What the boy & I did today: 2/24/09

I've decided to start posting what my son and I do on a daily basis. It will help me to update this on a more regular basis and I think it'll serve to bring a little amusement to folks around too. So, here is the first installment.

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The morning was a bit busy from the word 'go'. The boy was up at the crack of dawn and playing in his crib with his toys. Usually, I get him and bring him down for breakfast at 8:30. Today, because I was up at 6:30, I went and got him shortly after he was up. So breakfast was an hour early today. He absolutely enjoyed the bananas we had this morning and completely ignored his cereal 'O's.

He played on the floor with his stuffed dog toy that sings and his big blue fuzzy bear while I finished up some writing in my journal. When I was done, we read a few stories. He has several favorites but right now the one that is top of his list for when we're downstairs is 'Bumpy Tractor'. Most days we alternate between that one and the other in the box set, 'Speedy Firetruck' but for the last three days now he has been all about 'Bumpy Tractor'.

I hope that he decides to go back to alternating between his favorites because I'm starting to have dreams about reading that story! At least they're not nightmares of the endless 'Speedy Firetruck'. That was a result of reading it at least a dozen times over one week! I was ready to go hide that thing!

After reading 'Bumpy Tractor' two times and reading a second hand copy of 'If I had a Little Train', we listened to the news on the TV and to the boy's 'Spin 'n' Grin Snail' play Camptown Races. The boy was rather entertained by the weather man giving his report of what we should expect over the next few days. I don't claim to understand it, but the boy will stop what he is doing and just stare at the TV when ever some one is giving a weather report. I think he gets it from my side of the family. After all, I have a grandfather, a father, an uncle, and two brothers who watch the Weather Channel constantly.

I turned off the TV before I got out the coloring book and his big crayons. We sat on the floor with my lap desk and first he watched as I colored a picture of a ship. Then he and I worked together on a picture of art supplies, with him picking the colors I used and finally coloring some himself. He colored some on a picture of a tractor with an apple tree. This was after I had colored in the apples on the tree purple because he pointed at them and handed me the purple crayon.

When it was time to pick up for the morning snack... Well, we had a melt down. The boy wanted to keep his crayons and we had to put them away. I'm glad that he didn't try to crawl away with the three he had in his hands. That could have made things a bit difficult. Instead, he just sat and fussed at me. Once I put his snack in front of him, however, all fussing stopped. It's amazing what a few cookies and a cup of juice will do. :)

Then came the barrage of songs. I sing alot with my son. He can't quite manage to sing but he'll coo at me or babble along with the songs at times. He has started to do what he can for the hand gestures to accompany 'Itsy Bitsy Spider'. He's been doing his best to keep up with 'Baby Bumble Bee' and '5 Little Ducks.' A bout a day or so ago, the boy has started to point at his head at the beginning of 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes' and he started to clap to 'If You're Happy and You Know It.'

I'll post up a list of lyrics for these in case anyone reading this doesn't know what I'm talking about. I'll also note the hand gestures. My young neices absolutely love it when I do these songs with them too. :) I suppose working at a daycare did me some good after all. :)

The boy started to fuss and rub his eyes a little bit at about 11. So, I asked him if he wanted a nap. Usually, nap time is about 12:30 or 1 pm (right after lunch). I wasn't horribly surprised when he said yes in answer to my question. So, he went down for a nap and I did too. I woke up almost an hour before him. My little man slept for a long nap today! He fell asleep at about 11:15 and woke up at almost 2:30 in the afternoon (when he usually wakes up from his nap).

Lunch time went well. He ate up his sandwich and didn't really pull it apart too much. I was surprised, actually, how well he did with his lunch. I figured he was going to play with it some but he didn't. He poked at his fruit a little before eating it but on the whole he ate very, very well. I'm hoping this good behavior streak with his food is going to carry on into dinner tonight.

