My first doily!

I used a size I crochet hook and sport weight yarn for this project. The finished diameter of it is approximately 10 inches.

1: Chain 6 stitches and slip stitch into the first stitch.

2. Chain 4 stitches and then do 1 double crochet in to the ring. *Chain 1, double crochet* repeat * 11 times slip stitch final chain into the 3rd stitch of the first 4 stitches. (It should look like a spoked wheel with 12 spokes and a space between each spoke.)

2. Slip stitch to first space. Chain 3. Double crochet into space at base of the chain. *Chain 1. 2 double crochet into next space.* repeat * 11 times. Slip stitch final chain into 3rd chain of beginning of round.

3. Slip stitch to first space. Chain 3. Double crochet twice into space at base of chain. * Chain 1. 3 double crochet into next space.* repeat * 11 times. Slip stitch final chain into 3rd chain of beginning of round.

4. Slip stitch to first space. Chain 3. Double crochet twice into into space at base of chain. *Chain 2. 3 double crochet into next space.* repeat * 11 times. Slip stitch final chain into 3rd chain of the beginning of round.

5. Slip stitch to first space. Chain 3. Double crochet 3 time into space at base of chain. *Chain 1. 4 double crochet into next space.* repeat * 11 times. Slip stitch final chain into 3rd chain of the beginning of round.

6. Slip stitch to first space. *Chain 1. Single crochet into space. Chain 1. Single crochet into first stitch of cluster. Chain four. Single crochet into fourth stitch of cluster.* repeat * 11 times. Slip stitch final chain into first chain of round.

7. Slip stitch to first chain of the first chain 4 section. Chain one. Half double crochet into space. Double crochet into space. Treble crochet into space. Double crochet into space. Half double crochet into space. Single crochet into space. *Chain two. Single crochet into chain 1 space. Chain two. Single crochet into chain 4 space. Half double crochet into 4 chain space. Double crochet into space. Treble crochet into space. Double crochet into space. Half double crochet into space. Single crochet into space.* repeat * 11 times. Slip stitch into first chain of the round.

8. Slip stitch to first treble crochet stitch. Chain 5. Treble crochet into single crochet after the first 2 chain section. Chain 5. *Slip stitch into treble crochet of next cluster. Chain 5. Treble crochet into single crochet between clusters. Chain 5.* repeat * 11 times. (There should be 24 loops about the edge of the doily.)

9. Chain 1. 2 half double crochet into the first chain 5 space. 1 double crochet into the space. 1 triple crochet into the space. 1 double crochet into the space. 2 half double crochet into space. 1 single crochet. (7 stitches into the chain space, counting first chain as 1 single crochet.) *single crochet into top of treble crochet. Single crochet into chain 5 space. 2 half double crochet into chain 5 space. 1 double crochet into the space. 1 triple crochet into space. 1 double crochet into the space. 2 half double crochet into space. 1 single crochet. single crochet into treble crochet of next cluster. single crochet into chain 5 space. 2 half double crochet into chain 5 space. 1 double crochet into space. 1 triple crochet into space. 1 double crochet into space. 2 half double crochet into space. 1 single crochet into space.* repeat around edge. (There will be 24 clusters when finished, on on each loop.)

Break yarn and weave in ends. Block lightly and enjoy. This pattern is for free use. Please note that it is from me with a link back.

This afternoon.

Pictured to the right is my project for the afternoon. That dark colored skein on the niddy-noddy is the Icelandic sheep yarn that I was talking about last post. On the spindle is the Border Leicester that I mentioned. I am considering plying this on itself. I'm not fully decided yet.

Before the spindle is the next one I'm sampling. It is Teeswater, if I recall correctly. It washed up really well. I'm going to card it and see if I can get it to spin up well on the turkish spindle.

Aside from this, I have been knitting a shawl. I don't have any pictures yet, but I'm about half finished with the section I'm working on. After that I have the border to do and it will be finished.

Spinning Notes: Icelandic Sheep

Last month, I washed, carded, and spun up 4 ounces of black Icelandic sheep fiber. I don't think carding it was the best decision. The fiber came out a bit snarled which made for an uneaven single. I thought the fiber was completely black when I got it. Upon washing, I discovered that it had grey in it as well. I was hoping for a completely black single but the grey added some pleasant contrast in the single. The fiber took four washings to get completely clean. There were some second cuts in it, but not enough that I lost much fiber.

