Gentler sex? My German ass.

Any one who argues that women are incapable of evil or some similar nonsense on the basis of their gender is a moron of the first caliber. I read about a Rwandan woman in the news today and I was beyond disgusted. A former minister, this woman ordered the execution of helpless refugees and the rape of many women and girls. Why, one asks? Because they Tutsis and she was part of the Hutu government who felt that this minority were subhuman.

Life in prison is far too humane for this woman. A slow death with great pain and the erosion of her sense of dignity is far too kind even. I don't know what an appropriate punishment is for someone who orders the genocide of another people or the systematic sexual torture of others. Anyone who claims that knowledge of Christian values serves to prevent barbarism is willfully ignorant of cases like this.

Ranting again.

This time, it's not people from Facebook in my sights. It's an acquaintance of mine. I can recognize that disability takes a heavy toll. As some one who has been diagnosed as disabled myself after *decades* of being undiagnosed, I fully comprehend just how difficult it is to move forward in life despite it. Disability, however, doesn't serve as a blank check to get you out of being a responsible adult. Having a marriage that is on the rocks doesn't excuse being a self absorbed, immature 'brat'.

An active and inquisitive child does not make them a brat, neither does their age. Brat is not a term of endearment. It's an insult and it means that the child is spoiled, irresponsible, and unmannered. Sounds more like the parent then the child, in my stated opinion.

I don't like you. I pity you because you seem to lack the intellectual ability to behave as an adult. I out grew the childish behavior that you regularly indulge in when I was in my early teens. You're almost forty, it's well past time you grew up. One of these days, I'm going to tell you exactly what I think of you, your husband, and both of your behavior. It seems like the only one who has something going on upstairs is the child and the inmates are running the asylum.

Rambling in the garden.

I have a bit of a garden going. It isn't all in one spot but that doesn't really matter. It's now been almost a month now that I have been working at this. I'm learning a fair amount as I go along. Among the first things I think I can say I have learned is that I prefer gardening alone to having help. It is a relaxing, meditative, prayerful act that helps to center me in the face of my constant anxiety.

I have also discovered that I get cranky if I go too long with out having some kind of interaction with my plants. I am concerned that some of the seeds I have planted won't come up. It was something of a disappointment to realize that I worried about the plants. It made that bitter critic in me mutter 'as if you didn't have enough to worry about...' That was a rather hurtful moment. The other was when I discovered that my miniature rosebushes just are not going to bloom more. I am holding out hope that there will be additional future blooms, but I have a bad feeling they may just be done for the season.

It has been one of the areas in my life that is relatively untouched by my creative block. I suppose that is because the plants I am growing are all fairly hardy and tend to take care of themselves to some extent. I just need to water them and weed. I don't have to put myself much more on the proverbial line then that. For a little bit of time, I am being rewarded with an abundance of fresh herbs to cook with, healthy tomato and pepper plants, and (soon) fresh strawberries. Now I just have to be patient enough to let the flowers come up.

On writing, knitting, & other art projects

It has been a grueling week for me artistically speaking. The only form of artwork that hasn't been semi-painful to endure is my knitting. I've been forcing myself to write. It hasn't been fun in any sense of the word. The morning pages feel like they're filled with epic failure and minutia that really shouldn't be penned.

The Sanctuary manuscript only has a handful of pages added to it. Most of them are just flat and have been excruciating to write. It's funny, according to the word count, I have it finished. That's how I won NaNoWriMo. The story, however, isn't done. I still need to find a way to marry the work I have typed on the computer with what I have hand written in a note book. I haven't even fleshed out the scenes that I barely put to paper in something of an outline.

I'm struggling with an enormous sense of apathy and creative drought (Julia Cameron really hit the nail on the head with coming up with that expression) in my textile arts. The knitting is like a band-aid. My crochet washcloth book is languishing for want of writing down patterns.

My loom is idle. I have it warped but I just can't muster up the emotional effort to sit down and weave. I can't seem to figure out what I want to even use for my weft here. I used my handspun purple merino to warp it. I adore the color but now... I can't figure out what I want to use to weave. A part of me says I have to use wool while another part says I need to just grab what ever I have on hand and start throwing the shuttle.