After lunch, we played with blocks some and then played with his trucks. I'm proud of the boy because he stacked one block on top of the other on purpose a few times this afternoon. We piled up the blocks, using his trucks. Instead of the expected temper-tantrum when I started to put the blocks away, he sat down in the corner with all of his books and started 'reading'. This means pulling out all of his downstairs board books and sitting in the middle of the pile as he looks at the pictures.

I then began composing this entry as the boy has been playing independently with various stuffed toys and noise making toys. He is fussing a little now, but I think part of it is because his sippy cup was out of reach until just a moment ago and it is starting to get towards dinner time. We're also close to the evening fussing because Daddy is not home from work yet.

As I sit here and think about this entry, I'm debating possibly posting up the 'menu' that we do each day. I'm sure some folks would freak out over some of the stuff I feed the boy, but he does good with it and generally enjoys it considerably. The pediatrician has no complaints either, beyond the fact that he thinks we started him a little to early on solid food. When the child is smacking his lips and screaming because he is not getting any of your sandwhich, that's a rather impossible to ignore sign that the child is probably ready for the infant cereal. No harm has come from it, so we're not worried over it.

Well, I feel... crushed.

My dreams of a house to move into kinda went poof in the last 15 minutes. I spoke to the mortgage guy who was recommended to us by the Realtor who is a friend of the family. We might have qualified if we didn't have the issue with the student loans and we did things in my husband's name. My problems with the damn credit card company has made me ... well... definately not a candidate in any fashion at all for a mortgage, even one of these nifty ones that the government has set up for people with low credit ratings and such.

The fact that our student loans are in forbearance... Well, that pretty much was the kiss of death. We're welcome to get a hold of the mortgage guy after we get our student loans out of forbearance and paid on for a year. The mortgage guy told me that it would be a functionally insurmountable strike against us on applying.

I want to cry right now. 90% of the places listed for rent and roughly the size we need we can't afford. I don't know what to do. We can't stay in this place that we're living in right now. We can't afford the new rent they're going to charge us. We simply can't afford that.

I don't know if I should plan on going back to work or not right now. I don't know if we're going to afford to feed ourselves after this new baby is born. I... I thought we were going to be able to do so. But now... Now I don't know. If we have to move into a place that we have to pay rent that is 100 to 200 dollars more a month then what we are paying now, that makes finances really difficult. Adding my son into the picture added roughly two hundred dollars a month in expenses to our bills before he was born. I figure the new baby is going to do about the same thing.

I just want to cry. I'm so psychologically fucked up with other shit that I can't manage to get my head screwed on right to work from home. I'm barely managing to keep things running relatively smoothly here. I'm scared and feeling a little ... a little desperate. I don't know what to do.

My little man is walking! WALKING!

So, the boy is walking now. Yep, he walked across the living room entirely on his own today. He's done it about four times today. He's having a ball. I'm excited for him but I'm also a little apprehensive now. What on Earth are my husband and I going to do about things like my boxes of fabric that he's definately going to be getting into now? I suppose it's no different from when he was just crawling yesterday, when I think about it, but I still have that mild bit of apprehension.

[10 min later...]

My little man had interrupted my posting here for some play time. This child loves to be turned upside down. So, I was picking him up and doing so. He started laughing quite a bit with that infectious giggle of his. It's wonderful that it is so easy to make him laugh at times. There are other times when I think it'd be easier to stop sunrise then to make him laugh. I've been told that I was just like him as a young child.

This means that he'll be fine. After all, I have a sense of humor it's just different from most people. I generally don't find slap-stick that funny but witty sarcasm can have me in stitches. It'll be interesting to see how his sense of humor develops as time goes on.

Ah, musical toys. How I love and yet hate them! My boy has a favorite toy from his cousins on his father's side of the family that he is currently playing with. He loves hitting the 'piano keys' on it and making it play little songs. It is one of the absolute favorites and it's adorable to watch him play with it. And then there is the musical toy that my maternal grandmother sent him for Christmas.

