Friday, October 10, 2008

yet more ramblings, this time sleep deprived. joy!

As you read this, you will know I'm talking to you. It'll be apparent so I'm not going to explain. And those who don't get it, well... enjoy my being moderately cryptic. You could say this is to obtain some meager sense of anonymity on a public space as large as the internet. Even though I question if I've really got to worry about it. I'll just let that thread of thought lay there because I don't feel like dealing with the tangles in it.


Hi, how're you? I'd send an e-mail but I'm not in a mood to fight with it right now. For some reason, I feel like e-mail isn't the right medium for this and I don't know if that's ok or not. I've been thinking about you a fair amount recently and trying to understand why I haven't had the nerve to call, chat, or e-mail you of late. I think I figured it out. Seeing the two of you together, I was struck by this horrible sense that I could be possibly coming between you both somehow and that nothing but bad things could come from that.

I also was having a chicken-shit moment or two recently also. Do you know how hard it is to put a few word together infront of you in an attempt to express admiration and affection with out sounding like an idiot? Never mind the whole confusing mess of trying to avoid sounding like a creep or something else equally unpleasant. It sucks and it's just no fun.

I feel like I'm suffocating with ideas and unspoken words pressing down on me but I just can't bring myself to say 'em out loud. The all to straight-laced German side of me insists that it isn't proper to voice those things and that nothing but misery could come from doing so anyhow. To say the least, I really feel like an idiot when I am amazed by how relieved I am after I just blurt out my thoughts.

You know, hubby really had a good point last night when we were talking. I really do obsess far too much over making the 'wrong' choice, decision, or action (what ever is appropriate for the situation) and it really is slowly killing me. At one point somebody said to me that what I'm dealing with is fear that's just habitual. Maybe that's what's been stopping me and is such a part of my staunch old world German upbringing, the habit of a fear of reprisal.

You probably knew all a long that I wanted to just sit and talk with you about all kinds of things but was too terrified to do so because I didn't want to be the source of problems for any of us. You, me, anyone who knows us or is attached to us. Well, I suppose if I'm going to really start living, then I need to do it now.

And that means talking to you even if I stumble over my words and feel like an idiot. I just hope that I don't prove to disappointing when I don't say anything profound or witty. I used to think I was pretty smart, then life came along and kicked me in the teeth and forced me to realise that I'm not as bright as I thought I might be. I may need some guidance and even a kick in the pants to find my way forward here.

Consider this a request to help me out on this. Don't worry, I'll actually be talking with you about this too, just to clarify any confusion.

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