Yule Project List

This is a list to remind myself what I am currently working on. I may even note progress in here with addendums. That said, here is The List:

• Sweater for Cuddle Bear X
  
• Bigger Blankie for Snuggle Bug X (given early)
  
• Bigger Blanket for Beloved (replaced w/ another item, store bought)
  
• Crochet Klein Bottle Hat for Beloved's brother
• Audrey II for Energizer Girl
• Crochet fingerless gloves for Rocker Chick (X), Trouble 1 & 2, the Mischief Duo, and Mercy Girl
  
• Loom Knit hats for Monster Girl, Cuddle Bear's best friend T and T's little brother
• Beaded stitch markers for OnComingStorm
• Crochet hook case & sweater pattern for StormWatcher
• Crochet hook case for JBirdie
• Sock weight yarn for J X
• Amigurumi rabbit for Trouble 1 X
  
• Amigurumi dog for Trouble 2
• Amigurumi monster for Snuggle Bug
  

Of all this, I've the yarn finished, the sweater half done, and the increase in Snuggle Bug's blankie started.

I think I'm going to be busy.

Wall St. vs Main St. part 1

Just about everybody is giving their opinions on the Occupy Wall Street protest, it's daughter protests, and the counter protests. Some of the opinions are entertaining, some are thought provoking, and others are, to be honest, moronic. There are people screaming about class warfare. There is misbehavior by the NYC police and gallantry by members of the armed forces. It is a messy, leaderless group of people who have reached the crucial point of frustration and anger where they have moved beyond simply venting to taking action.

I say messy because there is no one strand unifying and thereby clarifying just what they're looking for. Oh, yes, there are some 'demands' floating around on the interwebz. There was the seed concept, which was to call upon the leaders in the political arena to separate themselves from the financial industry and similar corporate influencers of lawmakers. It has, however, grown beyond that seed concept into a free form movement.

Something that I have to say is that people are confusing the symptoms with the problem. Corruption in the government has a specific set of symptoms, in my opinion.

[I'll add more after my husband gets home from work, because the kids are up to mischief.]

NaNoWriMo?

I'm trying to decide if I have the mental cohesion to attempt NaNoWriMo this year. It is something that I'd like to participate in again but I don't know if I should. Part of the challenge before me is finding the time to write. Part of the challenge is what to write. And the third part of the challenge is determining if I have enough time to do so in the face of working on Yule gifts. November is not only a big month for me writing wise with NaNoWriMo, it is a big month for me to finish up gifts for people.

I don't want to push myself too hard. I'm realizing that with my psychological challenges, I could be setting myself up for some real problems. Over exerting myself tends to set off my depressive episodes. I don't want to deal with that on top of everything else. We literally just got out from under some rather challenging constraints. I don't want to tempt fate and engender more. That is the absolute last thing I want to do right now.

I may do NaBloPoMo instead of NaNoWriMo this year. If I work on one of my fiction blogs, I can still say I'm doing something that could be worked towards a novel. It's something of a debate right now. Fortunately, I've got most of October to make my decision.

Struggling with depression.

For the last several weeks, I've been having a rough time of it. I am having problems again with depression. The doctor has adjusted my medication and some of the more severe symptoms seem to have lifted. This, however, has been the primary reason why I haven't posted anything in here for a little while now. I shall, however, try to post something at least once a week. Even if it is a quick update as to what I've been doing with the kids.

Mexican Style Pasta Bake Recipe

Posting this here for future reference & to share with friends. It actually came out pretty good.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

1 lb box of noodles (I used shells because that's what I had on hand. DO NOT PRE-COOK!)
1 qt jar of marinara pasta sauce (Rinse jar out with a 1/4 water, approx. and pour remnants in.)
1 qt jar of salsa (See above.)
1/2 lb shredded cheddar cheese
sour cream (to taste)

In an 11 x 7 x 2 in pan, pour pasta sauce and salsa. Mix together. Add box of noodles, stir together until noodles are coated. Top with shredded cheese. Bake at 350 deg F. for 1 hour. When serving, add a dollop of sour cream.

Prospero's Speech

Now my charms are all o'erthrown,
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,
Or sent to Naples. Let me not,
Since I have my dukedom got
And pardon'd the deceiver, dwell
In this bare island by your spell;
But release me from my bands
With the help of your good hands:
Gentle breath of yours my sails
Must fill, or else my project fails,
Which was to please. Now I want
Spirits to enforce, art to enchant,
And my ending is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer,
Which pierces so that it assaults
Mercy itself and frees all faults.
As you from crimes would pardon'd be,
Let your indulgence set me free

Listening to Loreena McKennitt's version and was enjoying it immensely tonight. Don't know why, but I've always loved Prospero's Speech. The Tempest wasn't one of my favorite Shakespearean plays but this was one of my favorite monologues of all time. It's a tie with Hamlet's soliloquy.

Knooking?

I now am the proud owner of three knooking tools. I read about this technique of knitting with a crochet hook last week. I got so interested in it that when I saw the hooks for sale for a whopping $4.95 at wally world, I grabbed 'em. I resisted the urge to buy more yarn and forced myself to finish running my errand. When I got home, I was positively giddy to try out this technique that I had been reading about and watching video tutorials for the last several days.

I've been playing around idly with this wooden hook for the last few hours. It's like a cross between Tunisian crochet and regular crochet (when it come to technique). I'm still trying to perfect the tension with this, but I'm getting the basic knit stitch down. I did a few rows and discovered that I was somehow mixing knit and purl stitches. Thus, I ripped out and have been focusing only on knit right now. I figure once I get the knit stitches down that I'll take on how to intentionally do the purl stitches next.

My hunch was that I was going to really enjoy this. I have to confess, I may just put away the knitting looms and needles in favor of this thing. I've still got to finish that sock and the other projects, however. This, however, I think is going to turn into my favorite way to be making washcloths instead of regular crochet. Aside from that, I love using these wooden hooks. They feel WONDERFUL in my hands.

I honestly didn't expect that.

handcraft research

Just slapping a few links up for me to return to later.

how to make your own crochet hook

how to make plarn

I'm in the midst of planning yule gifts. One of my nieces has already requested that I make her Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors. To say the least, I'm going to be busy.

Ideas

going to this site for a few ideas for yule. will add more later.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm pretty sure that Stargazer would have laughed when I told her I was planning on making some Yule gifts based in higher mathematical concepts. I've been interested in the Klein bottle hats. I saw a knit one and thought that it would be perfect to make for my brother in law. Then I realized that my knitting skills are not quite up to that level yet. At which point I found a crochet one.

And then I saw this hat and decided that I am going to have to make it for my son at some point in time. It's not really as math oriented as the other hats, but it was still a good find.

At some point, I want to make a Möbius scarf but I am having a hard time picking what pattern I want to use. I know that I'm not going to have the time to make up the DNA model this year. That, however, is alright because I am thinking that I'm going to make a scarf based on the Fibonacci sequence. I've made a few washcloths and an art piece (crochet for all of those), so I'm pretty sure the scarf will be a fairly straight forward thing.

changes...

Feh! I just screwed around a little with the layout on here. Partly because I was bored and not desiring to go to bed just yet and partly because I was annoyed with it.

I'm now consigning it to the fates and wandering off to bed. If I'm lucky, I'll sleep well tonight despite my back.

I hate monday.

I forgot that fact. Then today happened and I was reminded. The boys were just all out monsters for me. Jumping on the furniture was the least of my headaches. I found myself understanding why some animals eat their young.

I really hope that the weather allows the boys to get outside some tomorrow. If anything, I'll have them run laps around the house a few times or something to burn of some of this wild energy. Good Gods grant me strength and sanity. I love my children, I really do. But I spent a good portion of my day asking myself "What the hell was I thinking?"

You know what this means, of course, tomorrow they'll both be sweet as pie and well behaved.


...


Or did I just jinx myself? >.<

My Pride and Joy!

To the left is a picture of my youngest son. He's the little guy affectionately known as Snuggle Bug. It has become something of an ironic nickname for him. He was a very cuddly baby at times. Snuggle time, however, happened only on his terms.

Now age two, he is my little holy terror. My FiL and I have jokingly called him a shark. As my FiL has said, he has two modes: go and stop. Snuggle Bug is a very active little guy and loves to do things full bore.

Currently, he is quite thrilled to be doing things like jumping on the couch or climbing everything we own. Snuggle Bug absolutely loves going to the park and playing on the swing. He has recently decided that he is going to start giving the slides a try. As such, he has been trying to climb up them like he sees the older children do. It has made for much silliness.

To the right is my eldest child, known as Cuddle Bug. True to his nickname, he is a little lover. This (like the picture above) is a picture that is several months old. His hair is not as long now and that outfit no longer fits. That, however, is the way things go with toddlers.

Cuddle Bear loves his little brother and does a lot to try to help me out with him. He is, also, a rather independent child who doesn't exactly enjoy having a little shadow. I remember trying to get away from my younger brothers much like he tries to get away from Snuggle Bug. It's not that easy.