Some how, my sketch book has gone missing. The project room ate it, I think. I have been mourning the loss of that particular item, though I haven't felt particularly pressured to draw or paint. I feel pretty bad about the fact that I haven't been painting. I just can't get past this enormous sense of failure. I don't know why I feel like a failure in my painting, but I do.

It all comes together in this black morass of misery. The morning pages, I suppose, are like my lifeline or something. I'd prefer a golden thread to help me get out of this labyrinth of a block, to be honest.

Ramblings

Snuggle-Bug is sitting on my lap as I type this and we're listening to Pollywog In A Bog. We like the Barenaked Ladies' album Snacktime. The boys really enjoy the songs and will dance around the living room to them. Hubby enjoys this one too - Drawing. The album is full of a lot of fun music and BNL has a great sense of humor. We had enjoyed BNL in high school when were first introduced to their work. As time goes on and we explore their work, we just find more reasons to love this group.

I was just stunned by the news today...

Really, I was utterly shocked when I read this article from Reuters. Scientists have proven that formaldehyde is bad for you. Not just kinda icky, but really bad for you. I am in awe and horror.

How was the sarcasm? Did I do a good job? Did I fool you? ... No? Yeah, I wouldn't have believed me either. Don't feel bad. Get ready, kids, here comes the rant!

Ok, I'm going to make an assumption here that a large majority of my readers are in the USA and have (or will have) taken a high school biology class. And in something like 95% of those biology classes around the country, you are required to do a dissection. It may be of worms, fetal pigs, frogs, or even fluffy the cat. In most of those cases, the critter to be chopped up is preserved in ... (wait for it!) ... FORMALDEHYDE!

Now, maybe it's just me and my redneck-hillbilly ideas, but if they use it to PRESERVE DEAD THINGS, it might not be such a good thing to consume. We drink alcohol. Too much alcohol is bad for you. We eat stuff with salt in/on it. Too much salt is bad for you. We consume foods with tannic acid in it. You know what I'm going to say next, so I'll spare you the obvious statement. Now, small amounts of alcohol, salt, or tannic acid won't kill you. That's why we can drink wine, eat our salt coated french fries, or have that cup of tea and NOT die.

When you look at compounds like formaldehyde, one glaring thing REALLY stands out. It is a POISON. Every container you find of the substance tells you NOT to consume it. Don't drink, eat, or breathe the fume. It is BAD for you. Who in the nine hells do you expect really wants to have some formaldehyde on the side of their meal? Last I checked, it wasn't the new monosodium glutamate (aka MSG) that you sprinkled on everything to make it more flavorful by tricking your taste buds and subsequently becoming addicted to it.

Oh... wait... I wasn't supposed to mention that bit about MSG. Oops. ... *Shifty Eyes* We'll just keep that little secret between us, ok? *Winks*

Back to the rant... Anybody who has been in high school biology most likely remembers the strict admonishments of their teachers not to smell, taste, or otherwise consume their experiment. Just a ... well, a little suspicion here... If a substance is OBVIOUSLY poisonous, it's probably safe to assume it's going to have a laundry list of other REALLY bad effects on the body. If you're lucky, cancer is the least of them.

It wasn't just the Visigoths who did in the Romans. It was the lead pipes too. Trace amounts of lead in the water resulted in lead poisoning. Lead poisoning is BAD. It screws up your brain. So... perhaps we're dealing with some of the modern version of lead pipes for Rome. Just a theory, mind you. Honestly, are we supposed to be shocked and hail this "discovery" as some earth shattering news? It's fucking formaldehyde, people.

Pardon me, I'm going to go look for my nearest source of lead and drink up. I obviously am functioning at too high of a brain power for my country because I didn't need this discovery to tell me that a poison is bad for me.

Space Race part 2?

I read an article stating that NASA is going to use a vehicle from Lockheed for future missions. Reading the article over and the oblique statement that NASA is considering manned missions deeper into space, I was struck by two things. The first was that the process by which a man (or woman) is launched into space hasn't really changed all that much over the years. You put them into a small orbiter and strap 'em to a *BIG* rocket. Then you pray it doesn't blow up on the launch pad or have some other catastrophic failure.

