Shoveling from a sitting position.

It has been a week of a lot of writing. I am on one hand pleased with all the progress I have made. At the same time, I keep catching myself worrying that I am going to run out of things to say. I am doing my best to just put those worries into my little 'box' and set it aside for the gods to deal with. There is getting to be a bit of a pile of proverbial boxes. It makes me glad that they're not physical things because I would have a stack a few feet high by now.

The other thing I keep putting into my boxes is the negative self talk. It has been pretty hard. I didn't realize how much I did that until I started actively monitoring what I was saying to myself. I discovered that when I am depressed, I am truly horrible to myself. I felt guilty for it when I realized it. Then it was explained to me that it was how I was taught to treat myself. It helped some to hear that. I am trying not to let myself get caught up in guilt over it. So, the guilt is going into a box as well.

I have a big pile of laundry waiting to be dealt with. I haven't folded a thing yet today. I just didn't feel up to it. I am going to try to get some done this evening after dinner, provided that Cuddle Bear doesn't have homework tonight. I am trying to steel myself for how tiring this weekend is going to be. My freezer is so full, I can't prep a meal and keep it in there to pop in the oven later. It is not a bad problem to have, but it is a little exasperating.

I am hoping that the weather will be decent over the weekend. The boys have a four day weekend this weekend. I am going to try to get them down to their friends's house. It has been a little while since we have visited them. With the cold weather coming, visiting gets a bit tricky because the one sidewalk in town doesn't get cleared off. And yet the paths at the park are shoveled? I don't understand that but I'm not going to try to make sense of what the local government is up to.

I'm making progress on losing weight. I just realized I hadn't said anything about this in a few months. I'm down 20 pounds. I have dropped two pants sizes and I can fit into a lot of my clothes from before I got pregnant. I am about fifteen pounds away from my goal weight. I think I might just manage to meet my goal of being 150lbs by the end of the year.

Grandma K.'s Recipe for Apple Crisp

As a kid, I asked for apple crisp for my birthday just about every year. I still love the stuff as an adult. While there are a lot of really great recipes for it out there, I have to say that the best one I've ever had was Grandma K.'s version. I don't remember if this is something that was handed down from Great-grandma but I know this is not one of those 'secret family recipes' that I'm not exactly supposed to share. You can use just about any variety of apple in this. I like to use Granny Smith apples but I have also used Pink Lady and Red Delicious. Serve this warm with a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream on top and you get the experience I had as a kid at Grandma's house.

Barb's Apple Crisp

Ingredients

• 5 cups peeled, cored, and sliced apples
• 1/2 cup butter
• 3/4 cup flour
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/4 cup water

Steps

1.  Preheat your oven to 350^o.

2. Grease a 1 1/2 quart casserole dish. Place apples in it and sprinkle with water.

3. Cut remaining ingredients into butter until coarse crumbs. Spread evenly over apples.

4. Bake for 30 minutes or until the top is brown.

Serves 8 -10 people.

Spinning Raspberry fluff.

I've been working on this pink fiber. I have a batt of it. It was a really big one. So I split it into two and wrapped one half around my distaff. It is working out fairly well. I'm spinning it on my Ashfort Student spindle. I am giving it a Z-twist. I haven't decided if I am going to ply it with a Z-twist as well. I have decided, however, that I am going to spin the other half of the batt the same way I am spinning this one. I will be plying both skeins together.

On the crochet front, I completed a baby blanket for my cousin's new baby. I'd post a picture but it is put by safely until I pack it. I am trying to keep it clean and out of any possible irritants this way she doesn't have to worry about any allergic reactions for the baby. The baby blanket is the most basic of patterns. I used baby sport weight yarn. My first two and last two rows were done with a size H hook and the body between was done with a J hook. The visual interest of the blanket was in the yarn's colors. I was actually using up ends of skeins so I had multiple balls of yarn tied together with the ends hidden in the crochet where one began and the other ended.

Chain 95 st.
R1: Sc all st, chain three to turn.
R2: Dc in all st. Change to J hook. Chain 3 to turn.
R3: Dc in all st.
R4 - 51: Repeat R3. Switch to H hook. Chain 3 to turn.
R52: Dc in all st.
R53: Sc in all st. Break yarn after final st.

Knitting wise, I am still working on that basic top down shawl. I am also still working on Beloved's sweater. It is hard to hold them up and picture them with the laptop. I will get a picture of these two projects a bit later today and upload them via the camera and the desktop computer.

The shawl is a super simple pattern. I am knitting it with Caron's Simply Soft Paints in the Ocean colorway. Here's the shawl pattern. It is a minor alteration from the one I found on Ravelry. That one was entirely knit. The last shawl I knit in garter stitch, I got bored a quarter of the way through. This time, I'm using stockinette stitch, which keeps me a bit more interested.

CO: 5
R1: K across
R2: P across
R3: K1, yo, k2, yo, place marker, k, place marker, yo, k2, yo, k1
R4: P across
R5: knit first stitch, yo, knit to 1 st before marker, yo, move marker, k, move marker, yo, knit to 1 st before end, yo, knit final st.
R6: P across

Continue alternating rows 5 and 6 until shawl is desired length. After final purl row, knit one row. Bind off knitwise. Block.

Beloved's sweater is the sleeveless sweater pattern from WWI that was published by the Red Cross. It was printed in Piecework last fall. If you want to see what it looks like, check out the wonderful stuff on this blog. I had to adapt the pattern some because Beloved is a larger man. Still, it was really easy to adapt the pattern. I have, however, one problem. I'm five inches into making the back and I am already bored. I'm tempted to rip it out and crochet something to the same dimensions. Then I remember how many hours it took to get that done and I find myself reluctant to do it. I'm making it in royal blue sport weight yarn. I think it is something from Bernat but I'm not sure. I don't have the ball band to check what brand the yarn is.

Ready for Work

Just derping around and writing about cartomancy.

I've actually been up all morning. I've accomplished a few things. I wrote some posts on my book writing blog, Tales of Evandar. I was really satisfied with how the one talking about my love of writing turned out. It always makes me happy to share the stuff I geek out over. I also think the one talking about wildlife came out fairly well.

On my blog The Veiled Witch, I got the first post about cartomancy up. It is linked under the picture to the right. I thought about writing up the meanings of the pip cards and decided not to. Because a lot of other people have written tons about it. So I found a good site with great information and linked to it. This week's post about cartomancy is focused on using playing cards. I am fond of using playing cards because that was what I learned to read cards from. I clearly remember the day of my first lesson.

I was in sixth grade and one of the older girls in study hall had a pack of cards. I was curious as to what she was doing because it looked like a form of solitaire I had never seen. And I was confused as to why she had so many people talking to her. This girl apparently learned to read cards from her mother and was using her skills for fun and profit. (Because after the first week of doing readings for free, she charged a dollar a reading. Amazingly, she never got caught by the study hall monitor.) She showed me the basics of how to do cartomancy with a pack of playing cards. I was always impressed with how accurate she was and decided she was really awesome because of it.

Now that I've got my blog posts for the day done, I'm considering doing some dishes. I am also debating writing something for Triond. I am not sure what to write, though. It seems that my posts of open letters to Loki got a lot of reads this month. Enough so that the amount waiting for me there jumped from around $5 to $20. It has me reconsidering my ban on writing for Triond.

Me and the Kids!

We're all out in the front yard right now. I have my laptop in tow. So I decided to take a picture to show you who the boys are that I have been talking about. On the left is Snuggle Bug. He is six years old and in first grade this year. Snuggle Bug is a lot of mischief and a lot of fun (most of the time). There is myself in the middle. I made that snood I'm wearing. I'll post the pattern and a better picture of it sometime later today. And on the right is Cuddle Bear. He is eight years old and in third grade. Cuddle Bear is a very active kid who is often thinking up the mischief that Snuggle Bug gets into. 

But, here they are, my pride and joy.

Sunday morning, what is it good for?

My kids have been wired from the get-go. I have no idea where they get all this energy. A part of me wants some of it. Another part of me just wants it to be calm and quiet. I didn't get much done this morning. I am coming to accept that my days for getting stuff done are monday thru friday, with the exception of the kids's vacation days from school. I am not entirely pleased with it because I feel like I've got a ton of stuff that I could be doing right now, but I am attempting to enjoy the experience of my children being small.