Cuddle Bear adores the color purple and fire trucks. He is a quiet child with the beginnings of a deep love affair with books. I'm fairly certain that he will be the one I find hiding with a flashlight under the covers with a book.

Birthday shenanigans & thoughts.

Yesterday, we held a combined birthday party for Cuddle Bear and Snuggle Bug. The boys had a ball playing with balloons as we were waiting for the guests to arrive. Beloved had been nervous and worried that we hadn't enough food for everyone. I, however, was fairly confident that things were going to go fine (after a brief spate of social anxiety driven panic). The weather was beautiful and the park was just lovely.

As the guests arrived, it quickly became apparent that not everyone we had invited were able to make it. I was a little disappointed but I recognize that life will throw curve balls at us and it can be hard to do everything you want in a weekend. (This was a big change from the last time I tried to throw a party and quite a few of the guests were unable to come. Then I got rather upset and felt rejected. It wasn't fun at all.) Even with the smaller number of guests, we still had plenty of folks to eat up the goodies we had there. The rainbow colored goldfish crackers that my MiL brought were especially well liked by the kids.

When the time came for presents, it became obvious that I had hit one out of the park. The firetruck that I found at the thrift store as a last minute purchase was the favorite toy of both boys. Thank goodness that Beloved's brother brought a monster truck for Snuggle Bug. He headed off the screaming fit right at the pass. For a good while, the boys alternated between which truck they were playing with. All of the adults made a point of complementing them on their sharing of the toys.

Amusingly enough, the firetruck was such a big hit that the boys were at first indifferent to the big presents from Beloved's parents. Snuggle Bug, after a while, did finally start playing with his wagon. He seemed to really enjoy picking up gravel and dropping it into it. Then, with some coaxing, Cuddle Bear started to play with his tricycle. He wasn't as excited about it as we thought he would be. Then I remembered, Cuddle Bear gets to use one fairly regularly at preschool.

We had cake but no candles on it. Beloved and I thought it would just be a lot easier that way. We now have half of a sheet cake sitting in the kitchen. Cuddle Bear wanted to bring it down to his best friend, Ladybug* but the weather isn't exactly agreeable to walking down there. I am sure that Ladybug and Wort** will be equally delighted with sharing some cake tomorrow after school.

I was a fool and forgot my camera at home. Thus, there are no pictures of the party this year. I hope to get a good one of the boys playing with their newest toys later. Perhaps I'll get lucky and get a good picture of Cuddle Bear on his new tricycle tomorrow. I think the weather is supposed to be sunny and warm tomorrow. Today, it is raining. I'm not going to complain, however, because the drought still hasn't broken.

The rain we have gotten recently and my diligent watering has resulted in my tomato plant having more then just two tomatoes on it. I'm quite excited. The pepper plant seems to have finished flowering. If I'm lucky, it will have peppers on it soon as well. I am planning on bringing some of my fresh vegetables down to Ladybug and Wort's mother in the coming week. She's been ill and I think some homegrown produce would cheer her up. I may even bring some herbs down.

My marigolds seem to have recovered some from getting so terribly dried out recently. I've started to get blossoms on them. It is my hope to collect some and dry them for making an herbal tea later. The first few blossoms that I had harvested are currently being rained on because I forgot to bring them in. I hope that they'll dry out well for me in the sunny weather to come. I have been reading about how one can use marigold blossoms to dye fiber with a little bit of vinegar.

Some interesting articles about solar dying have had me seriously considering dying some of my fiber from my MiL with this technique. I may even go so far as to save some onion skins and some red cabbage to try dying with that as well. I have a few mason jars free and a gallon of vinegar. If it really is as simple as steeping it like sun tea, then I believe I am going to give it a shot. I like the idea of dying my own fiber with stuff that I have immediately at hand. I may have to do a little bit more reading before I give it a shot. Either way, I hope to get some pictures of this up once I get underway.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

* Ladybug is Cuddle Bear's best friend from preschool. She's about a year older then him but they get along like two peas in a pod. Beloved and I got a chuckle out of the fact that they're best friends. That was how he and I started out. If we're at their wedding 20 something years later, Beloved will be informing them that I had predicted it (in jest).

** Wort (from the old middle English word for plant and the nickname for Arthur in Disney's The Sword in the Stone) is Ladybug's little brother. He's five days younger then Cuddle Bug. He and Cuddle Bug play together regularly. Both boys seem to be becoming fast friends as well. It is something that their mother and I would like to encourage.

It's called Separation of Church and State, moron!

I don't generally pay much attention to the Christian Science Monitor. There was something about their article about Texas Governor Rick Perry that caught my eye. So, I sat down and read the article. I was fully prepared for someone to be softening his very 'conservative' views in an attempt to make him more palatable to others. I was prepared for a bias in his favor because he is a highly visible and politically well connected individual who supports the aggressively evangelical face of the Christian faith in the United States. Thus prepared, I read the article and my jaw hit the floor.

I then did a little digging to see if they were actually sugar coating just how far to the 'Right' he was. Then I read what Forbes had to say about him and this prayer rally that went on today. I read the official 'about Rick Perry' page, the Wikipedia entry, and several other pages (including his Facebook page). As I learned more about the man, the more disturbing the idea of his having influence over a state, let alone on a national level, became.

Sure, he has done some impressive things. He's got a squeaky clean image and the camera seems to love him. His positions on economic matters are interesting. This, however, doesn't make up for the fact that he endorses the concepts espoused by the American Family Association of Tupelo and similar organizations:

• The protections of the First Amendment apply solely to Christians.
• Homosexuality is a moral threat to the nation.
• Abortion should be illegal.

I could go on, but these are the three big turnoff's for me. The protections of the First Amendment are inviolate and extend to all citizens of the United States regardless of their religious affiliation. Any movements to some how curtail this should be regarded with great resistance. It is the First Amendment that makes our nation great. I'm not saying we're perfect, but the fact that you can, among other things, speak your mind freely and practice your religion freely is a strength.

I highly object to the argument that homosexuality is a moral threat to the nation. Homosexuality has been around for a very, very long time. The idea that it is suddenly this new threat is preposterous. Among the minds that lead to the development of this nation, were most undoubtedly homosexuals. Their sexual orientation didn't undermine the establishment of this nation. It's pretty safe to assume that there's a percentage of the population who fought to establish and maintain this nation through out history were homosexuals.

I think it's safe to say that homosexuality is a non-issue on the matter of the welfare of the nation. Logic aside, the argument of moral threats to the nation should be suspended. Why? Because moral issues are religious issues. Please, refer back to the First Amendment on this issue if you need to have that position of mine clarified. It's pretty simple.

Abortion is not the problem. It has been made out to be the problem when the majority of abortions are performed for medical reasons. As a matter of course, the idea of abortion for the sake of birth control is not going to be the preferred method, unlike what many of the anti-abortion folks insist. Making the medical procedure illegal returns us to where women are at an increased risk of dying during pregnancy. Depending on how the law is phrased, a naturally occurring miscarriage can be illegal.

As a woman who has six miscarriages, I take great offense at this prospect. The idea that a woman who has already been traumatized by the loss of her child could then be facing murder charges sets my blood boiling. Unfortunately, the anti-abortion groups that have the strongest lobbing presence support laws that would criminalize women like myself. The medical community doesn't fully understand why miscarriages happen. To take something nebulous like that and criminalize it sets the precedent for greater injustices for the sake of the 'social conscience.'

I am dearly hoping that Rick Perry is just a flash in the pan. If, by some weird happenstance, he does prove to be the Republican candidate, I'll be one of the folks doing their best to get people NOT to vote for him. People like that, who regard the Constitution as applying only to them, are dangerous. It's only a small ideological jump to fascism.

Blessed First Harvest!

I'm still in pain from my fall back in early June. The muscle relaxant that the doctor prescribed for me isn't doing much to help. It makes things like weeding the garden difficult. After a long day, I must admit, it is something that tends to slip by the wayside. Still, I do what I can and keep my hopes up for rain. We're currently in the middle of a rather wicked drought, you see.

I didn't let that stop me from harvesting a little bit of my home grown produce. My pepper plant has put out only one pepper thus far. It was quite small but exceptionally flavorful. I used half of it in my macaroni salad that we had for dinner tonight. I also harvested a bit of basil and some of the nasturtium leaves. I chopped those up fairly fine and tossed them into the salad too. It was just as pleasurable to eat as it was to make.

I'll slap up the recipe at the end of this post. I tried to make it through the day with out any soda. I failed horribly. I'm realizing, however, that I get the desire to have some when I get stressed out. It has become (or has been and I didn't realize it) a coping mechanism. To say the least, I need to replace that with something that is kinder to my waistline. I am going to attempt an experiment of sorts with my force of will.

When I desire a cold glass of soda, I am going to replace it with a glass of water. I figure since I have a fair amount of lemon balm (which is doing beautifully despite the drought), I can start adding a few bruised leaves to my water. Aside from that, I'm going to resume adhering to the little amusing expression: keep calm and have a cup of tea. It is my hope that my will shall hold out and I can break this soda habit.