I spun it on my new turkish spindle and plyed it with my cd spindle. I think I am in love with the turkish spindle. It worked out really well. I was able to get the whole 4 ounces onto it with out running out of space. I was a little concerned as it has smaller arms then I was hoping to find. I think as I get better with wrapping the singles on to the spindle, I will have less difficulty with that. I spun the Icelandic sheep fiber with a z twist. The single ranged from light fingering weight to a heavier fingering weight because of the slubs that developed in it. I plyed it with an s twist with some size 10 cotton crochet thread. It is white and makes a nice little barber pole effect with the dark single. I think it's pretty pleasant, to be honest.

I haven't set the twist into the yarn yet. I will be doing that today. I will post pictures of the skein when it is dry.

Spinning notes: Border Leicester

I have 4 ounces of border leicester wool that I spun up yesterday on my Ashfort student spindle. I spun it with a z twist. The weight of the single is between laceweight and fingering. I will be plying it with some number 10 crochet cotton. It washed up really well with a bit of dishsoap in the water. The raw fleece wasn't all that smelly. It had a good amount of lanolin in it. My hands came away a bit softer after the business of washing the fleece was over.

It started out a very yellowed color. Upon two washings, it took on a nice bright white. There was a bit of sheen to the fiber that I thought was pleasant. I carded it with my handcards. I was delighted to find that it carded relatively easily. I thought it was going to be a bit of a problem because it is a longwool breed but I was wrong.

I did find that the single has a little bit of halo to it. I don't know how much of a halo it will have after plying and the twist being set. I do believe I over twisted it, though, which makes the single a bit more coarse in texture then I had wanted it to be. The next time I spin this fiber, I think I will try it out on the wheel that my MIL gave me for yule. The long staple length should lend itself well to the long draw that I have to use with it. I used a short draw technique for spinning on the spindle. That may have contributed to the over twisting of the yarn. I will post a picture of it after it has been plyed and set.

I'm not sure what I am going to do with this sample. Maybe I will use it to knit something. I will, however, be saving it.

I should buy earplugs.

As of the present moment, my eldest is having a melt down. He's been screaming and sassy since he got home from school. I don't know why he is acting this way. It's been a few weeks now that he's been having bad behavior. It is worse on school days. I was just going to ignore his being obstinate but Cuddle Bear just keeps acting up more.

He right now is perseverating on what will happen if he misbehaves and being sassy. 45 min later, I was able to get back to this. He's much calmer now. I don't know what to do about this business of my boys being so difficult. This morning, I lost my temper with Snuggle Bug when he was fighting me about getting ready to go to school. I strained my wrist a bit picking him up off the floor when he threw himself down as he was screaming. I had some difficulty keeping them from wandering off as we were waiting for the bus.

I don't know what has come over them. Over the last month or so, they have been sassy and having meltdowns. I can't seem to figure out why they're doing it. There hasn't been any changes to their routines. They haven't been having problems with sleep or had any changes to their diet. (Because some people theorize that artificial dyes and flavoring agents cause behavioral difficulties in autistic children.)

My youngest has been getting fixated on watching television. We've limited the videos to only during the hour before dinner. Still, he's been awful tempermental over the whole issue. We have had a lot of fussing and temper tantrums over the videos that we watch. It seems to have gotten worse. This really has me thinking about limiting their video time to only on the weekends.

I didn't really want to get a television but the in-laws gave us one for yule. At first, it seemed to be helpful. The boys were behaving really well and not messing with it. When the novelty wore off, they have been trying to poke at it and generally mess with it. I won't get into the way they try to mess with the PS2. Let's just say I have to hide the controller so they don't possibly break the thing and we flip the switch at the back to kill all power to it so they don't play with it.

I don't know what to do about this mess. I feel very frustrated and like I'm somehow doing something wrong. I just want to have things going a little more smoothly here. It seems like no matter what I do, they just get more prone to tantrums and stuff over the last little while. It is very discouraging.

I know that their autism makes things challenging. I try to not get irritated when they get 'stuck' on topics. I try to stay calm when they have meltdowns and not take their misbehavior personally. I know some of it is normal kid stuff. But this is hard and I just can't seem to find a way to work with it.

Fimbul winter, is that you?

Well, we're under a winter storm warning until 6pm today. This makes week four of snowstorms. We have a fair amount of snow on the ground from the last two storms. I think we're up to a few feet. It's not quite to my knee but we're also not right in the lake effect area. My sister-in-law over in Attica has snow that's almost as tall as her youngest child. That's almost elbow deep snow.

Now, the problem isn't snow fall, unlike the folks downstate who are going to get the brunt of this storm. Nope, we have to be concerned about windchill. It's about 2pm right now and the temperatures are hovering around -5 deg Fahrenheit (-20 C). Tonight, I'm pretty sure that we're going to see temperatures below -15 deg F. I'm glad that putting up the curtain across the back door is keeping some of the cold out. We've a gap around the door that is large enough you can see daylight through it.