My kitchen is a disaster. I suppose this is what happens when you don't do dishes for 48 hours and you have 4 people in your household. I think I am going to take the table cloth off the table and wash it with the towels today. I have another one I can put down, so that won't be a problem. I'll probably clean the fish tank when I am dealing with the table cloth. I keep forgetting to clean it over the last two weeks, so the tank is kinda a mess right now.

Speaking of things I keep forgetting, I keep forgetting to measure my youngest's bike tires so that I can pick up new ones at the store. The back one kept getting soft over the summer. Now it is completely flat and no amount of air will keep it inflated. I have to say, though, it lasted pretty well for a third hand bike. Actually, now that I think about it, it technically is fourth hand. The boys's friend R. had the bike two summer's ago. His mother picked it up at a yard sale.

Then R. got a new bike and the old one was given to Cuddle Bear. Cuddle Bear out grew the bike, so it got passed down to Snuggle Bug. Now, Snuggle Bug is eyeing Cuddle Bear's bike. I think he is planning to take it over next summer. And that won't be too bad, because Cuddle Bear has almost out grown it. It is funny, the bike that Snuggle Bug has now lasted Cuddle Bear two summers. Now he's almost outgrown the bike he got last summer for his birthday.

Ah housework.

I'm presently sitting out in the front yard (with the laptop) and listening to the boys play in the dirt. I kinda want to just stay out here and chill. They're behaving pretty good. The neighbors are not being obnoxious. (I think they got that out of their system last night with the screaming argument at 9:30pm.) And the weather is pretty pleasant. I mean, even the mosquitoes are not too bad right now.

I totally do not want to go inside and start work on cleaning dishes and prepping to cook dinner. At the same time, paying bills this afternoon has me thinking I don't want to spend the money on buying a pizza today. It is pizza night and I know there would be a small revolt if I didn't have pizza for the kids to eat. I, honestly, am getting bored with pepperoni pizza.

Still, this is what we have on Friday nights. Just like Mondays are burger night and Tuesdays are tatertot bake night. I a getting bored with the menu. Everyone else in the house seems to be enjoying it, though. So, I'm reluctant to make any changes to it. I just want something... different. Having home cooked chinese food earlier this week was ok. That sauce was WAAAAY too hot for me, though. So I pretty much had pan fried chicken with broccoli and a bit of soy sauce on it with rice.

Beloved suggested that we have indian food for dinner earlier this week. And the day I had it planned out was the day that he didn't get to eat anything until 5pm. So, there was no point to making it. Because the kids are not exactly adventurous with their food choices. And I didn't want to deal with fighting to get them to eat anything. I know this is the challenge of making menus and cooking dinner for a household with small children.

Most days, I am pretty indifferent to it all. But tonight, I find myself wishing for something more unusual. Like a veggie pizza with artichoke, green peppers, olives, and hot peppers, on a white sauce with extra cheese. But,I know that would be a pizza that only I would eat. So, I never order it when the idea or the craving for it hits me. I don't think I am going to make indian food for Beloved and I tonight, because I don't want all the extra pots to wash.

So, we're having pepperoni pizza with cheese tonight. At least I have a pizza peel so I can get the pizza out of the oven with out burning myself this time. (I have a little scar on my left hand from where I burned it on the oven door a few months ago. Second degree burns suck, y'all.)

Yay fiber!

Here is a picture of one of my latest fiber finds. It is a super soft blend of 50% merino wool, 25% bamboo, and 25% silk. If you can't tell in the picture, it is a lovely range of grey that I think looks like storm clouds. I bought it thinking about spinning it up nice and fine to make a snood and add to a scarf that I started with the pink blend of this stuff that my mother in law gave me a few years back. I picked it up at Finger Lakes Fiber Festival on Sunday (9/20/15). I love the way this stuff feels in my hand. It is really wonderful.

Why must adulting be such a pain?

Yep, I went there. I have been feeling unwell. Lots of exhaustion and depression. I'm still working on ferreting out what started this depressive episode. My thought when I was a kid was that being an adult meant no restrictions and that I could do whatever I dreamed of without critical commentary. Now, I look around and I find that I have critical commentary going on at the back of my mind. I have restrictions from my illnesses. It is a disappointment, to be honest.

I have also been spending a lot of time doing as this one meme said: being tired, wondering why your back hurts, and worrying about my bank account. I realize that as a kid, I romanticized being an adult. I am working very hard not to romanticize the past, because there is a lot that really shouldn't be romanticized. I just feel like I'm losing my edge because I'm getting old. And then I get ticked off with myself for feeling that way because I'm turning 38, not 88 this year.

Considerations.

I just peeked at my account at Triond. Apparently there is twenty-one dollars and change sitting there waiting for me. I need to have fifty dollars before they send me a check. I looked over the statistics for the last year and noticed that my posts were starting to get readership over the last few months. As in, one post had over a hundred hits. It has me considering if I want to start posting on there again. I know the format is still somewhat buggy.

Still, there is potential for making a little money via posts. I know that I have about seven blogs I have out on the internet. I am seriously considering combining a few of them. I also am looking at what I have been producing and trying to decide just where I want to go with this. I know that I tend to write very specialized stuff. It lands me in niche markets that don't get very wide readership.

As I look at the trends that pop up on Facebook, I am wondering if I should start writing things to those trends. I am unsure of how to approach this. If I start posting again on Triond, I don't know how much readership it will get because Triond isn't very high ranking. I don't want to argue myself out of this but I want to make the right decision. The fact that I have a little money waiting for me at Triond after not writing anything on there for a year makes me think that perhaps I should resume writing for that format again.

I want to write stuff that gets read but I struggle to figure out where my efforts are best focused. I think that if I am going to write for Triond, I am going to stay within one subject area. The scattered shot focus that I had before contributed to my frustration with Triond. I want to get my work out there but I can't figure out what to do. My fiction is where a lot of my strength lies but it is hard to get much readership with out having a recognizable name behind it. I just can't figure out what to do. And that is a big part of my problem.

I hate allergies.

I know it is autumn when my allergies go nuts. The last two days have been particularly bad. I am feeling a bit spaced out right now and I suspect it is because of the Benadryl I took earlier. I think it is the goldenrod that I'm allergic to because when they started blooming, my sinuses started bothering me. Now, most of the goldenrod around my apartment building is done blooming. Still, I feel like my sinuses are packed with wool and my eyes itch horribly.

Today was particularly unpleasant because my mold allergies jumped into the mix. Unlike my other allergies, the mold one makes me have an asthma attack. One of our landlord's employees was here doing repairs in the lower level. The floor was rotting out and there was a very strong, pervasive odor of mold. So, when the guy showed up and ripped up the carpet, he found a LOT of mold. I wasn't aware of this until I stepped out into the entryway and the overwhelming stench of mold hit me. About five minutes later, I was starting to wheeze. To say the least, I used my inhaler.

I don't know if having new flooring down there and new carpeting is going to resolve the mold issues. I sincerely hope they do. Because it has been an established problem in this building since we've moved in, if not longer. Talking with some of my neighbors, the trailers have had problems with mold as well. I know that the current landlord bought the problems along with the buildings. I know that much of these issues come from the slap dash way that the previous landlord handled maintenance. It still doesn't change the fact that this is a problem that needs to be resolved and I'm not exactly happy that it has taken months for the floor problem got handled.

A side from this, I am disappointed that my not feeling well got in the way of going out and seeing friends. I don't trust myself not to have wooziness problems for the rest of the day. I am not entirely sure if the wooziness was due to the Benadryl or of I'm coming down with something. I hope that I'll be doing better tomorrow. My mother in law will be stopping over to bring me with her to the Finger Lakes Fiber Festival. I'm not sure what exactly I'll be up there aside from looking at fun stuff. I've put aside a little bit of money to spend on something fun.

First post!

Well, I am still getting used to this keyboard. Still, here is my first post ever from my new laptop. I am having some frustration trying to find an older version of MS Office that would  be compatible with the version running on the desktop computer. It turns out that I would have to buy Office 356 in order to get MS Word. That really annoys me.

Quite a few of my fellow writers in the NaNoWriMo group on Facebook have been recommending Scrivner. I haven't had the chance to really do anything like look at it yet. Beloved has a copy of it on his machine. I may ask him to load it on mine. I don't know. The only reason why I want Word is because all of my other stuff is in that format and I am roughly familiar with how to use it. Also, the self publishing programs that I work with accept that format. I know that with out any doubt. I don't know how Scrivner would save documents or how it would effect my ability to self publish my work.