For some reason, I thought we'd get farther in our efforts to explore space more efficiently. Reusable orbiters are awesome, don't get me wrong. I thought that was one of the more awesome aspects to the space shuttle. But... I don't know how to phrase it. I was struck with some kind of hope that with the X prize and the research being done in various private sectors (who are all in a bidding war for the next 'space shuttle' nod from NASA) that somebody would possibly develop a better launch system.

The second thing that occurred to me was just how deep into space are they talking about going? Science fiction has dreamed of interstellar and intergalactic travel. Parsecs ticked off like miles on the odometer, and such. Is it a dream or a nightmare that our government who can't manage to figure out how to keep the roads in decent repair is planning their next proverbial moon shot and talking about deep space? I can't shake the image of Hal losing it's marbles. Something about this talk of deep space exploration strikes me as unnerving, but I can't quite place my finger on it.

Rambling thoughts.

I'm not really sure what to write here. It's been ... Well, it's been quite a while since I've sat down and posted in here. I feel inadequate right now. I think it's just a passing thing, however. It's been a long day.

Cuddle-Bear (my eldest) is starting preschool. We've gone in for a few hours over the last several days. He's taking to it very well. They're talking about transferring his speech therapy and occupational therapy to being done at the preschool in the fall. I'm trying hard not to be nervous about this.

He's improved a lot over the last several months with the speech therapy. We're getting actual sentences out of him where it was before one word responses. He's beginning to show some improvement with his diction and pronunciation. His vocabulary is just blooming beautifully as well.

We've only just started the occupational therapy. (As in, last week was his first session.) I really don't understand what all of it is about. The gal who is his therapist says that a big part of what they're going to be working on is sensory processing. She says that will help him get past things like his utter terror of the vacuum cleaner. I really want to see him succeed, and if this is what's needed, then so be it.

Snuggle-Bug is teething, again. And this child... oh good goddess, he's a handful. I didn't realize how much we were spoiled with Cuddle-Bear until Snuggle-Bug started getting into mischief. He's 18 months going on 3, I swear. One of Snuggle-Bug's favorite things to do, right now, is to climb on the furniture and stand up.

It'd be one thing if the furniture he chose to do this was stationary. The desk chair at Beloved's desk, however, is most certainly NOT. This resulted in a tumble this morning, which I think upset his Grandpa more then it upset him. The boy's also been eying the bookcases with interest. I think I'm going to have a lot more gray hair by the time we get done with this phase.

And then there was Snuggle-Bug's newest trick. Since he's teething, his nose has been a bit runny. Sometime today, Snuggle-Bug discovered he could blow snot out of his nose. It resulted in laughter from Cuddle-Bear and great disgust from Grandma and I. He kept doing it and I think we must have gone through at least half a box of tissues. I'd say my feelings on this 'accomplishment' can be summed up in one word: EW!

Beloved's birthday is tomorrow. I gave him his presents early. I made him hypnotoad and camo ninja. Camo ninja comes from the movie Ninja Terminator. It was his birthday present a few years ago. Hilariously bad kung fu movie; if you need a laugh, watch it. Hypnotoad is hypnotoad. I'll be posting the patterns for these up soon.

I'm not sure what else to add. I guess that's it for today.

Facebook ranting.

Yesterday Hubby pointed out that the 'Facebook activisim' is ridiculous. I took it a step farther and called it activism for cowards. I suspect that offended a few people. To be honest, I kinda hope it did. I can't stand the idea that spamming your friends (a few hundred people) with the same bullshit status multiple times with the request that they spam people on their list is some how socially acceptable.

It's like chain letters. I absolutely abhor chain letters. I have since I was a kid. The idea that not sending it on to five other (or what ever the random number generated is) will bring you bad luck or some other misfortune is as laughable as the idea that it will bring good luck. With the popularity of social networking sites, I suppose the chain letter phenomenon was going to catch up to there as well. The whole concept disgusts and infuriates me especially when it comes to matters of social responsibility.

If you feel strongly about an issue (such as child abuse) and you want to do something about it, get off your misbegotten ass. Spamming people or sending chain letters is a pathetic attempt to placate one's sense of social responsibility with no effort. It's a lot like just praying for someone who is unable to put food on their table. Prayer by itself may be powerful but it's nothing compared to prayer supported by action, such as helping that person to get a hold of their local food pantry.