As my daily walking has been curtailed significantly by my injury, I need to cut calories where I can with out doing too much harm to myself. I don't want to get back down to being about 110 lbs. That was a dangerously unhealthy weight for me to be at and I have decided that I never want to be that skinny again. When I was walking about four miles a day and living on a fairly lean diet, I got to be about 150 lbs. I don't think I had ever felt healthier then I did at that weight.

It is a rather enormous thing that I have done just by way of walking and portion control. This time last year, my weight was up to 280 lbs. It was due to a combination of stress eating, medication side effects, and a somewhat sedentary lifestyle. Depression really takes a huge bite out of your energy and stamina for pretty much any form of exercise. Since then, I have dropped down to 195. I have been exercising fairly regularly.

I was attempting to get 8 miles of walking in each week. I had been making pretty good progress on that up until I fell out in the garden. Now I get roughly four miles in each week by walking down to get Cuddle Bear from the bus stop. I want to get more walking in, but right now it's painful. At times, my leg will even go numb. My Father-in-Law suggested that perhaps I had pinched a nerve when I fell. Given that the Tylenol isn't doing much for the pain and the muscle relaxant isn't helping either, I suspect he is right. Thankfully, the doctor is confident that I didn't break anything when I fell. Thank goodness for small mercies, right?

Well, I'm running out of stuff to ramble about right now. I'll slap that recipe up.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Macaroni Salad (quick version)
Ingredients

• 2 1/2 cups cooked macaroni (or other small pasta)
• 1/2 small bell pepper (diced)
• 1/4 bag of frozen mixed vegetables
• 1 cup whipped salad dressing (or mayo)
• 3 nasturtium leaves (shredded fine)
• 4 sweet Italian basil leaves (shredded fine)

Step 1: Cook pasta.
Step 2: Place colander in sink with frozen vegetables in it.
Step 3: Pour pasta and water into colander, rinse with cool/tepid water.
Step 4: Toss pasta and vegetable mixture to make sure vegetables are thawed.
Step 5: Transfer pasta and vegetable mixture to a large bowl.
Step 6: Add bell pepper, nasturtium leaves, and basil.
Step 7: Add salad dressing and mix together well. Make sure all of the salad is evenly coated.
Step 8: Chill for 15 min in the refrigerator.
Step 9: Serve!

evening shadows

My good friend ArtCat did an excellent job of describing PTSD. He said:

PTSD is like a hydra. If you do things piecemeal, you may resolve one symptom but two more will pop up in its place (or it will return twice as bad as before). You need to strike at the root and work through the fundamental issue in and of itself. Everything else should be taken in context of that.

I... I have a hard time with my cPTSD when I reach the end of the day. Beloved pointed it out to me the other day and it's been rattling around in my brain. At the end of the day, I run out of things to distract me from my disorder. I find my emotional reserves are fairly close to tapped out and I dread going to sleep. Even with my medications, nightmares will come fairly regularly. They just don't have the same kind of effect on me that they did before.

I suffer from emotional flashbacks on a daily basis. I haven't the slightest idea what is triggering them. This upsets me greatly. I just want to get to the root of this latest go on the hellish merry-go-round. I want to face this stuff down and move on as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, it's simply not that easy.

I sit here, trying to figure out what more to write. I don't know why I'm posting this here, even. I guess it's just to get it out and off my chest. I want to cry. At the same time, another part of me decries it as a sign of weakness, which must never be allowed. I feel confused, hurt, and alone. I don't know why. It's terrible to feel this way because I don't know what set it off.

Science is getting interesting.

A few days ago, I read this really interesting story about how scientists grew and then successfully implanted an organ into a person using their own tissues. I thought that was really exciting news. I knew that nanotechnology was getting applied in various interesting ways throughout various industries. What I didn't know was how far advanced it had gotten in the medicine sector until I read that article.

I have a friend who had to have a double lung transplant almost two years ago. I immediately pointed this article out to him. We both agreed that it was pretty amazing. The idea that medicine has advanced far enough that we could theoretically grow a new, healthy version of an organ that was diseased and failing was something that just struck us as wonderful.

Granted, we're both of a mind to watch these developments carefully. Organ transplants are notoriously tricky and the risk of rejection is always high. The proof of success in this case is going to be a bit down the road.

But then I stumbled on to this article and I was just left in shock. It was only a few years ago that the idea of regrowing a fingertip was science fiction. To see evidence that it has been done just left me in awe. What is going to be next?

Obligitory Casey Anthony post.

As a person who reads the news and occasionally blogs about it, I suppose I must put in my two pennies worth on the subject of the Casey Anthony fiasco. Fiasco really is an understatement. I think train wreck may be a better way of describing it. It was a disaster from the beginning.

One may ask, why I think it was a disaster from day one. My answer is really simple, the media sensationalized the living hell out of it. Imagine if this case unfolded and the mother wasn't involved beyond misreporting a missing child. There wouldn't be half as many people screaming for blood as there are today. Let's take this little thought experiment a bit farther. Let's imagine if the person involved was an acquaintance of the family. The number of people screaming for that person's blood would drop off exponentially.

In my opinion, the first thing that judge should have done was bar the media from the courtroom. I think it should be a standard practice in any and all high profile cases. This should be as routine as sequestering jurors. Did the district attorney botch their case? Probably. Is Casey Anthony guilty? I don't know.

There's a chance that she is guilty as hell. That doesn't matter in the eyes of the law, however, because a jury of her peers found her innocent. Yes, a terrible thing happened to a little girl. The injustice of it smarts because we can't pin the crime on any one person's head and exact some form of vengeance, because let's face it that's what people are looking for with the death penalty.

That doesn't mean that we automatically criminalize parents who don't know immediately if their child's missing. Older children are harder to keep track of then younger children because they're much more independent. Guess what, that means that little Suzie may be spending the night at her friend's place and if she and her friend get lost while they're out doing stuff, Suzie's parents aren't going to know until at least 24 hours later.

I'm not a big fan of that sensationalist rag the Huffington Post. At times, however, they have good articles. This article does a better job then I can illustrating why we shouldn't jump to knee jerk conclusions and start changing/writing laws in the heat of populist passion. Cases like that of Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson are rare. Writing laws that affect everyone because of things that happen in these outlier cases is bad policy.

The Roman philosopher and statesman Marcus Tullius Cicero said it best:

The more laws, the less justice.

Gentler sex? My German ass.

Any one who argues that women are incapable of evil or some similar nonsense on the basis of their gender is a moron of the first caliber. I read about a Rwandan woman in the news today and I was beyond disgusted. A former minister, this woman ordered the execution of helpless refugees and the rape of many women and girls. Why, one asks? Because they Tutsis and she was part of the Hutu government who felt that this minority were subhuman.

Life in prison is far too humane for this woman. A slow death with great pain and the erosion of her sense of dignity is far too kind even. I don't know what an appropriate punishment is for someone who orders the genocide of another people or the systematic sexual torture of others. Anyone who claims that knowledge of Christian values serves to prevent barbarism is willfully ignorant of cases like this.

Ranting again.

This time, it's not people from Facebook in my sights. It's an acquaintance of mine. I can recognize that disability takes a heavy toll. As some one who has been diagnosed as disabled myself after *decades* of being undiagnosed, I fully comprehend just how difficult it is to move forward in life despite it. Disability, however, doesn't serve as a blank check to get you out of being a responsible adult. Having a marriage that is on the rocks doesn't excuse being a self absorbed, immature 'brat'.

An active and inquisitive child does not make them a brat, neither does their age. Brat is not a term of endearment. It's an insult and it means that the child is spoiled, irresponsible, and unmannered. Sounds more like the parent then the child, in my stated opinion.

I don't like you. I pity you because you seem to lack the intellectual ability to behave as an adult. I out grew the childish behavior that you regularly indulge in when I was in my early teens. You're almost forty, it's well past time you grew up. One of these days, I'm going to tell you exactly what I think of you, your husband, and both of your behavior. It seems like the only one who has something going on upstairs is the child and the inmates are running the asylum.

Rambling in the garden.

I have a bit of a garden going. It isn't all in one spot but that doesn't really matter. It's now been almost a month now that I have been working at this. I'm learning a fair amount as I go along. Among the first things I think I can say I have learned is that I prefer gardening alone to having help. It is a relaxing, meditative, prayerful act that helps to center me in the face of my constant anxiety.

I have also discovered that I get cranky if I go too long with out having some kind of interaction with my plants. I am concerned that some of the seeds I have planted won't come up. It was something of a disappointment to realize that I worried about the plants. It made that bitter critic in me mutter 'as if you didn't have enough to worry about...' That was a rather hurtful moment. The other was when I discovered that my miniature rosebushes just are not going to bloom more. I am holding out hope that there will be additional future blooms, but I have a bad feeling they may just be done for the season.

