Ranting

I'm struggling to get my butt back into gear, y'all. I did my usual daily routine yesterday like I would if it were any other time of year. It was exhausting and I was ready for a nap in the middle of the day. I feel kinda badly about it. I realize that I am recovering from being sick for around two months. I realize that I'm in the middle of my Seasonal Affective Disorder and the bad season for my PTSD.

Being reasonable, I completely comprehend that I need to ease back into my daily routine. I am not happy about it, though. I want to just get back to doing the things that I had been before I got sick. I want to get back to walking a half mile at least three days a week. I want to get back to doing yoga and my back exercises every morning (even adding in some yoga in the evening too, because it really helps with the arthritis). I want to get back to my prodigious writing output and finish a couple of manuscripts.

But, here I am struggling to get a few blog posts and household chores done. I know the problem is depression. I know that arthritis makes it painful for me to exercise, especially out in the cold weather. But even the 15 minute indoor exercise routine I have was too much for me. I feel extra achey and stiff today. I am trying to stay on top of it all, but I'm not doing that great. I'm very frustrated because I feel like I should be doing more. Heck, the fact that I'm not completely over the repeated colds and I have persistent back aches because my bed kinda sucks is working against me too.

And yet, I keep finding myself saying "My arms and legs work. I should be doing more. I'm not so sick that I'm laid up in bed. I should have the apartment clean. I should have dinner on the table every evening at the same time, to keep the kids and I on a healthy eating schedule." The list goes on. I get so tired. Just trying to ignore this repeating loop in my head that says I should be doing more because my limbs are functional. I feel so guilty that I don't have the emotional reserves or the mental capacity to go out and do more. I have such a problem with my anxiety that I'm on multiple medications for it. And I meditate, drink green tea, and do all that other self care stuff. But I still can't manage being out for the day doing stuff.

Going to spinning group is exhausting and I found out the hard way recently that going shopping immediately after sets off a panic attack. Going to have fun with some friends (which does not involve 100+ people like spinning guild), I need the next day to recover because I have pretty severe mood drop afterwards. Never mind all the anxiety about going. Somewhere in the process, I cross a threshold and I either am present and enjoy myself or I am half dissociated. Spinning guild usually has me half dissociated. But most people can't tell when I'm not fully there because I go from anxious introvert to cheerful extrovert. It's a coping mechanism I developed to hide when I dissociate. Because in the past, dissociating in public was dangerous and I had to mask it.

My past was pretty bad. Life completely turned around when Beloved took me out on our first date. It didn't really show how much it changed until years down the road. But suddenly, I had somewhere truly safe. I had someone who loved me unconditionally and I didn't ever question if it was some kind of warped game. None of the conditioning applied there. With him, I am free. At one point, I had some arm chair psychiatrist try to tell me that I was in a co-dependent relationship and that it was unhealthy for me. I laughed in their face and told them that they had no idea what they were talking about.