I swear, if I have to listen to that thing one more time, I'm going to scream. There's a reason why it's put into the music toy box and comes out once a week with the other really noisy music toys. I don't know why, but this is his absolute favorite of the music toys (with the exception of his drum). It may be as my sister-in-law is right and the children in our lives gravitate to the toys that are the most obnoxiously irritating to us for their favorites, especially when they're toddlers.

On one hand, I'm glad that my son loves music. I'm glad that he's fascinated by his toys that are of a musical nature. He enjoys them as much as he does his trucks. Just recently, the boy has figured out how to say the word 'tuba' thanks to the Baby Einstein video that we were given for Christmas by my brother-in-law and his wife.

A quick aside, I have to say, the more I see with these Baby Einstein toys, the more I love them. The toys are educational, fun (for the grown-ups and the kids), and just beautiful to look at. It's hard to say just what I think is the best about them. I was first introduced to them when I was working at the daycare. I decided that I wanted to get some of them for my children when I had them. I was impressed by how these toys engaged the children when they were playing with them.

Toddlers have a relatively short attention span. When they come back to toys its because they're favorites. It was rather awesome to see how quickly the Baby Einstein toys became preferred ones. The DVDs are just gorgeous. The 'Meet the Orchestra' one is a favorite of the boy's as is the 'Language Nursery' one. We own the orchestra one but we borrow the language one from the library. We definately need to purchase that one at some point. He loves the language one even more then the orchestra one. For some reason, my son loves listening to people count in different languages and he absolutely *loves* listening to nursery rhymes in German.

We listen to a lot of music. We have some music that includes songs in foregin languages. He really enjoys the ones in Spanish. Between the lively beat and the rapid language, I think he really delights in the tones and syncopation of the songs. We now have a story book that includes the number one to ten in Spanish. I think I need to re-learn Spanish and learn German. It's my opinion that if I raise my children with a basic grasp of another language it'll help them in the future. But, I'll talk about it later.

Right now, I must run and work on dinner for the apple of my eye. :)

I'm bemused by the internet.

So, when I first heard about Twitter, I thought it sounded kinda nifty. It rather exploded with popularity of late and a vast majority of mutual friends of my husband and I use it. I've been reluctant because I don't think that 'Tweeting' about stuff that my boy does here and my random thoughts around the home are going to be of much interest to the world at large.

At the same time, I've been contemplating using it and the other big and popular thing, Facebook. We've got alot of friends who use those programs and it might be good for staying in contact with them. It's something that I'm consider like using that photo sharing site called Flickr.

So, somebody out there is saying 'Well, what's stopping you?'

Part of it is fear.

I've got some crazy people in my past that I'm afraid are going to use my increased visibility on the internet to cause me problems. Part of it is because I've heard horror stories involving identity theft and I'm concerned that it's going to be a problem for me. And then there is the general fear of social interaction and such that I have hanging around me from childhood.

The other part is I'm honestly not sure where to begin. But I've wandered away from my original intent of this post. Twitter is having an awards celebration right now. It made me giggle. Why did it make me giggle? It made me giggle because of the fact that it's in the international news right now. I honestly believe that if it hadn't gotten the visibility boost from the President's use of the service, it wouldn't be in the news right now.

That, however, is my suspicion. Who knows, perhaps I'm just horribly, horribly wrong.

Thoughts on kids rooms & furniture stuff.

I woke up a little early today. I got some time to sit and write in one of my journals that I have been neglecting almost as badly as I have been neglecting this blog. :P As I did so, I started writing about some of the things we're going to need to consider moving forward after the new baby is born.

The two kids are probably going to need their own rooms. Doug is going to be *alot* more active then the infant for a while. I'm realizing this as he sits at his high chair and gleefully munches on his cheddar-chicken nuggets. (Oh, to any other parents out there wondering what on Earth they should feed their children, I've got to say we're having amazing success with chicken nuggets. Specifically, the baked ones that you do at home. The fried commercial ones get a lukewarm reception, unless they're Burger King's chicken fries. Those Doug just about inhales!)