It has been one of the areas in my life that is relatively untouched by my creative block. I suppose that is because the plants I am growing are all fairly hardy and tend to take care of themselves to some extent. I just need to water them and weed. I don't have to put myself much more on the proverbial line then that. For a little bit of time, I am being rewarded with an abundance of fresh herbs to cook with, healthy tomato and pepper plants, and (soon) fresh strawberries. Now I just have to be patient enough to let the flowers come up.

On writing, knitting, & other art projects

It has been a grueling week for me artistically speaking. The only form of artwork that hasn't been semi-painful to endure is my knitting. I've been forcing myself to write. It hasn't been fun in any sense of the word. The morning pages feel like they're filled with epic failure and minutia that really shouldn't be penned.

The Sanctuary manuscript only has a handful of pages added to it. Most of them are just flat and have been excruciating to write. It's funny, according to the word count, I have it finished. That's how I won NaNoWriMo. The story, however, isn't done. I still need to find a way to marry the work I have typed on the computer with what I have hand written in a note book. I haven't even fleshed out the scenes that I barely put to paper in something of an outline.

I'm struggling with an enormous sense of apathy and creative drought (Julia Cameron really hit the nail on the head with coming up with that expression) in my textile arts. The knitting is like a band-aid. My crochet washcloth book is languishing for want of writing down patterns.

My loom is idle. I have it warped but I just can't muster up the emotional effort to sit down and weave. I can't seem to figure out what I want to even use for my weft here. I used my handspun purple merino to warp it. I adore the color but now... I can't figure out what I want to use to weave. A part of me says I have to use wool while another part says I need to just grab what ever I have on hand and start throwing the shuttle.

Some how, my sketch book has gone missing. The project room ate it, I think. I have been mourning the loss of that particular item, though I haven't felt particularly pressured to draw or paint. I feel pretty bad about the fact that I haven't been painting. I just can't get past this enormous sense of failure. I don't know why I feel like a failure in my painting, but I do.

It all comes together in this black morass of misery. The morning pages, I suppose, are like my lifeline or something. I'd prefer a golden thread to help me get out of this labyrinth of a block, to be honest.

Ramblings

Snuggle-Bug is sitting on my lap as I type this and we're listening to Pollywog In A Bog. We like the Barenaked Ladies' album Snacktime. The boys really enjoy the songs and will dance around the living room to them. Hubby enjoys this one too - Drawing. The album is full of a lot of fun music and BNL has a great sense of humor. We had enjoyed BNL in high school when were first introduced to their work. As time goes on and we explore their work, we just find more reasons to love this group.

I was just stunned by the news today...

Really, I was utterly shocked when I read this article from Reuters. Scientists have proven that formaldehyde is bad for you. Not just kinda icky, but really bad for you. I am in awe and horror.

How was the sarcasm? Did I do a good job? Did I fool you? ... No? Yeah, I wouldn't have believed me either. Don't feel bad. Get ready, kids, here comes the rant!

Ok, I'm going to make an assumption here that a large majority of my readers are in the USA and have (or will have) taken a high school biology class. And in something like 95% of those biology classes around the country, you are required to do a dissection. It may be of worms, fetal pigs, frogs, or even fluffy the cat. In most of those cases, the critter to be chopped up is preserved in ... (wait for it!) ... FORMALDEHYDE!

Now, maybe it's just me and my redneck-hillbilly ideas, but if they use it to PRESERVE DEAD THINGS, it might not be such a good thing to consume. We drink alcohol. Too much alcohol is bad for you. We eat stuff with salt in/on it. Too much salt is bad for you. We consume foods with tannic acid in it. You know what I'm going to say next, so I'll spare you the obvious statement. Now, small amounts of alcohol, salt, or tannic acid won't kill you. That's why we can drink wine, eat our salt coated french fries, or have that cup of tea and NOT die.

When you look at compounds like formaldehyde, one glaring thing REALLY stands out. It is a POISON. Every container you find of the substance tells you NOT to consume it. Don't drink, eat, or breathe the fume. It is BAD for you. Who in the nine hells do you expect really wants to have some formaldehyde on the side of their meal? Last I checked, it wasn't the new monosodium glutamate (aka MSG) that you sprinkled on everything to make it more flavorful by tricking your taste buds and subsequently becoming addicted to it.

Oh... wait... I wasn't supposed to mention that bit about MSG. Oops. ... *Shifty Eyes* We'll just keep that little secret between us, ok? *Winks*

Back to the rant... Anybody who has been in high school biology most likely remembers the strict admonishments of their teachers not to smell, taste, or otherwise consume their experiment. Just a ... well, a little suspicion here... If a substance is OBVIOUSLY poisonous, it's probably safe to assume it's going to have a laundry list of other REALLY bad effects on the body. If you're lucky, cancer is the least of them.

It wasn't just the Visigoths who did in the Romans. It was the lead pipes too. Trace amounts of lead in the water resulted in lead poisoning. Lead poisoning is BAD. It screws up your brain. So... perhaps we're dealing with some of the modern version of lead pipes for Rome. Just a theory, mind you. Honestly, are we supposed to be shocked and hail this "discovery" as some earth shattering news? It's fucking formaldehyde, people.

Pardon me, I'm going to go look for my nearest source of lead and drink up. I obviously am functioning at too high of a brain power for my country because I didn't need this discovery to tell me that a poison is bad for me.

Space Race part 2?

I read an article stating that NASA is going to use a vehicle from Lockheed for future missions. Reading the article over and the oblique statement that NASA is considering manned missions deeper into space, I was struck by two things. The first was that the process by which a man (or woman) is launched into space hasn't really changed all that much over the years. You put them into a small orbiter and strap 'em to a *BIG* rocket. Then you pray it doesn't blow up on the launch pad or have some other catastrophic failure.

For some reason, I thought we'd get farther in our efforts to explore space more efficiently. Reusable orbiters are awesome, don't get me wrong. I thought that was one of the more awesome aspects to the space shuttle. But... I don't know how to phrase it. I was struck with some kind of hope that with the X prize and the research being done in various private sectors (who are all in a bidding war for the next 'space shuttle' nod from NASA) that somebody would possibly develop a better launch system.

The second thing that occurred to me was just how deep into space are they talking about going? Science fiction has dreamed of interstellar and intergalactic travel. Parsecs ticked off like miles on the odometer, and such. Is it a dream or a nightmare that our government who can't manage to figure out how to keep the roads in decent repair is planning their next proverbial moon shot and talking about deep space? I can't shake the image of Hal losing it's marbles. Something about this talk of deep space exploration strikes me as unnerving, but I can't quite place my finger on it.

Rambling thoughts.

I'm not really sure what to write here. It's been ... Well, it's been quite a while since I've sat down and posted in here. I feel inadequate right now. I think it's just a passing thing, however. It's been a long day.

Cuddle-Bear (my eldest) is starting preschool. We've gone in for a few hours over the last several days. He's taking to it very well. They're talking about transferring his speech therapy and occupational therapy to being done at the preschool in the fall. I'm trying hard not to be nervous about this.

He's improved a lot over the last several months with the speech therapy. We're getting actual sentences out of him where it was before one word responses. He's beginning to show some improvement with his diction and pronunciation. His vocabulary is just blooming beautifully as well.

We've only just started the occupational therapy. (As in, last week was his first session.) I really don't understand what all of it is about. The gal who is his therapist says that a big part of what they're going to be working on is sensory processing. She says that will help him get past things like his utter terror of the vacuum cleaner. I really want to see him succeed, and if this is what's needed, then so be it.

Snuggle-Bug is teething, again. And this child... oh good goddess, he's a handful. I didn't realize how much we were spoiled with Cuddle-Bear until Snuggle-Bug started getting into mischief. He's 18 months going on 3, I swear. One of Snuggle-Bug's favorite things to do, right now, is to climb on the furniture and stand up.

It'd be one thing if the furniture he chose to do this was stationary. The desk chair at Beloved's desk, however, is most certainly NOT. This resulted in a tumble this morning, which I think upset his Grandpa more then it upset him. The boy's also been eying the bookcases with interest. I think I'm going to have a lot more gray hair by the time we get done with this phase.

And then there was Snuggle-Bug's newest trick. Since he's teething, his nose has been a bit runny. Sometime today, Snuggle-Bug discovered he could blow snot out of his nose. It resulted in laughter from Cuddle-Bear and great disgust from Grandma and I. He kept doing it and I think we must have gone through at least half a box of tissues. I'd say my feelings on this 'accomplishment' can be summed up in one word: EW!

Beloved's birthday is tomorrow. I gave him his presents early. I made him hypnotoad and camo ninja. Camo ninja comes from the movie Ninja Terminator. It was his birthday present a few years ago. Hilariously bad kung fu movie; if you need a laugh, watch it. Hypnotoad is hypnotoad. I'll be posting the patterns for these up soon.

I'm not sure what else to add. I guess that's it for today.

Facebook ranting.

Yesterday Hubby pointed out that the 'Facebook activisim' is ridiculous. I took it a step farther and called it activism for cowards. I suspect that offended a few people. To be honest, I kinda hope it did. I can't stand the idea that spamming your friends (a few hundred people) with the same bullshit status multiple times with the request that they spam people on their list is some how socially acceptable.

