply won't be able to comprehend the various demands placed upon them. When the graduation rate of the nearest major metropolitan center is less then half of the student population and they're hoping to possibly get it to a 60% rate within the next five to ten years, there's a very large problem.

I find myself sickend by the entire mess. It depresses me to see that parents have little clue of just how badly their children are getting screwed. It enrages me to see that the failures of the educational system to actually educate people have been such a protracted matter that there are many parents that don't understand what's wrong. Am I crazy, or is it a teacher's job to empower and guide their students in their efforts to learn, grow, and develop intellectually? Last I checked, that was what teaching was about. What I find myself surrounded by is this ... this stinking morass of incompetence and idiocy run by bureaucrats who desire to pad their already expansive posteriors with the gains wrought by the efforts of others, stolen from the funds reserved for the needs of others, and/or swindled out of the pockets of the local/state/national government in some elaborate embezzlement scheme that's never really mentioned. The educational system, like so many other systems in the government of the nation (on all levels) is rife with corruption and serves to alternately depress and infuriate me.

And then you have non-governmental institutions that are equally despicable. It's more then disgusting to learn how corrupt the health care system is. The entire thing is a protection racket and if you're not participating, you're going to get into a lot of trouble because it's being supported by the government. Sure, you can choose to not have health insurance and not take your kid to the doctors, who are more interested in getting a bigger paycheck then your well being. You can make the free-market choice not to participate in that. At the same time, you will face legal ramifications and the potentiality of having your child taken from you by the government (if not your own imprisonment) for being classed as abusive. It doesn't matter if you can't afford to take Junior to the doctor for that bad cold or that you can't afford the bottle of the prescription medicine. You didn't throw yourself on the altar of greed to make it happen at the expense of your ability to feed your child or go into indentured servitude to the credit card companies.

And folks, please, tell me if I'm wrong about those credit card companies? I don't think I'm going to get a whisper of disagreement anywhere in the house. These people encourage you to sell your freedom so that you can get what you need. The popular culture encourages you to sell your freedom to these abusive taskmasters for the sake of keeping up appearances with the neighbors and having all the creature comforts. Creature comforts that you never truly get to enjoy because you're constantly working to pay off the latest credit card bill. And heaven help you if you can't afford to do so or you can't afford to pay off some other debts! You immediately become fodder for the collection agencies.

Credit collections has become a place where sadists can have a verbal playground. I know, I've been the recipient of much harassment and efforts to make me feel ashamed, afraid, and generally miserable about myself because of the 'shame' that I have for being unable to pay the hospital bills from when I was at college (about 8 yrs ago) on time. I've been denied work in a collections agency because I was too nice. I was willing to work with people to find a reasonable solution that would allow them to pay the debt off over a period of time, even if it was $10 a month. Reason and compassion are two words that are stricken from the vocabulary of debt collections and credit collections. It is replaced with harassment and verbal abuse.

What the hell is wrong with the world? I can't manage to pay my bill on time because I live and work in an economically depressed area. I am making a good faith effort and sending what I can. It is not the minimum that covers the principal balance and the usury charged in addition. So I am some how deserving of verbal abuse, humiliation, and general maltreatment? To add insult to injury, this bill is not for some foolish purchase that I couldn't afford at the time but a life saving emergency procedure that I needed but couldn't afford. One that if I didn't get I would have died?

How is it a crime or some how worthy of such misery to do what you must to live? Especially when said action is not one that is prohibited by law? How is it a crime to be poor? I must be poor because I obviously can not afford to pay these obscenely high rates. If I desired to have housing that would meet my long term needs, I would need to seek the assistances of these brigands in the credit industry. These thieves, mind you, who can freely deny my request for aid because it doesn't look like they'll be able to send in their verbal knee-breakers to get the money out of me fast enough to connive another poor soul into this hell.

Oh, I know, I know. There's public assistance and I have availed myself of it in the past. I'm desperately hoping that we will not need to do so in the future. But if you look at the public assistance programs, they're designed to keep as many people in them as possible. Looking at the current status of the economy, we see that the middle class is struggling to make ends meet. The lower-middle class is just barely more then beggars and they are being told to give up and let themselves be beggars. If you're not making enough to pay all of your bills but you're making too much for public assistance, you're left in the position of trying to save every penny and use every scrap of creativity and luck you have to get through to each paycheck. While my dear husband and I are not at the extremes of this point, we are not financially well enough off to proceed forward as we wish we could.

It makes me angry. My anger is unfocused and mingled with a great deal of sorrow. My ancestors did not fight and die here so that I and my child would some day be indentured servants to some faceless machine. We are not here to be tools of the government, as happens for the people who spread the propaganda in the schools as educational materials, or slaves of the companies, who love to pay a subsistent wage that is only such because of excessively high pricing on things we need. We're here to be free persons building our own lives. Our government is supposed to secure our liberties, not take them away or fool us into believing that they're optional. Our employers and the persons whom we purchase goods and services are not supposed to be working together to reduce us to meaningless pawns where by they trade units of a fictional currency.

But our society.. our miserable and pathetically blind society seems to think this is how it is supposed to be.

And it gets worse as you go farther out into the world.

Once, the United States of America was a place of hope and liberty...

Yep, I'm up on my soap box again.

I suppose I'll apologize to the however many close friends that I have just offended with my rant immediately prior to this post. I had to get it off my chest before I exploded. As in, before I literally spontaneously combusted.

I'll be posting another bit of vitriolic spewing after I eat my dinner. I may not have a working computer at the moment, but I have access to my husband's computer and the internet at my command. I've also got several weeks worth of fury, laughter, and deep thought to share with you. I figure get the angry stuff over with now. Then I can do the fun and "awww, how cute!" things next.