Waving your internet sign from your internet soapbox will be useless unless you have some real action to support it. You may not be able to go march in the streets but there's always *something* that can be done, even by one person who is flat broke. There's an old expression, God helps he who helps himself. It means get off your lazy ass and do something about the problem.

Blog Reboot Coming Soon!

Hi folks!

I haven't written in here in a while. I'm going to be completely rebooting this thing. New format and such. I expect to have that done in about a week. Soo... if you have any favorites to read, read 'em quick. They're going to be getting filed away soon.

One month down, eleven to go.

It's been a little while since I posted in here. Part of the reason why I have been delinquent in my posting is because I've been rather busy trying to get the chaos of the house under some semblance of order. Part of the reason is the questionable fun of motherhood and the true fun of motherhood (puking babies are the former, walking babies chasing falling leave are the latter). And finally, I've been unsure what to post here that would not be damning. It's been ... difficult and I have been giving it a lot of thought.

Nothing hidden on the Internet can say hidden forever. I can only hide my identity so well before I am ferreted out by some truly diligent soul. There are legal ramifications of my nervous breakdown that I hadn't expected in a million years. Ramifications that force me to consider what to write down where and who I talk to about what. And I don't like it.

Mental illness is not a crime. Asking for help when struggling with mental illness is not a criminal act. I, however, am being treated like a criminal. Sure, you can say that all of the constraints that I am under are for the sake of protecting the children but it's a lie. Why is it a lie? Because of one simple fact, the entire case against me is built upon a tissue of lies, cherry-picking evidence for the most alarming details, and conveniently omitted facts. This is how the government operates, folks.

I made the mistake that my good friend did and here I am caught up in the gears of this thing. I'm told that because large sections of the stuff I'm dealing with are boiler-plate details, not anything personal, that I should be thankful that is all I have to deal with. I'm sorry, but I can not swallow my outrage and hold still for the proceedings while they have me over a barrel, and then say 'Thank you, sir, may I have another?'

Mental illness should be treated like any other illness. Just because a person is ill doesn't mean they are neglecting their children. It doesn't necessarily make them a danger to their family and loved ones. When medication is working correctly and all therapeutic avenues are clearly progressing as they should be, there is no reason to black ball the person who is ill. Yet, here I am, being the person with the Black Spot and all for the sake of what, the appeasement of the sense of horror that was felt by some people who were squeamish in the face of suicidal depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If that little glimpse into my world made them quail in terror, they should try living it. They should try dealing with the pain of the past and the effort it take everyday to get thru it. Everyday, I have the silent prayer that my PTSD will not rear it's ugly head. Everyday, I have the silent prayer that my depression will not rob me of the joy of my children's early childhood. Everyday, I struggle forward and do my damnedest to keep these proverbial monsters from overshadowing my family. I can't afford to have a bad flashback because it will scare my children.

Now, I can't afford to have a bad flashback because these lily liveried bureaucrats will see it as evidence that I am incapacitated in some fashion and unable to care for my children. I have been dealing with this from before my kids were born. I was a productive and reasonable member of society prior to this nervous breakdown. I was a productive and reasonable member of society prior to having children. Now, I'm being told that I am a danger but not enough of a danger to lock away. That kind of back handed bullshit I grew up with, it hurts like hell. I'm not going to tolerate it anymore.

I'll mind my Ps and Qs. I'll bide my time. Justice is on my side and when it is time, I'm going to show these people just how big of a mistake it was to piss in my cornflakes.

Update

For a brief time, I suppose I could say that I truly did lose my mind. A few weeks ago, I got home from an approximately month long stay at the hospital for a nervous breakdown. I'm doing much better and my medications are helping a lot. It was, however, one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had in my life. I'm not exactly of a mind to talk about it here, but it is enough to say that the Psych ward was the exact opposite of what I expected and I obviously survived the experience.

One of the results of my stay at the hospital was an almost literal explosion of artwork. I'm finishing projects left and right even as I have been working on filling two books with sketches. I have decided to start selling my art work on Etsy and I will be posting links to it. I could argue that I have acquired a new totem as well - the butterfly. The butterfly, the phoenix, the cat, and the raven were all quite present for me as I was working thru my efforts at the hospital.

