Making progress slowly but surely.

Behold my workspace. Missing from this picture is my mug of instant chai that has been fueling my writing this afternoon. I am just about at what I needed my word count to be by today. I will be pushing to get another 10 pages done by the time I head to bed for the evening. That will take the pressure off of tomorrow.

Tomorrow is probably going to be a bad day for writing. The kids are home from school because of a teacher's planning day. I'd be taking them outside to run around in the snow tomorrow but the weather report is calling for bitter temperatures.

If nothing else, tomorrow may work to rest my right wrist a bit. I think I strained it a bit when I was writing things out longhand on Tuesday. Hence my compression gloves and my wrist support band. Though, a part of me laughs at the idea of my taking a break from doing stuff that uses my hands because I have a shawl I'm knitting, a scarf I'm knitting, and I want to get started on some stuff for charity. I think as I get more work in, my wrist will loosen up. That, at least, is my hope.

Long Day is Long.

I have been running like a madwoman for the last few days. It seems like Saturday and today blended into one. For one thing, the dishes seem to have been perpetual. Even with Beloved jumping in for a round, they're still not done. I am so annoyed with this. The kids have been picking up toys almost as much as they have been complaining about it. (That is to say it has been happening a lot.) I think, however, this place is clean enough that tomorrow I may actually be able to bust out the vacuum cleaner and get the floors kinda straightened up.

I am almost finished with the right front section of the Lady of the Forest shawl that I've been knitting since August. (I knit kinda slow, alright? I'm trying to get faster. And, in my defense, I was working on a ton of Yule gifts at the same time.) I casted on for a scarf to give Beloved for Yule this year. It's going to be out of the same yarn as his fingerless gloves. This will sort of match the hat that I made him last year too. I'm not going to make the mistake that I did with the last scarf I knit and just keep adding sections until I get bored. This thing will be no longer then 4 ft. I am not going to give him a Dr. Who scarf for Yule.

I have started the process of planning what I'm making people for Yule this year. In addition to his scarf, I'm going to be making him a sweater. I found the pattern in one of my magazines for a sleeveless sweater. Apparently the original pattern dates back to WWI era. I may have to make some adjustments but I am pretty sure that I won't have any trouble with that. I am seriously considering making smaller versions of it for the boys as well. Because a sweater that I don't have to make sleeves is pretty awesome.

I think I'm finally starting to come out of the lastest depressive episode. Over the last few hours, I have been feeling more like myself. Hopefully this means that I will wake up and have enough energy to get the last of those dishes done after I put the boys on the bus to school. I am slowly making progress on that manuscript I'm working on. I still don't have a title for it yet. I'm somewhat annoyed with that but I think it will resolve itself soon.

Stupid Meatsuit.

A friend of mine who is also disabled refers to her body as her meatsuit. Honestly, I didn't think much about the expression until I started feeling rotten. Then I found myself using it. Today, I want to trade my meatsuit in for a model that doesn't have bruised ribs, crippling anxiety, and depression.

I'm upset that this time last week I was relatively ok. Then I started having problems with my temper, which happens when I go into a mixed episode. Then I became indifferent to the whole world. I figured this meant that the 'fun' was over. My mixed episode lasted from Friday night to Monday morning. It was pretty much par for the course. Monday to Tuesday evening, I was pretty much apathetic. I wasn't depressed, just indifferent to everything. Again, I didn't think much of it. I haven't been sleeping well because I'm still recovering from having bruised ribs (which feels like it is taking FOREVER to heal) and when I don't sleep well I'm pretty apathetic towards the world.

Then Wednesday morning, I woke up feeling a little depressed. My mood just got worse as the day wore on. I was torn between the urge to go hide from everything, curl up in bed and sleep all day, and fury that this was happening again. The depression comes in waves. When I'm not feeling really depressed, I'm irritable and angry with the whole damn situation. I feel terrible about this.

I wanted to go out and do stuff this week. I have a huge bag of soda bottles that I wanted to take to the bottle redemption center up the road. I wanted to get the grocery shopping done today so that I didn't have to worry about it Saturday. And get all the sheets in the house to the laundromat and washed before the weekend hit. Now it is Thursday and I have none of those things. I still have bags of clean laundry sitting around the apartment from when I did laundry on Sunday, waiting to be folded and put away.

The only reason why this place isn't a complete disaster is because every night I have been having the kids pick up their toys before they go to bed. My issues are telling me that I'm a failure as a wife and mother. I can't seem to get enough rest when I try to sleep at night. I feel sore and uncomfortable because of my ribs and when I look in the mirror I feel like I'm fat and ugly, but in too much discomfort to really do anything about it. Because exercising with bruised ribs isn't such a good idea. I just feel rotten and like everything I do is wrong. And wondering what the point to taking these medications are.

That is when I have to remind myself that I'm on the antipsychotics so I don't start hearing voices telling me to do horrible things. And that the antidepressants are keeping the depression from being worse then the damn thing is right now. I just want my life back and I want to be able to have stuff not feel like it sucks so often. But I guess that is like wanting to own a piece of the moon.  Just not going to happen unless something huge happens. Which is depressing all by itself.

Cardinals in the Snow.