I have the blinds closed to keep some of the chill out of the main living area of the apartment. Still, I am awfully chilly right now. I'm sitting here at the desk with my warm slippers on over my thick socks, a blanket in my lap, and a sweater on. I'm half tempted to go get my cotton gloves (the white ones for keeping moisturizer on my hands instead of the pillows) and put them on so that my fingers aren't so chilly. I am not going to go out and do laundry at the laundromat today. It is just so cold that I think sitting at the laundromat before those big windows would be painfully cold for me, even with my wool coat on.

I am a bit stalled on my manuscript. My deadline is the 19th and I have about 60 pages to write. I have hit something of a block right now and the kids have been distracting me. With the boys being on break from school this week, I don't think I'm going to have enough mental focus to get this thing done by then. I'm kinda upset with that. I really wanted to get it done before Moura, and it seriously looks like that won't be the case. I am a bit nervous about this manuscript. I worry that it is going to come off as my attempt to peddle my own ideas and push some measure of politics onto the reader. This is the exact opposite of what I'm trying to do.

I think this is just the jitters that come with getting towards the end of this thing and getting ready to send it off to beta readers before publication. I think I'm going to quaff my hot chocolate and put on some music that is inspiring. Then I'm going to do my best to get a few more pages written. I may not be able to finish this by the 19th but I can get as close to done as I can manage. I just need to keep trying. After all, editing is where things really get polished and take shape.

Making progress slowly but surely.

Behold my workspace. Missing from this picture is my mug of instant chai that has been fueling my writing this afternoon. I am just about at what I needed my word count to be by today. I will be pushing to get another 10 pages done by the time I head to bed for the evening. That will take the pressure off of tomorrow.

Tomorrow is probably going to be a bad day for writing. The kids are home from school because of a teacher's planning day. I'd be taking them outside to run around in the snow tomorrow but the weather report is calling for bitter temperatures.

If nothing else, tomorrow may work to rest my right wrist a bit. I think I strained it a bit when I was writing things out longhand on Tuesday. Hence my compression gloves and my wrist support band. Though, a part of me laughs at the idea of my taking a break from doing stuff that uses my hands because I have a shawl I'm knitting, a scarf I'm knitting, and I want to get started on some stuff for charity. I think as I get more work in, my wrist will loosen up. That, at least, is my hope.

Long Day is Long.

I have been running like a madwoman for the last few days. It seems like Saturday and today blended into one. For one thing, the dishes seem to have been perpetual. Even with Beloved jumping in for a round, they're still not done. I am so annoyed with this. The kids have been picking up toys almost as much as they have been complaining about it. (That is to say it has been happening a lot.) I think, however, this place is clean enough that tomorrow I may actually be able to bust out the vacuum cleaner and get the floors kinda straightened up.

I am almost finished with the right front section of the Lady of the Forest shawl that I've been knitting since August. (I knit kinda slow, alright? I'm trying to get faster. And, in my defense, I was working on a ton of Yule gifts at the same time.) I casted on for a scarf to give Beloved for Yule this year. It's going to be out of the same yarn as his fingerless gloves. This will sort of match the hat that I made him last year too. I'm not going to make the mistake that I did with the last scarf I knit and just keep adding sections until I get bored. This thing will be no longer then 4 ft. I am not going to give him a Dr. Who scarf for Yule.

I have started the process of planning what I'm making people for Yule this year. In addition to his scarf, I'm going to be making him a sweater. I found the pattern in one of my magazines for a sleeveless sweater. Apparently the original pattern dates back to WWI era. I may have to make some adjustments but I am pretty sure that I won't have any trouble with that. I am seriously considering making smaller versions of it for the boys as well. Because a sweater that I don't have to make sleeves is pretty awesome.

I think I'm finally starting to come out of the lastest depressive episode. Over the last few hours, I have been feeling more like myself. Hopefully this means that I will wake up and have enough energy to get the last of those dishes done after I put the boys on the bus to school. I am slowly making progress on that manuscript I'm working on. I still don't have a title for it yet. I'm somewhat annoyed with that but I think it will resolve itself soon.

Stupid Meatsuit.

A friend of mine who is also disabled refers to her body as her meatsuit. Honestly, I didn't think much about the expression until I started feeling rotten. Then I found myself using it. Today, I want to trade my meatsuit in for a model that doesn't have bruised ribs, crippling anxiety, and depression.