I am totally unfamiliar with Google Docs. I'll be using it soon as part of a collaborative writing project in the near future. I am a touch nervous about that. While Google has an excellent reputation for the security of their programs, I feel uncomfortable with the idea that it could get hacked. Still, one of my friends who is Mr. Privacy (This may become a new nickname. The other option is Mr. Pervy.), feels that the platform is secure enough for us to use.

I am going to stop this post now because how small the font appears to be on the screen is bothering my eyes. Something else I am going to have to figure out how to resolve. My goal, however, is to eventually get to writing actual novels on here rather than just blog posts. Blog posts, however, are going to be how I get familiar with this keyboard and the device as a whole. So look for more with potential misspellings and funny spacing.

Hanging in there.

It has been a busy week. We had some behavioral issues with Cuddle Bear. I'm not entirely sure what to do. We're trying out this rotating toys out and seeing if this resolves the 'I want new toys, so I am going to take them.' I am running out of ideas. We've grounded him but that made no real effect on his behavior. We've taken away toys for a while. But that just hasn't worked either. We've told him that if he kept stealing, that we were going to give away one of his favorite toys. He did it again, so one of his garbage trucks is now going away. (It's going to be the broken one.)

I have been working on Beloved's sweater and have only 5 inches knit on the back of the sweater. It makes me concerned that I won't have it done in time to give it to him for Yule. My plan to knit sweaters for the boys has been scratched because I'm only 4 hrs into working on this sweater. It is going to take me quite a while to get this thing done. I have been feeling like I bit off more than I can chew. I am worried that the rest of my Yule gifts will have to be purchased at this rate.

I am slowly cleaning up my notes and organizing my materials from my multi-volume book of shadows. I don't know where this is going to go. I have a ridiculous amount of stuff and I'm somewhat overwhelmed by it all. I didn't realize how much writing I had done on this matter until I started to organize it. And I still have piles of research that I've done to organize and write up that I am finding in with my notes. I suppose I keep my nose to the grindstone and I'll eventually get it all done.

Why am I so tired?

I thought that with the beginning of school, I would magically have more energy. Instead, I have been feeling more exhausted than I was during the summer. I was so tired I was stumbling this morning when it was time to put the kids on the bus. I took the opportunity that was presented by the kids being at school and fell back asleep as soon as Beloved was out the door and on his way to work. I slept for 3 hours and awoke feeling a bit groggy but no longer like I was going to fall over my own feet.

After I woke up from my nap, I took a short walk. I thought it would be refreshing. Instead, it was just taking a walk and not really anything else. Once I got home, I started cleaning. It took me about 2 hours to get the kitchen mostly clean. I had the boys clean up the living room and their bed room. It was like trying to bathe a cat. All but impossible and extremely frustrating. Right now, they're screwing around and being loud. I just looked over and saw that they dumped out their toy box. The room was clean for literally 15 minutes until they dumped it out.

A part of me wants to weep with frustration. I have been trying so hard to keep this place clean enough so that I could walk through with out stepping on something. But as soon as it is clean, the boys dump stuff out and I'm stepping on things again. I try to stay on top of the housework but I get so tired, so worn out and feeling hopeless, that it just piles up as I stare at it and quietly wonder how I landed in this situation. I suppose you could describe what I'm feeling is quiet desperation, though I don't know what I am desperate for.

I applied for disability a little while back. I got their decision in the mail today. It was upsetting and I keep trying to look for a bright side but I can't find it. They denied my application. They said that the information from my doctors wasn't enough and that my four hospitalizations didn't count. And they've said that I am beyond the window of time where I could apply again. Basically, Social Security said no and they're not going to talk to me. I am trying to take it as a sign that I'm not as bad as I could be. But I just come away feeling defeated and upset.

It didn't help that it happened while I wasn't feeling well. I know I should be seeing my therapist more often but even with the fee reduction, we really can't afford my going as often as I was. Right now, I still have a past due amount of almost $200 from when they initially did the rate change and I was in limbo not knowing if my application to have my fee reduced was going to be applied or prorated to include the time I was on the hook for the full amount.

I feel like I need to do something to bring in more money. Beloved tells me that my not having a job out of the house is not the problem. He tells me that I save us tons of money being home with the kids and taking care of all the household stuff. I try to remember it. But then I screw up the check book and suddenly we have huge overdraft fees and the balancing game of paying the bills gets completely screwed up. When my student loan was forgiven at the end of last year, I knew it was going to change how much our health insurance is going to cost. Because we are not going to have that debt hanging over our heads, the amount of credits given to us to help reduce the cost of the health insurance are going to go down. I am afraid that the cost of the insurance will double and we won't be able to afford it. The mess that is the ACA health insurance stuff, I was burned a bit by it last year. I was with BlueCross/BlueShield last year. Then, when it was time to renew my premium suddenly jumped to $800 a month compared to the $50 it was before. I am afraid of that happening again.

With out health insurance, my medication is prohibitively expensive. We burned through all of our savings on the cost of medications. We're trying to rebuild that but it is slow going. There is so much about this mess that I just don't understand, other than everything is expensive. I panic some when I think about it. This is one of the things that keeps me up at night. I wish I wasn't so afraid of interacting with unfamiliar people or of rejection. This way I could get my foot in the door on professional writing stuff. Gods, I hate my anxiety. I wish it would just go away so I could do stuff like I did before this Bipolar business began. At least then I could manage it somewhat. Now, it shakes me around like a terrier with a rag doll.

Victim blaming is bullshit.

What do these four memes have in common? 1. They're pseudo spirituality/philosophy. 2. They're surprisingly popular. 3. They blame victims and imply that the victim is in collusion with that which is victimizing them. To say this makes me angry is like saying that Vesuvius only popped a little smoke when it buried Pompeii. To say that this makes me disgusted is like saying that the Atlantic is a bit damp. Now, some may look at these memes and say, "I don't see the blaming? It's something uplifting and stuff."

You can take things and make them look acceptable and pleasant. These memes are beautifully composed with an elegant type font, most of the time. Some come with stunning pictures (no.4) and some come with charming ones (no.1). Appearance does not add legitimacy. They are as false as the memes putting Adolph Hitler's quotes with Taylor Swift's pictures.*  We're going to break these memes down one by one. Brace for a wall of text coming soon.

Meme No. 1: Image - a 'stained glass' heart done in shades of red and pinks on a grey background with a ruby colored border. Text - You do not attract what you want. You attract what you are.

Problem number one with this meme is it places the onus of responsibility for all events happening on the reader. In the case of happy or pleasant events, the reader believes themselves to be good and a happy person. In the case of hostile and distressing, if not traumatic events, the reader believes themselves to be a person who is hostile and distressing (if not abusive). Additionally, the meme encourages what psychologists call magical thinking** and leads the person to believe they are responsible for the events that happen to them. It sets them up for the scenario of insanely high self expectations because they believe that they must change who they are to prevent the hostile and distressing experiences from happening.

Problem number two with this meme is that it is generally taken to be affirmative of the 'good' interpretations. There is no consideration for the alternate views, which are equally valid because they're built upon the same premise.  It encourages outsiders to tell the person in the situation that they are solely responsible for what has happened, thereby reinforcing the dangerous message of this meme and encouraging the outsiders to take a position of false security. Consider the following scenario: person A is in an impoverished state. Person B perpetuates meme no.1. Person B then moves on to other circumstances falsely believing that this 'gem of wisdom' they have provided person A with a solution to their problem and believes themselves to be absolved of the responsibility they have to person A as per the social contract that implicitly tells them that they must provide assistance when in their means to those who have need of it.

In the case of poverty, this is a rather disgusting scenario.  This is related ideologically to the 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' meme, by the way. In both cases, the meme places the onus of resolving the problem solely upon the victim by way of the passerby denying the demand of the social contract that says they should assist the victim. This can be especially dangerous in cases of abuse and violence. It can add to a victims sense of despair and guilt, which work to keep them psychologically trapped in the abuse cycle.

Meme No. 2: Image - Male figure, back lit by the sky, looking upon an ocean scene. Image is in black and white, with greater emphasis upon the white elements of the picture due to composition. Text - Never blame anyone in your life. Good people give you happiness. Bad people give you experience. Worst people give you a lesson. And the best people give you memories.

This is one that made me so angry I started to feel a little bit sick when my eyes lit on it. My first argument is with this idea that blame is somehow wrong and to be shunned. Blame is another word for demanding someone take accountability for their actions. It is how we seek redress of our grievances. Yes, it can be used in a fashion to imprint the idea that a certain individual is responsible for circumstances that they did not create. It is a bit of situational irony that this meme does just that with how it is constructed. It oversimplifies people into four arbitrary categories. And those categories don't make sense.

