I haven't been sleeping well. I have been super anxious about writing and creative expression. Honestly, I've been super anxious about pretty much everything. So, I talked to my doctor and we're tweaking my meds to see if they can resolve the sleep problem. That's great and all, except I had a panic attack last night over the fact that I was taking a new medication and a part of me was convinced it was going to negatively interact with my other medications and kill me. I only calmed down when all of the medication kicked in and then I had a bit of a hard time falling asleep because I was still ratcheted up on a slightly lower key.
I finally fell asleep only to wake up at 4 in the morning. I have no idea why I keep waking up at 4 am. I don't know if I do it every night or not. I know that when I remember it, how long I stays awake varies. Some nights are like last night, I'm awake about long enough to curse the damn clock and then fall back to sleep. Other nights, I'm just awake for the day. I honestly can't say how frequently it happens because my memory has been wonky for the last few months because of things like ptsd triggers and my bipolar being a pain in the ass.
My short term memory isn't completely shot. But it's not as good as it typically is. My doctor is pretty sure that the sleep disruption is the problem. Which makes sense, because if you're not getting a solid night's worth of sleep, your brain doesn't work right. My executive functioning isn't doing too hot either. Again, a casualty of poor sleep. I have a feeling there's going to be a shift in my medication because of this, like a permanent shift. I don't know what it is going to be, but when I talk to the doctor on Thursday I'm going to try to remember to detail what I'm having difficulty with.
In the mean time, I'm attempting to be more authentic in my presentation to the world. I read somewhere over the last week that a woman over 40 shouldn't wear the weight of other's opinions. (Beloved argued that no woman should wear the weight of other's opinions and that no body should be policing anybody's bodily presentation. I love this guy for so many reasons, his outrage that the argument wasn't inclusive enough is but one of them.) As a result of the meme that I saw, I realized I really could wear whatever the hell I wanted as long as I was comfortable and not breaking any nudity laws.
So, I've taken to wearing that leather collar around the house. I feel more like myself in it. I'm not ready to be wearing it out and about beyond to the mailbox and back. It's just a matter of getting more comfortable with the concept that I can wear what I want and no one is going to punish me or my kids for it. Who knows, maybe at some point I'll wear goth style stuff again if I can find it in my size that's comfortable. Interestingly, the alternate 'collars' that I've been wearing have all developed some kind of issue that made them difficult to wear. There was one that I kinda liked that was fit similar to the leather collar that just fell to pieces. Another one that I liked was a lighter weight choker style necklace that I hadn't had any problems reacting to suddenly started causing me to react to it. I'm most disappointed that the macramé choker that I've had for forever started to unravel.
The kids are completely indifferent to what I'm wearing and are more concerned about what's for dinner and if they're going to get into trouble for their latest antics. The neighbors that we have immediately about us who see me on a semi regular basis haven't batted an eye. It helps that they're under 30. I am not likely going to wear this to our weekly visits with the in-laws just because I think it would make them uncomfortable. I have other styles of collars that I made to wear that are not quite as comfortable as the leather one, but to the random bystander they look like funky necklaces.
But, I've come to realize that I can't play the mostly vanilla housewife anymore. I started because it was expected of me by people around me. It has been stifling. When I started covering my hair, I felt a bit better and a bit more authentic. Then the community's xenophobia came into bloom and I switched to wearing kerchiefs 90% of the time. Now, I just can't do it anymore. I think part of my need for authentic expression via my manner of dress and such is part of why I struggle with depression so much.
I'm working to get myself back to the level of authenticity I had when I was out and away from the farm in my 20s. I was happier and I felt more like myself then. I may not be a skinny thing anymore but I'm not trying to drop weight. This isn't about looking like I'm 20. This is about recapturing some of that mindset of "this is who I am, deal with it." I'm pretty sure if I can accomplish that, I will feel much better in many ways.
It's funny, I've been struggling with writing but I cranked out this whole post with out too much difficulty. Maybe this effort to be more authentic will lead to a place where I can write with out fear again.
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