Anybody else, you may want to hang on to your seat. I'm a bit of a tornado at times and I think I've just reached F5 status over a few issues.

You tell me what's wrong with this picture...

A college professor may not be fired for failing to meet academic standards. A plagiarist and known to fabricate material, this professor recently entered the national limelight for his 15 minutes of shame due to a 'controversial' essay making some highly questionable comparisons regarding the victims of 9/11* and Adolf Eichmann.

A first grade substitute teacher drags a student down the hallway by their shirt collar after a minor behavior incident. The school attempts to talk the parent out of going to the authorities and pressing charges of assault.

A teacher repeatedly sexually assaults students. They use their power as a teacher to not only intimidate students into silence but also to cover up their damaging actions. The school attempts to tell the community that the first reported incident is the only blight upon the teacher's career, essentially an attempt cover up the teacher's impropriety for the sake of saving face.

I can continue to list more issues, some recent and some going farther back into history. It's not simply stunning. It's not merely disgusting that I can do a quick and simple search to find it reported in the news of teachers and administrators abusing students, reports that result in firings and convictions. It's not simply embarrassing that I can find reports of teachers and administrators failing to uphold the academic and behavioral standards that they expect of students at any level of education. It is not just idle talk when I hear my co-workers and others within the educational system talking casually about how "upstanding" members of the community, ranging from teachers to law enforcement officials to clergy, provided them with alcohol and encouraged them in it's consumption when they were in high school. Who knows how many more people have similar fond memories of their teen years?

Too many people turn a blind eye to these things. Too many people tolerate this and each time something as harmful as abuse of students or underage drinking is mentioned will explain it away as an isolated incident. Maybe it's just how I was raised, but last I checked, these kinds of things were wrong. Let's forget the moral argument for a moment. (I'm not even going to get into this with your moral relativists out there, I'm making it moot. Read on to see where I'm coming from.)

When a person in a position of power fails to uphold the standards and expectations they are required to enforce, it erodes the power. In the case of dealing with children (I'm sorry, teens, you are still children.), it provides a conflicting example and negates the standards and expectations. Thus, if a teacher commits plagiarism and is not punished for it, the students learn that the rule stating that plagiarism is not tolerated is an optional one to follow. If the same teacher commits this and similar offenses repeatedly, is not punished or given a highly lenient punishment, the rule is undermined to the point of being laughable.

When a person in a position of power abuses their power, it serves to psychologically harm the victim and erode the power of the position. Depending upon the form of abuse, the severity, and the amount, it can prove something that negates the self-worth of the victim, provide the ground work for conditioning the victim for further abuse, and/or instill a lasting psychological trauma (such as seen in cases of PTSD). In cases where the person being abused is a minor, the chances of developing these problems is often higher. It is also likely that the person will not report it for fear of punishment or some other negative repercussions from the abuser.

When an institution fails to punish members who engage in acts that are abusive or failures to meet the established code of conduct, it fails in it's duty. The institution has an implied obligation to the persons who seek anything from them to be honest in their dealings, to maintain their established standards of conduct in all areas, and to correct any instances where these areas are not met. This obligation extends beyond the mere duties to educate (in the case of an academic institution) or to provide medical services (as with a hospital).

This is what we are supposed to expect and it is not unreasonable for us to do so.

Schools which fail in their obligations are schools that strive to cover up the impropriety of their faculty and staff; avoid the responsibility of disciplining their faculty and staff for acts that are not concurrent with the established code of conduct; or to intimidate persons into not pursuing redress of their grievances and legitimate claims against the school or it's faculty and staff. This happens on a daily basis all around this country. This is ignored on a daily basis all around this country.

Teachers and staff who abuse students are given a subtle wink of approval when we say that it's just an isolated incident. Academic institutions that refuse to rectify breaches in the social contract that we enter into with them when we are engaging in business with them, we are giving them approval when we pass it off as a tragic but isolated incident. When members of the community who are leaders of it support actions that are detrimental to the health of the youth and are illegal, they are encouraging the very actions they publicly condemn. When the community fails to hold the leaders of the community accountable for their actions, we are supporting them and endorsing their message to the youth.

Now, I have a question for you, dear Reader, why the hell are you tolerating this? Yep, that's right, I just dropped the ball in your court. I recognize that there are going to be some people who feel as I do that this entire mess is beyond inappropriate and is wrong as hell. I recognize that some people are going to be highly offended with me for making the blanket statement that each and every person who reads this is responsible for tolerating and encouraging the social decay of the country. You who are taking a stance against this kind of reprehensible behavior that I've described and pointed out, you know who you are. I'm not here to castigate you, because I'm sure you are as frustrated as I am with it all and probably just as angry.

I'm taking up issue with the persons who hear about these things and don't do a damn thing. They just sigh, turn the page of the newspaper, and get another cup of coffee. I'm taking up issue with the persons who say it's no big deal when there's rampant reports of people who are interacting with the youth of the nation and are abusing them. I'm taking up issue with each and every person who thinks it's not their problem when these kinds of things happen.

It is your problem. It's not just your problem, it's everybody's problem! The longer we tolerate this bullshit, the worse it is going to get. You want to know why kids are bringing guns to school? You want to know why kids are engaging in risky sexual activity at younger and younger ages? You want to have some kind of a clue as to why the hell there is so many problems with the youth of the nation?

It's not the music, the television, the games, or the clothes. It's the culture. It's the fact that we as a nation are not doing a damn thing when all of the wrong lessons are being taught. It's the fact that we as a nation make excuses for the criminal and the hypocritical actions that occur daily. We are neglecting our children. We are neglecting them as surely as if we were to leave a 3 week old infant for a month in the care of a heroin addicted pedophile who has not a single dime for food, not a single care for the health of the child, and is a habitual arsonist on the side. Chances are awful damn slim that the kid is going to live through the experience, never mind come out of it healthy.