It's like chain letters. I absolutely abhor chain letters. I have since I was a kid. The idea that not sending it on to five other (or what ever the random number generated is) will bring you bad luck or some other misfortune is as laughable as the idea that it will bring good luck. With the popularity of social networking sites, I suppose the chain letter phenomenon was going to catch up to there as well. The whole concept disgusts and infuriates me especially when it comes to matters of social responsibility.

If you feel strongly about an issue (such as child abuse) and you want to do something about it, get off your misbegotten ass. Spamming people or sending chain letters is a pathetic attempt to placate one's sense of social responsibility with no effort. It's a lot like just praying for someone who is unable to put food on their table. Prayer by itself may be powerful but it's nothing compared to prayer supported by action, such as helping that person to get a hold of their local food pantry.

Waving your internet sign from your internet soapbox will be useless unless you have some real action to support it. You may not be able to go march in the streets but there's always *something* that can be done, even by one person who is flat broke. There's an old expression, God helps he who helps himself. It means get off your lazy ass and do something about the problem.

Blog Reboot Coming Soon!

Hi folks!

I haven't written in here in a while. I'm going to be completely rebooting this thing. New format and such. I expect to have that done in about a week. Soo... if you have any favorites to read, read 'em quick. They're going to be getting filed away soon.

One month down, eleven to go.

It's been a little while since I posted in here. Part of the reason why I have been delinquent in my posting is because I've been rather busy trying to get the chaos of the house under some semblance of order. Part of the reason is the questionable fun of motherhood and the true fun of motherhood (puking babies are the former, walking babies chasing falling leave are the latter). And finally, I've been unsure what to post here that would not be damning. It's been ... difficult and I have been giving it a lot of thought.

Nothing hidden on the Internet can say hidden forever. I can only hide my identity so well before I am ferreted out by some truly diligent soul. There are legal ramifications of my nervous breakdown that I hadn't expected in a million years. Ramifications that force me to consider what to write down where and who I talk to about what. And I don't like it.

Mental illness is not a crime. Asking for help when struggling with mental illness is not a criminal act. I, however, am being treated like a criminal. Sure, you can say that all of the constraints that I am under are for the sake of protecting the children but it's a lie. Why is it a lie? Because of one simple fact, the entire case against me is built upon a tissue of lies, cherry-picking evidence for the most alarming details, and conveniently omitted facts. This is how the government operates, folks.

I made the mistake that my good friend did and here I am caught up in the gears of this thing. I'm told that because large sections of the stuff I'm dealing with are boiler-plate details, not anything personal, that I should be thankful that is all I have to deal with. I'm sorry, but I can not swallow my outrage and hold still for the proceedings while they have me over a barrel, and then say 'Thank you, sir, may I have another?'

Mental illness should be treated like any other illness. Just because a person is ill doesn't mean they are neglecting their children. It doesn't necessarily make them a danger to their family and loved ones. When medication is working correctly and all therapeutic avenues are clearly progressing as they should be, there is no reason to black ball the person who is ill. Yet, here I am, being the person with the Black Spot and all for the sake of what, the appeasement of the sense of horror that was felt by some people who were squeamish in the face of suicidal depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If that little glimpse into my world made them quail in terror, they should try living it. They should try dealing with the pain of the past and the effort it take everyday to get thru it. Everyday, I have the silent prayer that my PTSD will not rear it's ugly head. Everyday, I have the silent prayer that my depression will not rob me of the joy of my children's early childhood. Everyday, I struggle forward and do my damnedest to keep these proverbial monsters from overshadowing my family. I can't afford to have a bad flashback because it will scare my children.

Now, I can't afford to have a bad flashback because these lily liveried bureaucrats will see it as evidence that I am incapacitated in some fashion and unable to care for my children. I have been dealing with this from before my kids were born. I was a productive and reasonable member of society prior to this nervous breakdown. I was a productive and reasonable member of society prior to having children. Now, I'm being told that I am a danger but not enough of a danger to lock away. That kind of back handed bullshit I grew up with, it hurts like hell. I'm not going to tolerate it anymore.

I'll mind my Ps and Qs. I'll bide my time. Justice is on my side and when it is time, I'm going to show these people just how big of a mistake it was to piss in my cornflakes.

Update

For a brief time, I suppose I could say that I truly did lose my mind. A few weeks ago, I got home from an approximately month long stay at the hospital for a nervous breakdown. I'm doing much better and my medications are helping a lot. It was, however, one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had in my life. I'm not exactly of a mind to talk about it here, but it is enough to say that the Psych ward was the exact opposite of what I expected and I obviously survived the experience.

One of the results of my stay at the hospital was an almost literal explosion of artwork. I'm finishing projects left and right even as I have been working on filling two books with sketches. I have decided to start selling my art work on Etsy and I will be posting links to it. I could argue that I have acquired a new totem as well - the butterfly. The butterfly, the phoenix, the cat, and the raven were all quite present for me as I was working thru my efforts at the hospital.

Images of the four popped up quite frequently and I found myself contemplating them very often. The butterfly and the phoenix are symbols of radical transformation. The cat is a symbol of independence, healing, and protection. The raven is a symbol of introspection, courage, and self-knowledge. The four, together, represent a great deal of who and what I am. Additional meanings, as I read about them, have been most illuminating.

I suspect as time goes on, I'm going to find more and more about these totems to be true about the situation I've been living in. Interestingly, the cat is a symbol of the Norse goddess Freja, who has been quite present in my dreams, as well as of Frigga. The raven represents Odin, who has been very present as well. I'm not entirely sure why I have been having so many dreams focused upon the Teutonic aspect of my heritage.

I think it may be because I'm in the midst of redefining how I approach my heritage. I am redefining my relationship with my side of the extended family and how I approach my memories. It has been difficult but it has also been necessary, thus I do so. I'm not sure what else to add. I'll probably think of more later.

Project notes, ramblings, etc.

I've been busy with fiber recently. I haven't spun up any new yarn, though I do have some wool that I'm in the midst of carding. The scarf that I'm knitting for Beloved is progressing well. The same is true for the blanket that I'm making for a friend of mine. It may be done before September, thus freeing up time to make some different items for Yule then I was considering.

I made up a 'prayer shawl' for myself last month. It was an effort to soothe my anxiety and I suppose it did to some good. When I wear or hold it, it does help ease my anxiety. It is something that I've decided I'm going to be wearing when I meditate, which I really do need to do more often. I just finished a second one for a friend of mine's mother. It's done up in the lovely purple yarn that my Mother-In-Law gave me for Mother's day. I still have a bunch of that yarn that needs to be wound up into balls. I think I used about a third of what she gave me. I'm undecided for what to do with the rest of that lavender colored yarn, but I'll figure something out. I'm definately going to make something for myself with it, however.

And then there's the 'art' piece that I'm making. I have some red lace weight cotton thread that I'm crocheting up into a very large granny square. It is to be a wall hanging. At the top and bottom will be dowels to hold it straight. Along the bottom will also be tassels, I'm undecided if they're going to be in red as well or if there will be beads. I'm considering if I want to weave a bit of gold colored thread into this when it is finished or not. I do know that I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with it when it is done.

I started work on this and knew already what the project was going to be titled: Penelope. The myth of the Odyssey has been coming to mind a lot over the last several months as I've been doing stuff with fiber so I decided I'd make something. As I am still having some difficulty with my loom, I decided that I'd crochet this. Initially, I was thinking about weaving something but I changed my mind because of ... technical difficulties.

Oiy! 2 months?!?

I've been busy over the last several months. Mainly in coping with depression thru the wonder of modern medicine, producing or working on producing lots and lots of fiber art, and attempting to keep up with two very active little kids. Beloved has taught me how to upload pictures from the camera to the computer. This means that it's only a few small steps to adding pictures.

I'll be adding them later because I'm a little to tired to figure out how to beat this business into submission. :P

Oiy, time flies.

Well, I suppose I should briefly give the rundown of what's been going on over the last few weeks. I'm still depressed but I'm now seeing a counselor. My second appointment is tomorrow and on the 29th I'll be meeting with a psychiatrist to determine if the medication I'm on is correct for my condition. I'm not really looking forward to either appointment, but they're something of a necessary evil right now. Between my problems with daily flashbacks, difficulty sleeping, and deep depression that frequently tends towards feeling suicidal, I can't just say that I'll tough this out.

I've been writing J- when I'm not feeling terribly inadequate about it. I don't know why it's been making me feel that way, I think it's another manifestation of my depression and some of the social anxiety I'm struggling with right now. To say the least, he's going to be getting a moderately sized stack of letters from me with the various attempts to write a story for him in there as well as the various other half finished letters I wrote. I think he'll be relieved to read that I am seeing a counselor.