Right now, there are three cardinals pecking bird seed out of the snow. The sight of them warmed my heart. I'm not sure if the landlord or the town is responsible for the clearing out of the trees behind the house, but it was something that had me upset. They're just about done now and I honestly thought we were done seeing songbirds. The trio of cardinals gives me hope that I will see more birds over the next coming months.

Perhaps if the weather wasn't so awfully cold, the birds would be at the feeder more. Today, we have started the day out at 4 deg F^o and a bit of wind. The kids didn't notice it much because of how bundled up they are. Cuddle Bear's new snowpants are a bit large on him but I've discovered you can use a belt to cinch them down a bit to fit better. I am pleased with this development. Until I made this discovery this morning, I was attempting to use safety pins for this purpose. That was not working out well at all.

The neighbors at the bus stop today were remarking on how bitter the weather has been. We all agree that the wind chill is worse for the lack of the trees in back. I hope that my heating bills won't go up but I fear that they will because of that wind. I suppose one good thing to come out of this is that the back deck will have more sunlight. This means I can grow more things there. I'm not entirely thrilled with the lack of privacy that I had before.

It was something nice to be able to go outside and enjoy the day with the trees screening me from the neighbors across the way. With them gone now, you can see all the way over to Big Tree Road and the lakeside. Being situated at the north end of Conesus Lake, we get a stiff breeze off of it most of the time, most days. I suppose we'll be able to see the fireworks from the Ring of Fire next summer. The kids may enjoy that. But I'm still inclined to grumble and be upset about the loss of the trees.

All I could think as I was unfortunately forced to listen to the noise of them cutting down the trees was of how they were destroying that little ecosystem and the poor, defenseless trees. I have a fondness for trees and it always upsets me when people cut them down. This is why I prefer live yule trees. I'm thinking about growing a dwarf tree in a large pot on the back deck to sort of make up for (in some tiny, insignificant way) the loss of the other trees in back.

MLK Day, No school.

We were going to go visit my sister-in-law today but Snuggle Bug was talking about how his stomach was bothering him. The last time he was talking about his stomach bothering him first thing in the morning, he got sick to his stomach within the first hour of being up. To say the least, I didn't want to risk that so we've stayed home. Now, we're approaching lunch time and he seems to be fine. I am a wee bit annoyed with how that worked out. Ah well, that is how life goes sometimes, I suppose.

They're still ripping out trees behind the building. They have moved to behind the abandoned house next door. I am beginning to suspect that they will be ripping out all of them up to the property line of the houses on the next road over. That makes me sad. I've a fondness for trees and wooded places. They were places of great comfort to me when I was going through some troubles in my youth. I also find it to be harmful to the environment and that distresses me as well.

The side effect of the tree cutting going on is that I hear the noise of it every day and we have more of a breeze blowing off of the lake. I also have noted the absence of the birds. My feeders are half full and have been that way since they started work out back. I fear that this is setting the tone for the year. I'm going to miss those birds.

Progress, even if it kills me.

Today I did a massive amount of writing in my therapy journal. I think that I made a few breakthroughs. I also think that I wore down a quarter of an inch of pencil this morning doing so.

I am slowly managing to wrap my head around the idea that my great aunt Jackie is dead. Her funeral was yesterday. I spent a good portion of the day feeling guilty that I couldn't be there and that there really was nothing I could do to be of comfort to anyone. My Mom is really busted up over this, as aunt Jackie was her favorite aunt. My poor cousin Eddie is stuck out in Washington (I think he's in Portland but I'm not sure.) and he wasn't able to come to pay his final respects to his mother.

It is really difficult for me to come to grips with the idea that I am allowed a life separate from my birth family. I'm working on it with my therapist but today, I didn't realize how much it bothers me when my life conflicts with the idea of filial duty. I have a feeling that my next session with my therapist is going to be a rough one. But, if a rough therapy session gets me through this period where I feel like I'm a bad person or otherwise inadequate, then I suppose it is worth it.

My ribs are still bothering me but I'm at a point now that I'm not taking Tylenol with the Aleve. I've been careful not to do much bending and stretching. I have also made a point of not picking up something heavy and remembering to do my deep breathing at least once an hour. I'm pleased that the deep breaths are not making me cough like mad. I think this means that I'm finally over the bronchitis. Now I just need to get my ribs to heal up and I'll be ready to get going full throttle on this exercise thing.

Since we have a television now and I have an exercise DVD that is a 15 minute in home work out session, I figure I could start doing this every day after the kids go to school. Make a habit out of it and I will be getting a little exercise while the weather is poor and I can't go out and do my walking. I have been having some twinges of discomfort with my back over the last few days. I think that is because of the wonky weather patterns.

When ever the weather has a major shift, my back throbs where I had the epidurals done when I had my c-section to deliver the boys. Today, it has been really uncomfortable. But, according to the weather channel, it is supposed to be near 40 deg F Saturday, which is probably why my back is bothering me. I'm just glad that it wasn't 11 deg below 0 F this morning, unlike yesterday. The neighbor's kid had a screaming melt down because she had to wait for the bus out in the weather. My kids, however, were excitedly turning the pile of snow that was left by the plow into a slide.

Echo test: Echo.. echo.. echo...