Take your kids out and show them the world. Teach them right from wrong. Lastly, for the love of your child, fight like hell when the world is telling them the wrong thing is right and they should agree to be used, abused, and hurt. Empower your children to do the right thing, because they're the ones that will be taking care of you someday.

No, I have not fallen off the edge of the earth! I promise!

I just don't have internet access unless I steal my husband's computer.

And, since he's a wee bit addicted to it... :)

Well.. you know the score. :)

We're working on a web-page that will tell our friends and family all about what we're up to. He's got some great ideas. Hopefully it will be up soon. :) Currently, I've a *ton* of e-mail to catch up on before he comes and boots me off of the computer. :)

Yay! I'm on Easter Break! :p

So, the Easter Break has officially started as of today. You may be able to tell from the title line of this entry, I'm not entirely thrilled.

I don't mind a day off from work, generally. It is as enjoyable to me as the next gal, but I'm at something of a loss for what to do with a whole week off from work. I'm dreading it, some what, because I have a feeling it will foreshadow the summer for me.

One thing I can say, at least in the summer we won't be getting the weather we are going to next week. "Ugh" is the best description for this up coming week's weather: cold, snowy, and windy. You know the weather that New York state gets at the end of January and the beginning of February? Well, guess what's deciding to make a guest apperance during the month of April... yep, that crap. I'm not happy.

At least I didn't pack up all of my cold weather gear. I do have a slight problem, however, with my cold weather clothes. They're starting to get a bit tight on me with my growing belly. The pregnancy is progressing along fine and the baby is showing plenty of attitude. The ultrasound technicians and I were laughing this morning as the baby kept playing peek-a-boo with them. The baby would line up right for a picture and then move so that the picture wouldn't come out right. This didn't happen just once or twice, but for the whole time. So, the ultrasound that would usually take 15 or 20 minutes took closer to 30 - 40 minutes.

Work has been ... well... work. I can understand why people call it a 4 letter word. I can understand that concept very well, and I actually like my job. Days where I have to deal with 17 year olds throwing temper-tantrums, moronic 16 year olds going on 35 with over inflated egos, and having the general entitlement complex of today's teenagers shoved down my throat, I count them as bad days. I know, you're probably thinking that's everyday in a highschool. It may be that way at most schools, but at the one where I work, the kids aren't usually quite this bad.

Sure, they wear their complexes on their sleeves and are a functional minefield of hormone induced insanity, but you don't have to deal with teenage boys attempting to sexually harass you because your pregnant most days. You don't have to deal with the developmentaly disabled children going into a screaming and crying fit of hysterics because they didn't get to go home from school early (including the intentional soiling of themselves). And you don't generally have to deal with angry teenagers insisting that there's something wrong with the fact that they can't ask any adult in the building for X amount of money and recieve it upon demand. Not only are they insisting that there's something wrong with this fact, but that the social failure is on the part of all adults for their poor performance in academics and the general lack of personal responsibility in themselves as well.

Somedays, I really have a hard time restraining the urge to smack these kids in the backs of their heads and demanding that they grow up. Last I checked, 16 - 18 required a higher level of responsiblity and critical thought then the ages of 3 - 5. Where the hell do these kids get off insisting that they're faultless because they were spoiled by their parents, thus they have no reason to be held accountable for their actions? Now, I can understand the developmentally disabled kids having difficulty. Some of the kids I work with funciton at the level of a 3 - 5 year old child, so I can't hold them to the standards that I hold some one in their late teen years. But this whole attitude of "It's not *my* fault, I'm spoiled." is insane.

I have the perfect response for these kids when they give me this attitude:

That's fine. If you can't handle the responsiblity of your age, then I presume your parents are deciding when you get to move out on your own and learn to drive. Will that be happening when you're 35 or 40?

The thing that's really horrible about this entire sentiment is this:

I have an uncle and an aunt both in their late 40s to early 50s, they have the "It's not *my* fault, I'm spoiled." attitude. They've moved into the home of my late 70s - early 80s grandparents (their parents) with the expectation that they will be taken care of by their parents.

Rather disgusting, isn't it? ....

I really can't think of anything plesant to end this with. I'm half tempted to continue ranting about the social decay of the country and directing a bit of fury towards my manipulative and self-centered relatives.

....

I'm also considering going up stairs to tear the guy in the apartment above a new one for playing his music so loud that it's making the porceline butterflies in the display case by my computer rattle and stomping like he's trying to come through the floor. Perhaps I should just go make myself a cup of tea and do something .. mindless and plesant for a while.

Ranting about Mathematics

Ok, I'm not usually one to rant about things for no apparent reason. My bit of a rant about mathematics isn't with out much reason either, though it may seem a bit random in the light of my usual commentary on life. Sometimes I sit on a rant for a while because I feel that I really shouldn't blurt about it. I find that I feel that it is a bit trivial and foolish to rant about some things, so I don't post them here for the whole world to view.

This matter, however, is not one of those things. I have held my tounge on this matter because I couldn't fully formulate my thoughts on it until recently. My ranting about mathematics is not on the subject at large. It is actually focused on one particular point.

The school district I work at is filled with several wonderful souls who bravely endevor to help young minds learn how to do the basic skills they will need to be successful in life. Among these skills is multiplication. As a person who has a mild learning disiblity with mathematics, I found learning multiplication to be hellish. It was easier to learn fractions and algerbra then to learn basic multiplication for me. Even now, I can barely perform simple multiplication in my head for any value greater then three times five. (Which is 15, by the way.)