You can gain experience from interacting with a good person. A bad person can at times give you happiness. Those kinds of experiences come from all walks of life and all kinds of people. Memories are formed every time you experience something. The strength of emotion and the force of the experience is what determines which memories are lasting. And lessons... Oh, lessons are everywhere. But not everything is a lesson.

Sometimes terrible things happen because people choose to do them. I guess if you stretch the concept a little bit, the lesson you get from that is to stay away from those sort of people. But that turns into the victim avoiding people who are not necessarily the ones that do terrible things. And the assumption that the people who do terrible things are something obvious like Snidely Whiplash. A better version of the people who do awful things would be Delores Umbridge. She looks and seems to be a pleasant person. Until she decides not to be. And this idea that the worst people are teaching someone a lesson makes it sound like the victim *needed* to go through the experience. No one needs to be victimized. If you argue that victimizing someone is a tolerable way to teach them something, you are well on the road to being a monster yourself.

Meme No. 3: Image - Grey background, upon close inspection looks to be Aida fabric. Text - A negative thinker sees a difficulty in every opportunity. A positive thinker sees an opportunity in ever difficulty.

Ok, my argument with this is grounded in two things. First, your attitude has literally no reflection upon the circumstances you are in. You can be pessimistic and still be standing in a rain storm. You can be an optimist in the SAME rain storm. That rain may pose a difficulty to both persons regardless of their opinions or feelings about it. If you're going to say that your feelings can cause rain to fall, you need to look long and hard at the statement and consider if you're going to commit to it. Because that opens up a whole different can of worms. Some magic(k) practitioners I know and a few govt. agencies are going to want to have a conversation with you.

The assumption that opportunity is a good thing has always irritated me. The word opportunity is defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as:

1:  a favorable juncture of circumstances opportunity

for rest and refreshment>

2:  a good chance for advancement or progress

No where does it say it is a good thing. That favorable juncture of circumstances can apply to everything from growing flowers, violent crime, and the timing of hurricane landfall to cause the greatest amount of damage.

So, in brief, my argument with meme no.3 is that it is placing the onus of being responsible for the situation upon the mental and emotional state of the observer. It implies that positive situations arise because of positive mental and emotional states. And that negative situations arise because of the negative equivalent. It also paints a false picture of what opportunity means. It doesn't mean that the situation with suddenly transform from the proverbial rain that the optimist and the pessimist are standing it to a bright sunny day if the pessimist becomes and optimist or a howling blizzard if the optimist becomes a pessimist.

Meme No. 4: Image - A lush fantasy scene featuring mountains in the foreground and a celestial body (possibly a satellite but equally possible to be another planet) in shades of red and white, with touches of deep purple. Text - Accept what arises in this moment and surrender to it. Enjoy it and see that it is you. Everything that arises is your awareness - It is you - but you can sculpt what goes on. You can sculpt the human experience when you accept what is. Become aware of what is now and step back.

This meme is a mishmash of concepts. Some useful, some not so useful, and some that are dangerous. Let's start with the useful concept presented here. Becoming aware of what circumstances you are in and pausing to reflect before engaging in action is a wise thing to do. I don't have argument with this concept that the meme is presenting. I think they worded it too vaguely but I think that is because of all the other concepts they try to hang off of it.

Accepting a situation and surrendering to it is not a good standard operating procedure. There are times where you simply can not accept a situation, because accepting implies that it is tolerable and there are things in this world that are intolerable, things that would be lethal if you simply accepted and surrendered to it. It's a fast way to die of hypothermia, for example. Encouraging us to enjoy the moments we experience is foolish optimism. There are going to be experiences you are not going to enjoy. They're going to be ugly, painful, and quite possibly traumatic. You need to acknowledge this fact, not try to hide it behind some blissed out argument that we should 'enjoy the moment.'

You are not the situation. You are not the moment. You are an observer. You are a participant. You may be a victim. To say that you are the situation and/or the moment robs you of your autonomy. And more repulsively, presents that you are the one victimizing yourself. The assailant is completely absolved of responsibility from this worldview because according to the worldview, the assailant is part of you. The only circumstance where you can have the assailant be part of you is if you are engaging in self harming behavior. That is literally the only circumstance that can happen.

The supposedly empowering statement that we can 'sculpt' human experience is pablum. There is no real density to this statement. Yes, we can make choices and we can, to some extent, choose how we feel or what our reactions to a situation are. But we have no control over the total experience. There will always be factors beyond our ability to quantify that are going to impact each moment. And 99.9% of the time, all of the external factors are ones that we have limited control over, at best. But that limited control can fail because of yet other external factors. We can set the thermostat to 72^o and the heater can break or the temperatures outside be of such a high difference from indoors that the thermostat setting does not reflect the ambient temperature of a room. If we can not have complete control over indoor heating, why would anyone think in their wildest dreams that they have complete control over anything.***

The worst thing about these four memes is that people trot them out on a daily basis and use similar ones to present this picture that we are in control of the world and our minds, that 'bad' and 'worst' people are recognizable immediately, and that victims are victims because they choose to be. No one chooses to be victimized. Let's drop this feel good bullshit, because it only makes other people feel good about turning a blind eye to the inhumanities of the world.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
* This site is absolutely brilliant satire. There is also one out there putting Taylor Swift quotes on pictures of Hitler. That is equally hilarious. If your sense of humor is as bent as mine.

** Yes, I am a witch. Yes, I perform magic(k) but this is entirely different. The magic(k) that I perform is not based in assumptions that I am the primary cause of all events happening to me.

*** Yes, I recognize the irony of my stating this given my difficulties with the urge to control EVERYTHING about myself.

Pushing forward.

I haven't been feeling well. After several months of feeling relatively well, I find myself sliding into a depressive episode. Growing anxiety, paranoia, and depression make it harder for me to go out of the house and do stuff. It makes me look at the stuff I have been working on and feel despair over finishing it. A part of me is angry because I feel like I've been robbed of something good and wonderful.

That anger is part of what keeps me pushing forward. A part of me growls 'I'm not done yet." at the part of me that says I should give up on everything. I am beginning to suspect, however, that the anger is keeping me from dealing with the vital elements of my condition that impact my life. I can't just ignore my problems sleeping. I can't just ignore when I skip meals because I don't have the heart to make myself eat. I can't insist that I am fine when I'm slowly falling apart.

I don't know what to do about this anger. I don't know what to do about how my mood keeps steadily dropping. I have so much that I wanted to do as soon as the kids went back to school. Now I find myself ready to throw in the towel on it before I have even reached the threshold. And that makes me feel ashamed and a little sick.

Knitting and stuff.

I have been busy working on projects. I started a sweater for Beloved. I haven't worked on it much because I'm honestly rather bored with it. The back is going to be straight up garter stitch. I have many rows to go until I'm at the shoulders and I can switch to a pattern of some sort. He was kinda difficult to get an answer as to if he wanted cables on it. That is part of the reason why it took so long to get started on this.

I am adapting a pattern from Piecework's last issue. That is a pattern that dates from World War I and was distributed by the Red Cross for civilians to knit up as doing their part for the war effort. I had to change the dimensions of the sweater because as it was written it would have been two sizes too small for Beloved. He expressed a desire for the sweater to not be 'boring' and that lead to my trying to pry out of him what he meant by not boring. My plan, as it stands now, is to knit up the back in garter stitch. The front will have alternating rows of garter and stockinette stitch. There will be a center panel with a knotwork design on it. I am debating drawing out the knotwork design on paper and converting it into a knitting pattern or if I am going to use a cable that I saw in my big book of knitting stitches.


I have started a new anxiety project. This is something I work on when I'm feeling anxious. It is a basic top down shawl. The pattern called for it to be in garter stitch but I've been doing it in stockinette because I prefer the smooth feeling of stockinette.

I have three balls of this colorway. I expect it will be enough to make a fair sized shawl. I don't know if I am going to keep it or not. Beloved has expressed appreciation of the colorway. He looked at me like I had lost my mind when I said he could have it when I was done. So, I guess I'll have to get someone else to take it.