It's been a rough week on the writing front. I have gotten a lot of work in on my newest project. I'm working on a companion book to Rose Petals. It will be a day book of sorts that takes one through the Filianic calendar year. I have my outline written up to the latter portion of Winter. I am torn between being pleased with how much I have gotten done over the last week on this and a powerful sense of concern.

One may ask, why am I concerned? I have been keeping a blog on religious stuff for about three years, with the focus on how I practice the blended path of Filianism/witchcraft/heathenry. I don't post as much as I would like to but I'm working on improving that. At the same time, I am struggling with the sense that I am writing for an empty room. It is really disheartening to work so hard on a post and have it met with resounding silence.

Honestly, even if I was encountering criticism, I think I'd be pleased because I had discovered someone who were inspired to respond to me in some fashion. In my reading about how blogs make money, it seems that I have hit a fairly common point. Where other bloggers have given up, I intend to keep going. It is my hope that my blog builds readership but at the moment I have a hard time believing it will.

I suppose it doesn't help matters much that I am feeling a bit worn out and depressed. My ribs have been bothering me terribly for the last few weeks. I think that my bout of mild bronchitis bruised my ribs. I've been taking Aleve and resting. This, however, has me struggling with the feeling that I am a useless lump. (I don't know about anyone else, but when I get sick or am otherwise unwell, I feel like I need to do ALL THE THINGS and do them RIGHT NOW! And the fact that I can't rankles me powerfully.)

A part of me gets angry and bitter with the fact that I am engaged in work that I have been taught is better suited as a hobby rather then a vocation. I find myself repeating to myself all of the hurtful things that I had spat at me when I was younger ranging from the idea that I am wasting resources with my writing (cue pangs of guilt for every scrap of paper I throw away) to the thought that what I write is too 'out there' for it to be marketable. I am working with my therapist to get out of that mental trap, but damn is it hard.

Some of that anger is directed at myself for two reasons. One is the idea that I am some how doing something morally wrong by pursuing my dreams of being a professional author. The other is the towering anger that I feel at the former concept. My therapist says that I am making progress in the fact that I get angry over the first concept. I'm honestly sick and tired of feeling like what I am doing is wrong somehow, that I am being selfish to chase this dream, and that my work is wasted effort. I try not to think about it but at the end of the day, it is the specter standing at the foot of my bed.

It is hard for me to post this. A part of me says I should delete this entry and consign this to the rubbish heap of failed effort. I am actively working to resist the urgings of that part of me because that is the same place that the directive to surrender my dreams comes from. It is the same place where the urge to just give up on life comes from and where all of my negative thinking finds safe harbor. Some day, I may stumble and give up that hope which pushes me forward. Some day, I may lie down and let life pass me by. Today, however, will not be that day.

Thus it stands that I feel that I am screaming into an empty room. If I only am answered by my echo, so be it. I will simply scream louder for the sake of catharsis and making that echo turn into a roar rather then a whisper.

Repost from Facebook

As I said elsewhere tonight:

today is a strange day for freedom of speech. in France, there was a terrorist incident that resulted in the deaths of several people and the injury of more. and then there is this yahoo Kirby Delauter, in saying his name i add myself to the list of mythical offenders to his 'good name', and the way he has been verbally slapped down for his nonsense. (look him up if you want to see that trainwreck, some of the responses are glorious.)

as an author and a person with a liberal education (if you jump to conclusions about my politics based on that statement, kindly exit stage left), i cherish freedom of speech and find it vital to the proper functioning of our republic here in the USA. it pains me to see people attempting to curtail it by violence or censorship. you may say something that disgusts and offends me, but i will defend your right to say it to my last breath. because *somebody* needs to keep their principles.

as The Good Reverend Roger said (or whatever moniker he's using today): or kill me.

Tarot reading jitters.

I'm logged in over at Keen. I'm on line to do readings via the chat client there. I don't trust myself not to have a coughing fit right now for doing readings over the phone. Honestly, I am a bit nervous because it has been almost half a year since I was last logged in at Keen.

I am doing my best not to let my nerves scare me off from doing readings but it is a bit hard. I just had a quick chat session with someone and I don't think I did very well. Still, I'm going to keep this going until the kids get home from school. Then I am going to switch off from being logged in for readings via the chat client to being logged in by phone for a few hours in between doing some housework. My goal is to stay available for readings while the kids are at school.

The last several days have been somewhat rough around my house. We caught that awful flu that has been going around the neighborhood. It started Christmas with Cuddle Bear coming down with it. All the poor kid wanted to do was sleep once the afternoon hit. We figured he was just tired from spending the day running from my side of the family to Beloved's parent's house. The next day, he was just as exhausted and didn't have much interest in playing with his new toys.

Then the coughing started. Goodness did that little boy have an awful cough. By the time he was starting to feel better, I came down with it. New Year's Eve was spent sick in bed, again. Fortunately, Beloved managed only to get the sniffles from this horrendous bug and he was able to manage the kids over the last four days. I was not doing well and for a little while I was worried that it may have been turning into bronchitis.

Thankfully, I am doing much better and the kids are just about fully recovered. We've got a bit of a lingering cough, but it is nothing like what it was a few days ago. I would be doing readings by phone but I don't trust myself not to have a coughing fit while on the line. I slept most of this morning because I was still pretty exhausted but now I'm feeling pretty well.