Images of the four popped up quite frequently and I found myself contemplating them very often. The butterfly and the phoenix are symbols of radical transformation. The cat is a symbol of independence, healing, and protection. The raven is a symbol of introspection, courage, and self-knowledge. The four, together, represent a great deal of who and what I am. Additional meanings, as I read about them, have been most illuminating.

I suspect as time goes on, I'm going to find more and more about these totems to be true about the situation I've been living in. Interestingly, the cat is a symbol of the Norse goddess Freja, who has been quite present in my dreams, as well as of Frigga. The raven represents Odin, who has been very present as well. I'm not entirely sure why I have been having so many dreams focused upon the Teutonic aspect of my heritage.

I think it may be because I'm in the midst of redefining how I approach my heritage. I am redefining my relationship with my side of the extended family and how I approach my memories. It has been difficult but it has also been necessary, thus I do so. I'm not sure what else to add. I'll probably think of more later.

Project notes, ramblings, etc.

I've been busy with fiber recently. I haven't spun up any new yarn, though I do have some wool that I'm in the midst of carding. The scarf that I'm knitting for Beloved is progressing well. The same is true for the blanket that I'm making for a friend of mine. It may be done before September, thus freeing up time to make some different items for Yule then I was considering.

I made up a 'prayer shawl' for myself last month. It was an effort to soothe my anxiety and I suppose it did to some good. When I wear or hold it, it does help ease my anxiety. It is something that I've decided I'm going to be wearing when I meditate, which I really do need to do more often. I just finished a second one for a friend of mine's mother. It's done up in the lovely purple yarn that my Mother-In-Law gave me for Mother's day. I still have a bunch of that yarn that needs to be wound up into balls. I think I used about a third of what she gave me. I'm undecided for what to do with the rest of that lavender colored yarn, but I'll figure something out. I'm definately going to make something for myself with it, however.

And then there's the 'art' piece that I'm making. I have some red lace weight cotton thread that I'm crocheting up into a very large granny square. It is to be a wall hanging. At the top and bottom will be dowels to hold it straight. Along the bottom will also be tassels, I'm undecided if they're going to be in red as well or if there will be beads. I'm considering if I want to weave a bit of gold colored thread into this when it is finished or not. I do know that I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with it when it is done.

I started work on this and knew already what the project was going to be titled: Penelope. The myth of the Odyssey has been coming to mind a lot over the last several months as I've been doing stuff with fiber so I decided I'd make something. As I am still having some difficulty with my loom, I decided that I'd crochet this. Initially, I was thinking about weaving something but I changed my mind because of ... technical difficulties.

Oiy! 2 months?!?

I've been busy over the last several months. Mainly in coping with depression thru the wonder of modern medicine, producing or working on producing lots and lots of fiber art, and attempting to keep up with two very active little kids. Beloved has taught me how to upload pictures from the camera to the computer. This means that it's only a few small steps to adding pictures.

I'll be adding them later because I'm a little to tired to figure out how to beat this business into submission. :P

Oiy, time flies.

Well, I suppose I should briefly give the rundown of what's been going on over the last few weeks. I'm still depressed but I'm now seeing a counselor. My second appointment is tomorrow and on the 29th I'll be meeting with a psychiatrist to determine if the medication I'm on is correct for my condition. I'm not really looking forward to either appointment, but they're something of a necessary evil right now. Between my problems with daily flashbacks, difficulty sleeping, and deep depression that frequently tends towards feeling suicidal, I can't just say that I'll tough this out.

I've been writing J- when I'm not feeling terribly inadequate about it. I don't know why it's been making me feel that way, I think it's another manifestation of my depression and some of the social anxiety I'm struggling with right now. To say the least, he's going to be getting a moderately sized stack of letters from me with the various attempts to write a story for him in there as well as the various other half finished letters I wrote. I think he'll be relieved to read that I am seeing a counselor.

