I am not well.

 I keep replaying scenes from the past in my head. I am working very hard to stay grounded in the present. I have music playing loudly. The kids are chattering between themselves. The sound is helping me stay focused on the moment. At the same time, I want to cry and hide. I just feel awful right now. I can almost hear my parents declaring how lazy and useless I am. (No, I am not hallucinating. It's just the memories are that strong.) I don't know what to do with myself. It's hard for me to focus right now because of all the old garbage rattling around in my head. It's exhausting and terrifying at the same time. I'm emotionally reliving what they did to me and I don't want it. There's no logical reason for this to be happening. It's been over sixteen years since I lived under their thumb.

And yet, here I am, feeling afraid that they're going to come for me. Feeling afraid that they're going to rip my family apart out of spite and to punish me for not be slavishly bound to them. I'm literally trembling, feeling sick to my stomach, and struggling not to start crying.

But, I look close enough to fine that the kids aren't troubled. That's all I can do right now. Do my best to keep it together until the kids are focused on something else and I can let this out or something.