I've been spending my afternoon trying to get things set up to make a little money with my writing and listening to music from my youth. As silly as it may sound, I've been enjoying listening to stuff like Genesis and Bananarama. I have also revisited my affection for Peter Gabriel. A lot of this music was big when I was in my early years but it has been pleasant to listen to anyways.

Saturday Check In Week # 1

In the hopes of posting more frequently and consistently on here, I'm going to make a point of posting something every Saturday. It's probably going to be a recap of how the week went and with how my life goes, I'll probably be hit or miss about it. Still, I'm going to give it a shot.

We've all been sick with this horrendous bug. I spent most of yesterday and today in bed when I wasn't coughing to the point where I honestly wondered if I needed my inhaler. The kids seem to be mostly recovered from it except for a lingering cough. Beloved has had the sniffles and a headache. He has been taking care of the rest of us for the last few days. Namely, minding the kids while I have been a zombie.

I have set up a new spreadsheet to track how we spend money right now. I'm not terribly pleased with how things went last year. I feel that we spent more money then we needed to and if we get a better handle on things like how much we spend on our groceries, then perhaps we can rebuild our savings a little bit. Not in our favor is the fact that we don't have health insurance for this month.

I started out feeling pretty good about the 'Obamacare' health insurance because we could actually afford my medication. Then some things went wonky over the course of the last month and we suddenly went from having no premium to having an $850 premium over night. Frantic phone calls and my narrowly avoiding an anxiety attack resulted in us having health insurance starting next month for $50 a month. We still have to find away to cover the cost of my medications for this month but I think the GoodRX site will help a great deal with that.

I have had some problems with feeling anxious when I was awake today. I think part of this is because my nerves are a bit shot after all of that frantic last minute wrangling and part of it is I'm worried that this awful cough is developing into bronchitis. I've told Beloved that if I haven't improved by this time next week, I will schedule an appointment with the doctor. It is my hope that I will be on the other side of this bug come next Saturday. Partly because I have a social engagement that I want to attend and mostly because I really don't want to have to go see the doctor.

I don't know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow. If I am feeling well enough, I will probably be working on taking down the tree. I have a feeling that the ornaments that Beloved's sister gave us may prove too many for my box. I hope that isn't the case but I'm eying them with some suspicion. Every year, she gives us some and my box is getting very full. I am running out of places to put them. I don't think she is going to be happy next year when I tell her not to give us any ornaments.

Happy New Year!

Congratulations, world, you made it through another year. Happy New Year!

It's been busy around my place for the last few weeks. I wound up making Christmas presents up until when I went to bed on Christmas eve. We went to the celebration with my side of the family first and then to the in-law's house. At first, it was not looking like we'd be able to go out visiting people because Snuggle Bug was sick last Monday. He recovered, however, and we went off visiting. Somewhere in the course of the day Christmas day, however, Cuddle Bear started not feeling well.

Since then, we've all had a nasty cough and the boys have been really tired. They have been playing with their new LeapPad Ultras from their paternal grandparents or watching videos on the new television. We don't have the television set up to get channels, only to play videos off the playstation. (It's an older model playstation too. A PS2, to be specific.) We're treating the screen time like we were approaching computer time.

The kids earn a half hour each after a good day's behavior during the week. On the week ends, they get a bit more screen time, because it's good to let one's hair down and relax on the weekend.

We gave them a new train set but it's a bit wonky. I had some difficulty with it as I was attempting to set up whilst in a mixed episode-hypomanic. I'm going to try again a bit later today. For some reason, the engine keeps skipping off of the track. I am going to fiddle with it to see if we can keep it on this time.

My big excitement right now is the Mother Marion kick wheel that Beloved's mother gave me. It is working out really well for me right now while I can't do stuff like the 'core spinning' techniques with it yet, I am impressed with how even the thread I'm spinning has become now. It was pretty good with a drop spindle, now it's really good. My test is to see if my production is faster with this thing now then it was with a drop spindle.

Oh, and I am happy to report that the fingerless gloves I made for Beloved actually did fit him properly. My worry was unnecessary.

Working towards Yule.

Last night, I finished the last of my yarn based gifts. Now, I just have projects for myself to finish. Aside from that, I'm now at the point where I need to begin my baking. I have pre-made cookie dough sitting in the fridge right now. I just have been too lazy to bake them yet. A part of me says that if I bake them closer to Yule then the likelihood of stale cookies will be lower. More of me just doesn't want to go through the effort of baking right now.

I have been feeling  a bit unwell over the last several weeks. I think, however, that is starting to improve. I just am a bit disappointed that it took sleeping all morning yesterday and going to bed early last night to make it where I wasn't a zombie this morning. I am pleased, however, that the nightmares that had been problems for the last month and a half seem to have abated. Perhaps this aggressive push with my therapy related journal writing is helping me after all.

Right now, I'm not sure what I should write. I feel like I should be posting something more cheerful but I am honestly at a loss for words. Life has not been exactly cheerful. It has been just more of the same exhausting tedium every day. I don't know how much of that is influenced by my depressed mood state and how much is just the case of life being humdrum boring. I see people posting happy, cheerful things on their blogs and on Facebook and I wonder what I'm missing.