It once happened that Doug would sit still and focus quite seriously on the task of eating. Now, he plays and eats at the same time. So, putting him in the same room as an infant isn't going to work very well. And Doug should get some time to play in his room during the day. Naptime is going to become challeging. I can just feel it. As of right now (roughly 10 minutes after the comment about how wonderful chicken nuggets are) he is eating his last chicken nugget and discovered the wonder of cheese sticks as thrown projectiles. To say the least, before I laydown for my afternoon nap I'm going to be cleaning food off of the floor. And a sippy cup, which just hit the ground.

Well, I'd add more but Doug has decided he's finished eating and is now fussing to be set free from his prison... erm, high chair. :P

Online cook books are awesome!

So, of late I've been stumped on what to cook because the pantry is beginning to get a little bare as I'm getting towards needing to go grocery shopping. As a result, I've been looking at different websites for ideas and recipes. In my head, I keep calling them online cook books. I think my favorite is Recipezaar. So many interesting ideas and recipes in one place! It's fantastic. I think I'm in love! :)

Writing & Insomnia.

Well, I just started another blog. This one is just for writing about this abuse stuff I'm dealing with. If you want the link, contact me via e-mail or say something in the comments on this post.

I'm going to go attempt to sleep. Maybe it'll work and I won't wake up two or three times tonight.

Insomnia sucks.

It's not like I'm feeling horrible. I just can't sleep. :P I don't know if I should go wash dishes or screw around with some of my craft projects right now. At least the boy stopped his 3 1/2 hour temper-tantrum. He woke up and wanted to go play. When he got put back into bed after a diaper change, that's when the screaming began.

Remind me to buy ear plugs some time.

I may need them in the near future.

Rambling thoughts.

I'm just going to put this down here and maybe I'll figure it out.

Or not... not too huge of a difference, I suppose.

I've been coming to some realizations and doing alot of thinking. It disturbed the hell out of me to realize the extent of the brutality I dealt with as a kid. I think what disturbed me even more was to realize just how the propensity for the ugly crap still remains in the people who did it and it's beginning to manifest again. It troubled me deeply to realize how many of the things I told myself about them are just plesant lies to cover up the raw, festering wounds that I have deep within my soul and damn near a lifetime of anger.

I'm not sure how directly I should mention them, because I forget if they have access to this blog. So, I belive I'm going to let some of the detaile lie where they are. I'm probably going to be writing about this a fair amount in my other blog. It is my hope that ... That in writing about this, I can make it stop haunting me so much and I can excise the inner demons tormenting me.

When I came to that realization last night... just how many lies I've told myself... When I came to the realization as to the extent that I was in denial about my past, I realized a couple other things. Like the longer I continue my interactions, the longer they'll terrorize me and I'll have to deal with those sick head games. The worst thing is, I recognize now that nothing changed over the years except for how the abuse was done. And that change of method decieved me into thinking that they had changed.

Memories are rising up to the surface like bubble of steam in a boiling kettle. And connections are being made and understanding is flashing into realization like the way a spark jumps from particle to particle in a grain explosion. I wish I could say that it was all a bad dream or some kind of strange nightmare. I wish that it was just my imagination running away from me or something else ... I wish there was something I could say or do to make it where this wasn't real. But if it wasn't real, then I wouldn't have the fears I do or the ingrained habits that sabotage me.

If it wasn't real, then I wouldn't be as concerned about their thoughts and opinions of me. If it wasn't real, I wouldn't have the nightmares or night terrors that I do. I wouldn't be as terrified of confrontation or so damn convinced that everything I do is wrong somehow and that the misery of the people around me is something I must atone for. At the same time, as I look back on all of this, I realize something that has surfaced on occasion in my mind but I didn't really believe until now.