When I learned that there was a "new" method for teaching multiplication that was being applied in the school district, I was excited. Perhaps this method would finally help me learn how to multiply from 1 times 1 to 12 times 12 with out having to resort to 'cheating' with a calculator. Then I found myself introduced to the most assinine concept I have ever encountered in teaching mathematics. I understood why children were having a nightmarish time learning these concepts, children who have no learning disabilities at all.

First, you have memorization. For most people, memorizing things isn't too much of a problem. It helps greatly to have some kind of a pattern when you are memorizing a vast amount of material. The old method of memorizing multiplication facts by the 1x1=1, 1x2=2, etc. method has proven success because it organizes the facts into a fairly intuitive and simple pattern. Unless you're some one like myself, who has problems with memorization as part of the learning disability, you can pick it up fairly quickly. Unfortunately, there is a requirement now by the state of NY to have this method put aside. What has replaced it is this bizzare color coding of a 12x12 multiplication chart at random with bingo markers. You memorize the color groups of multiplication facts that are unrelated except for the arbitrary color they have been given.

This doesn't help you memorize. It actually makes it harder. Still, if you're one smart cookie, or incredibly lucky, the memorization thing won't be a problem for you.

Instead, you have a different problem to worry about. That is the method of multiplication that is being taught. Now, when I was taught multiplication in elementary school, I was taught that a multiplication problem is the "fast" version of addition. One factor in the multiplication problem represented the number you were adding. The other factor represented how many times you were adding that initial number to itself. This fairly simple explination gave students a visual way to see how the numbers related to each other and a simple way to check our work.

Now, the lattice method is the preferred mode of teaching multiplication. If you look at the explination of the lattice method given here, you find that it is not simple at all. It's actually very confusing and difficult to follow if you don't have the basic understanding of how the factors in a multiplication problem relate to each other. Throw in even the slightest trace of a learning disiblity and you're functionally left with hardly any hope of ever understanding how to multiply. Even students who don't have the problems understanding numbers have a very tormented time learning this method.

The form of division being taught is a bizzare cousin to the lattice method. It makes the problesm hellish to work on. As I was working with students after school one day, I had some of them ask me to help them understand their work. Considering that I was helping a student a few grades higher learn how to do algerbra, I didn't think it would be too much of a problem. Then i got to see this lattice method for multiplication and it's bastard cousin for division.

I struggled to help these kids understand it. When I couldn't even make sense of it I took a different approach. I presented the multiplication as I had been taught. The kids lit up with joy as they realized that multiplication wasn't half as scary or complicated as it seemed with the lattice method. I presented division as I had been taught and these kids mastered it in minutes. Then I had a math teacher look over and see how I was presenting the material to the kids.

Then, I got in trouble.

Apparently, NY doesn't want math taught in a fashion that actually allows the student to master it. It made me so angry I could spit nails. As I looked into it and I learned more about how mathematics is taught in the schools right now, the angrier I became. Up until recently, geometry was removed from the curriculum. Algerbra was something that was taught in a cursory fashion before throwing the kids into trigonometry a few weeks later. There are math teachers who are celebrating the fact that algerbra and geometry are coming back into fashion. There are also science, shop and other teachers of subjects that have some relation to these topics who are happy with this restoration of common sense by the higher ups of the state education department.

These are not some skill that you will never apply in your daily life. You use algerbra to figure out how much of a product you need to buy at the store when you have a fixed amount of money. You use geometry to spatially relate how the items you are putting away from the grocery store is going to fit on your shelves. You use all of these things and basic mathematics skills everyday. But, apparently, NY feels that it's not necessary to focus on these skills for mastery.

You may know enough to spit it out on a test, but that's it.

Life is not about the damn test! As educators, we're responsible for giving the students who are under our direction the tools that will enable them to proceed successfully through life. We're responsible for teaching them how to think critically, make logical decisions, and to function with the basic skill set required for success - reading, writing, and arithmatic.

Teach to mastery. If a student can't do something well enough to pass a test with the state mandated grade, if a student can do something that well, it doesn't matter. Can the student use the concepts taught to them in a manner that will get the correct result? Can the student explain why the concepts work in some basic fashion? Can they present that knowledge to another in a fashion that they can understand it?

If the student can accomplish those three things, they have mastered the subject. They may not get the state mandated grade for success, but as a student (and you as a teacher) have succeeded.

That is what matters.

Lá Fhéile Pádraig Sona Duit

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

I figured I'd just note that for those of you whom are celebrating today. For those of us here in the backwoods, it's just another quiet day. I've actually made some progress on getting the laundry put away and cleaning up from the approximate month I've been spending recooperating from the surgery for appendicitus.

Aside from doing housework, I've been looking up lullabies. I realize that my voice is out of practice, but I don't think the baby (or my husband) will mind if I am singing them now. I've a few that I've a bit of a soft spot in my heart for. It's kind of amusing, because they weren't sung to me as a child. Here's one that I am quite fond of:

Loreena McKennitt's Moon Cradle

When the moon-cradle's rocking and rocking
Where a cloud and a cloud go by
Silently rocking and rocking
The moon-cradle out in the sky.

Then comes the lad with the hazel
And the folding star's in the rack
'Night's a good herd' to the cattle,
He sings, 'She brings all things back.'

But the bond woman down by the boorie
Sings with a heart grown wild
How a hundred rivers are flowing
Between herself and her child.

'The geese, even they trudge homeward
That have their wings and the waste,
Let your thoughts be on Night the Herder,
And be quiet for a space.'

The moon-cradle's rocking and rocking,
Where a cloud and a cloud go by,
Silent rocking and rocking
The moon-cradle out in the sky.

The snipe they are crying and crying
Liadine, liadine, liadine
Where no track's on the bog they are flying:
A lonely dream will be mine!