I'm upset that this time last week I was relatively ok. Then I started having problems with my temper, which happens when I go into a mixed episode. Then I became indifferent to the whole world. I figured this meant that the 'fun' was over. My mixed episode lasted from Friday night to Monday morning. It was pretty much par for the course. Monday to Tuesday evening, I was pretty much apathetic. I wasn't depressed, just indifferent to everything. Again, I didn't think much of it. I haven't been sleeping well because I'm still recovering from having bruised ribs (which feels like it is taking FOREVER to heal) and when I don't sleep well I'm pretty apathetic towards the world.

Then Wednesday morning, I woke up feeling a little depressed. My mood just got worse as the day wore on. I was torn between the urge to go hide from everything, curl up in bed and sleep all day, and fury that this was happening again. The depression comes in waves. When I'm not feeling really depressed, I'm irritable and angry with the whole damn situation. I feel terrible about this.

I wanted to go out and do stuff this week. I have a huge bag of soda bottles that I wanted to take to the bottle redemption center up the road. I wanted to get the grocery shopping done today so that I didn't have to worry about it Saturday. And get all the sheets in the house to the laundromat and washed before the weekend hit. Now it is Thursday and I have none of those things. I still have bags of clean laundry sitting around the apartment from when I did laundry on Sunday, waiting to be folded and put away.

The only reason why this place isn't a complete disaster is because every night I have been having the kids pick up their toys before they go to bed. My issues are telling me that I'm a failure as a wife and mother. I can't seem to get enough rest when I try to sleep at night. I feel sore and uncomfortable because of my ribs and when I look in the mirror I feel like I'm fat and ugly, but in too much discomfort to really do anything about it. Because exercising with bruised ribs isn't such a good idea. I just feel rotten and like everything I do is wrong. And wondering what the point to taking these medications are.

That is when I have to remind myself that I'm on the antipsychotics so I don't start hearing voices telling me to do horrible things. And that the antidepressants are keeping the depression from being worse then the damn thing is right now. I just want my life back and I want to be able to have stuff not feel like it sucks so often. But I guess that is like wanting to own a piece of the moon.  Just not going to happen unless something huge happens. Which is depressing all by itself.

Cardinals in the Snow.

Right now, there are three cardinals pecking bird seed out of the snow. The sight of them warmed my heart. I'm not sure if the landlord or the town is responsible for the clearing out of the trees behind the house, but it was something that had me upset. They're just about done now and I honestly thought we were done seeing songbirds. The trio of cardinals gives me hope that I will see more birds over the next coming months.

Perhaps if the weather wasn't so awfully cold, the birds would be at the feeder more. Today, we have started the day out at 4 deg F^o and a bit of wind. The kids didn't notice it much because of how bundled up they are. Cuddle Bear's new snowpants are a bit large on him but I've discovered you can use a belt to cinch them down a bit to fit better. I am pleased with this development. Until I made this discovery this morning, I was attempting to use safety pins for this purpose. That was not working out well at all.

The neighbors at the bus stop today were remarking on how bitter the weather has been. We all agree that the wind chill is worse for the lack of the trees in back. I hope that my heating bills won't go up but I fear that they will because of that wind. I suppose one good thing to come out of this is that the back deck will have more sunlight. This means I can grow more things there. I'm not entirely thrilled with the lack of privacy that I had before.

It was something nice to be able to go outside and enjoy the day with the trees screening me from the neighbors across the way. With them gone now, you can see all the way over to Big Tree Road and the lakeside. Being situated at the north end of Conesus Lake, we get a stiff breeze off of it most of the time, most days. I suppose we'll be able to see the fireworks from the Ring of Fire next summer. The kids may enjoy that. But I'm still inclined to grumble and be upset about the loss of the trees.

All I could think as I was unfortunately forced to listen to the noise of them cutting down the trees was of how they were destroying that little ecosystem and the poor, defenseless trees. I have a fondness for trees and it always upsets me when people cut them down. This is why I prefer live yule trees. I'm thinking about growing a dwarf tree in a large pot on the back deck to sort of make up for (in some tiny, insignificant way) the loss of the other trees in back.

MLK Day, No school.

We were going to go visit my sister-in-law today but Snuggle Bug was talking about how his stomach was bothering him. The last time he was talking about his stomach bothering him first thing in the morning, he got sick to his stomach within the first hour of being up. To say the least, I didn't want to risk that so we've stayed home. Now, we're approaching lunch time and he seems to be fine. I am a wee bit annoyed with how that worked out. Ah well, that is how life goes sometimes, I suppose.

They're still ripping out trees behind the building. They have moved to behind the abandoned house next door. I am beginning to suspect that they will be ripping out all of them up to the property line of the houses on the next road over. That makes me sad. I've a fondness for trees and wooded places. They were places of great comfort to me when I was going through some troubles in my youth. I also find it to be harmful to the environment and that distresses me as well.