I realize that I *am* strong, brave, and honorable. I realize that the amount of courage to refuse to participate in their sick games willingly is staggering when you look at how much power over me they had at the time. I realize the amount of courage that I had to draw on to deal with an abusive bastard at the same time as I was dealing with their shit and continue to refuse to participate in their charade is matched only by my strength. Because I now understand the enormity of what I've faced down, though I can't fully comprehend the scope, and the fact that I've done so with out becoming one of them is a testament to my strength. The fact that I didn't let them strip away those things about me which they hated and continue to hate or that I didn't let them control how I live my life today and I resisted it where I could before... It shows me that I am strong.

Honorable is entirely my interpretation here, but it was something they threw around at one point as part of their bullshit. And I *am* honorable because I have never once perpetuated that abuse. Even in the heights of anger or fustration, when my temper gets the best of me at times, I have resisted and rejected it. It is a daily fight but I am winning that war. Now, I will set to work on winning the rest of this war for my sense of self and dignity.

It will not be easy. I know there are people who are going to look at what I'm doing like I'm a mad woman. I've been through this and I recognize that the memories are going to surface. I recognize that they have been surfacing and that's ok. Those of you who know me and are close to me, I may act a little crazy at times but I will be ok. Please, be patient with me and know that I will be fine after a little while.

This is hard work I'm starting here. But it's for a good cause.

Feeling twitchy.

You know, I just let some folks know about my concerns regarding C- and I really hope that they're taken seriously. The logical part of my brain says 'yes, of course they'll be,' while another part of my brain says that there's no way they'd take me and my concerns seriously. I'm so not looking forward to the next game where I have to deal with him.

C- is a bastard and I've decided to tear him a part if he chooses to attack me. I'm not comfortable with this decision but I'm not going to let him intimidate me. If confronting him publicly for his bullshit when he persists in harassing me is what it takes, then so be it. I get so angry when he harasses and insults me. I want to smack him across the face when he does that.

I've decided not to do that. But if he raises a hand to me, I'll defend myself with prejudice. If I persist in reminding myself that I have a right to do that, when the shit hits the fan, perhaps I won't hesitate.

Ugh! Stress sucks!

You know the feeling of being stressed out? Oh, what am I asking for, *everybody* knows that feeling and hates it. It's really crappy and I just wish it'd go away for a little while.

I'm getting to the point where I just want to go run away and hide from the world for a few days. A sick baby, housework, and apartment hunting, however, demands that I stick around. Housework... gods, it's a never ending nightmare. I thought I had this place clean. Then I had to do some baking, the boy got out his toys, and I needed to work on a few projects that had been set aside. Clean house is impossible when the house is not big enough to hold everything.

I miss having a real kitchen. :( Enough space that a handful of dirty dishes doesn't turn it into an absolute bomb blast would be wonderful.

...

I could continue whining but I wont. I just feel crappy. Maybe I'll whine in my off-line journal and not subject the world to my being 'emo' right now.

more rambling.

I am sitting here feeling like crying. I feel kinda sick too, but it could be because I need to eat something. I think it's more likely to be stress. I'm terrified right now. I recognize that logic insists that I have no reason to be afraid and that we're all ok. I can't shake the terror that they're going to come over here tomorrow morning and demand that I and the boy get out while my husband is at work, leaving us literally out in the cold.

I can't stop thinking that we don't have enough money to handle the damn debt collectors and these fuckers who run the place where we're living. I've been looking all day and I can't find where I put the lease. I just want to cry. I just want to put my head down on the desk and sob, even though it does no good. I can't think of anything else to do right now.

I'm sitting here looking for new apartments and what I see... I can't stop thinking about how we can't even afford things right now as it stands. How are we going to pay the deposit and first month's rent on a new place? I look in the kitchen and I question how I'm going to make food stretch and wonder if we're going to need to let one of our other bills slip so that I can get groceries in about a week.

I hate this. I hate how sick it makes me feel. I hate the fact that I didn't sleep half as well as I should have last night. I hate how I can't even shake the fear by using the various meditation techniques that I've used over the years. I'm unable to make it go away, quiet it, or anything else.

The worst thing is, I keep thinking to myself that I should have learned more about this stupid place when I was looking for where we going to move before.