I did a little more with the Tunisian Crochet. I made a vest for Cuddle-Bear in this fairly nice commercially made yarn. It's a sport weight yarn in a lovely chocolate brown color. It suits him fairly well. I still need to put some buttons on it, but he already loves it. I think the fact that he decided to try to wear it as a hat could have been among the most hilarious parts of the whole deal in giving it to him. I'm now attempting to learn how to do entrelac with the Tunisian Crochet hook. I think I can truly say that I am a masochist because this is driving me crazy. I keep trying but it's just not coming out right yet and this is after almost two weeks of effort. Rome wasn't built in a day and such, but good grief I know I'm smart enough to figure this out.

I am spinning up more yarn of my own. My mother in law gave me a bunch of her remnants to use towards my big project for Beloved. His scarf is coming right along. I'm using a pair of large knitting needles on this so that the scarf will be quite warm. As it stands, it's going to be pretty wide and I'm fairly sure this thing is going to be... painful to look at long before I reach the point of being half finished. Already, there is a lot of internal clashing of colors. Washing and blocking this thing will be an adventure because it's a combination of several different kinds of yarn. Commercially made, hand made, synthetic, natural, and what feels like everything in between is going into this thing. I'm fairly sure he'll wear it with great pride.

My mother in law took me out to a meeting of the Genesee Valley Spinner's Guild yesterday up in Victor, NY. They are a lovely bunch of people and if I wasn't so caught up in my social anxiety, I think I'd have had more conversations then I did. She brought along some roving for me to spin if I ran out of what I brought with me. It was a good thing she brought it because I did. One of the two batches of roving was absolutely charming. It had a really lovely feel to it and the dye job was fun. Looking at it, all I could think of was a watermelon.

As such, I'm calling the chunky yarn that I made by that name. I'm going to be saving a snippet of it in my scrap book and writing a note about how it was to spin. She didn't tell me what kind of wool it was from but my guess from how it felt in my hand was that it was Merino. She also gave me some really fun and heavier wool roving that has a blend of red, indigo, and dark gray to it. I'm spinning that up into a chunky yarn. The colors of that reminds me of a fading sunset. So I may call that yarn by that name too. I figure if the professionals get to name their yarns, I can do the same too!

I'm taking the proverbial miles of yarn that I have sitting here which is handspun (by myself and others) and I'm going to be turning it into a blanket for a friend of mine. I was trying to get others together to help me make a quilt but that project rather stalled out. So, I'm going to be doing it on my own. Rather then making two big quilts this year, I'm only going to make one and I'm going to crochet the other blanket. I will be making a crib quilt for Snuggle-Bug because I didn't make him one last year. Cuddle-Bear still loves his though he has clearly out grown it. I'm considering making him a patchwork afghan for the toddler bed he's going to be getting soon. I am still debating on that project. I don't want to take on too many things right now.

One of my maternal aunts has a charity project that she is involved with in donating teddy bears to needy children. I'm going to be making a few and donating them up here in memory of my late cousin Matthew. I was going to send them down to her but she wants me to donate them up here in her son's memory. I am thinking that I should also make up some hats or blankets to donate for the babies at the hospital too. I really felt good about giving that blanket to the gal who had nobody there for her when she was at the hospital to have her baby.

Apparently she didn't have a baby shower or anything, the father of the baby left her, and she was all alone as she sat there laboring. My heart was breaking for her and rather then just sitting there feeling badly, I gave her the baby blanket I had just finished making with yarn scraps I had. I think that it's good for somebody to have something special for when their baby comes into the world. Blankets and hats are always useful for newborns.

I'm playing with yarn again.

As part of my effort to cope with my anxiety and stress, I'm striving to learn some new crochet techniques. I have this really nifty Tunisian Crochet hook and it's been a real eye opener as to how fast it uses up yarn. My first project was to make myself a crochet hook holder. It was insanely simple because the whole thing is just a rectangle made with the basic stitch.

I'm almost finished making a scarf for a surprise gift to somebody. It's shocking how fast this thing is working up. Over the course of about a week (where I work on this thing for about 2 to 3 hours in the evening), I have it almost finished. This thing is almost a full yard long. It's really shocking to me how fast this works up. It's also rather startling how much yarn gets used for it. I'm pretty sure that I could make some truly nice and warm sweaters for the boys over the course of a few evenings in this method. Given that Cuddle-Bear has outgrown the sweater I made for him so fast that he got to wear it for about two weeks. :P Hmm... I think I need to locate yarn...