The side effect of the tree cutting going on is that I hear the noise of it every day and we have more of a breeze blowing off of the lake. I also have noted the absence of the birds. My feeders are half full and have been that way since they started work out back. I fear that this is setting the tone for the year. I'm going to miss those birds.

Progress, even if it kills me.

Today I did a massive amount of writing in my therapy journal. I think that I made a few breakthroughs. I also think that I wore down a quarter of an inch of pencil this morning doing so.

I am slowly managing to wrap my head around the idea that my great aunt Jackie is dead. Her funeral was yesterday. I spent a good portion of the day feeling guilty that I couldn't be there and that there really was nothing I could do to be of comfort to anyone. My Mom is really busted up over this, as aunt Jackie was her favorite aunt. My poor cousin Eddie is stuck out in Washington (I think he's in Portland but I'm not sure.) and he wasn't able to come to pay his final respects to his mother.

It is really difficult for me to come to grips with the idea that I am allowed a life separate from my birth family. I'm working on it with my therapist but today, I didn't realize how much it bothers me when my life conflicts with the idea of filial duty. I have a feeling that my next session with my therapist is going to be a rough one. But, if a rough therapy session gets me through this period where I feel like I'm a bad person or otherwise inadequate, then I suppose it is worth it.

My ribs are still bothering me but I'm at a point now that I'm not taking Tylenol with the Aleve. I've been careful not to do much bending and stretching. I have also made a point of not picking up something heavy and remembering to do my deep breathing at least once an hour. I'm pleased that the deep breaths are not making me cough like mad. I think this means that I'm finally over the bronchitis. Now I just need to get my ribs to heal up and I'll be ready to get going full throttle on this exercise thing.

Since we have a television now and I have an exercise DVD that is a 15 minute in home work out session, I figure I could start doing this every day after the kids go to school. Make a habit out of it and I will be getting a little exercise while the weather is poor and I can't go out and do my walking. I have been having some twinges of discomfort with my back over the last few days. I think that is because of the wonky weather patterns.

When ever the weather has a major shift, my back throbs where I had the epidurals done when I had my c-section to deliver the boys. Today, it has been really uncomfortable. But, according to the weather channel, it is supposed to be near 40 deg F Saturday, which is probably why my back is bothering me. I'm just glad that it wasn't 11 deg below 0 F this morning, unlike yesterday. The neighbor's kid had a screaming melt down because she had to wait for the bus out in the weather. My kids, however, were excitedly turning the pile of snow that was left by the plow into a slide.

Echo test: Echo.. echo.. echo...

It's been a rough week on the writing front. I have gotten a lot of work in on my newest project. I'm working on a companion book to Rose Petals. It will be a day book of sorts that takes one through the Filianic calendar year. I have my outline written up to the latter portion of Winter. I am torn between being pleased with how much I have gotten done over the last week on this and a powerful sense of concern.

One may ask, why am I concerned? I have been keeping a blog on religious stuff for about three years, with the focus on how I practice the blended path of Filianism/witchcraft/heathenry. I don't post as much as I would like to but I'm working on improving that. At the same time, I am struggling with the sense that I am writing for an empty room. It is really disheartening to work so hard on a post and have it met with resounding silence.

Honestly, even if I was encountering criticism, I think I'd be pleased because I had discovered someone who were inspired to respond to me in some fashion. In my reading about how blogs make money, it seems that I have hit a fairly common point. Where other bloggers have given up, I intend to keep going. It is my hope that my blog builds readership but at the moment I have a hard time believing it will.

I suppose it doesn't help matters much that I am feeling a bit worn out and depressed. My ribs have been bothering me terribly for the last few weeks. I think that my bout of mild bronchitis bruised my ribs. I've been taking Aleve and resting. This, however, has me struggling with the feeling that I am a useless lump. (I don't know about anyone else, but when I get sick or am otherwise unwell, I feel like I need to do ALL THE THINGS and do them RIGHT NOW! And the fact that I can't rankles me powerfully.)

A part of me gets angry and bitter with the fact that I am engaged in work that I have been taught is better suited as a hobby rather then a vocation. I find myself repeating to myself all of the hurtful things that I had spat at me when I was younger ranging from the idea that I am wasting resources with my writing (cue pangs of guilt for every scrap of paper I throw away) to the thought that what I write is too 'out there' for it to be marketable. I am working with my therapist to get out of that mental trap, but damn is it hard.

