WTF IS THIS?!

Last Friday, that's the Friday before the chocolate extravaganza known as Easter, I got diagnosed with diabetes. I've been in low key panic since then. Putting together the menu and the shopping list for this week caused a legit panic attack. I've been keeping a food log in a more disciplined and detailed fashion over the last several days.

This includes how much water I drink, as exact amounts of what I eat at what times, and my blood sugar levels before and two hours after eating. I have also dramatically changed what I eat. Where this time last week I was eating a big bowl of oatmeal in the morning with a handful of walnuts, raisins, and a generous portion of maple syrup, this morning I had a half cup of oatmeal with a few dozen chopped walnuts on top and some sugar substitute. My blood sugar was still obnoxiously high, but not as bad as it would have been if I ate the same breakfast as last Tuesday.

I always knew the risk for diabetes was there. I honestly was expecting it to happen at some point. But I thought that point was about ten years down the road. I also was very frustrated because I have been putting in a lot of work over the last year to change my diet to something healthier and get more exercise. My doctor said that this is the reason why I am not far worse off. It was only vaguely reassuring.

They're stressing diet and exercise. I understand this. At the same time, I can't help the panic that I have because diet and exercise didn't prevent it from happening. I'm on a higher dosage of metformin now. I'm titrating up to a more effective level for someone with type 2 diabetes. They were going to put me on to an additional medication to help my body make more effective insulin. The health insurance company denied me. The doctor's office argued with them. They still said no.

So, I'm here trying to figure out what I can eat. I'm honestly terrified right now that if I screw up I'm going to die. I am also afraid that all of this business with food logging and tracking blood sugar is going to reboot my latent tendencies toward anorexia. I've struggled today with hunger pains and forcing myself not to eat. It was too familiar and distressing.

On top of all this, my post-traumatic stress disorder is acting up with emotional flashbacks at random moments because times of hunger when I am not 'allowed' to eat are triggers. It wasn't good in my youth. Testing my blood sugar in public yesterday when my youngest had a dentist appointment was equally distressing. I'm not entirely sure how to handle this. To say the least, this will be coming up when I go to my therapy appointment next week.

And I'm attempting Camp NaNoWriMo this year.