Then there is my anniv. gift to Beloved. It isn't finished but it will be a messenger bag. I'm going to line it with blue felt. If I can find it in royal blue, that would be fantastic. I haven't decided how I am going to make the strap. The last messenger bag I made, I did a basic crochet strap and it stretched out a LOT. I don't know if Tunisian crochet will work for this or not. I was amused, however, that Beloved didn't realize I was crocheting this for him until I hit the point where I knew it wouldn't be done in time for our anniv. When I hit that point, I decided I'd tell him what it was and that I'm trying to finish it up quickly. This Friday (9/4) marks 11 years of marriage.

Plurality of Love

I am always horrified and repulsed when someone says that they couldn't possibly have another child because they 'don't have enough love in their heart for more children.' This idea that love is a scarce resource has always repulsed me. People have this false idea that romantic relationships should be monogamous because they 'can't' love more than one person. It is one thing to be monogamous because that is what works for you.

Loving one person versus loving many people is a bullshit argument. I love my husband and I love my children. Right there, I am loving more than one person. Love is something that we can hold for many, many people to varying degrees. Romantic love is different from familial love which is different from platonic love. But here's the crazy idea, all of these forms of love are different on the basis of context and expression. That feeling of love is still there otherwise we wouldn't call it love.

I was talking with my old friend K. from high school who mentioned her repulsion with that idea I mentioned at the beginning of this post. We talked about it for a minute and decided that it was a complete cop out. If you don't want more children, own that shit. You don't need to justify yourself to anybody. If you don't want to be polyamorous, own it. Again, there is no reason to justify yourself.

Love is love. It is separate from how big your family is, how many friends you have, who your lover(s) are, or how much shit you own. We need to stop conflating love and its context. It is lazy and irresponsible. It also sets up this horrible standard that love can only manifest in X number of forms if you are Y type of person in Z situation. Love doesn't depend on the context. Love happens on its own. It is like water. It may take the shape of the container it is in (the context) but it is not the same thing as what is holding it.

And the glorious thing about love is that unlike water, the more you give away, the more you have. It is a self renewing resource. Emotional investment is a tricky thing. We can get exhausted from emotional investment but it doesn't negate the emotions. If I have learned anything from this bullshit with bipolar that I have been dealing with for the last six years, I have learned that emotion is separate from context. Correlation does not equate causation.

Yes, there are a great many things that can provoke an emotional response, given the correct context. That, however, is a case of you responding to stimuli and then interpreting it in an emotional context. Let's think about it for a second. The physical symptoms of the body's arousal response are all pretty much the same. The limbic system for humans is more or less the same for each human and does the same thing, most of the time. The frontal cortex processes the stimuli as it hits the limbic system. For a moment, all you've got is the physical response to the stimulus. But, depending on how the frontal cortex processes the situation, that response can be fear, anger, excitement, anxiety, sexual arousal, or something entirely different.

Love is the same set of sensations every time. That's how we identify it from other emotions. The context helps us assess what is provoking that response. It can be the face of our child, the face of our lover, the sight of a pet, a favorite item, or anything else you can possibly have that stimulates that response. Yes, the process that the love response comes from is somewhat more complex than that of the fight-or-flight response. It doesn't change the fact that it is the same response for different stimuli.

Damn near anything can provoke a fight-or-flight response given the correct context. Why can't anyone figure out that it is the same thing with love?

Considering shorts.

Earlier this week, I read an erotica short that was kicking around on the Kindle that Beloved gave me a while back. As I read this thing, I was struck by two things. The first that hit me was how the writing wasn't all that great (mediocre at best) and yet they still got paid. The second thing that hit me was how short the thing was. It was a lot like reading one of the scenes I was writing on my other blog. It has been on the back burner for months now.

It isn't that I was embarrassed by what I was writing. It wasn't that I was burned out. The problem was I had no idea what to do next or where to go with that project. The lack of feedback that happens with my blogging makes it hard to keep posting material. It gets to a point where I wonder if I should just resume putting everything into notebooks. Still, seeing this bit of erotica Sunday afternoon got me to thinking.

I can write better material than that. I do on a regular basis with my rough drafts. It doesn't look like it would be too difficult to produce material for it and self-publishing is pretty easy with e-books. I think the real challenge would be covers. I don't have a budget for snazzy covers. A part of me toys with the idea of using some of my sketches for it but then I question if the quality of my sketches is strong enough for that. The other thought is to start doing abstract pieces to go with the stuff I'm writing and use a little digital manipulation to make the cover.

That, however, is going into territory that I literally have no idea what I would be doing. Still, the thought of producing something on a semi-regular basis that would not just get me readers but possibly a bit of cash is interesting to me. It is appealing and I guess that is a good sign. As things are getting settled and the school year is about to start soon, I know I am going to have time to resume writing my scenes. I have a few story lines that I really need to finish but I'm not sure how to get from point A to point B still. My attempts to just let my subconscious come up with it are not exactly bearing fruit.

I think I'm just going to have to sit down and do what I've done with larger works. Make myself a plot map and diagram how the whole thing is going to work. The initial idea of just writing the serial stories off the cuff is hindering me and making production very difficult.

Strawberry Freezer Jam & Preserving Foods.

I have been bitten by the preserving bug. In the refrigerator, I have 2 pints of strawberries. I am going to hull them and make freezer jam this week. I really like Mommpotamus's recipe. I made some last year using frozen strawberries. I can only assume it will be even more amazing with fresh strawberries.

I want to pack it into jars that will do well in the freezer but I have run out of the small pint and half pint plastic jars. I could use the plastic tubs and such that I have kicking around underneath the sink but I don't know if that it such a great idea. Thinking about it, I may have to wait until this weekend and pick up some freezer jars when I get groceries.

I picked up a tiny head of red cabbage. I am going to attempt, again, to make sauerkraut via fermentation. I was excited when I found some suggestions for how to avoid getting mold on the top of the ferment. That was what made the last attempt go so horribly. But, according to what I have read on the blogs of several people who do lacto-fermentation, I can put a layer of olive oil over the top of the brine and it will stop that from happening. I think I will get 1 pint of sauerkraut out of that cabbage, possibly a little less. But that is ok, because I only want that much for now, just to test if the recipe will work.

If it does, I am going to make a little more to give away, just like what I will be doing with the extra strawberry jam. I currently have a batch of refrigerator pickles going (with garlic) and I expect that they'll be ready by Saturday. Beloved is interested in seeing how they came out. If they're as good as I think they'll be, he will be happy.

Running out of ideas.

I have hit a point where I am starting to run out of ideas for blog entries. It is a disconcerting and unpleasant feeling to find that words are failing me. I'm an author. I always can depend on words. They're how I get ideas and stuff out into the world. But, right now, I am a bit stuck. I look at my blogs and I just have nothing coming to mind for what to post.

For one, I have a notebook of ideas. I look at the notebook and here is what happens:

Opens notebook.  
Reads outline for article.
Comments: Yep, those are words. They say stuff.
Close notebook.
Commence staring blankly at page/computer screen.
Repeat.

It has me feeling kinda low. This difficulty getting words out has me struggling with the question if I am good enough to get this book out. Never mind that I am nearly finished with the process of getting it to press and such. I want to blame the heat and the stress of managing kids and household stuff. But, honestly, I can't say that is the problem.

I am beginning to think I need to step back and take a few days off. I honestly don't know what I'm getting so hung up on.
 

Mass murder = failed ethnic cleansing?

The subject line is a bit rough but bear with me for a moment. I'm cobbling this together as I write.

There is the theory that slave revolts and riots are the language of the unheard lower class/caste of society. (And I am increasingly of the opinion that there is an active attempt to stratify society in the US into some semblance of a caste system for reasons I may discuss later.) If we consider this theory and then look at mass murder events, I find myself wondering if there is perhaps some parallel sociological activity in play.

Hate crimes that target ethnic communities with violence can be clearly considered attempts at ethnic cleansing when the objective of said crimes is the murder of said community. Mass murder propelled by motivations to kill/eliminate members of an ethnic group is an obvious attempt at ethnic cleansing. What about when the mass murder is in an attempt to eliminate a group of people who are of differing ideology?

I contend, again, this is an attempt at ethnic cleansing. Ethnicity is more than the color of your skin, the language you speak, and the food you eat. It incorporates ideology. Efforts to eliminate ideology is an attack upon the group that holds said ideology. When mass murderers go on their killing spree for the sake of removing an element from society, I think it is safe to say that their motivations are the same as those of a warlord in some petty third world country who is killing tribesmen he believes are filth to be removed from the Earth.