Of course, Facebook is a bit of a problem for me right now too. I appreciate and support people who are striving to raise awareness about their respective causes. I have reached a point, however, where seeing more images of police brutality, domestic violence, and animal cruelty is leaving me anxious and feeling somewhat triggered. (Yay, PTSD! /sarcasm) As Facebook has been my primary social interface of late, I'm reluctant to step away from it because my social interactions are heavily limited outside of the internet.

I'm not sure what to do to build my off-line presence. In my local area, there is a lot of stuff that goes on about the time that Beloved is due to get out of work. Much of it is stuff that I'm not interested in, but the few things that have caught my eye are usually enough out of the way that I would need the car. Never mind the fact that I would need someone to watch the kids. I was going to PEACE group at the church up the road for a while last spring. Then summer had them meeting at places that I couldn't get to and we fell out of the habit of attending.

I feel like there is no way for me to build relationships in my area. It is a very disheartening feeling. I suppose I could start going to one of the local churches but I am really uncomfortable with that idea. One, the churches around me are fairly conservative branches of Christianity and I really don't want to deal with the problems that would come from my pagan presence. Two, my ideology is very different from theirs and I feel like I would be inviting trouble to go when I am such of a radically different stance. Third, I don't want my children being indoctrinated into a faith that no one in the house practices and the mindset that is opposed to what Beloved and I believe. (He may be indifferent to religion, but his politics are as liberal as mine.)

I don't know what I'm going to do. I know that this weekend, my dear friends in Buffalo are celebrating Yule and I will be attending that. And the last Sunday of the month (the timing of which amuses me), a dear friend and her family in Rochester are celebrating Yule and I will be attending that. As for the rest, I think we'll be attending stuff with my side of the family and Beloved's parents next week. The kids and I will pay a flying visit to our friends up the road on Monday. Aside from that, we don't really have plans for the break.

I find myself a bit saddened that we just don't have the means to take a vacation because I would love to get away from this cold. I confess, I am a little envious of the folks who take vacations this time of year off to places like Florida or Phoenix where you're more concerned about sunburn rather then if you're wearing enough layers to stay warm. Ah well, we do what we can with what we have.

Saving a recipe from Facebook

Reportedly, this is a viking recipe.

Water
Chopped apple
Apple  leaves
Honey

Heat the apple pieces and leaves in water until boiling. Sweeten with honey and serve hot.

I'm going to try this (sans leaves) tomorrow as I am baking bread. I will report back if it is as tasty as it sounds in theory.

** Edited to Add **

I didn't have leaves but I did chop up and apple and throw it into a pot of water to boil. I think the next time I attempt this, I am going to use more apples because it was a really weakly flavored result with what I did. If I had cooking apples, I suspect it would have worked out better as well. So, my next attempt will be a ratio of 1:1 apples to water, where as I had used 1:2.

Getting ready for Yule.

Today, we decorated the Yule tree that Beloved's folks were so kind to give us. The kids were merrily singing Christmas carols with their aunt (who had stopped by after work just for this reason) as they decorated the tree. I pretty much spent my time holding the tree steady and handing people ornaments.

It was a pleasant afternoon. We baked cookies and sent my sister-in-law off with some when she left. I offered her some of the stew that I had made for dinner but apparently she had plans to eat out with her parents.

At school, the boys are getting progressively more excited for the holidays. They were thrilled with we got the tree yesterday (my father in law and my sister in law brought it over right when the boys got home from school). Baking cookies this afternoon had them talking about leaving some out for Odin. I think the biggest challenge will be keeping them from playing with the tree.

I have 90% of my Yule crafting done. I've got a train to make for Snuggle Bug and I'm going to whip together a few fancy towel toppers for my aunt and uncle. I don't know what I'm going to do for my brothers or my parents. I'm leaning towards making a dozen cookies for each and calling it done. For my eldest niece, I am going to give her some jewelery. I don't have the time to make her another hat and I honestly think she may be getting tired of handmade things. I might make the jewelery myself or I may find something in the hoard of stuff that I have left from when I was attempting to set up a business on Etsy.

Last week, I officially threw in the towel on that endeavor. I realized that I just didn't have the bandwidth to do that and get started with taking my writing as a career. It was either do both things poorly or sacrifice one to do the other well. As writing is my passion, the choice was naturally the Etsy shop. It may happen that some point down the road I will attempt it again. I may even attempt that Keen stuff again next year. (Social phobia has pretty much made that a no-go.)

Right now, I'm just focusing on getting through the holidays with as much grace as I can manage, even though I haven't been feeling particularly festive. I'm still feeling the loss of my grandfather. It is hard to believe that this will be the second Christmas with out him. If we can manage not to have anyone sick over the holiday, then we might make it to both my side of the family and Beloved's side of the family gatherings on Christmas day. Some of my pagan friends are planning celebrations for Yule. I want to go to that, but I'm not sure which one will fit into the schedule.

It seems to be the case with so much stuff right now. It is part of the reason why I don't exactly enjoy the holidays. It's always so busy that I feel like I can't breathe. And there feels like there is so much pressure to give just the right gift, always wear a happy face, and make other people happy. It is exhausting. Ah well, it only comes once a year, so I suppose there is that small mercy.

