Shield up and push forward.

 When I was a young child, I had an active interest in medieval things and was (almost) a member of the Society for Creative Anachronism. My aunts were members and among the things that they had taught me was the subject line of this post. I had asked what knights did when dismounted. I mistakenly assumed that they were functionally helpless on foot. My aunt who was a fighter laughed and said "Keep your shield up and push forward."

That became a motto of mine. Keep the shield up and push forward. It's been a rough week. I've a tired shield arm. Because of the business of the school being confused by Cuddle Bear's presentation of his autism (which Beloved and I are absolutely at the root of the behavioral issues), I have been having emotional flashbacks. They're talking about having an expert in child psychology evaluate him. As this is on their dime, I'm alright with this because all information is worth having, especially in the case of trying to help Cuddle Bear develop, mature, and succeed in life.

It is, however, especially difficult for me to handle all of this right now because I keep having flashbacks to when CPS was in the picture and we were living under the threat of having our children taken from us for arbitrary bullshit reasons. That year was hell. Yes, some good things came out of it, but that is just proof that we're stronger than what tried to break us and there were some actually decent people in the midst of the parade running through our home on a regular basis. I got through that year by taking each day as it came. I dissociated heavily and put on my mask (mental armor) every day to get through with out melting down in terror.

All of the unresolved things are coming back up now. It's been triggered by the school's psychologist referring Cuddle Bear to the consulting child psychologist from Strong Hospital. This brought up all the memories of my going to a forensic psychologist and doing my best to toe the line of 'normal' and yet still be truthful. As Loki calls it, I used strategic deployment of truth on his tests. I know how to throw psych evaulation tests. I did it regularly in psych classes, much to the vexation of the instructor. There was a lot of things I held back when I did that test because I was terrified of the consequences if I laid all my cards on the table. 

CPS had already screwed me by way of false presentation of being there to help when I was in the hospital. I wasn't about to give them any more ammunition. Playing things as conservatively as I did, the doctor didn't hesitate to say that I clearly had complex post-traumatic stress disorder and bipolar II (with psychotic features). The doctor voiced amazement that I was as glued together as I was and that I had a very rare capacity to identify that my hallucinations were not real. He declared that I had suffered trauma equivalent to going through a warzone. He eyed me and suspected that there was more to the story but worked only with the information he had at hand. I think he had a feeling that I threw the test a curve ball and held back information.

If I could go back in time and do it all over again, I would do the same damn thing. Because, I have zero doubts that if I presented as severely in distress as I actually was at the time the court would have ordered our kids into protective custody with somebody else. The judge was all set to do that when we went to court and my lawyer had to get into a screaming match with him over the fact that I was the one who called for help and my children were perfectly safe when help arrived. They were terrified of me and the fact that I was hearing my mother in my head telling me to do awful things and screaming awful things at me. 

The one thing I would change if I could, I wouldn't have shown that damn woman my journal. They took my words and used them against me in court. If I ever am in a position where someone of some official capacity asks to see my journal, I'm going to ask them if they have a warrant. Otherwise, the answer is no. Or I may burn all the damn books. I don't know. I have flashbacks to that day too. Beloved postulates that my trouble sleeping these last few months have been due to stress and to my brain getting ready to unpack more trauma. He's quite likely correct. 

I've been trying to find a therapist to work through this stuff with. At the same time, I find myself concerned not that the health insurance won't cover. I already know the health insurance are dicks and I'm pretty  much on my own financially because of it. My concern is that my therapist can't handle what I'm attempting to process. I've gone through a number of therapists in the past and I've had several of them NOPE out of working with me because it was too traumatizing for them. It's vexing to know that.