I did a little more with the Tunisian Crochet. I made a vest for Cuddle-Bear in this fairly nice commercially made yarn. It's a sport weight yarn in a lovely chocolate brown color. It suits him fairly well. I still need to put some buttons on it, but he already loves it. I think the fact that he decided to try to wear it as a hat could have been among the most hilarious parts of the whole deal in giving it to him. I'm now attempting to learn how to do entrelac with the Tunisian Crochet hook. I think I can truly say that I am a masochist because this is driving me crazy. I keep trying but it's just not coming out right yet and this is after almost two weeks of effort. Rome wasn't built in a day and such, but good grief I know I'm smart enough to figure this out.

I am spinning up more yarn of my own. My mother in law gave me a bunch of her remnants to use towards my big project for Beloved. His scarf is coming right along. I'm using a pair of large knitting needles on this so that the scarf will be quite warm. As it stands, it's going to be pretty wide and I'm fairly sure this thing is going to be... painful to look at long before I reach the point of being half finished. Already, there is a lot of internal clashing of colors. Washing and blocking this thing will be an adventure because it's a combination of several different kinds of yarn. Commercially made, hand made, synthetic, natural, and what feels like everything in between is going into this thing. I'm fairly sure he'll wear it with great pride.

My mother in law took me out to a meeting of the Genesee Valley Spinner's Guild yesterday up in Victor, NY. They are a lovely bunch of people and if I wasn't so caught up in my social anxiety, I think I'd have had more conversations then I did. She brought along some roving for me to spin if I ran out of what I brought with me. It was a good thing she brought it because I did. One of the two batches of roving was absolutely charming. It had a really lovely feel to it and the dye job was fun. Looking at it, all I could think of was a watermelon.

As such, I'm calling the chunky yarn that I made by that name. I'm going to be saving a snippet of it in my scrap book and writing a note about how it was to spin. She didn't tell me what kind of wool it was from but my guess from how it felt in my hand was that it was Merino. She also gave me some really fun and heavier wool roving that has a blend of red, indigo, and dark gray to it. I'm spinning that up into a chunky yarn. The colors of that reminds me of a fading sunset. So I may call that yarn by that name too. I figure if the professionals get to name their yarns, I can do the same too!

I'm taking the proverbial miles of yarn that I have sitting here which is handspun (by myself and others) and I'm going to be turning it into a blanket for a friend of mine. I was trying to get others together to help me make a quilt but that project rather stalled out. So, I'm going to be doing it on my own. Rather then making two big quilts this year, I'm only going to make one and I'm going to crochet the other blanket. I will be making a crib quilt for Snuggle-Bug because I didn't make him one last year. Cuddle-Bear still loves his though he has clearly out grown it. I'm considering making him a patchwork afghan for the toddler bed he's going to be getting soon. I am still debating on that project. I don't want to take on too many things right now.

One of my maternal aunts has a charity project that she is involved with in donating teddy bears to needy children. I'm going to be making a few and donating them up here in memory of my late cousin Matthew. I was going to send them down to her but she wants me to donate them up here in her son's memory. I am thinking that I should also make up some hats or blankets to donate for the babies at the hospital too. I really felt good about giving that blanket to the gal who had nobody there for her when she was at the hospital to have her baby.

Apparently she didn't have a baby shower or anything, the father of the baby left her, and she was all alone as she sat there laboring. My heart was breaking for her and rather then just sitting there feeling badly, I gave her the baby blanket I had just finished making with yarn scraps I had. I think that it's good for somebody to have something special for when their baby comes into the world. Blankets and hats are always useful for newborns.

I'm playing with yarn again.

As part of my effort to cope with my anxiety and stress, I'm striving to learn some new crochet techniques. I have this really nifty Tunisian Crochet hook and it's been a real eye opener as to how fast it uses up yarn. My first project was to make myself a crochet hook holder. It was insanely simple because the whole thing is just a rectangle made with the basic stitch.

I'm almost finished making a scarf for a surprise gift to somebody. It's shocking how fast this thing is working up. Over the course of about a week (where I work on this thing for about 2 to 3 hours in the evening), I have it almost finished. This thing is almost a full yard long. It's really shocking to me how fast this works up. It's also rather startling how much yarn gets used for it. I'm pretty sure that I could make some truly nice and warm sweaters for the boys over the course of a few evenings in this method. Given that Cuddle-Bear has outgrown the sweater I made for him so fast that he got to wear it for about two weeks. :P Hmm... I think I need to locate yarn...

In one of my crochet magazines, they discuss methods for making lace using Tunisian Crochet. I'm considering using some of the fine yarn that I made last year to do so. Once I get this scarf finished, I am going to be plying together the two balls of singles that I made with the Corridale wool that my mother-in-law gave me last year. I still have that lovely deep blue wool to finish spinning up. I haven't fully decided how I'm going to use it but there's some patterns that have caught my eye.

Household Notebook: Status - meh.

I've only gotten one section done. And it's not even properly done yet. I'm just finding it difficult to sit down and put this thing together. I know that it would do a world of good for keeping things straightened out and organized around here. It doesn't change, however, that when I look at this project I simply see a huge amount of effort to be expended in one shot.

My motivation is lacking. My apathy is showing.

Ramblings.

It's been bothering me for a little while now, this whole business with the stack of bills being bigger then the amount of money we have coming in. I think that I need to do something to bring some form of money into the house but I don't know what to do. I am debating hopping back on to Keen and giving all of that another try. I'm also considering looking into something like medical billing or something else similar. It's hard because I'm petrified of the idea that I'm going to do something wrong and make a difficult situation even worse.

We can't pay our bills on Beloved's income. There's no way around it. We've been doing everything we can, but there's no way we can keep this up. Something is going to have to be sacrificed and I don't know what we can sacrifice. I don't know how we're going to pay for my counseling but I have to admit that I need it now. I've been trying to get by with out it but it's just hit that point where I need to work with somebody. I need to figure out what we're going to do for a babysitter when I have my sessions. I know that I can't go to any of my side of the family because the people in any other family that wasn't as fucked up as mine... well, I've got my Aunt and my brother's soon to be ex-wife for support there and that's it.

Sure, the rest of them can pay lip service to how they care and stuff but they haven't been around and it's just not going to happen with my parents. My grandparents, as much as they'd like to, simply are not going to be able to do so. My grandfather has his hands full just caring for my grandmother as the Alzheimer's robs her of her sanity. I can't ask him to mind two little boys on top of that. Alzheimer's does funny things to the brain and everybody recognizes that it's safest for everyone involved to have my grandmother supervised when around small children. Not because she's a dangerous person but because she's been forgetful to the point of nearly burning herself in the middle of cooking dinner.

Beloved's family is a lot like mine in that respect also. Theoretically, we could call on his sister or his brother, but life is getting in the way there. Schedules are crazy and rarely do they match up enough for us to get together for something planned. We've called on his parents quite a bit for help. But life has been throwing them curve balls too, so I don't know what we're going to do. I'm considering talking to the neighbor next door to see if they can watch the boys for a little bit.

Beloved kinda snarls at the prospect of the teenagers over there watching them and says that they're not responsible enough. I don't think he realizes that we're pretty much out of other options here. It's that or nothing.

I'm worried. We don't have enough money and we've got a pile of bills that need paid. Rent is going to be due for next month soon and there's no way we can pay it along with everything else. We've got the power bill that hasn't been paid for two months, the car payment that is in the same position, and I don't even know what's going on with the health insurance. He has been declared in default on his student loans and I'm in danger of the same with mine. We simply can't pay them. We'd love to but we just don't have the money.

Unlike other people, we don't have a pile of credit card bills as the source of our problems. It's instead the everyday bills like the cost of doing laundry, groceries, and various other things. I'm terrified that we're going to actually owe money on our taxes this year. I can't shake the terrible feeling that he's going to be laid off again in the near future. While his boss gets to sit on his ass and bitch and moan about things while he fucks around with stupid shit and pet projects, we're going to be scrambling to find where we can cut more out of our budget to pay for groceries and diapers. And the god damn state will still tell us that we don't qualify for financial assistance because he's a few hundred dollars over the line for anything.

But, I look around and I see other people who aren't doing their damnedest to try and keep going basically getting rewarded for not doing shit. I've got neighbors who spend almost as much on beer and hard liquor for a weekend as we do for a car payment. They sit there and moan about how expensive everything is, while their heating bills are paid by somebody else, their groceries are paid for by WIC or food stamps, and their rent is subsidized. I don't have a problem with welfare but the system is broken. When you're told to get fired from your job to get more assistance, that's a sign that something is seriously wrong.

But what can I do about it? My vote doesn't change things. My efforts to remain independent and make things work without assistance (because I'm told that I don't qualify due to a technicality) get me nowhere. We have no savings because each major crisis that came along has eaten everything we've tried to save. We tried to put all the money that people had given us as gifts for the boys aside, but that has been eaten as well. We're down to 40 dollars in our emergency fund.

I don't know if we should pull the money out of the 401K or not. It would only be a temporary solution anyways because we've got enough debt hanging over our heads that it'd be gone in a few weeks if we started doing what we could to make the bills go away. We're coming up fast on a crisis point and I don't know what we can do about it. That terrifies me. I remember not having enough money to buy food and Mom foraging for stuff we can eat from the woods. I remember not having enough money to get new clothes for school.