My bright spot today...

My bright spot today is my son. He's happily playing and being terribly cute right now. Thank goodness for that and the fact that it is putting a smile on my face.

Because right now, I just want to crawl under a rock or something and hide, if not cry.

I hate my landlord and the people who work for her. I hate them with a passion. We moved in here and naively expected them to be honest with us. Instead, I've spent damn near everyday since about two weeks into the lease being worried that they're going to try to throw us out. I hate these bastards.

Somedays, I hate my side of the family...

I understand, my parents are stressed. But this is beginning to really get on my nerves.

If you people don't want to help us, then don't do it! If you do want to help us, then don't bitch about it! Nobody held a gun to anyone's head and *forced* them to do shit.

...

Gods, there is *so* much more I could add right now but just thinking about it makes my slightly nauseated stomach feel even worse.

Ever get the feeling that somebody out there is telling you something? And that if you don't get it soon they're going to be throwing a goddamn brick at your head to make you figure it out?

I'm getting the impression that I should just stop dealing with my side of the family for a little while. Time to become too busy with stuff or something. *shrugs*

I hate debt collectors.

I tell the guy that I'm having a hard time keeping the lights on. He just continues with his script.

I told him several times that it's not that I'm refusing to pay my debts but that I simply don't have the money for it. It's either throw money down that rat hole or put food in my kid's mouth.

And the guy says 'so you're refusing any hard ship payment options?'

My response was 'I don't see how I can use any of these options when I'm having a hard time buying groceries.'

I've a bad feeling that these motherfuckers are going to try to garnish my husband's wages.

As if having to deal with a jackass landlord isn't enough right now?

Remind me to go burn the world down later, somebody, will you?

Recent nightmares and thoughts.

So, there's the strange dreams that go with pregnancy. There is the strange dreams that go with the stress of dealing with idiot landlords, crazy family, and too many bills. Then there are the nightmares and strange dreams that go with being harassed by a person who had assaulted you.

Maybe it's just me but I think it'd be easier if N- was harassing me. N- wasn't quite smart enough to be the insidious bastard that C- is. Mind you C- isn't a smart man either. That said, I have been starting to have nightmares and I wasn't entirely sure why I wasn't sleeping well.

I wasn't sure, that is, until today. I woke up from a series of dreams where I was getting into a screaming argument with C- at LARP, with each dream tending closer to a physical altercation between him and I. C- may insist that his recent bullshit has been directed at my characters in the game where he and I both play in, but he's been making me uncomfortable for the past month with his attention becoming focused upon me.

I recognize part of the issue is the fact that I am pregnant with my second child and he is envious. I was briefly involved with C- about five years ago. He was my first foray into having a relationship with a man outside of my relationship with my husband. At that time, C- actively attempted to destroy my relationship with my husband and manipulated my PTSD related issues to cause me distress and get away with sexually assaulting me multiple times.

That came to an end fairly quickly when I very calmly told him to stop or I was going to break his neck when he was attempting to pin me down to have his way with me. I was dissociated but not entirely separate from myself to the extent that I was semi-catatonic. He left a few minutes later and never darkened my doorstep again. In the midst of that four month relationship, aside from the emotional and psychological havoc he created with his bullshit, he did rape me twice.

I'm not sure if C- impregnated me or if my husband did, because I didn't know I was pregnant until the miscarriage about a month after I told C- to get off of me or I'd kill him. Also, at the time that it would have happened, I was having a great deal of problems with dissociating and I can't recall fairly significant portions of time. It makes me suspect that I was raped more then twice, because only two times do I remember clearly. And the clarity of those recollections is rather startling.

Anyways, C- started with his mild efforts to antagonize me essentially right after I told friends of mine and my husband's at LARP as soon as we knew I was pregnant. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, C- was somewhat antagonizing but he didn't really show the effort that he is now. I think it is because he felt that he couldn't get away with it. Unfortunately, I've started having nightmares featuring C- again.