Earned my cup of tea!

Like the nice lady in the picture to the right, I have earned myself a cup of tea. While my mug may not be as big as hers, I am just as enthusiastic about having it. Last week, when I was grocery shopping, I bought a package of loose leaf tea. I've been making my own 'tea pods' to use in the Senseo coffee maker. Making my own pods means I can use different coffee and loose leaf tea in the Senseo. It's something I've been really enjoying.

November was a very busy month for me. I was doing National Novel Writing Month. Granted, I have written novels in other months, NaNoWriMo holds a special spot in my heart. It taught me that I can write a book in a month (One year, I manage to write two even!) and that I can produce quality work at that pace.

I started doing NaNoWriMo with Stargazer a few years after I had graduated from college. I was vaguely aware of National Blog Posting Month from Stargazer's regular updates to her Livejournal. When she mentioned NaNoWriMo, I decided to take the plunge. While she was writing Gundam Wing fanfiction, I set to work on writing the sixth version of the first book in my fantasy series. As I watched my word count numbers climb, I started getting excited. She started getting excited. It was a beautiful thing.

Now that NaNoWriMo is done, I'm taking a break from the fantasy series. So far this year, I have written three books in the series. While a part of me is itching to get to work on book six, I'm stepping away from it for a little while so that I can take a mental break from it. Now, I'm working on writing my memoirs and this is proving to be a lot more challenging then writing fiction. It strikes me as a rather contrary thing, to be honest. I don't have to do the work of creating a new world and people for it. All I am doing is recording my memories.

At the same time, this is a grueling process. Partly because I have a great deal of past trauma that I have wound up writing about. And partly because I am finding it difficult to express the 3d quality of the memories. As I am a bit of a masochist, I have decided to write this monster by hand. I started work on it on the first. As of today, I am about twelve pages in. My goal is to write three pages a day.

Honestly, I feel like it is a reasonable goal, even if life got in the way for a few days. At the same time, I am working hard on my writing in other areas of my life as well. I have resumed writing in my journal. Right now, all I can manage is one page in fifteen minutes. I feel woefully out of practice writing by hand. Still, I know that page count will go up as I get back into the swing of things. I have also resumed writing my 'morning pages' as suggested in the book The Artist's Way. I'm making my morning pages do double duty, as I am writing them in my therapy journal.

I have been letting several of my blogs languish for a while now. I want to get back to writing in them, so I am returning to my writing schedule that I had last spring. I recognize that I may not hit 100% on them, especially with the holidays going on and my finishing up my crafting work. It is, however, a goal that I want to accomplish by the end of the year. My thinking is, if I can write 50K+ in a month, I can parcel that out to different projects. It gives me the opportunity to work on different things and still keep a manuscript in the works.

I believe that I will save editing for a summer endeavor. As soon as I can manage to find the space, I will be hooking up my printer and printing off hard copies of my manuscripts. While editing on the computer is easier in some respects, I think that editing a printed copy is going to be more portable and user friendly when the kids are on break from school.

But, that is what's on my mind right now. I hope that you all are having a wonderful day. Enjoy your own cup of tea or coffee or whatever beverage strikes your fancy. I think you've earned a few minutes to kick back and relax too. :)

Nostalgia and yarn.

I've been listening to music from the 90s and the 00s this morning. I spent some of my morning trying to get this fiber I carded to work up well for some yarn. It has lots of halo to it and is proving more difficult to spin then I thought it would. I find myself wondering if I should have gone with a different method, like perhaps borrowed my Mother in Law's viking combs.

When I got frustrated with that, I set it aside and started trying to work on a snood out of this gold colored thread that I have. I kept managing to make a very airy hyperbolic shape rather then the bag shape that a snood needs to be. It got frustrating so I set that aside. Now I am posting here. I'm doing all this stuff because I am kinda mentally stuck on what to do next with Edge of Night (the working title for the manuscript I've been writing this month).

I think when I hit post for this thing, I'm going to give working on it a shot. I'm no longer working towards a specific wordcount goal. I hit that day before yesterday. Now I'm just trying to finish the story. The problem is, I'm getting tired of the way this story is unfolding.

Snowmageddon, bookwork, and life.

If you haven't been under a rock, then you have heard about the major lake effect event that took place in my neck of the woods. Folks with snow literally higher then their heads and such. Well, we are well east of that business. The hills shelter us pretty well from lake effect off of Lake Ontario, which is closer to us. If you go a few miles north of us, you'll be at a spot that gets hit with it but only a couple miles away you have us.

Where south Buffalo and the majority of Erie county got hammered with snow from that event, we got a light dusting. I'm kinda curious how much snow they got up on the Tug Hill plateau off at the eastern end of Lake Ontario. Usually, they're the ones with the huge numbers from snowstorms. I suspect that Erie county has won the snow 'rally' that goes on between different places along the lake before it even got started. I mean, there are people who got in the span of 48 hours the amount of snow they usually get over the course of the whole season.

I was kinda concerned about my sister in law. She lives off in Attica (yes, that Attica). From what she's told me, the snow wasn't over 5 feet, so I guess they didn't get hit too hard. They have all their storm supplies so they're good for waiting until everything is cleared out. There was a bit of a scare when one of her aunts was stuck on the side of the road for most of the first day of the snow event. They got out and made it to the fire department before they were completely buried by the snow. Hopefully when the road gets plowed, their car won't get any taps from the plow. I don't know how the insurance company would handle that.