I love my children...

I love my children but they are just driving me crazy at the moment. Anyone who tells you that toddlers are easy to deal with is lying to you. Seriously, they are. How can I say this? Because my 2 1/2 year old son is a sweet child that is out to make me pull my hair out. He has thrown the largest temper tantrums recently and I'm not sure if it's because he's teething, suffering from cabin fever (because the weather hasn't been exactly kind to us going outside recently), or if he's just been in a perverse mood. Either way, I find myself wondering what on earth I was thinking when I so desperately wished for children because I had no clue what so ever how difficult this was going to be.

And my friends and family members with older children tell me it only gets better. Is this a good type of better or the sarcastic kind, because I'm kind of dreading this. Ah well, at least the baby is napping and Cuddle-Bear has stopped screaming to play with his hair brush. Granted, it's a bit annoying that he's decided to brush the baby gate with it, but you know what, he's not doing any harm so I'm not going to reprimand him for it. Annoying is better then ear-splitting shrieks any day of the week.

Wait! What...?

I'm sitting here feeding Snuggle-Bug his morning bottle when I read this article and I'm taken aback by the hubris. While I recognize there is some pro-Iran and anti-US bias here, there would be no story if the two Senators actually hadn't said or done anything along these lines. Pushing for passage of a bill that calls for official US support of the undermining of another sovereign nation is tantamount to a soft declaration of war against that nation. I say a soft declaration of war because these two bloated cowards that play at being leaders of this nation lack the intestinal fortitude to put forth an actual declaration.

If you are going to demand a regime change and you are throwing official support behind the people opposing the sitting government, how does that make you any different from Osama Bin Laden? Furthermore, how does it make this country any different from the nations that are currently labeled as our enemies in the 'War on Terror"? Honestly, you hypocrites, do you really expect me to believe that you are some how morally superior to the others out there who call for the same things regarding our nation? While you sit there comfortably ensconced in the halls of power over there in Washington, DC, the rest of the nation is expecting you to do your damn job, not dick around with this bullshit.

How is it your job to make soft declarations of war against another nation that has not taken any aggressive action against our own? How is it your job to make a soft declaration of war when we're currently engaged in two right now? If you wanted to be technical about it, it is two different theaters of the same war. Either way, you're not there to be doing this shit. You want to be an asshole, do it on your own time. The people of this nation are not served by your encouraging hostility and tensions in the Middle East along with anti-US sentiment around the world. Your doing idiotic shit like this justifies the logic of people like Osama Bin Laden for why they're engaged in asymmetrical warfare against us. If I recall correctly that is the current term used to describe the changes in modern warfare that have come with the rise of terrorism, right?

Each day that the current war extends out longer is going to be on your head. Each additional attack against US interests and citizens around the world is going to be on your head. Each death that comes from these things is going to be blood on your hands. You are just as culpable as the guy who pulled the trigger because you placed US citizens in this position with your chest pounding rhetoric. If my youngest brother dies in combat, you are his murderer along with the person who pulled the trigger.

Why? Because that person may as well have been the gun in your hand, for you sent my brother there along with many others of my countrymen. There is no justice in this war. There hasn't been from day one. It was started out of a desire to blindly attack and get revenge. It continues out of political machinations. I suppose Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia or what ever the enemy de juor.

As an aside: Ironically, my misspelling 'de juor' was 'de jure'. It could be equally apt in this situation.

Well, Hello Nursezilla.

I read this blog entry on the New York Times website and thought to myself, 'Hey, I recognize what they're talking about.' I didn't come away with warm fuzzies because it really is something that I've experienced and still feel significant anger on that matter. Nurses acting in an unprofessional manner is just as horrible as a doctor doing so. I'm not picking on just nurses here.

No, the beef that I have is with the medical community at large taking the attitude that they are untouchable. If you go to have medical treatment at a hospital (and at some doctor's offices this attitude is present as well), you need to have the Oliver Twist-esque stance of your hat in your hand and begging for aid. I've lost count the number of times I've been told that health care is not a right. This hasn't just been from people out in the community, but also from medical professionals. At times in the midst of my health crisis, as some type of justification of poor service.

A fine example was when I was sent to the hospital by my doctor for a nebulizer treatment and the triage nurse decided that it wasn't necessary to expedite it because while my lung function was at half of it's usual capacity my blood oxygen still looked 'ok'. I was told to wait a few minutes and that I'd start feeling better. This was after a mildly harrowing half hour drive from out here in the country to the city hospital, going directly from my doctor's office to there and with the doctor's office calling a head that I was on my way. Another nurse told me that I needed to relax and that I was just over-reacting.

Look, I can appreciate the fact that asthma can be aggravated by emotional stress. But to tell a person who was sent to you by their primary care physician that it's not really a problem is bullshit. It disgusts me because if you don't want to be treated like crap, you're either going to continue to suffer with your ailment or be told to suck it up, because you don't have a choice. There's a lot of good doctors and nurses out there. I'm not saying there isn't. There is a cultural attitude, however, that the medical profession is exempt from being required to treat patients with respect. When you're told that your health problems are not a result of a chronic condition that you can not have possibly induced in yourself, as per the evidence of your chart and medical history, but rather a result of your laziness or some other quality assigned to you by the 'professional' speaking to you (who doesn't know you from any other random person on the street), and you are expected to tolerate if not agree with this verbal abuse... Well, I've got a problem with that.

I've got a problem with the idea that parents are forced to subject their children to emotional abuse of this caliber and if they refuse, it is possible that they are going to be punished by the law for it. Not the people emotionally abusing the children but the parents who are attempting to protect them. Why do I say this? Because there are cases on record around the USA where parents are charged with child abuse because they did not bring their children to the doctor. How many of those cases are a situation where the parents were attempting to keep their children from being bullied by the medical staff who are supposed to be caring for them? I've a suspicion that this would make up a percentage of those cases that's going to show it's not an unexpected outlier.

Grief given voice...

Grief given voice by music takes the wings and flies to the ear of god from the lips of the sorrowful in a poignant prayer for mercy, grace, and aid.

As words fail me, I turn to the music of others and the performances of others to voice my own sorrow.

Verdi's 'Willow Song' from Otello, final act, second scene (if I recall correctly), as performed by Renee Fleming.

Dido's 'My Lover's Gone' from her album No Angel.

Enya's 'Exile' from her album Watermark.

Howard Shore's 'Evenstar' from the Lord of the Rings: The Two Tower's Soundtrack

Howard Shore's 'Helm's Deep' from the Lord of the Rings: The Two Tower's Soundtrack (specifically the section that starts at 3:22)

Feeding my coffee addiction..

I'm slapping this link up here because if I'm going to be feeding my coffee habit, I may as well satisfy my chocolate craving at the same time.

Excellent book on Spinning!

I just have to say it because I looked over and was reminded of this:

Spin To Knit is an AWESOME book! It has some excellent advice for new spinners and some truly fantastic patterns! If you're interested in spinning or knitting, it's a great book. Not only is it a wonderful source of ideas and projects, it is absolutely a fantastic read. I really loved the beautiful photographs used to illustrate and the really pleasant little sidebars that talk about the designers and the yarns used for the samples. If you have the opportunity to pick it up and read it, do so. If you can put it in your handcraft library, you absolutely, positively MUST do it!

Shawls & other fun with yarn!

I kinda have a passion for shawls. I love the way they look and how it feels to wear them. I have a wonderful gray fleece one that is so incredibly soft that it is an absolute favorite of mine. I miss the absolutely lovely bright pink wool one that I had. It was the first shawl I owned and it was so amazingly warm because it was wool. Unfortunately, it was destroyed in the same fire that destroyed Rose and Nathan's home almost two years ago.

I've made a triangular crochet shawl of approximately the same shade of pink. While lovely and warm, it isn't quite big enough for what I wanted. It's a really nice wrap, however, and excellent if a little something is needed for a warm late spring/early summer afternoon to shield you from the breeze. It's just a very large half granny-square made with a US size F hook and about two balls of bright pink hand spun yarn that I was given as a gift a little while before I found out I was pregnant with my second child.

I'm considering knitting a shawl for myself and I found a pattern that is simple enough that I think I'm going to do it. I love the versatility of the end result of this pattern. I really like the idea that I can use it for more then one outfit and for a proverbial laundry list of different looks. It'll be interesting to see if I have enough of that absolutely stunning deep burgundy yarn that my mother-in-law gave me.

My first objective before I start on this project, however, is to use up my yarn stash. I believe I may just start that scarf for Beloved for Yule this year. It may work to use up that yarn stash better then making clothes for Cuddle-Bear's baby doll toy. I finished the blanket I was knitting for my friend Kevin's new baby. It is made with an incredibly simple pattern and two yarns together.