I will also be so bold as to say that this is not a case of random nutjobs at play here. Considering this from the angle of looking at societal pressures at play in the country, I see that as people resist the 'traditional' values/ethos/worldview of the dominant group, there will arise violence in places of tension. Police brutality, when examined from this lens, becomes an effort by the dominant group to reassert their dominance over the group they feel should be subservient to them. The more this group resists the will of the dominant group, the more the dominant group attempts to quell them with increasing force. I am counting the use of legal measures enacted to oppress a given group as a form of said force.

If we look at the United States, we find that the black population are pushing back against the systemic racism of the dominant culture. As this has gained traction, the dominant culture pushes back. It is for this reason that many black churches were burned. It is for this reason why a man was found lynched not long ago. It is the reason why there are so many cases of police brutality against minorities (predominantly blacks from what I can tell in my research thus far). A simple search turns up videos of law enforcement members abusing and, in some cases, killing people.

One may wonder why these things happen. This push back by the dominant culture via the increase in violence is an effort to intimidate the minorities into the previously occupied role within society that was present before resistance began. One may wonder, how does all of this fit together with mass murder. It is my argument that people who undertake mass murder that are members of the dominant social group are acted upon by sociological forces that encourage them to commit the act of violence against the targets deemed subhuman.

In an environment where relations between the dominant cultural group and the minority cultural group in question becomes increasingly polarized, violence is bound to erupt. This violence is a manifestation of the friction between the two social groups and attempts by each group to accomplish their goals.

Some may say, "But, Deb, we're civilized. We don't go around beating people into submission." I would point to all the ways that violence against the 'undesireable' people in society is laughed at and minimalized. There are states where murdering someone because they are transgender is acceptable. Let that sink in for a moment. There are states where MURDER is permissible. The way that the dominant society turns a blind eye to the violence within it is implicit approval of said violence. When said violence is turned into socially acceptable 'jokes' those who are inclined towards engaging in it find approval for their inclinations and encouragement in those jokes being permissible.

There are a lot of people who are up in arms over the idea that there is an active campaign to erase 'Southern heritage' and a lot of people who are up in arms over the idea of the 'illegal immigrants threat'. We won't bother getting into the hysteria surrounding Islam, the long standing and systemic racism against blacks, or the well entrenched xenophobia that is rampant through the dominant culture. Instead of focusing on all these 'threats' to society, we need to look at where the societal fault lines are and the underlying problems that are causing the increasing violence in this country.

The problems in the United States are not due to this group or that. They're not a result of something that happened generations ago (directly) or because there is a lack of homogeneous thought in the country. These problems are present because there is a failure to uphold human rights. When a person is no longer considered a legitimate person, when they become something other, they are robbed of their humanity and the inalienable rights that comes with said humanity. I honestly am not surprised that the UN and the international community are becoming increasingly disturbed with what is going on in the US. Flagrant violation of human rights are on the rise and there is an attempt to mainstream said violations as the norm.

Another nation did that. WWII resulted from it. And horrific damage was done to that country and it was functionally destroyed. If we don't work to resolve the human rights issues in this country, we are heading down a dark and terrible path.

Is your water safe?

So apparently there is this thing going around the blogosphere. Some wit out there decided that the glass of water you leave sitting on the counter overnight is not safe for you because of germs from your saliva and carbon dioxide getting into the water. After the initial moment of disbelief that this was a thing, I got angry. There are people all over the world literally dying for want of clean drinking water.

Let me repeat that. There are people all over the world who are dying for want of clean drinking water. And there are some entitled nitwits who seem to think that their glass of water that sat out overnight is unsafe and gross because it isn't fresh out of the bottle or filtered tap water. This is an outrage.

I am not a fan of bottled water to begin with. I recognize, however, there are some situations where bottled water is necessary. It can be done in an ecologically responsible fashion. I am not a fan of wasting water, which is what happens when someone decides that bottle of water is to 'old' to drink. If you have potable water, you should be thankful.

You are one of the lucky ones. If you think that your day old glass of water is too gross to drink, you need to acquire some fortitude and vertebrae. If no one has a communicable disease and the water is not contaminated in some fashion that renders it unsafe, you need to put on your grown up panties and drink the damn water. We don't have unlimited freshwater supplies. The world acquifires are in danger and pollution is a constant threat to those supplies.

If your entitled butt thinks that you can't drink that glass of water, you should stop drinking water. Because each drop that you save is going to be used by someone else who needs it. While you're at it, you may want to consider not breathing. Because the toxins in the air are bad for you, regardless of where you are at.

Dear writing time, I miss you.

It has been very hard to get time to sit down and do much in the way of writing. This has been making me somewhat cranky and I am not entirely sure how to resolve it. I have resumed carrying a notebook with me but it has been difficult to get stuff prepped for blog posts or manuscript insertion. I can not report that there has been an increase in productivity with the carrying of a notebook. I have been getting interrupted when I sit down to write in the notebook just as much, if not more, than I have been when I am at the computer.

I have been participating in this meme called July for Loki. This is my second year participating. I am approximately a week behind where I wanted to be right now. I don't know if I am going to manage to catch up and get a full 30 posts for Loki this month or not. I have been writing these posts up on my 'professional' witchery blog. On my more personal witchery blog, I have been continuing to chronicle my efforts with cursing Daesh (the group many of you may recognize as ISIS or ISIL). I've got two curses written up. I need to write a post on how they seem to be manifesting and the third one that is developed. My goal is to spend a lunar month with magical efforts focused on the defeat of Daesh.

My work on book two of the Umbrel Chronicles is a little stalled at the moment. I am struggling with the business of putting together a cover. It is proving more complicated than I had originally anticipated. Line edits are complete, however. I should be hearing back from some beta readers anytime now. We're a little over a week away from the deadline I set. I am a bit nervous but mainly irritated because I can't seem to figure out what I am doing for a cover and not having time to really do proper entries for the world building blog.

Summer School & Stuff

Tomorrow is the beginning of week two of summer school for the boys. Most of last week, they were excited to be going. Today, Cuddle Bear announced that he was not going to school because it was going to be closed tomorrow. I guess we've passed the honeymoon stage and jumped right to the irritating whining state. I had hoped that I would get at least another week of the honeymoon stage. He may think that he is going to get out of going to summer school, but he's still going. If nothing else, because I kinda need that 2 hr break from them to get some of this mountain of laundry folded.

It feels surreal how I am not incredibly upset over Grandma's death right now. Some of this is because I have been pretty busy over the last week. Some of it is because I realized that she is no longer suffering from dementia and bodily ills that go with being 85ish and she is now with Grandpa. After he died, apparently she was telling my parents (who were her care givers) to just let her die when she had her lucid moments. Rather than feeling upset, I have been feeling grateful for her passing being quick and in her sleep. I've been meaning to call and ask what the results of the brain biopsy were. There was some question as to what was causing the dementia. Hopefully, the results illuminate what the cause of that was and gives the rest of us some idea as to if we can prevent developing it ourselves.

With Grandma's death, I have come to the feeling that the farm is no longer 'home' to me. Yeah, I grew up there but it is no longer a place that I can go to and feel 'at home' now. For some reason, Grandma and Grandpa really made that happen. I think it is because their house never really changed over the years and they were always more or less the same over time. But now, that continuity is gone. I find myself feeling somewhat sad over it, but I'm not as crushed as I thought I would be. Perhaps it is because I have my own home and my own family now.

Oddly enough, along with the changes that happened at the farm, one of the places where Beloved and I frequented through our courtship changed as well. Miceli's Deli was probably the best place to get a sub in Geneseo. When we stopped over there recently, we discovered it was no longer called Miceli's Deli and the business model had changed dramatically. The owners and the staff are the same but the menu is different, the restaurant layout is different, and it has a significant change to how the place feels. We still ate there. Beloved has decided that their Ultimate Breakfast Sandwich is craveable. I'm not decided on it all. From what he said, however, the macaroni salad recipe is unchanged so we've at least got that going for us.

My flowerbed in front is choked with weeds. All last week I told myself I was going to go out there and pull weeds. The days I was organized enough to do it, however, it was raining. My goal for this week, aside from getting all the laundry put away, is to rip the grass out of that flowerbed. A part of me wonders if I should look into putting down weed blocking fabric with a layer of mulch over it. I'm still not decided on that, however. I don't know if the investment is worth it right now.