In one of my crochet magazines, they discuss methods for making lace using Tunisian Crochet. I'm considering using some of the fine yarn that I made last year to do so. Once I get this scarf finished, I am going to be plying together the two balls of singles that I made with the Corridale wool that my mother-in-law gave me last year. I still have that lovely deep blue wool to finish spinning up. I haven't fully decided how I'm going to use it but there's some patterns that have caught my eye.

Household Notebook: Status - meh.

I've only gotten one section done. And it's not even properly done yet. I'm just finding it difficult to sit down and put this thing together. I know that it would do a world of good for keeping things straightened out and organized around here. It doesn't change, however, that when I look at this project I simply see a huge amount of effort to be expended in one shot.

My motivation is lacking. My apathy is showing.

Ramblings.

It's been bothering me for a little while now, this whole business with the stack of bills being bigger then the amount of money we have coming in. I think that I need to do something to bring some form of money into the house but I don't know what to do. I am debating hopping back on to Keen and giving all of that another try. I'm also considering looking into something like medical billing or something else similar. It's hard because I'm petrified of the idea that I'm going to do something wrong and make a difficult situation even worse.

We can't pay our bills on Beloved's income. There's no way around it. We've been doing everything we can, but there's no way we can keep this up. Something is going to have to be sacrificed and I don't know what we can sacrifice. I don't know how we're going to pay for my counseling but I have to admit that I need it now. I've been trying to get by with out it but it's just hit that point where I need to work with somebody. I need to figure out what we're going to do for a babysitter when I have my sessions. I know that I can't go to any of my side of the family because the people in any other family that wasn't as fucked up as mine... well, I've got my Aunt and my brother's soon to be ex-wife for support there and that's it.

Sure, the rest of them can pay lip service to how they care and stuff but they haven't been around and it's just not going to happen with my parents. My grandparents, as much as they'd like to, simply are not going to be able to do so. My grandfather has his hands full just caring for my grandmother as the Alzheimer's robs her of her sanity. I can't ask him to mind two little boys on top of that. Alzheimer's does funny things to the brain and everybody recognizes that it's safest for everyone involved to have my grandmother supervised when around small children. Not because she's a dangerous person but because she's been forgetful to the point of nearly burning herself in the middle of cooking dinner.

Beloved's family is a lot like mine in that respect also. Theoretically, we could call on his sister or his brother, but life is getting in the way there. Schedules are crazy and rarely do they match up enough for us to get together for something planned. We've called on his parents quite a bit for help. But life has been throwing them curve balls too, so I don't know what we're going to do. I'm considering talking to the neighbor next door to see if they can watch the boys for a little bit.

Beloved kinda snarls at the prospect of the teenagers over there watching them and says that they're not responsible enough. I don't think he realizes that we're pretty much out of other options here. It's that or nothing.

I'm worried. We don't have enough money and we've got a pile of bills that need paid. Rent is going to be due for next month soon and there's no way we can pay it along with everything else. We've got the power bill that hasn't been paid for two months, the car payment that is in the same position, and I don't even know what's going on with the health insurance. He has been declared in default on his student loans and I'm in danger of the same with mine. We simply can't pay them. We'd love to but we just don't have the money.

Unlike other people, we don't have a pile of credit card bills as the source of our problems. It's instead the everyday bills like the cost of doing laundry, groceries, and various other things. I'm terrified that we're going to actually owe money on our taxes this year. I can't shake the terrible feeling that he's going to be laid off again in the near future. While his boss gets to sit on his ass and bitch and moan about things while he fucks around with stupid shit and pet projects, we're going to be scrambling to find where we can cut more out of our budget to pay for groceries and diapers. And the god damn state will still tell us that we don't qualify for financial assistance because he's a few hundred dollars over the line for anything.

But, I look around and I see other people who aren't doing their damnedest to try and keep going basically getting rewarded for not doing shit. I've got neighbors who spend almost as much on beer and hard liquor for a weekend as we do for a car payment. They sit there and moan about how expensive everything is, while their heating bills are paid by somebody else, their groceries are paid for by WIC or food stamps, and their rent is subsidized. I don't have a problem with welfare but the system is broken. When you're told to get fired from your job to get more assistance, that's a sign that something is seriously wrong.