I'm thinking that I need to confront C- and tell him to leave me the fuck alone. I'm afraid, however, that confrontation will turn violent and C- will delibertately attempt to induce a miscarriage via hitting my abdomen. I don't know what to do, but I'm torn between a fear that he is going to try to hurt my baby and seething rage at his audacity to harass me. At least with N-, I wouldn't blink twice at the thought of tearing his throat out.

C-... Well, I don't think N- would try to batter me in a fashion to cause a miscarriage, because he wouldn't know that I'm pregnant. C-, on the other hand, knows and hates it. He desperately wants to have a child to carry on his family name. May the Gods deny him this desperate yearning and protect other women and girls from his attempt to answer it. I do, I admit, curse the day that I invited C- into my home and into my life in any type of relationship closer then a casual acquaintance.

Love is not a sin or a thing you can legislate.

I am sure that some of you who know me are going to expect a rant about how someone is throwing around the anti-homosexual marriage garbage again. Actually, this is about a situation involving the Salvation Army. I kinda respected those guys until I saw this:

Capt. Harsh led the Oshkosh Salvation Army for more than three years before he was suspended for not following orders. He is a widower. His wife, who was also a Salvation Army officer, died suddenly last summer.

"I asked God to bring me a woman who was pretty on the outside and the inside. That's what God did," said Captain Johnny Harsh, suspended officer.

Capt. Harsh now plans to marry Cia, who is not an officer.

I have a real problem with this situation. It's highly unreasonable, in my opinion, to take this stance. The Salvation Army apparently has this policy that officers can only marry other officers. I wasn't aware of this until today. I am finding myself inclined to boycott the Salvation Army because of the misery they're sowing with this stance.

I know, I know... I'm a heathen and I really shouldn't be concerned with how people of other religions operate their religion. This, however, is not a matter strictly of religious philosophy. In my opinion, this is a human rights matter. Just like the question of gay marriage is a human rights issue.

We have the right to love whom we will, it's simply a part of who and what we are. This can't be legislated or dictated from on high. It's something that moves our hearts and is a blessing. I truly and honestly believe that it is morally wrong to condemn someone for who they love. That said, I think there is a distinction between love and sex.

I'll put limits on sex, but those limits are not going to stop someone from feeling love. If an adult loves a child in a romantic fashion, if they *truly* love that child, then the adult will be willing to wait until the child is of legal majority to consummate the relationship physically. People have done this and I don't object to it. But the rest of this crap, is wrong.

I'm *so* stumped!

I have decided to completely re-do my web-page on Keen and the one that I've got set up on Tripod. I figure part of my problem getting business is because those pages are too ... well... They're just not any good.

I'm just at a loss for how to correct them. As such, I'm off to do some research and scope out web pages for other psychics and figure out why pages suck. :P

~*Update*~

Well, I've surfed a bit on the interwebz and found this image that I love and want to use as a background. It's free and it's goregous!

Well...

I found out what I've suspected for a few weeks now. I'm pregnant. I'm pretty sure that my Mom's going to go bat shit rather then be happy for my family here. I mean, the boy is getting a sibling, a person to play with and he won't have to go out of the house to play with them. The boy's going to be delighted once he realizes this is a good thing.

It'll make money interesting. Right now it rather sucks, but it was going to suck anyways because life is just a pain in the ass like that right now. Not having alot of money and having things like your student loans come due is a huge pain in the ass. Mom, however... I have this terrible feeling that the first words out are going to be a diatribe about how we can't afford the baby followed by a demand that the pregnancy be terminated.

Yeah, I had a few nightmares last night... can you tell?

I am livid.

I want to kill a motherfucker. I really do.

And I fucking can't.

Why is it that my widowed Aunt has found herself in the position of being stalked and sexually harassed by a dipshit who is just fucking like N- is beyond my comprehension. I do know, however, that I am so filled with rage at his behavior that I can't calm down enough to sleep. I just want to beat the fucker until he's lying in a pool of his own blood and drowning to death in it while in excruciating pain from his injuries.