Friday, October 31, 2008

I feel uncertain...

I suppose that's as good of a place to start as any. I feel uncertain and afraid. I'm feeling that way alot if not most of the time. I hate it. I'm terrified of various incarnations of ancient fears of mine and I don't know how to shake them off. Evidence piles up that it looks like they're false things to fear and then ... I fall back into them under a different guise. I rather hate it.

I guess there is some form of psychological benefit that comes from it. I honestly don't know what it is. I recognize that there's some unhealthy version of 'magical thinking' going into it. After all, I can not directly impact the decisions of my parent or my brothers to the extent of forcing them to commit to any one course of action. And I'm not responsible for the well being, happiness, or any other obscure thing like that of my family either.

I can't stop being afraid that if I act in a fashion that is true to who I am, however, that I'm going to unleash the bizzare equivallent of an enormous nuclear bomb and destroy all of the good relationships in my life, have the people I love be driven out of my life (or I banished from their lives) and essentially destroy the lives of those around me.

Somedays, I really do hate my family. On the days that I hate them, I am so sorely tempted to just write all of these people who I grew up with and around off, cleaving only to my husband and my son. So, why don't I?

Because the idea of throwing them away ... it breaks my heart and hurts horribly. I have a brother who's attempting to change his relationship with my husband and I. This is the same one who at one point in time said that he wouldn't piss in my mouth to save me from dying of thirst or to put me out if I was on fire.

I can't let the fact that I love them allow me to allow them to hurt me. But I can't bear the thought of kicking them out of my life. I've been trying to figure out some way to control their influence on me but I'm apparently resorting to avoiding and denying things again. It doesn't do me any good. It just aggrivates and extends the psychological issues that I have when it comes to the situation.

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