I've been quiet on here because I have been pouring pretty much all of my creative effort into the book I'm writing. Last night, I finished my word count goal for the month (50 k). I'm not done writing this thing yet, however. I am only a little past half through my plot map for the book. My goal now is to finish it before the end of the month. I surprised myself yesterday by writing almost 10 k. While today is not going to be optimal for such big word counts, I am going to try to do as much as I can with what time I have today.

I have no idea how many pages or what my final word count for this thing will be. I don't think it will be over 100 k but I may be wrong. I'm still kinda amazed that I accomplished that yesterday. Before then, the most I had written in one day was 6 k. It makes me wonder if next year I can bang out a novel in a week. Crazy thought, but I almost think I can do it. That is if my mental health state lets me.

I'm writing this while the kids are eating breakfast and we're waiting for the bus. I'm going to start trying to post in the morning at about this time so that I get back into the habit of posting on here. I want to restart posting to my various blogs. I figure this one is the most mundane of them. Thus, this one will be the easiest to start posting to again. At one point, I had a schedule for when I posted to my blogs over the week and I allowed myself time to work on my manuscripts too. After the end of November, I'm going to start doing that again. Or at least, I'm going to try to.

Homespun Holidays: Valentine's Day

It is Valentine's Day and you forgot to get your sweetheart a gift. Don't buy a box of chocolates and call it a day. Take a few minutes and make this year's celebration something memoriable by adding some personal touches. A few minutes of effort goes a long way.

Write them a Love Letter
Love letters have been around for as long as there has been some form of writing. In today's world of text messages and internet memes, there is something to be said for the romance of an old fashioned pen and paper letter. Sometimes it is difficult to put down on paper what you wish to say. It is very easy to get caught up in the temptation to give up on a letter because you feel like it is poorly written. While there is something to be said for good grammar and proper spelling, the real heart of this exercise is to put down what you feel for the person you're writing.

Allow yourself to be as wordy or as brief as you wish. Sometimes a few short lines will do a better job of expressing what you feel then what a novella could. Three important things to remember about your love letter to be successful are legiblity, honesty, and emotion. When you write your letter, use your best handwriting. If this means you write out a draft and copy it over, do so. You want your beloved to beable to read your words of admiration and esteem. Honesty and emotion go hand in hand.

As awkward as it might feel to be emotionally expressive, let those feelings of love pour out on the page. The fact that you were willing to put down in black and white what you feel will mean the world to the recipient of the letter. It speaks of the high degree of trust to allow yourself to be so vulnerable with them.

Make a Play List
Shakespeare once said "Music be the food of love." Music has a very strong emotional pull for humanity. You have several options for when you produce a play list for your beloved. One is to put one together of music that reminds you of them. Another option is to assemble a play list of music that evokes special times from your relationship. An example of this would be a play list that included the song that was playing when you met, the song that you shared your first dance to, and the music from your children's first birthday parties.

Love Coupons
If you have a stack of blank notecards and a pen, you can make a quick and simple Valentine's Day gift that can add some smolder to your special day. On one side of the card, write down something special that you could do for your sweetheart. Decorate the otherside with hearts and then wait for them to take you up on your offers.

Imagination means that the sky is the limit with these 'coupons'. You can list anything from a nice relaxing foot rub to picking up household chores they hate to do to more intimate things.

Stick Figure Lovestory Comic
Just because you're not an artist doesn't mean that you can't make a creative little comic to celebrate your love. By using the most basic of stick figures, you can tell the story of your relationship by drawing out the major events that lead up to the present day. Speech bubbles that capture memorable statements and thoughts can help make the story more detailed. If your stick figures are colored in with various colored markers, it will add to the naive look of this simple gift. For extra sentimentality, put your comic into an inexpensive frame and give it to your beloved wrapped up in fancy paper.

Read Poetry to them
There is an amazing number of love poems that have been written. Indeed, works from antiquity into the modern day that address virtually all forms of love are available. Pick two or three that you feel best describe the tone and nature of your relationship. It is always a wonderful touch to have the poems printed out for them to read along with you.
Valentine's Day is a wonderful holiday for celebrating love in all of its many forms. A few minutes of time and a little creativity, it is possible to take even the most mundane of potential gifts and elevate it to something truly special.

Snow Queen

The snow fell thickly in the darkening night,
Over head, shone the Moon, cold and bright.
The frosty wind sighs and icles gleam,
Jack Frost strides about, herald of the Snow Queen.
Woman of frozen beauty with rainments white,
She drives her chariot in on that snowy night.
Blizzard's call and her eagles' cry rattle the lock,
Waking a boy-child with the Midnight clock.

Woe, oh, woe to you, little man-kin!
Heed not her siren call, for you shall be taken.
But sorrow heaps upon sorrow,
For the little wee man shall be home no more on the 'morrow.
The Snow Queen holds the boy in her thrall.
Trappe in her glittering, enchanted hall,
Bound by fascination and the pain of heartbreak,
The child Kay resides in a snow castle by an icy lake.