But what can I do about it? My vote doesn't change things. My efforts to remain independent and make things work without assistance (because I'm told that I don't qualify due to a technicality) get me nowhere. We have no savings because each major crisis that came along has eaten everything we've tried to save. We tried to put all the money that people had given us as gifts for the boys aside, but that has been eaten as well. We're down to 40 dollars in our emergency fund.

I don't know if we should pull the money out of the 401K or not. It would only be a temporary solution anyways because we've got enough debt hanging over our heads that it'd be gone in a few weeks if we started doing what we could to make the bills go away. We're coming up fast on a crisis point and I don't know what we can do about it. That terrifies me. I remember not having enough money to buy food and Mom foraging for stuff we can eat from the woods. I remember not having enough money to get new clothes for school.

I love my children...

I love my children but they are just driving me crazy at the moment. Anyone who tells you that toddlers are easy to deal with is lying to you. Seriously, they are. How can I say this? Because my 2 1/2 year old son is a sweet child that is out to make me pull my hair out. He has thrown the largest temper tantrums recently and I'm not sure if it's because he's teething, suffering from cabin fever (because the weather hasn't been exactly kind to us going outside recently), or if he's just been in a perverse mood. Either way, I find myself wondering what on earth I was thinking when I so desperately wished for children because I had no clue what so ever how difficult this was going to be.

And my friends and family members with older children tell me it only gets better. Is this a good type of better or the sarcastic kind, because I'm kind of dreading this. Ah well, at least the baby is napping and Cuddle-Bear has stopped screaming to play with his hair brush. Granted, it's a bit annoying that he's decided to brush the baby gate with it, but you know what, he's not doing any harm so I'm not going to reprimand him for it. Annoying is better then ear-splitting shrieks any day of the week.

Wait! What...?

I'm sitting here feeding Snuggle-Bug his morning bottle when I read this article and I'm taken aback by the hubris. While I recognize there is some pro-Iran and anti-US bias here, there would be no story if the two Senators actually hadn't said or done anything along these lines. Pushing for passage of a bill that calls for official US support of the undermining of another sovereign nation is tantamount to a soft declaration of war against that nation. I say a soft declaration of war because these two bloated cowards that play at being leaders of this nation lack the intestinal fortitude to put forth an actual declaration.

If you are going to demand a regime change and you are throwing official support behind the people opposing the sitting government, how does that make you any different from Osama Bin Laden? Furthermore, how does it make this country any different from the nations that are currently labeled as our enemies in the 'War on Terror"? Honestly, you hypocrites, do you really expect me to believe that you are some how morally superior to the others out there who call for the same things regarding our nation? While you sit there comfortably ensconced in the halls of power over there in Washington, DC, the rest of the nation is expecting you to do your damn job, not dick around with this bullshit.

How is it your job to make soft declarations of war against another nation that has not taken any aggressive action against our own? How is it your job to make a soft declaration of war when we're currently engaged in two right now? If you wanted to be technical about it, it is two different theaters of the same war. Either way, you're not there to be doing this shit. You want to be an asshole, do it on your own time. The people of this nation are not served by your encouraging hostility and tensions in the Middle East along with anti-US sentiment around the world. Your doing idiotic shit like this justifies the logic of people like Osama Bin Laden for why they're engaged in asymmetrical warfare against us. If I recall correctly that is the current term used to describe the changes in modern warfare that have come with the rise of terrorism, right?

Each day that the current war extends out longer is going to be on your head. Each additional attack against US interests and citizens around the world is going to be on your head. Each death that comes from these things is going to be blood on your hands. You are just as culpable as the guy who pulled the trigger because you placed US citizens in this position with your chest pounding rhetoric. If my youngest brother dies in combat, you are his murderer along with the person who pulled the trigger.

Why? Because that person may as well have been the gun in your hand, for you sent my brother there along with many others of my countrymen. There is no justice in this war. There hasn't been from day one. It was started out of a desire to blindly attack and get revenge. It continues out of political machinations. I suppose Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia or what ever the enemy de juor.

As an aside: Ironically, my misspelling 'de juor' was 'de jure'. It could be equally apt in this situation.