The plants on the back deck are doing fairly well. I don't think, however, that my miniature roses are going to bloom this summer. The morning glories that are growing up in a window box  are becoming unruly. They haven't bloomed yet but I think it will be happening soon. I tried putting up stakes for them to climb but the stakes weren't long enough. I put a tomato cage in there and it is almost covered now. It also doesn't stand up very well. I am contemplating using a bit of twine tied to one side of the tomato cage and run under the window box before being tied to the other side to stabilize it. I haven't made a full decision on it yet.

Independence Day? Whatever.

So, it is July 4th. I am not feeling any excitement towards today what so ever. Part of this may be my coming to grips with the death of my paternal Grandmother. Part of it may be the increasing disgust I feel towards how jingoistic the 'patriots' around me have gotten. When questioning the system gets you shouted down, shunned, or threatened with bodily harm, then you don't have freedom of speech. What you have is a mockery of it. You can say what ever you like, as long as you stay within these lines.

I look around me and I see people acting like there isn't an active war going on, like there are not veterans coming back traumatized and injured (when they are not in a box). I see people acting like we're the great bastion of freedom, completely ignoring the fact that we are not the only nation that has liberty. I see people wrapping themselves up in the flag as they push for the nation to become a theocracy because we're a 'Christian Nation' despite the fact that the country is NOT in any fashion founded upon Christian principles (especially those that are touted by these folk). I see all this and I feel sick.

Do I want to be someone who can say 'Yay America!' and enjoy fireworks with everybody else? Yes, that would be nice. It would make it a lot easier to fit in, I suppose. But my conscience won't let me. There is too much that is wrong in the nation to spend time flag waving. There is too much that is wrong done in the name of the nation to sit back and get caught up in the groupthink bliss state. I can't celebrate today because I am too grieved by what I see happening in the nation to do so.

Maybe that makes me 'unpatriotic' and some would go so far as to say that I am espousing 'treason' or that I am a terrorist sympathizer. The people who say that I am in the wrong for this a ignoring one of the principles this nation is founded on. A patriot is supposed to stand up and demand the government to take responsibility for how it has wronged the citizens. A patriot is supposed to speak out against crimes committed by the nation. A patriot is supposed to seek out the greater good for the whole of the people, not just the ones who agree with their positions or pay them enough money. I close with the following quote and I plea to my fellow citizens: Speak out against the wrongs of our government and the people who wish to rip away our rights for the sake of their comfort.

The First Amendment (Amendment I) to the United States Constitution prohibits the making of any law respecting an establishment of religion, impeding the free exercise of religion, abridging the freedom of speech, infringing on the freedom of the press, interfering with the right to peaceably assemble or prohibiting the petitioning for a governmental redress of grievances.

School's almost done.

Next Wednesday is the boys' last day of school. I'm dreading it a little bit, to be honest. I have no idea what we're going to do most of the day with the end of school. My wild ideas of getting some serious writing done over the last month did not come to fruition. A lot of things just got in the way, not the least of which has been getting used to this medication. It's funny, in a way, that I finally get used to it right when school is ending.

I went out for a walk this morning. In the midst of it I found a twig that looks to be just about perfect for making my own witchy broom. I'm planning on using the stalks from the day lilies for the brush end when the flowers are done. I also found two large goose feathers. I'm pretty sure they're wing feathers. I am going to try my hand at making quill pens with them. I've been reading about it and it looks simple enough to do. Those, however, are often famous last words.

I was worried that my royalties check got stolen. After some investigation and talking to people at Lulu.com (where I've self published and where the check was supposed to come from) apparently it went to my Paypal account. I don't recall changing settings so that payment went to it. At least I now know what happened to it. I may just leave it set up that way for future payments.

I should be hearing back from my beta readers regarding book two of the Umbrel Chronicles. Edits are a bit stalled on book three. I am probably not going to be doing much with the books until next September. I think the kids are going to keep me too busy to do anything, even plot mapping. I am in editing hell right now with the Sanctuary books. I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. So, putting that aside for a few months is a good idea right now.

I have been doing my therapy writing and I honestly don't know how I feel about it. Writing to my different personality aspects has been a weird experience. It makes me look at it all and kinda wonder about it. They're so developed and detailed. It's like they're almost an entirely different person (and in a lot of ways they feel like they are). I find myself wondering if this is what the hospital psychiatrist was baffled by. At one point, I had one tell me that they were shocked that given the trauma I have experienced that I'm not schizophrenic or suffering from dissociative identity disorder. I've been trying  not to get squicked by the feelings of doing this journal work. It is, however, very uncomfortable.

I've been feeling awkward about my reading right now. I'm taking a break from the Dresden Files and reading The Pearl. It is a complete collection of Victorian erotica that was published as an underground magazine in England. I'm not awkward about the fact I am reading erotica. What is awkward for me is the fact that I have zero response to it. De Sade's writings were ... interesting, to use a massive understatement. I didn't realize how left of center my appetites were until I started reading this. At most, I'm amused by how they phrase things and what they considered 'scandalous'. I thought that reading The Pearl would give me ideas for writing erotica shorts again. It absolutely has not. So, when I finish it, I will be re-reading De Sade. It makes me wonder what related writings I should locate next. Because I don't think the collection of De Sade's writing that I have is complete.

Spinning stuff and Preemie Bucket Hat.

I have gotten a good amount of spinning done and washed up a bunch of fiber. I have some brown Icelandic wool. I have some Cormo wool that is white. There's still a bit of grease (lanolin) in it but I am going to try out spinning 'in the grease' to see how it works out for me. The third batch of fiber that I washed up is Dorset wool.

I am going to try flick carding again. It is my hope that this time will not be as irritating as last time. I think I've got tip and butt ends of the staples figured out. Next time I give flick carding a try, I am going to make sure that I have lots of good, strong light so that I can see fairly clearly what I am doing this time. I suspect that my difficulties last time were because I had the fiber unaligned to begin with and I couldn't really tell what I was doing because the light was dim.

The spinning I finished was the blue-green colorway that was produced in honor of the Genesee Valley Handspinner's Guild's 30th anniversary, it is called Finger Lakes. The greens ranged from the color of grass to the shades of moss to the color of seaweed. The blues alternated between a dark, almost indigo shade, to something the color of denim. I spun it with a Z twist on my largest spindle (an Ashford student spindle that is made from unfinished Silver Beech and weighs 2.75 oz.) and plied it on my True Creations kick spindle. I was going to ply it with silver sewing thread and then decided to use the last ball of denim blue singles that I had spun with a Z twist on my second largest spindle (a Zebrawood and Maple bottom whorl spindle, I'm not sure what the weight is.)

Upon consideration after plying (though I think technically what I've done may have been overspinning it because I worked in the Z direction in this process as well), I think I should have gone with my original idea of plying it with silver thread. All the blue washes out the lovely shades of green. The funny thing is, the end result is just about exactly the color of Conesus Lake (the Finger Lake that I live near). I'll be giving it to the gal in charge of collecting the yarns for the display at the Finger Lakes Fiber Festival for the spinning guild this month. I'm curious how other people's samples have worked out.

I have been far behind in my efforts to make preemie hats for the Golisano Children's Hospital NICU for the last two months. This month, I've only made one. I am going to try to make at least one more before I go to spinning next weekend. Here, however, is my pattern. I would be posting a picture but for some reason I can't get pictures off the camera right now.

This pattern uses an 'H' crochet hook and acrylic baby yarn - sport weight (4).

Round 1: Make a ring (magic ring method), chain two stitches. Make 11 half double crochet stitches into the ring. Slip stitch final stitch into the second stitch of the starting chain. (12 st) Pull your ring snug.

Round 2: Chain 2, half double crochet into the base of chain. Two half double crochet into next stitch. Work your stitches with the length of yarn left over from starting the ring held at the bottom of the stitch, covering the yarn. Pull the yarn tight every three stitches or so until you run out of yarn to cover to keep the center of the project snug. Do the two half double crochets in each stitch for the whole round. When you return to the beginning, slip stitch into the second stitch of the starting chain. (24 st)

Round 3: Chain two. Half double crochet into the base of your chain. Do one half double crochet into the next stitch. *Work two half double crochet stitches into the next stitch. Work one half double crochet into next stitch.*  Repeat * around. When end of the round is reached, slip stitch into the second stitch of the starting chain. (36 st)

Round 4: Chain two. Half double crochet into the base of your chain. Do one half double crochet into each of the next two stitches. *Work two half double crochet stitches into the next stitch. Work one half double crochet into next two stitches.* Repeat * around. When end of the round is reached, slip stitch into the second stitch of the starting chain. (48 st)

Round 5 - 13: Chain two. *Half double crochet into next stitch.* Repeat * around. When end of round is reached, slip stitch into second stitch of starting chain. (48 st)

Round 14: Chain two. Half double crochet into base of your chain. Do one half double crochet into each of the next three stitches. *Work two half double crochet stitches into the next stitch. Work one half double crochet into following three stitches.* Repeat * around. When end of the round is reached, slip stitch into the second stitch of the starting chain. (60 st)

Round 15: Chain two. Half double crochet into the base of your chain. Do one half double crochet into each of the next four stitches. *Work two half double crochet stitches into the next stitch. Work one half double crochet into following four stitches.* Repeat * around. When end of the round is reached, slip stitch into the second stitch of the starting chain. (72 st)

Round 16: Crab stitch into each stitch. Slip stitch into first stitch of the round. Fasten off. Break the yarn and weave in ends. (72 st)

End result should fit over a medium sized apple or small orange.