More Quotes of some value

Optimisim is a self-fulfilling prophecy. -Janette Walls

The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished. - Ben Franklin

Work for something because it is good, not just because it stands a chance of success. - V. Havel

When tearful parents come up to me to talk about their child's 'learning disorder,' I ask them, 'Oh, you mean his learning opportunity?' - Paul Orfalea

We're made from star dust. - my Mother

Nothing in life that's worth doing is easy. - my Husband

Quotes of some value

I've collected the following quotes over the years. I think they are truly gems of wisdom that everyone would find helpful at some point in time.

Ignis arum probat, miseria fortes viros.
Fire tests gold, misfortune brave men. - Anon.

Tum denique homines nostre intelligimus bona, quom quae sotestate hasuimus, ea a misimus.
We mortals realize the value of blessings only when we have lost them. - Plautus

Semper fluris feci ego potioremque habui libertatem quam pecuniam.
I have always valued my freedom more then money, and preferred it. - attributed to Cicero

Oderant di homines iniuros.
The gods hate unjust men. - Anon.

Ea liberias est que pectus purum et eirmum, estitati aliae res obnoxiosue nacte in obscura latent.
Freedom is bearing a pure and dauntless heart; all else is slavery and lies hidden in darkness.
- attributed to Marcus Aurelius

Summum inis, summa imuria.
More laws, less justice. - Anon.

One is not a buddha mearly because one speaks much. The one secure, with out enmity, with out fear is called buddha. - Attributed to Siddartha Gotema, the Buddha.

May you be poor in misfortunes and rich in blessings. - Irish proverb

Changes to Blogger.

Yeah, I know, I'm a member of this blogging community. It may look bad for me to criticize it, but oh well. I'm rather opinionated. If they haven't noticed it before now... that's their problem.

I don't like the fact that I've been forced to use the new modle of Blogger. Yes, you read that right- forced to use it. Over the last several months, it has become progressively more difficult for me to use Blogger in the old mode. If I did not make the change, I would have been unable to access my account at all.

I understand that they had to make some changes. I'm certian that there are reasons that are specifically due to the requirements of supporting so many blogs. Some of this may be due to the fact that they desire to keep the service free and some of this may be fore other practical reasons, such as software support and server space.

I just don't like it when they present this illusory option of changing to the new format or continuing to use the old one. It's not an option. You need to do so or you have major difficulty accessing your account and run the risk of not being able to do so after a certian point in time when the majority of the users have completed the transition.

Next time a major change like this is done, Blogger staff, please, just say that you're making a major upgrade and there will be a transition period for users to get familiar with the changes. Don't say we have a choice to use the upgrade or not, when we really don't. Ok? I like your service, I enjoy using Blogger to post my thoughts upon the web. I've had no complaints until now. I hope that I will have no future complaints.

A response to global warming fevor.

This whole extended flap over global warming is rather... unimpressive and not very well founded. I'm not saying that we're not harming the environment with our production of 'greenhouse gases' but I have to ask, has anyone done a comparison study as to the amount of 'greenhouse gas' emissions from the human populations vehicles and technology versus the natural sources of these gases?

Cow flatulance aside (very old joke btwn hubby and I), there's many sources of 'greenhouse gases' that have been in production for a very long time. It ranges from the vast amounts of carbon dioxide produced by all life on this planet that has a respitory system simmilar to ours (a very high percentage on that one) to the break down of volitile chemicles found in various different naturally occuring substances due to geophysical forces (released pockets of methane due to landslides, anyone?) to the dramatic explusion of very toxic gases from volcanic activity. it's rather foolish to say that these items don't factor into it all. Especially considering the fact that ice ages and periods of global warming happened before humanity even discovered fire.

Several studies of ice core samples and the geologic record (rocks from different epoches of history) indicate that the process of global warming and cooling events is part of a very long cycle. As there has been continued study into these things, there are some theories that are not well known (compared to the demon of global warming) which postulate that this cycle is an entirely normal phenomenon for the planet.

Some studies propose a connection with the change of the polarity of the earth's magnetic field, arguing that major and minor shifts of global climate are intimately tied to these 'flips' of the magnetic poles. There's been some circumstantial evidence indicating that the 'little ice age' that happened in Europe during the feudal period was timed with one such 'flip' of the poles. Other studies postulate that there is a connection with the solar cycle, suggesting that there is a much larger cycle then the commonly known 11 yr cycle of solar activity from maximum to minimum.

I'm not saying that ecological responsiblity isn't a good thing. conserving resources and working to develop techologies that result in the least amount of scorched earth is a smart thing. It makes us less likely to poision ourselves. But we should not be running around like chicken little over things like there is an el nino this year and insisting that it's because we're driving cars and burning fossil fules. We don't know why it is happening and people need to get their collective heads out of the sand. You won't understand it if you're going to seize on the first idea and develop a massive guilt complex.

This lemming-like mentality that seizes people makes me sick. Some days i really do hate humanity. After all, if we're told enough times that it's our fault that the hurricane happens, we'll believe it and meekly allow ourselves to be punished for something we had no control over, right? And we *must* deserve it, after all, because we're those filthy and disgusting homosapiens. Damn us and our opposible thumbs, damn our upright walking and our capacity for abstract thought. We should have remained apes and never even accomplished the wonders we have, because they are inhierently bad and evil due to the fact they are accomplished by humans. We didn't give the marmoset the chance to build the great gothic cathedrals... damn us all.

[Reposted from a message board I'm apart of.]

So, this is what it's like to be pregnant...

I kinda expected the cravings. I didn't figure it'd be for fruits, vegtables, and chicken though. I didn't expect the food aversions, but it's not as bad as it could be. I suppose it would have been alot worse if it was to pasta - one of my absolute most favorite foods!