Some of that anger is directed at myself for two reasons. One is the idea that I am some how doing something morally wrong by pursuing my dreams of being a professional author. The other is the towering anger that I feel at the former concept. My therapist says that I am making progress in the fact that I get angry over the first concept. I'm honestly sick and tired of feeling like what I am doing is wrong somehow, that I am being selfish to chase this dream, and that my work is wasted effort. I try not to think about it but at the end of the day, it is the specter standing at the foot of my bed.

It is hard for me to post this. A part of me says I should delete this entry and consign this to the rubbish heap of failed effort. I am actively working to resist the urgings of that part of me because that is the same place that the directive to surrender my dreams comes from. It is the same place where the urge to just give up on life comes from and where all of my negative thinking finds safe harbor. Some day, I may stumble and give up that hope which pushes me forward. Some day, I may lie down and let life pass me by. Today, however, will not be that day.

Thus it stands that I feel that I am screaming into an empty room. If I only am answered by my echo, so be it. I will simply scream louder for the sake of catharsis and making that echo turn into a roar rather then a whisper.

Repost from Facebook

As I said elsewhere tonight:

today is a strange day for freedom of speech. in France, there was a terrorist incident that resulted in the deaths of several people and the injury of more. and then there is this yahoo Kirby Delauter, in saying his name i add myself to the list of mythical offenders to his 'good name', and the way he has been verbally slapped down for his nonsense. (look him up if you want to see that trainwreck, some of the responses are glorious.)

as an author and a person with a liberal education (if you jump to conclusions about my politics based on that statement, kindly exit stage left), i cherish freedom of speech and find it vital to the proper functioning of our republic here in the USA. it pains me to see people attempting to curtail it by violence or censorship. you may say something that disgusts and offends me, but i will defend your right to say it to my last breath. because *somebody* needs to keep their principles.

as The Good Reverend Roger said (or whatever moniker he's using today): or kill me.

Tarot reading jitters.

I'm logged in over at Keen. I'm on line to do readings via the chat client there. I don't trust myself not to have a coughing fit right now for doing readings over the phone. Honestly, I am a bit nervous because it has been almost half a year since I was last logged in at Keen.

I am doing my best not to let my nerves scare me off from doing readings but it is a bit hard. I just had a quick chat session with someone and I don't think I did very well. Still, I'm going to keep this going until the kids get home from school. Then I am going to switch off from being logged in for readings via the chat client to being logged in by phone for a few hours in between doing some housework. My goal is to stay available for readings while the kids are at school.

The last several days have been somewhat rough around my house. We caught that awful flu that has been going around the neighborhood. It started Christmas with Cuddle Bear coming down with it. All the poor kid wanted to do was sleep once the afternoon hit. We figured he was just tired from spending the day running from my side of the family to Beloved's parent's house. The next day, he was just as exhausted and didn't have much interest in playing with his new toys.

Then the coughing started. Goodness did that little boy have an awful cough. By the time he was starting to feel better, I came down with it. New Year's Eve was spent sick in bed, again. Fortunately, Beloved managed only to get the sniffles from this horrendous bug and he was able to manage the kids over the last four days. I was not doing well and for a little while I was worried that it may have been turning into bronchitis.

Thankfully, I am doing much better and the kids are just about fully recovered. We've got a bit of a lingering cough, but it is nothing like what it was a few days ago. I would be doing readings by phone but I don't trust myself not to have a coughing fit while on the line. I slept most of this morning because I was still pretty exhausted but now I'm feeling pretty well.

I've been spending my afternoon trying to get things set up to make a little money with my writing and listening to music from my youth. As silly as it may sound, I've been enjoying listening to stuff like Genesis and Bananarama. I have also revisited my affection for Peter Gabriel. A lot of this music was big when I was in my early years but it has been pleasant to listen to anyways.

Saturday Check In Week # 1

In the hopes of posting more frequently and consistently on here, I'm going to make a point of posting something every Saturday. It's probably going to be a recap of how the week went and with how my life goes, I'll probably be hit or miss about it. Still, I'm going to give it a shot.

We've all been sick with this horrendous bug. I spent most of yesterday and today in bed when I wasn't coughing to the point where I honestly wondered if I needed my inhaler. The kids seem to be mostly recovered from it except for a lingering cough. Beloved has had the sniffles and a headache. He has been taking care of the rest of us for the last few days. Namely, minding the kids while I have been a zombie.

I have set up a new spreadsheet to track how we spend money right now. I'm not terribly pleased with how things went last year. I feel that we spent more money then we needed to and if we get a better handle on things like how much we spend on our groceries, then perhaps we can rebuild our savings a little bit. Not in our favor is the fact that we don't have health insurance for this month.