Yule List 2015

I'm not going to name names, on the off chance that the recipients might be reading this. I'm just going to list what I am making and project status.


Item                                                      Status             Notes
1 adult men's sweater vest                     0/100             acquiring pattern
2 children's sweater vests                      0/100             acquiring pattern
1 kitchen towel set (blue)                      5/100             acquiring pattern for towel toppers
1 kitchen towel set (kitch)                     0/100
3 child crochet jewelery                        0/100             pattern acquired, choosing colors
sewing box                                           1/100             must make needle book & pincushion
adult crochet jewelery                           0/100             pattern acquired, choosing colors
beret and scarf                                      1/100             pattern and yarn acquired
child craft bag                                       1/100             bag acquired, findings being located
crochet shawl                                         5/100
embellished chef hat                              50/100           hat acquired
knit scarf                                               10/100

Wotan's Day and stuff.

Wednesday is also the day of the week for the god Wotan/Wodin/Odin. It's had a decent thunderstorm today. There are supposed to be more tonight. Fairly fitting for the Old Man's day. I gave him and Loki an offering of that Fireball whiskey I have sitting in the kitchen. I'm pretty sure it was well appreciated.

This morning was kinda rough. As I was going down the steps in the entryway to go put the kids on the bus, both my knees locked and I fell. Cuddle Bear bolted out the door as I cried out in pain. Snuggle Bug got my my cane because I just couldn't get myself on my feet with out it. Then I went outside, praying that Cuddle Bear hadn't gone off somewhere. I found him at the end of the walk waiting for the bus. I reassured him that he didn't make me fall and that things were ok. It stuck with him, though.

When they got home from school this afternoon, the boys asked to see my knee and volunteered to get me bandaids and such. I again told them that it wasn't their fault that I fell. I tried explaining that sometimes my knees don't work right, which is why I have my cane. I think they understood that after a few tries. I'm not sure, though. I guess we'll have to wait and see on that one.

Snuggle Bug lost a book from school about two weeks ago. We had looked everywhere. People at school were looking in various places. Today, I just gave up and ordered a replacement on Amazon (for 20¢). I found another for a penny more, so I ordered it as well. This was obviously the reason why the book was found today on the bus. When the books I ordered arrive, I'll be sending in the better of the two copies to school for the library and keeping the other home for Snuggle Bug.

I also found a book that I had been searching for as research material for a mere $11. I ordered that because the check I'm due from the publisher for the book that sold will cover the cost of it. I may only be making nickles and dimes right now off of my books. But I am making something and that has to count. I haven't set up automatic deposit on the checks because, honestly, I like the feeling of accomplishment that comes from holding a royalty check in my hands.

The gods have told me to write three books. I was struggling with what to work on since they gave me that directive about a month ago. Then, today as I was fixing some problems with one of the books I have out (there had been errors at the printers that needed adjusted), it struck me on what to work on next. It's funny, because the deities who told me to write books this summer were the Norse ones I follow. And the book that lept to the forefront of my attention was one of the Filianic projects I had sitting on the side for a while now.

So, tomorrow, I am going to start work on that. I have a very rough outline set up. I am going to revisit it and refine it. Then I am going to start the process of filling in the details as I work through my outline. If this goes well, I may be able to finish it relatively quickly. Because the boys have summer school this year, I will have at least one month with an hour and a half set aside 5 days a week to work on it. I may even get some decent progress started on it over the next few weeks leading up to when school lets out.

Me vs Food.

I have a confession to make. I'm now down to 179 lbs from being at 199 lbs a little while back. I wish I could say it was do to good clean living, healthy food choices, and robust exercise. The truth is, I'm down 20 lbs from my previous weight because I've been eating less. Some would say that is the point of a diet, to eat less.

If that is how you feel about it and think that what I've done is healthy, please stop reading right now and go do something else. The point of a diet is to change your eating habits to something conducive to the state of health you wish to be in. This might mean smaller portions, cutting out certain foods, or replacing certain foods with different ones. Or some combination of the three. That's not what I've been doing.

I have a problematic relationship with food. When I was younger, I was borderline anorexic. I starved myself because I felt it was the only way to make sure everyone in the house had enough food to eat, at first. I started that when I was about six or seven. As I got older, I felt less and less in control of my own life. Thus, I controlled how much I ate because that was one thing I could tell I had absolute control over. Additionally, I thought that not eating certain foods (ie fatty ones) would make my 'zits' go away. And, I was ashamed to eat in front of other people because my build was different from theirs. The harassment that I got for being so thin was awful and it has taken a very long time for me to become comfortable eating in front of people again. On my good days, I just have no problem with it. On my bad days, it is a real struggle to make myself eat because I feel that I am repulsive whilst eating.

Then I developed an ovarian cyst. The doctors said that I was so underweight they were concerned about how well the surgery would go. Fortunately, I wasn't so underweight that it went poorly. That was when Beloved decided he was going to make me finish my meals when I was out with him. He didn't go so far as to put the food in my mouth but nothing else happened until I finished my meal. I tried being slick about it and ordering small meals. The folks at the restaurant we went to regularly realized what he was doing and I regularly got full sized portions when I thought I was getting halves. You know you have a problem when the guys running your favorite restaurant start helping your significant other put more food into you.

After a few years of that, I got up to a relatively healthy weight. I was amazed by this because I suddenly had more energy then I ever did before. I wasn't cold all the time. I didn't have times where my stomach randomly hurt for reasons I never put together (that I was hungry). With some therapy, I learned to identify when I was hungry and how to take care of myself on that front. When it was time that we were attempting to have Cuddle Bear, I was actually ten pounds overweight. With some vigorous exercise and skipping extra sweets, I dropped down to 150 lbs and conceived shortly there after (with some medical assistance).

This was also the story of how Snuggle Bug was conceived. After Snuggle Bug was born, I thought my issues with eating were resolved. I did my best not to think about how 'fat' I looking in the mirror and focus on eating healthy foods. When I gained weight from my psych meds, I got even more depressed and felt I was hideous. Mind you, when I was grossly underweight, I felt that I was hideous then too. My weight yo-yoed a bit as I tried to get more exercise and return my weight to what I felt healthiest at (150 lbs). A part of me says I should be pleased with the fact that I've lost 20 lbs over the last month and a half.

That equals about 3lbs lost a week. It's a bit high but in the relatively healthy range. The problem is that weight loss didn't happen over the course of those six weeks. It happened in three. That makes it 6lbs a week. That is a sign that there is a problem. I know exactly what the problem is. I'm skipping meals again. I started skipping meals when I got anxious over the budget. This lead to my being anxious that we were not going to be able to afford to keep the pantry stocked and our family fed. While money is tight right now, I know that we've got resources we can turn to for help. We're not going to go hungry.

Rational thought, however, doesn't enter into this. My PTSD has been problematic for several months now, to the point where I was having nightmares every night. After my medication got adjusted, the nightmares stopped, more or less. But the feeling like my life was completely out of control and I was helpless to do anything about the problems we were facing was very powerful. Thus, I skipped meals. I would tell myself that I didn't feel hungry or that I would eat 'later'. Next thing I knew, I hadn't had breakfast or lunch as I was sitting down to dinner.

I only came to the realization that this problem has come back up today. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I don't know how I am going to regain a sense of control over my life. I feel like my PTSD and bipolar are running everything. I feel like my arthritic knees and PCOS are a time bomb waiting to go off. I look in the mirror and I find myself looking at my eczema and picking at it again, like I did in high school. I feel helpless right now. And that is creating major problems for me, again.