It's been a bit complicated because of that whole appendicitus thing back in January. Now, I'm not sure if the muscle discomfort I feel in my abdomen is because I'm still healing up from that mess or my body adjusting to my growing uterus. I think, however, that I have started to feel the baby move inside me. I am not sure if the quick moments of queasiness that are gone in a few seconds are because of that or the suspected lactose intolerance. I thought it was going to be a little while before my hips started to bug me when I was walking around. I guess I was wrong.

Oddly enough, while many women panic about if they're too fat or looking fat when they're pregnant, I haven't had that concern at all. I think I can honestly say that I haven't ever felt better about my apperance then I do now. I'm not sure what's changed about it all, but suddenly I don't feel horrible looking in the mirror. I'm going to keep that whole thing fixed in my mind for when the pregancy thing is done. It is my hope that I will keep this healthy and happy/accepting outlook after I have the baby and the belly goes away.

The only thing that is a concern for me right now is finding a decent doctor. The doctor that I have been seeing... well, she's ok. Or at least, ok until I got pregnant. Last I checked, women who are pregnant are supposed to ask questions and find out about what they can do to take care of their health, if anything for the sake of the baby's well being. So what do I have to deal with, OB/GYN practitioners (as I've seen the others in this office) that get snippy with me for asking questions. I'm not going so far as questioning what their GPA at med. school was or anything else like that. I'm asking about what foods I can and can't have; what over the counter medicines are and are not safe; what kind of exercizing I can do; and many other related things.

You know, the usual concerns of pregnant women. The response I have gotten is one woman walking out of the office after I asked 3 questions and another complaining "I feel like I'm being interviewed." right to my face. Maeby I'm an unusual patient, because I want to take an active part in my care and do everything I can to ensure my and my baby's well being. I highly doubt it. Last I checked, alot of women feel the same way I do and haven't gotten attitude from their OB/GYNs for expecting them to work with them. I also don't think there's anything wrong with being indignant. I'm paying these people good money, earned by the sweat and blood of myself and my husband, for them to help me maintain my health, not look down their noses at me and treat me like just another ignorant hick.

I may be a country kid, but that doesn't make me dumb. I really hate it when people treat me like that. And this OB/GYN practice has been seeing me since when I lived out on the farm, so they know I'm from the country. They should also remember that I have an ivy league degree... but I guess they think I got that out of a Cracker Jack box. ... Ok, I'm not going to make more derisive and bitter comments.

To say the least, I got a recommendation from my general practitioner (a real nice guy who happens to be quite reasonable and smart) for another OB/GYN. Here's hoping that I can get into there and not have to deal with the rest of this horse crap.

A few thoughts for today...

Last night, I learned something that only sank in this morning. It has me deeply disturbed and I honestly don't know what to do about it. So, I decided to do the only thing that made sense to me, write down my thoughts in the hapless (and hopeless) attempt to process what has me so troubled.

My youngest brother, the one who was in the US Marine Corps until last year, is going back into war. He joined the Army Reserve with the goal of getting money to go to college and to remain stateside long enough to get a degree before being rotated to Europe or somewhere else relatively safe. I remember my mother and his wife begging him not to join the Army Reserve. My brother felt that it was the only thing he could do since he finished his tour with the Marines. He felt that civillian life was ... not beneath him, but not suited for him.

Now, I learn that I still need to worry about my 'little' brother coming home in a body bag. God help his wife. She's got two daughters (ages 3 and 4) who are just now coming to know their father. Their baby boy is going to be born this summer. And now, she'll have to raise their children alone again, quite possibly alone for the rest of her life.

It makes me want to cry. I want to sit here and weep bitterly. I thanked every god that possibly could have had some kind of hand in bringing my brother home safely when he finished his time in the Marines. He had a hell of a time in there. Because my brother is basically a decent man (despite his bravado and his efforts to be a complete ass to everyone around him) he was passed up for advancement in rank, harassed by his superior officers, and generally didn't recieve recognition for his efforts. I realize, to many people, this sounds like the whining of some one who is ticked off that they didn't get that promotion they were hoping for that quite possibly happened for legitimate reasons.

If you assume that, then you assume that my brother is a liar. And, quite frankly, my brother may be a complete jerk at times, but one thing he most definately is not is a liar. When confronted with his drinking problem, he owned it. When confronted about other problems he had in the past and in the present, he owns them. Sometimes, he doesn't see the problems as problems and is quite proud of them. Other times, he will bluster with bravado that he's fine and the confess in some intimate setting to one of the few souls he trusts the fear and consternation he feels over the issue in question. Either way, my brother does not lie.

If you think such things of a man before you even know him, you should look into your own heart. You should look into your own heart and ask a very direct question: why do I assume that this person is a liar? I'll also add one other thing, quite frankly, people who assume all others are liars are often liars themselves. I'll leave that point aside, as I don't want to digress into what could turn into a tirade of potential personal attacks upon you, my Reader.

...

I ... I am at a loss for words right now. Grief that is far too deep to measure sits in my heart right now. Horror that can not be contained in words vies with such rage that I still can not voice it. Some may wonder why I feel rage at what was, after all, my brother's decision to return to the military. My rage is not directed at my brother. My rage is directed at the blindness of our leadership in this nation. My rage is directed at the leadership of our nation's military. My rage is directed at the complacent attitudes of my fellow citizens.

This war is a meat grinder. We are sending 18 year old boys into it and expecting them to lay their lives down for the propigation of a lie. What is this lie? The lie is that they are defending the United States and it's Constitution in this military action. If they are defending our homeland, show me the enemy who is waiting at the gates? Prove to me the validity of this war and why I should be willing to sacrifice my brother, my friends, my neighbors, and my students to it's cause. Prove to me why, if there is a draft, I should be willing to sacrifice my husband, the father of my child and provider of my household? Why should I be willing to sacrifice these people?