I started out feeling pretty good about the 'Obamacare' health insurance because we could actually afford my medication. Then some things went wonky over the course of the last month and we suddenly went from having no premium to having an $850 premium over night. Frantic phone calls and my narrowly avoiding an anxiety attack resulted in us having health insurance starting next month for $50 a month. We still have to find away to cover the cost of my medications for this month but I think the GoodRX site will help a great deal with that.

I have had some problems with feeling anxious when I was awake today. I think part of this is because my nerves are a bit shot after all of that frantic last minute wrangling and part of it is I'm worried that this awful cough is developing into bronchitis. I've told Beloved that if I haven't improved by this time next week, I will schedule an appointment with the doctor. It is my hope that I will be on the other side of this bug come next Saturday. Partly because I have a social engagement that I want to attend and mostly because I really don't want to have to go see the doctor.

I don't know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow. If I am feeling well enough, I will probably be working on taking down the tree. I have a feeling that the ornaments that Beloved's sister gave us may prove too many for my box. I hope that isn't the case but I'm eying them with some suspicion. Every year, she gives us some and my box is getting very full. I am running out of places to put them. I don't think she is going to be happy next year when I tell her not to give us any ornaments.

Happy New Year!

Congratulations, world, you made it through another year. Happy New Year!

It's been busy around my place for the last few weeks. I wound up making Christmas presents up until when I went to bed on Christmas eve. We went to the celebration with my side of the family first and then to the in-law's house. At first, it was not looking like we'd be able to go out visiting people because Snuggle Bug was sick last Monday. He recovered, however, and we went off visiting. Somewhere in the course of the day Christmas day, however, Cuddle Bear started not feeling well.

Since then, we've all had a nasty cough and the boys have been really tired. They have been playing with their new LeapPad Ultras from their paternal grandparents or watching videos on the new television. We don't have the television set up to get channels, only to play videos off the playstation. (It's an older model playstation too. A PS2, to be specific.) We're treating the screen time like we were approaching computer time.

The kids earn a half hour each after a good day's behavior during the week. On the week ends, they get a bit more screen time, because it's good to let one's hair down and relax on the weekend.

We gave them a new train set but it's a bit wonky. I had some difficulty with it as I was attempting to set up whilst in a mixed episode-hypomanic. I'm going to try again a bit later today. For some reason, the engine keeps skipping off of the track. I am going to fiddle with it to see if we can keep it on this time.

My big excitement right now is the Mother Marion kick wheel that Beloved's mother gave me. It is working out really well for me right now while I can't do stuff like the 'core spinning' techniques with it yet, I am impressed with how even the thread I'm spinning has become now. It was pretty good with a drop spindle, now it's really good. My test is to see if my production is faster with this thing now then it was with a drop spindle.

Oh, and I am happy to report that the fingerless gloves I made for Beloved actually did fit him properly. My worry was unnecessary.

Working towards Yule.

Last night, I finished the last of my yarn based gifts. Now, I just have projects for myself to finish. Aside from that, I'm now at the point where I need to begin my baking. I have pre-made cookie dough sitting in the fridge right now. I just have been too lazy to bake them yet. A part of me says that if I bake them closer to Yule then the likelihood of stale cookies will be lower. More of me just doesn't want to go through the effort of baking right now.

I have been feeling  a bit unwell over the last several weeks. I think, however, that is starting to improve. I just am a bit disappointed that it took sleeping all morning yesterday and going to bed early last night to make it where I wasn't a zombie this morning. I am pleased, however, that the nightmares that had been problems for the last month and a half seem to have abated. Perhaps this aggressive push with my therapy related journal writing is helping me after all.

Right now, I'm not sure what I should write. I feel like I should be posting something more cheerful but I am honestly at a loss for words. Life has not been exactly cheerful. It has been just more of the same exhausting tedium every day. I don't know how much of that is influenced by my depressed mood state and how much is just the case of life being humdrum boring. I see people posting happy, cheerful things on their blogs and on Facebook and I wonder what I'm missing.

Of course, Facebook is a bit of a problem for me right now too. I appreciate and support people who are striving to raise awareness about their respective causes. I have reached a point, however, where seeing more images of police brutality, domestic violence, and animal cruelty is leaving me anxious and feeling somewhat triggered. (Yay, PTSD! /sarcasm) As Facebook has been my primary social interface of late, I'm reluctant to step away from it because my social interactions are heavily limited outside of the internet.