The yarns are a commercially made sport weight acrylic and a hand spun woolen yarn of approximately the same weight and incredibly soft texture. The pattern to knit this yarn can be done on any kind of needles. I used US size 10 knitting needles. You cast on 3 stitches and then knit one, increase, knit one, increase, and knit. In the next row, you purl in all of your stitches. The following row, knit one, increase, and then knit thru all but the last stitch. Increase and then knit your final stitch in the row. Purl all of the next row and then repeat the knit process of the row before. You continue this until your blanket is of the length you want it from the needle down to the point at where you started. Then, purl a row, knit a row and purl a row. Next you knit together the first two stitches of your row before knitting all but the last two stitches of the row. Knit together those last two stitches. Purl the next row and then in the following row knit as you did for the row before. Decrease until you have two stitches left on your needle. Cast off and you're finished with your baby blanket.

I had the audacity not to cast off but whip out my US size H crochet hook. I proceeded to chain five and then do a half double crochet into the first decrease I encountered on the edge. I chained two and did another half double into the next decrease. I continued this way until I reached where the three stitches didn't decrease or increase. Here, I chained two from the last half double crochet I worked and then did a double crochet into the knit row in the middle of that section. I chained two and then did a half double crochet into the first increase I encountered. I proceeded as I did for the previous side.

When I reached the point of the first increase for the whole blanket, I worked around that corner as I did for the corner previous. I proceeded around the remaining edges of the blanket in this fashion until I came back to where I started my crochet edging. From the final half double crochet I worked, I chained one and slip stitched into my chain of 3. I then chained three more, did a half double crochet into the slip stitch, and chained one. I worked my way around the edging doing two half double crochet stitches into where I had my openings from my earlier row with a single chain between each cluster. At the corners, I worked three chains to turn. When I got to my starting point for the row, I slip stitched into the chain and then tied off.

All that is left to finish this blanket is to wash and block it. I will need to write down washing instructions for this thing, but it's going to be a good blanket for this baby. It is nice and warm and knit in a stockinette stitch it has a good texture. One side is nice and smooth while the other is pleasantly nubby. Knit in the two yarns, it is also going to be nice and warm. I'll post a picture of this up when it blocking process is dry.

In other news, I finished spinning up my singles of the fluffy white Corridale wool that my mother-in-law gave me last spring. Now I need to ply it and then I'll be ready to work it up into something nice. I still have to finish spinning up the indigo dyed roving that she gave me then. I'm debating what I should make with that when it is done. I'll figure something good out, though.

Brownies = OMFG! WIIIIIIN!!!!

I made that recipe last night and it came out absolutely beautifully. It was a nice, dense brownie with excellent flavor and texture. Not too chewy and just absolutely perfect. Anybody who is considering taking the risk to do it you absolutely MUST make these brownies!

The teething biscuits didn't come out quite right. I'm going to try again, but I'm pretty sure that they're missing something. I may need to put more flour in it next time.

Hmm.... Perhaps the Times will help me learn math.

There is a series of opinion articles that I'm going to be following on the New York Times. In it, the author (a respected mathematics professor over at Cornell University) is giving an explanation of the concepts of mathematics for the lay man. I've got to say, I feel a tremendous sense of hope upon reading the first article of the series. I've always felt overwhelmed and troubled by the concept of numbers.

When I was a kid, I made the mistake of asking questions about number theory of my teachers in elementary school. Their rough dismissals combined with my being told to just accept things because it's the way they are worked to make numbers a troubling concept. Add to this things like multiplication confusing me and no one managing to help me understand it (because I'm being told just to memorize it), it makes it really difficult to become comfortable or even indifferent towards mathematics.

Throw in that at the time this was going on, my family was suffering the effects of poverty and I could see what not having enough money and making mistakes with money lead to.... Well, it takes numbers from an uncomfortable place to a terrifying place when I'm being told to think of my math problems as dealing with money. Working past the emotional associations, there is still the bad job that was done by others to educate me when I was a child.

I look back and I can see only one teacher who helped me understand mathematics. Mrs. Lewis was (possibly still is, if she hasn't retired) a special education teacher who worked with me for a long while to get me to understand fractions. It is directly due to her efforts that I can do at least a passable job of division. It is also directly due to her efforts that I was able to learn how to do algerbra because she used some of the basic ideas of it to help me understand division. If this series of articles can help me to learn how to do basic multiplication, perhaps I'll be able to learn the aspects of higher mathematics that have been eluding me over the last several years and I will finally be able to write up my theory.

Our government is a pack of idiots...

So, who else has had the opportunity to read some of the news about this lovely budget getting unveiled? Now, before some one says that I'm ranting because it is Obama or something else like that, I am firmly of the opinion that this is a case of 'meet the new boss, same as the old boss' like a lot of other things with the current administration. I'm ranting because this insanity of a multiple TRILLION DOLLAR DEFICIT is really irritating me.

If we citizens ran our finances the way that the federal government did, we'd be screwed. Same for the matter of state government, just look at California or New York state for examples of fiscal stupidity. The difference between the government and us citizens is really simple, they can strong arm more money out of us and we can't strong arm more money out of our employers. You know what this is closer to... It's more like we're dealing with some hack version of the Mob.

We're getting EXTORTED out of our money, people. Think about it, if the income tax didn't carry the penalty of fines and jail time (by the way, aren't the fines a little redundant?), do you think we'd be paying to the tune of almost a full third to nearly a half of our gross income in taxes? Don't believe me? Take a look at your next paycheck, you'll see what I'm talking about.

Oh, I know, you're going to say that things like Social Security and other such things are not taxes. Is the government taking your money? Is it a fine for breaking a law? Are you making a donation? No? Well, guess what, if it's not a fine and you're not making a charitable donation, it's a tax. Call it a fee or by any other name, it doesn't change what it is.

It's ok, however, because if we continue on the trend that we're going, the economy will collapse and we'll have Mad Max style anarchy, right?

Household Notebook (redux)

Last night, in my effort to avoid sleeping because I didn't want to deal with nightmares again, I did some work on that household notebook thing. I've got the different sections I want in it divided up. I'm going to be adding more separators later when I have things a bit more organized and such. At the moment I've got the following sections:

• Planning
• Phone
• Family
• Home Management
• Meals & Menus

The Planning section currently has a month at a glance calendar in it for the year, a schedule for myself and one for each of the boys. I am finding the regimentation of a written schedule is not working very well for me but it is working fairly well for the boys. I'm most likely going to replace the written schedule for me with a list of routines until I have a more accurate estimate of how long items take. Then, I'll be including the schedule for myself again. I hope to get a week at a glance calendar for this section as well, this way I can get the week planned out a bit more detailed then a few notes per day.

The Phone section is going to be getting reorganized. I started out with a list of emergency contacts followed by a list of family contacts. I'm going to sit down and re-prioritize that list. Obviously, the list of emergency contacts is going to be there on the front page of this section. This, however, is then going to be followed by an alphabetized list of frequently called numbers, additionally divided by if they're businesses, friends, or family. Obviously, there are going to be some numbers listed that don't get as many calls as others. That, however, isn't going to make too big of a difference, because of how it is going to be organized. I plan on using tabs to divide this section up.

The Family section is going to be divided up for each person. On the first page for each of our sections is going to be our full name, allergy list, and medical condition list. This way, god forbid, there is an emergency all of the major information like blood type and my medication allergies is really easy to find. A list of doctor visits is then going to follow this with the date, reason for appointment set up, diagnosis, and treatment. A part of me says it is overkill to do this, but then I look back over the last year and I can't help but feel that it is going to be extremely helpful to have this 'condensed' version of our medical history on hand.

I'm also going to be putting in the Family section things like what people's favorite colors are, clothing sizes, and food preferences. It's going to be pretty mercurial for the boys, but somethings may remain consistent for a while, like Cuddle-Bear's preference for sweet potatoes or Beloved's distaste for the combination of onions and tomato in pasta sauce. I realize that this is again going to seem like over kill but if Beloved needed to take care of things because I got terribly ill again in the future, I know that this is going to help him out.

It may seem counter intuitive, but the list of household rules is going to go under Home Management. It is just something that helps with how the house runs, thus, in my mind, it falls under the category of household management. There is going to be a subsection for chores assigned for each child (obviously Snuggle-Bug isn't big enough for chores yet, but when he is...) and chores divided up by each room. I like the suggested list of ideas for other things to go in this section on that OrganizedHome.com page about household notebooks.

I'm thinking about following their suggestions also on the Meals & Menus section. I'm pretty sure it would make Beloved's life a LOT easier if he could just look at a page and see what he needed to get at the grocery store on the occasions he is the one who goes out shopping. I know that it will make meal planning a lot easier. I am going to add one thing, however, to their list of things to put in that section. I'm going to put together a collection of recipes for the meals that we frequently have. This is going to be another thing for Beloved in case he needs to be in charge of things because I'm ill.

Of course, because I am planning around this possibility, I will never again be so horribly ill. It'll just be how it happens because when ever you plan for something like that it doesn't happen and you feel foolish until you start being lazy. THEN everything goes to hell and your back-up plan fails because you got lazy. :P Not that I have ever had anything like that happen to me before...