Because the President says so? Because "reliable intelligence" indicates that some nebulous enemy halfway around the world is collaborating with a nation that we have tense relations with to do bad things to our country, though we don't know what those bad things are? Because it's the beginning of an Election cycle and we need to show our strength and unity to the world in this war effort?

Please, give me a real reason. I can come up with several miles worth of reaons that are like the ones I listed above. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden have been inflated to the point of being great boogeymen used by the propaganda machine to terrorize us when when begin to rouse from the stupor induced by the media. Name the last time you had to worry about some one blowing up the bus your children rode to school. Name the last time you had to question if the municipal water supply was safe enough to drink or if your groceries had been coated with some biochemical weapon prior to arrival at the store or distributor. Describe to me your fear that these great monsters is going to come and ruin your life or those of your neighbors.

September 11, 2001 and the events that unfolded that day was not another Pearl Harbor. The sooner this nation wakes up and realizes it, the better. So many people are doing their damndest to turn it into one. And we wonder why that fell flat. People recognize we weren't attacked by another nation. So, we can't rally behind the tragic events of that day and up hold them as the reason why we are at war. Instead, this war relies on the apathy and miniscule attention span of a great nation that has been reducecd to an ignorant, self-centered and apathetic population controlled by war-mongering imperialistic facists. Yet the pundits, talking heads of the media, town fathers, and common man all wonder what the hell is wrong with this nation?

We're being controlled by fear. The same fear that makes you turn off the evening news because you don't want to see the slight glimpse of bodies and wonder if it's your brother/son/uncle/father/lover/friend/neighbor lying in the street, that same damn fear is exploited everyday. And *you* think that there's nothing wrong with it! Subtle suggestions that al-Qaeda is waiting to jump upon our nation, ravage her, and leave her for dead is hinted at all around us. Everything from the terror alert system to the increased "security measures" in our airports spreads that subtle suggestion that we need the government to protect us from the boogeyman.

We surrender our rights to this government as a result of this subtle, pervasive fear. And if you think that is a good thing, you have succumbed to the brainwashing that has been operating in this nation for the past twenty to thirty years. How many of your rights can you even name? Do you even know why things like the right to own and bear arms is written into the foundational documents of our nation? Do you know what the Declaration of Independence is and why it is one of the most dangerous documents in history? I can tell you that the vast majority of the children graduating from highschool can't confidently answer those questions. I can state with a very high degree of confidence that a very large percentage of our population can't answer these questions either.

Why? Because we have been taught that these things are a part of the past, and it's not that important. Today and the things that we are dealing with today is important. The fear that I mentioned earlier, it's not just affecting adults. I've had 15 year old boys telling me that al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden are the biggest threat to the United States today and that they are afraid of what they can do to us. I have had children who weren't even alive when the events of Sept. 11th 2001 unfolded express to me their fear that al-Qaeda was going to come kill their parents and themselves. Television shows like Jericho and 24 are fiction, but people fear that these events will happen. People see these things and become afraid.

As a result of their fear, they flail around for some way to assuage it and reduce it to manageable proportions. Some go into denial (actually very many do this) and steep their consciousness in the sensationalized detrius of reality television, shows like Desperate Housewives, or something equal part banality and offensiveness. Some surrender everything they can for the greater good, hoping that their efforts and sacrifice will be rewarded with protection and safety. This surrender is not a bad thing, if done in moderation. But, when you are ignorant about why you have your rights and just what the hell they mean, you can be taken advantage of.

The government, friends, is always seeking more power. It is a self-perpetuating monster. It feeds upon gaining power and keeping it. The closer we move to a totalitarian state (and we are, don't be fooled!) the more power the federal government has and the longer it can perpetuate itself. It does not serve the interests of the citizen. It serves it's own interest of self perpetuation. This may sound like the words of a jaded cynic, some one that could be declared as 'hating America'. They're not. They are the words of a student of history and a person who has a keen understanding of just what the hell government's proper function is supposed to be.

Now, you may be wondering what all of this ranting about the government, al-Qaeda, and how the nation's populace at large has lost their collective spine and independent thought processes is related to my brother's going back into war. It's simple. It is so simple that it is painful.

This war is founded upon a lie. That lie is that al-Qaeda is a threat to the United States and the Consitution, as are all nations theoretically aligned with it. Al-Qaeda is a pack of morons who want to blow up the United States, yes. But they are a fairly small pack of morons who have the power of a schoolyard bully. We have no evidence of nations aligned with al-Qaeda with the exception of Afghanistan (an assertation which I have questioned from the beginning). We are sending young men and women into be brutalized by the horrors of a war comprible to the battle of Iwo Jima on a national scale.

When these warriors return home, their sacrifices are ignored. Their long standing pain and horror from being in combat and having their clothes soaked in the blood and brains of their dearest friends is ignored. So, they feel that they have no place in civilian life and return to the meat grinder of an unjust and illegal war. If they dare to oppose this war, they recieve punishment, not support. They are scorned. It is right and just for each and every member of the United States armed forces to stand up and oppose this war. Each person from the newest recruit to the top brass has a duty to do so. But the machine of the government that is present today works actively through intimidation, lies, and simmilar forms of bastardry to force the military into a state of subjugation. And it is working on doing the exact same thing to the rest of the nation.

So, I sit here, questioning if I should be drafting up what I will say at my brother's funeral. Grieving for a man who is not yet dead because he has been given a death sentance of a game of Russian Roulette on the largest scale. And I know, in my deepest of hearts, that I will be named a traitor by so many people for saying that this is wrong. I, the descendant of Revolutionary war heros, will be named an ideological traitor and an apologist for "the Enemy" for standing up against the rising tyranny in my homeland.