I'm not sure what to do to build my off-line presence. In my local area, there is a lot of stuff that goes on about the time that Beloved is due to get out of work. Much of it is stuff that I'm not interested in, but the few things that have caught my eye are usually enough out of the way that I would need the car. Never mind the fact that I would need someone to watch the kids. I was going to PEACE group at the church up the road for a while last spring. Then summer had them meeting at places that I couldn't get to and we fell out of the habit of attending.

I feel like there is no way for me to build relationships in my area. It is a very disheartening feeling. I suppose I could start going to one of the local churches but I am really uncomfortable with that idea. One, the churches around me are fairly conservative branches of Christianity and I really don't want to deal with the problems that would come from my pagan presence. Two, my ideology is very different from theirs and I feel like I would be inviting trouble to go when I am such of a radically different stance. Third, I don't want my children being indoctrinated into a faith that no one in the house practices and the mindset that is opposed to what Beloved and I believe. (He may be indifferent to religion, but his politics are as liberal as mine.)

I don't know what I'm going to do. I know that this weekend, my dear friends in Buffalo are celebrating Yule and I will be attending that. And the last Sunday of the month (the timing of which amuses me), a dear friend and her family in Rochester are celebrating Yule and I will be attending that. As for the rest, I think we'll be attending stuff with my side of the family and Beloved's parents next week. The kids and I will pay a flying visit to our friends up the road on Monday. Aside from that, we don't really have plans for the break.

I find myself a bit saddened that we just don't have the means to take a vacation because I would love to get away from this cold. I confess, I am a little envious of the folks who take vacations this time of year off to places like Florida or Phoenix where you're more concerned about sunburn rather then if you're wearing enough layers to stay warm. Ah well, we do what we can with what we have.

Saving a recipe from Facebook

Reportedly, this is a viking recipe.

Water
Chopped apple
Apple  leaves
Honey

Heat the apple pieces and leaves in water until boiling. Sweeten with honey and serve hot.

I'm going to try this (sans leaves) tomorrow as I am baking bread. I will report back if it is as tasty as it sounds in theory.

** Edited to Add **

I didn't have leaves but I did chop up and apple and throw it into a pot of water to boil. I think the next time I attempt this, I am going to use more apples because it was a really weakly flavored result with what I did. If I had cooking apples, I suspect it would have worked out better as well. So, my next attempt will be a ratio of 1:1 apples to water, where as I had used 1:2.

Getting ready for Yule.

Today, we decorated the Yule tree that Beloved's folks were so kind to give us. The kids were merrily singing Christmas carols with their aunt (who had stopped by after work just for this reason) as they decorated the tree. I pretty much spent my time holding the tree steady and handing people ornaments.

It was a pleasant afternoon. We baked cookies and sent my sister-in-law off with some when she left. I offered her some of the stew that I had made for dinner but apparently she had plans to eat out with her parents.

At school, the boys are getting progressively more excited for the holidays. They were thrilled with we got the tree yesterday (my father in law and my sister in law brought it over right when the boys got home from school). Baking cookies this afternoon had them talking about leaving some out for Odin. I think the biggest challenge will be keeping them from playing with the tree.

I have 90% of my Yule crafting done. I've got a train to make for Snuggle Bug and I'm going to whip together a few fancy towel toppers for my aunt and uncle. I don't know what I'm going to do for my brothers or my parents. I'm leaning towards making a dozen cookies for each and calling it done. For my eldest niece, I am going to give her some jewelery. I don't have the time to make her another hat and I honestly think she may be getting tired of handmade things. I might make the jewelery myself or I may find something in the hoard of stuff that I have left from when I was attempting to set up a business on Etsy.

Last week, I officially threw in the towel on that endeavor. I realized that I just didn't have the bandwidth to do that and get started with taking my writing as a career. It was either do both things poorly or sacrifice one to do the other well. As writing is my passion, the choice was naturally the Etsy shop. It may happen that some point down the road I will attempt it again. I may even attempt that Keen stuff again next year. (Social phobia has pretty much made that a no-go.)

Right now, I'm just focusing on getting through the holidays with as much grace as I can manage, even though I haven't been feeling particularly festive. I'm still feeling the loss of my grandfather. It is hard to believe that this will be the second Christmas with out him. If we can manage not to have anyone sick over the holiday, then we might make it to both my side of the family and Beloved's side of the family gatherings on Christmas day. Some of my pagan friends are planning celebrations for Yule. I want to go to that, but I'm not sure which one will fit into the schedule.

It seems to be the case with so much stuff right now. It is part of the reason why I don't exactly enjoy the holidays. It's always so busy that I feel like I can't breathe. And there feels like there is so much pressure to give just the right gift, always wear a happy face, and make other people happy. It is exhausting. Ah well, it only comes once a year, so I suppose there is that small mercy.