The boy left his mother's loving arms
To follow that cold Queen and her charms.
Forsaking friends and family in ensorcelled bitterness,
Kay wandered the white wilderness,
Hoping for the Snow Queen to wake
And from noisome happiness this child take.

Fair weather friends thought little of his loss,
A lesson to those who think gold in so much dross.
In their minds they cared for him but scarcely a bit
Casually wounding one who loved him to the quick.

In Springtide, little Gret would play
And gather the early blooms with young Kay.
With Summer's call, the children dance and sing
Playing in the blessed faery ring.
The Snow Queen stole away young Kay but last night.

Good Ladies, dear and sweet,
Blessed faery maids sought little Gret where she weeps.
Silvered, starry voices chime and sing
Speaking of Kay and Gret's sorrowing.
Bestowing blessings and thru magic's might
The Faery maids lift Gret alight,
They name the dear girl friend,
and cry for her to wend
Away thru the bitter snow and icy night
To free the boy whom she crowned faery knight,
To pluck from his heart the thorns of cold misery,
For this would melt the Queen's hold surely.

3/23/11

Homespun Holidays: Birthdays

Ah, birthdays! As children, we often anticipate a fantastic party. The part of the birthday that we focused on the most, however, were the presents, right? When we get older, we often feel a desire to revisit the wonderful fun of our childhood birthday parties at the same time we rebel against the idea of getting older. From age 2 to 92, there are a few simple rules to keep in mind with birthday presents:

• The gift is from you to the recipient. Don't hesitate to put your unique twist on it.
• The best gifts truly are from the heart.
• Gifts that are practical as well as fun/beautiful will always be well received.

In the case of a young child, the birthday gift that is heavily focused upon the practical is not going to be enjoyed immediately. It may even provoke some anger. Gifts that are toys or related to the currently popular trend for the age group can draw the ire of parents. Gift giving to children can be a fine line to walk, but success is not entirely impossible!

If the child has a favorite activity, it is possible to incorporate this into the gift. For example, my eldest child loves trucks. He has enough toy trucks in the living room that walking from one side to the other can be potentially lethal in the middle of the night if they're not all put away at the end of the day. His birthday is coming up and there is a very real need to have a better method of putting his toys away.
A little glue, a few magazines, and a range of different sized shoe boxes are all that is needed to make an excellent gift for him in the course of an afternoon. Cut out pictures of cars and trucks, as well as construction related signs, to fix on the boxes and you have a fantastic storage solution. It also makes for a bright and colorful addition to his room. With a few pages of paper, a hole punch, more car pictures, glue, and some string, it's possible to make a flip book of cars to slip into one of the boxes.

Now, this may sound to be a fine gift for a toddler, but older children may be offended by this simplistic gift. The same creativity applied to a slightly more sophisticated version brings the gift into the school age realm. An old tool box that has been cleaned up, primed, and repainted in the child's favorite color can make an excellent place to store school supplies, craft materials, or the odds and ends that are treasured possessions of the child in question. A large piece of plywood can be transformed into a place to hang hats and sweaters, even as it is continuing the theme of the child's favorite interests.

My eldest neice loves the color pink and has started learning to cook. She is one of the infamously fickle 'tweens' who are nearly impossible to shop for. Here, it's good to encourage the learning of a life long skill (cooking) even as we acknowledge her tastes. Cutting out and sewing an apron from an old flat sheet is simply a start. Taking the fabric and tie-dying it adds dimension to it. This can then be further enhanced with iron-on embellishments, fabric paints, or sewing on interesting buttons. The excess fabric from the sheet, dyed to match the apron, can then be used to cover an inexpensive note book which will be a cooking journal.

The concept of a matched set of cooking gear is one that can be applied for teens and adults. The same can be said for gardening or similar activities. In this case, the apron and journal set could possibly be expanded to include matching hot mitts or hot pads by cutting out and sewing the excess fabric around some batting or an old towel cut to size. When the person's interests fall outside of the home or simply can not be accommodated in such a simple fashion, the challenge then turns to finding something that connects you to them.

I believe the best example that I can think of to solving this dilemma can be found in the gift that my husband gave his mother for her birthday this year. It was the gift of his time. My husband volunteered to help her with her gardening this summer. His mother is an avid gardener with arthritic knees. To say the least, she was delighted by the offer and next month will be putting him to work planting a rosebush. This type of gift is perhaps one of the best to give when viewed in the light of the economy.

Giving your time and effort doesn't just have to be in the way of giving your friends and family free labor. It can also reach into frivolous and silly things. I had given one of my nieces the gift of my being her personal storyteller for a month. It taxed my imagination to come up with a month's worth of stories about pigs, but it is something that she deeply appreciated. The trick in giving the gift of your time is to make sure it is done in a way that you can carry out the commitment. Scheduling and knowing your limitations is always important.

Most of all, however, taking the opportunity to tell the birthday person how much you love and celebrate them is vital. While you may feel that taking your 96 year old grandmother out for ice cream on Sunday afternoon is the most foolish gift you could give and that it should have been that fantastic massaging chair that was well outside of your price range, I assure you that your grandmother will be happier with spending time with you. Birthdays are about celebrating the person and expressing your good wishes for the up coming year.