The immigrants in my family came here from Germany shortly before World War II to escape this. My Great-great grandfather came here to build a new life in liberty. His descendants were to live in freedom.

Where is that freedom now?

killing braincells on the internet with drugs...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

One of the reasons why I haven't been posting ...

Part of the problem is that I find I am quite tired at the end of the day. Several times over the last several weeks, I have been getting home from work at 3 pm and taking a nap until it's time to go get my darling husband from work. Then (if I'm not too tired) I'll make dinner and go to bed. While my sisters-in-law have told me that the first trimester of pregnancy is exhausting, I wasn't really feeling it until recently. Sure, I took some naps during last month, but not as many as I have been this month.

My sense of time is rather thrown off. Apart of me says that it is still January, while the calendar says that it is February. This confusion is not a result of the recent exhaustion. I wish it was. Last Tuesday, I think that was the 29th but it may have been the 28th of January, awoke at 2:30 am with a feeling like gas pains. This is a fairly familiar feeling to me by now because instead of having the fun of morning sickness, it has been gas. I tried to use all of the tricks I knew to make this worsening gas pain go away. Now, some folks may think that gas pains aren't that bad. I assure you, when I get gas pain, I fully empathise with the flatulent infants who wail at the tops of their lungs. I've had them so bad that I nearly vomited because of pain.

So, when I say that my gas pains are getting bad they're starting to approach the nauseating level of pain. Then the feeling of pain moved some. I assumed, as I experienced yet another burst of pressure release for the gas, that it was possibly constipation. By this time, it was almost 4 am. I was exhausted and in pain, to say the least the thing I wanted the most was to go to bed. That was to be wishful thinking as the pain got worse. At about 6:30, I acknowledged defeat to sleeplessness and called out of work. I also called my parents for some helpful home remedies for my stomach discomfort.

I never realized just how horribly disgusting baking soda was until I drank a teaspoon of it in a glass of water. While I know this works quite well for gas and helped to settle my upset stomach, it tasted revolting. It didn't help with the pain either. At 7:30 am, my husband woke up for work and found me doubled over on a chair in the kitchen. I didn't get the option of arguing with him when he decided that I needed to go to the doctor. I had digressed from grunting with discomfort at 2:30 am to almost constant mewling and sobbing with pain at the time we were at the doctor's office. I think we were there for 15 minutes before the doctor sent us up to the hospital emergency room.

The doctor said that there were three possible reasons why I was in such pain. My gall bladder, my appendix, or an ecoptic pregnancy. I went from not only being in white hot blinding pain but to terrified white hot blinding pain. To say the least, I was not an easy person to deal with. I refused, however, to be crying and screaming with pain in public. I reserved such emotional breakdowns for when I was alone with my husband. I'm amazed that I managed such a stoic demeanor, to be honest. I guess I truly am more stubborn then an old mule. As I was in the ER, the nurses got a little nervous because of my lack of crying out. It was obvious that I was incredible pain. I was gripping my husband's hand white knuckled, very taicturn in my responses to questions, and I had tears streaming down at times while I ground my teeth.

Some where in the midst of having 4 doctors and I think just as many interns interview and poke me, one of the presiding doctors proved the soul of mercy. I was given a dose of morphine and the pain which was making me see stars eased. I slept for a little while, though I don't remember how long. A brief time (or perhaps a moderately long time) I was transported to the Radiology department for an ultrasound. This produced one of the few good parts of this entire experience. The baby was shown to be in the correct position. My husband was with me, having a difficult time distinguishing what part of the fuzzy picture was our baby and being facinated with the computer. I was delighted to see the baby. Perhaps I had an easier time seeing the baby because I am more familiar with the pictures that I have seen of my womb and ovaries when I'm not pregnant. Being a woman who has a problem with poly-cystic ovaries, I'm quite familiar with the process of an ultrasound. I've come to find them more enjoyible then the general gynecologial exam. You don't get poked so much.

Anyways, his attention was caught when the image on the monitor moved. We were both delighted to watch as the baby moved. As they took more still pictures, hubby's interest was drawn back to the shiny object infront of him. It's cute how much of a gadget man he is. Then, they stunned him. They played the sound of the baby's heart beat. I don't know if words can describe the joy and wonder that was on his face once he understood what the sound was. I may have been heavily medicated, but I was still thrilled and the parts I remember, I remember clearly. I know somewhere around here, we have pictures. Perhaps I'll learn how to scan them and I'll post one up here for everyone to see.

Once the fact that the pregnancy was in the correct position and the baby was ok had been confirmed, I was sent off to more testing. I don't clearly remember that part. I know that I was stuck with needles and had blood tests. I've got some marks on my arms from that. I can't recall what else. Morphine does that to you. It was a blessing to actually sleep after being up so long and to feel less pain. Even though I was getting poked and prodded, I didn't mind quite so much. So, after an army of tests, I was pronounced as having appendicitis. Briefly, the possiblity was tossed around that I may have a kidney stone, but it was rejected quickly when the doctors learned that I have no history of kidney disease, kidney stones, or other urinary tract problems aside from the occasional bladder infection.

...

It's sad, but I'm now confused as to where I am in my 'saga' of suffering. They've got me on some intense pain medication right now. It makes it easy for me to get confused and a bit drowsy. I don't like being on pain medicines (or most other kind of medicines) but the other option is not acceptible right now. I'll post more in a few minutes. Right now, I need to stop and do something different so I can refocus. :P Obviously, I'm not going to be at work for a few days or driving the car. It's not the best thing for me to do when my attention span is shortened and I'm easily confused. :p

Nothing big or interesting to post yet...

Been sick with a savage head-cold that turned into a sinus infection. :p Sick in bed for roughly a week now, to be precise.

I'll update with something worth reading in the near future. Until then, have fun getting ready for the incoming storm this weekend.