Not sure what to write.

It's been a long day in my household. The weather was dreary just about all day and chill. I have been not entirely focused today. Despite that, the kids got most of their school work for today done. I have been struggling to focus over the last few days. I am just at a loss for words. I am working on incredibly simple projects in an attempt to at least keep my hands busy while my brain is spinning and coming up with nothing to keep the kids occupied.

I want to be writing more than this but I keep hitting a wall. I am mildly depressed and exhausted. I feel like I screwed up someone's reading on Keen earlier this evening because they decided to end the session. I had my monthly appointment with my psychiatrist over the phone. The boys decided that was the time for the cacophony of fart noises. And to follow me as I tried to find a quiet place in the apartment to do the call.

I am anxious about my blood sugar test that I had taken last week. I fear that my A1C has gone up. I keep forgetting to log what I am eating. My eating schedule has been thrown out of wack. As a result the blood sugar numbers don't look good. I don't know if my A1C is up or of I am just testing at the wrong time after I eat.

It looks like I have to go back to eating nothing but salads and preparing low carb everything separate from what I am making for the rest of the family. I am tired. I don't have the spoons to make two or three separate meals. It is exhausting and depressing. But, I suspect that my A1C is higher and I have to double down on being severely disciplined in my eating and cutting just about all processed food out of my diet again.

I lack the words to express how disappointed and disgusted I am with this situation. I feel like I can't just eat like normal people. I have the suggested portion of pasta (as suggested in the diabetes care magazine) and my blood sugar spikes. As such I am eating pasta substitutes if I am eating pasta at all. And sitting in the 'pantry' is a box of lasagna noodles. I want to make and eat lasagna but I can't because it is way too carb heavy.

I have had to give up all of my comfort foods. It makes me sad. I can't just snack with out counting every last carb. I have to constantly do math to make sure that my blood sugar doesn't go too high. I am not great at math and here I am trying to find away to make stuff that I can just portion out and eat with out too much thought. But that's a ton more work and I'm tired. I am attempting to keep to a strict schedule and plan for everything. That's just as exhausting as keeping the kids on their schedule.

And school won't be back in session officially until September. We're doing the distance learning for the remainder of the school year because our school district doesn't want to abandon the students and their academic goals. The number of Covid19 cases in my county jumped by a significant number over the last few days. I expect that it is the beginning of it really making its presence known here. I am trying not to be afraid.

Meanwhile, my eldest child was jumpy today because of the unexpected noises of the work being done on the apartment next to us. And he asked me if the noises were due to Covid19. It took me several minutes to get him to understand that this work wasn't because the virus was coming to get us. It then took me several minutes to get him to understand that the workers weren't going to start knocking down walls in our apartment. It made for an exhausting afternoon.